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We don’t know how to say goodbye, We wander on, shoulder to shoulder Already the sun is going down You’re moody, and I am your shadow. Let’s step inside a church, hear prayers, masses for the dead Why are we so different from the rest? Outside in the graveyard we sit on a frozen branch.

That stick in your hand is tracing Mansions in the snow in which we will always be together.

— ANNA AKHMATOVA, “We Don’t Know How to Say Goodbye,” trans. Stanley Kunitz.

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being mentally ill + suicidal at a young age (before 18) is. strange, because you grow up with this idea that one day you’ll finally snap, turn off, be brave enough to kill yourself, so you don’t really plan for the future. adulthood- further life, it isn’t for you, nor do you feel included within the future of it. it isn’t.. it isn’t part of your life plan.

and then before you know it you’re 18 and you’re an adult but you never thought you’d get this far and sure it’s great that you’re still alive you guess but also. you feel so alone + lost in a world you never expected or planned to be a part of.

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If you're ever asking an autistic person to do something, be sure to explain why you want them to do it.

When I was a kid, I always kept the windows open when it rained. I saw no reason to close them even though my mom kept asking me to. She never gave a reason, so I never listened. She'd say it let the rain in and I'd think "no shit" and continue to keep them open. Eventually, she explained that it could cause mold. That made sense to me, so I started closing the windows. Simple as that.

When we first got cats, they kept jumping onto the counters. Once again, I saw no issue with this. My mom kept chasing them down and I couldn't figure out why. She'd get annoyed whenever I let them stay up there. Once she told me that it was unsanitary, I thought that made sense so I stopped letting them stay on the counter.

To an outsider (and probably to my mom at the time) it may have seemed like I didn't understand the instructions or was being intentionally difficult. But I can't just follow an order without a reason. I must decide for myself if the order makes sense before I follow it, and I need the logic behind it to do that.

So if you're asking an autistic person to do something, explain why it needs to be done. It's very hard for a lot of us to override that part of our brains.

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I wonder what kind of a person I'd be if i didn't have anxiety

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what is it with able bodied people saying “get well soon” after you say that you’re chronically ill?? like? i am not gonna? and i once literally responded with “i’m not gonna, it’s chronic, as in permanent.” and they went like “oh well, hope you get better!” like bro 💀

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Of course I miss him in general, but I miss him whimpering in my ear imitating the sounds I make when he makes me cum more than anything. I miss his hands on my thighs, him reaching under the conference table to touch my foot with his, him brushing past me in the hallways just to drag his hands along my shoulders or tap my ass, sneaking off to make out in the stairwells with his hand down my pants and my fingers in his hair, rolling my eyes at him when he makes bad jokes in English.

Missing him is also being prepared for him to have changed his mind about me entirely. Preparing for him not to be excited to see me when he comes home, having to wait for days before we get even a moment alone, feeling red hot jealousy eating me alive as he talks to our boss in Spanish while I understand every other word.

I miss being Pavlovian trained to be horny the minute I smell his shampoo. like I didn’t get the same scent months before I even met him and previously associate it with Heidi. Now it’s just him.

Sometimes I think she sent him to me. But I can’t think that. Cos if he leaves, I’ll be devastated.

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Pros:

-Adores me

-Makes me feel beautiful

-talks about future together

-two masters degrees

-doesn’t want kids

-willing to meet my family

-dogs

-financially responsible

-athletic in a take care of yourself way

-makes me laugh til I cry

-very sexually compatible

-listens when I talk

Cons:

-might have to go back to Ecuador

-time management skills SUCK

-struggles with telling me how he feels in English so things get lost between us

-cancelled plans 3x in a week cos of family plans (allegedly) and made me cry cos of it

-accidentally told me he loves me on the second date (English)

-doesn’t understand why I get angry with him (English?) for canceling plans and not texting faster

-doesn’t read my texts fast enough in my opinion

-doesn’t want me to spend the night (yet? Again, English is a problem here)

-not sure abt boyfriend/girlfriend because of if he’ll have to go back to Ecuador in the winter

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Matilda (1996) dir. Danny Devito

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Everyday I am one step closer to madness and it’s because I don’t have anything in my life that is tangible

I have a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend but says he is mine but can’t commit wholly but treats me like a princess but can’t even answer a text when I’m crying

I have.. no home

My daughter has been dead for 3 months

My job is.. okay so far

Fine one moment, crying the next, constantly considering suicide

Who fucking knows. Maybe I just need to go to bed.

Tonight I had the ache to go home.

I don’t have a home.

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Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?

Everybody, apparently: No?

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I AM SOMETBING PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN i have always been something pretending to be human i have always pretended to be human i have always been more thing than person i am something pretending to be human

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nooo dont have your complex and oftentimes unhealthy and resentful family dynamic defanged and reduced to cutesy family fun times with strict and clearly defined roles of parent-child and no word of the conflicts that made the dynamics interesting to begin with to pander to fandom-brained newcomer fans who only know about you through cute but fairly out of character fanworks so youre more easily marketable youre so sexy haha

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are you normal or does the realisation of waking up and having to live another day make you cry before you’ve even left ur bed

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I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck

Meanwhile other neurodivergents are like

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<///3