rockchel-blog

[rockchel-blog]

if so.

then they retire from their death. those feelings of catastrophe so sweetly rage again.

[rockchel-blog]

would you believe in a love at first sight? yes i'm certain that it happens all the time. what do you see when you turn out the light? i can't tell you, but I know it's mine. oh, i get by with a little help from my friends, mmm, i get high with a little help from my friends, oh, i'm gonna try with a little help from my friends..

[rockchel-blog]

through the rain

every ending.

a new beginning.

a chance to rewrite your life.

every things closing in all around you.

the night is like quick sand

pulling you down now.

it feels like.. feels like you're drowning.

your heart has been broken

the flood gates are open

the light at the end of the tunnel is too dim to see.

i bet right now your walls are screaming they're screaming.

bleeding your pain.. yeah i know.

just hold on.

don't lose your faith.

there's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

you're not alone so don't be afraid.

its like sleeping through the rain.

its imperative to know this storm isn't over..

and you're so much stronger than this.

you've heard the valley gets pretty dark

and pretty low

when you're trying to get to the top of the mountain.

but the sky turns to gray...

here comes the rain..

it just won't quit falling

down down on you.

just hold on.

don't lose your faith.

there's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

you're not alone so don't be afraid.

its like sleeping through the rain..

its like sleeping through the rain.

[rockchel-blog]

bite the bullet

"say what you will say what you mean you could never offend your dirty words come out clean.."

TRUTH.

hide from the truth and you're only hurting yourself. you'll never know until you try. until you speak what you feel. if it's meant to be.. it's meant to be. if it's not, chalk it up to giving it your best shot. and then move on. don't let the way others view your thoughts dictate the way you honestly feel. chances are, you could say something to someone and they might actually appreciate it. if they don't, you're better off without them in your life. period.

ps. if brandon boyd were sitting here with me right now.. i'd make him MAKE him sing to me all day long. and then i'd thank him for inspiring my words. lyrical genius.

xo peace&so.much.love. nukkas. 

[rockchel-blog]

i just stole my own words.

the stellar part of a human can only be as great as our minds will let us think. it's the purpose that drives us to be more than we ever dreamed. 

forgetting our previous attempts at trying to be successful to ourselves wont prevent us from trying harder to gain the success that we desire most. but in creative thinking.. what we desire most will only come when we are content. when we are content we are successful. and that's what is truly inspiring. when you stop to think about it. happiness.. in it's rarest pure form. love is happiness. love is contentment. which comes full circle. 

cause it makes sense in my head. and bam! 

very rallets.

[rockchel-blog]

with hate you broke me down

i hate you i hate you i hate you.

ANNNNNND i don't even want to.

so stop. please just knock it off.

you're forgetting all the times i've stood by your side. you've forgotten all of the nights you made me cry. you can't remember anything i've said to you. you won't admit to the things you do. i know i'm crazy but sane enough to know. that this is broken and i don't need it anymore. i love you. you make me. its hard to. feel safety. i'm drowning. here lately. your empty. i can't breath. this is what i crave and i'll never give it up. you hold me down. keep me back. because of you. i went off track. bottom feeder prototype. curse my name. dare you to. i'll be blowin up out of the smoke. you'll be watchin from the flames.

bam. check yo self fool.

[rockchel-blog]

sometimes

i just want to scream. or say "i love you". make up your mind.. and i'll make up mine. till then. wine.

[rockchel-blog]

coffee.

i don't really want it. yet, i feel the need to have it. it kinda feels weird without the cup in my hand. maybe i need a substitute. but i love coffee. perplexed.

[rockchel-blog]

high.

what if i told you i was high? would you cry for me? would you fly to me? what if i walked a ring of fire? would you rain for me? would you watch me bleed? so nothing ever seems to please me. getting lost in a sea of dreaming. it's not ok to go through life still sleeping. wait for me. wait for me. just leave. leave it all alone. i'm deep in everythings that's wrong. i need to find the secret in my mind. the secret in my mind. so what if i'm high? what if i said i felt alive? would you dance with me? would you laugh with me? what if i said never lied? would you trust in me? would you dare believe? and running never seems to teach me. falling through the cracks still reaching. it's not my way to call it quits when i'm still breathing. play with me. play with me. just leave. leave it all alone. i'm deep in everythings that's wrong. i need to find the secret in my mind. the secret in my mind. so what if i'm high? i'll find my way. i'll be okay. it's not enough. it's not enough to make me stay. i'll walk right up to your eyes and tell you that i'm not gonna fly away. not gonna fly. it's the way i get too high and i'm not gonna leave. not gonna fly. away-ay-ay... just leave. leave it all alone. i'm deep in everythings that's wrong. i need to find the secret in my mind. the secret in my mind. so what if i'm high?

