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Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?

Everybody, apparently: No?

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I AM SOMETBING PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN i have always been something pretending to be human i have always pretended to be human i have always been more thing than person i am something pretending to be human

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nooo dont have your complex and oftentimes unhealthy and resentful family dynamic defanged and reduced to cutesy family fun times with strict and clearly defined roles of parent-child and no word of the conflicts that made the dynamics interesting to begin with to pander to fandom-brained newcomer fans who only know about you through cute but fairly out of character fanworks so youre more easily marketable youre so sexy haha

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are you normal or does the realisation of waking up and having to live another day make you cry before you’ve even left ur bed

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I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck

Meanwhile other neurodivergents are like

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<///3

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Imagine my shock as a neurodivergent teen when I first realized that using large vocabulary and eloquent speech doesn't make you less likely to be misinterpreted, rather it adds an entirely new layer of misinterpretation I had never even realized existed in the form of people thinking you're being snobbish or condescending when you're just trying to be specific

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Tonight I had the ache to go home.

I don’t have a home.

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Texting Bee be like:

I was severely bullied hahaha like I was shoved down the stairs in high school cos the football player that had dated my friend for a hot minute thought I was gross

I was pretty much bullied my entire public school career lmao and then ignored as an adult unless I was being viewed as a sex object til I gained weight, and now that I have Rick who treats me like a spoiled pet but also a valued person I’m like, what is this?

He always says everyone deserves kindness and empathy (except republicans), and I’m like sure, but this goes beyond kindness to me — this is attraction and interest in me as a person, not just my body.

Like I love to get to know people and listen to them talk, but from the minute he and I started messing around more regularly he remembered EVERYTHING. My friends, my major, my likes and dislikes — no one I’ve even dated has bothered that. I absorb the traits and interests of people around me to keep them interested in me, lol.

But also my imposter syndrome would tell me I don’t deserve any of it

I always am apologizing for taking up space and time cos I was told as a child and a teen that I was a mean spoiled brat with no concept of real life lol

So I constantly am thinking, they don’t really want me, they don’t respect me, they don’t wanna know me so play pretend to be this older sister figure that everyone wants lol

Didn’t work out though cos apparently I’m a shit older sister to my actual blood sister (who I honestly sometimes forget exists these days, how horrible is that) and most of my friendships only last less than a year cos people get sick of my shit lol

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I am trying.

I really am.

I appear fine in person but the minute I am alone I break down. Just thinking abt her makes me start crying. I just sit.. and remember. Remember the light leaving her eyes, the way she wouldn’t kiss me until it was right when I was getting ready to say goodbye, the way she finally ate something after so long.. and the hollow, empty feeling as I had to watch them wrap her body up as I stood there, thinking don’t touch that shoulder, it’s hurt her for months now and she’ll cry only to immediately remember she’s dead now, she can’t feel the shoulder pain anymore, her stomach can’t hurt her anymore, no more vomiting and crying on bathroom floors with her at 4am, no more baby bear, no more snuggle bug, no more reading to her at night, no more singing to her in the bathtub, nothing.

Silence. An empty bed. No more huffs of irritation or grumbles when she wants to sleep.

I am not okay.

My daughter is dead, and I am not okay.

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You’re mine.

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i’m gonna miss doing this with her.

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Singing Mowgli’s Road

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Living without her doesn’t feel like living.

It feels like waking up without a limb. It doesn’t feel like freedom, or any other bullshit excuse. My child is gone and I have to pretend to be okay about it. Especially in front of people who could care less and will never understand.

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I lost her 5/6/25.

Every single day since then has felt like hell.

They’re telling me to prepare for Heidi’s death.

I fucking hate being alive.