[rockchel-blog]

things like this make me smile. i love my eddie. love my crossfade boys.. they have been such great friends & such an inspiration & support system for so many years! i think since "cold" went #1 & then our first tour days together. there's not a better band out there to be chillin on the road with! (except maybe papa roach.. cuz them boys are so silly) i love my friends. 

[rockchel-blog]

b r o k e n

if anyone has ever gone through a very bad, very unhealthy, controlling relationship, (for a substantial period of time - in my case 6 years) than they would know the feeling of "broken". it's not the same as just being in a relationship for a few months - year and then breaking up for whatever reason. it's like mourning the loss of a person. (words said to me that ring true) however, in my case.. it tends to be worse. i say this because: not only am i mourning six years of memories, of life, of a love (once so powerful) good & bad situations, hoping, fighting, desperation, losing myself, destroying other relationships with friends, giving up everything and doing anything to make the other person happy... it's not just ALL of that (& much much more) it's also the fact that.. he's not "gone". he wants to continue the relationship. and with everything i've been through, that is just scary. it's constantly wondering if he will be honest. true. kind. loving. supportive. normal <--thought i'd throw that in there, bc i have experienced normal. cheating. abusive. i am drained. mentally. physically. emotionally. i have been wiped clean of any happiness i thought i was holding on to.. and to say that i am confused, is an understatement. i have known love. real true pure undying unconditional love and support and happiness. (with ronny, i've experienced very little of this, but more of the bad) jealousy, control, hate, anger, madness. and since i had never been in a volatile relationship prior to ronny, i didn't understand the full capacity of how hard it would actually be to let go.. to walk away, like i'd done to so many other guys (who were nice, who loved me, who were almost perfect) however, the only reason i can even think i have stayed with ronny for so long (besides the promises of change and the way he manipulates me) is because i saw someone who needed help. who needed to be fixed. and that's what i tried to do for almost four years. then came a break. a short split, but not a clean cut. i was never given the chance to just breath or be free oh him, bc he was still in my life. and that only made it easier to go back to him, especially after another huge promise. a proposal promise with a ring and the whole nine yards. i honestly did think that he finally changed. he finalled woke up & saw that i was as good as he would ever get. the only person capable of stating with him & putting up with all of his torture, bc before me- his previous relationships- they failed. the girl either cheated or dumped him. (i know why, now) no one. NO one should ever have to endure what i have. it completely breaks your spirit. it makes you crazy. makes you jealous, angry, naggy, suspicious, always looking for the lies, and after SO much of that... well, youre not the same person you once were. I'm not. i was once the most trusting, caring, sweet, loving girl. with a heart ready to ahare with the world and a guy who i hoped would give back to me, what i put out to him. i waited and waited with ronny and it never happened. as "great of a guy" he can be at times, he is very selfish. he only thinks of what is best for him. hence why he could talk to any girl he wanted (yet i was forbidden to talk to any guy i knew) - he didn't see or understand the hypocrisy there. or with so many other things he has done. i allowed it. i didn't realize i was until i got so angry one day, i just snapped and didn't know who i had become. i suppose i became him. i turned into the dark ugly mean untrusting jealous abusive person he was. and that for mecwaa bad. i never in my life wanted to be that way. point being. relationships can be heart breaking, obviously. but- the longer you allow the battle to continue, the easier it becomes to not care what happens and you find yourself just numb to the situation. in my case. i was/am to the point where i didn't care anymore. if he told a girl he wanted to have sex with them behind my back, i didn't care. i hid what i knew & just pretended that it wasn't happening. the only thing that stopped me from just being emotionless and practically dead, was when he became abusive. that's when i fought for my life. fought to stay alive. i don't want to die, so i fought. and after so many fights like that, even then, i was like "why?" why do i even want to live? with ronny- it's a "if i can't have you, no one can". yes, clique. very lifetime movie. but true. and after him trying to compose a "suicide pact" because he didn't want to live, something inside me jolted awake... i knew i didn't want to live like that any more. so i fought and apparently am still fighting to stay above water. it hurts. it sucks. i am so confused. so torn. so empty. and at the same time, i'm now sick. i allowed myself to become sick. and to anyone who hasn't experienced or gone through what i have, you have NO right to judge. you can't say "that would never happen to me". because guess what? 6 years ago i had been saying the SAME thing. i never thought this would be my life.. i had promise. I had hope of a great life and career. it was taken from me. it's gone now. i can't go back. i can only go forward. it's hard, but i am trying. <3

[rockchel-blog]

jus a friendly "convo" between MY man & another girl.. this was least explicit i could share. cute, huh?

[rockchel-blog]

HAPPY 2012 LOVERS! - always• rockchel

[rockchel-blog]

the best way out is always through.

-robert frost

[rockchel-blog]

6:05 in the am

and my adoring fiancé, STILL isn't home from the 3 hour drive (6 in total) that he left for OVER 13 hours ago...and tru-ust meh, he shoulda only been there for a very minimal amount of time. say, 2 hours... tops. 3 hours if there was a huge problem. (& that's pushin it) so, that would be what? 11 hours...? yeah. and i'm not suppose to be the one with "trust issues". i'll tell ya what. i got 99 problems & the bee-otch is one. especially since there is a crazy whore, who throws herself at him every chance she get... lives there, and completely despises ME, because he's mine. and even though she successfully took him away once, the boy came to his senses, when he realized she was a whack job. but OF COURSE she STILL (after 2 years) likes to send him naked nasty pictures of herself to him.. and relentlessly try to track him down. and since, it's a small town he goes to, word travels fast when he gets there. trust issues. me? hmmfph. well. no use in waiting up any longer. i'm going to sleep. happy christmas eve to me. and youuuuuu! hope yours is a bit more relaxing. kiss-kiss.

[rockchel-blog]

if i tell you what i want you to say, it's not worth hearing you say it.

-#truth

[rockchel-blog]

should i stay or should i go?

i argue with myself from time to time. about where i'd like to live. which state would be best? what opportunities would this city hold? would i be happy and content in that city? what about this state, does the changing of the seasons still happen? i already live just a couple hours from the beach, but would it be different if it was hot all year long living on the beach? how much farther away from my family and life long friends would i be? what are the prices of everything compared to what i'm used to now? what about the wedding? what about kids? would i move again before i had children? and then there is always the band to think about. work. i mean, sure.. that can essentially be done from anywhere. but. yeah. this is what goes through my head. and apparently since a new bomb has been dropped on me in the past few days, the questions have only multiplied. so, ronny and i have been offered a new career. a new life. a new adventure. in florida. that is quite a distance from our current home and the majority of ronny's family. but the PA home that has no "other" chains holding us here. it's the same distance from my family, as i currently deal with.. and a few hours longer from all of my friends.. chillin in the midwest. what to do? i suppose it would be easier to deal with IF i actually had time to think it through. however, as the circumstances stand... we would be leaving this up coming weekend. looking for a new home, returning before christmas, only to pack our belongings and make the very distant move. for good. for now. granted.. it would make the planning of my wedding a lot easier, considering. AND i really DO get stoked at the thought of a new house. the decorating, panting, gardening.. yeah, it's the only thing i love about moving. i don't so much enjoy the picking of the house.. that's a bother. too much to look for and consider. it stresses me out. and really. do i really wanna up and move to florida? now? this fast? without essentially thinking it through? are we prepared to sink our teeth into a completely new lifestyle.. again? although i'm excited about living so close to NYC.. because i like being able to visit whenever i'd like, plus we've made great friends in the music biz.. thats the only thing i think i like about living here though, except for the shore. (even though we barely make it there during the summers any more -and i suppose it wouldn't matter if i literally lived on the beach) not that i'm truly fond of PA or even NJ. i never wanted to move here in the first place. i've been waiting for the chance to leave and move on to some place else. though i was thinking chicago.. nashville.. salt lake city. even freakin california. florida was once in the top five, but.. for different reasons. i suppose moving for a really great job is a good enough reason, but still.. moving with such short notice and SO quickly? wasn't on my to do list before the new year. do i stay or do i go? i have A LOT of thinking to do in the next couple of weeks. and BAM. decision time. (i'm so not good with decisions) xo.