rosepenwarrior

[rosepenwarrior]

I am a woman, christian, and free (written out loud series)

[rosepenwarrior]

A story of a single heart (testimony)

Prologue:

I was crowned "PRINCESS OF LOVE" twice in my life. The first one was when I was only 5 years old! It was at a some sort of pageant for kids in our barangay. While the second time that I got crowned was during our Hearts Day event at our church back in 2013. I was only 19 years old that time. I find it both strange and amazing, because I did not plan or expect to get crowned in the two times that I did. Like the first time was completely my parent's doing, entering me in the competition in the first place. I can't even remember the whole thing. The second was also a complete surprise! A little game was played to pick out the winner. We had to randomly pick a piece of paper that was actually half a heart. I can't remember the other details but apparently I got the winning piece. It's actually hilarious because I was the one who was put in charge to prepare the crown and flowers for whoever will win the title. Who knew that it was going to be for me? Anyway, I'm sharing this because it's quite amazing, right? I've only realized this recently, and I was honestly mind blown.

Grace to you reader! I have decided after much consideration to share the story of a single heart; with that single heart being my very own. I’ve also decided to use the term “single heart” instead of “single” or “singleness;” terms that I just find too used, because every time I hear it there’s this “poor you” or “poor me” kind of feeling that is somehow attached to it. Therefore, I decided to use a newer, more positive name for it.

Furthermore, I’m also writing this because I am entering a wedding season. A long one to be exact. It’s because my beloved sisters in Christ and some of my cousins are all engaged/about to be engaged, and are all lined up to be united in marriage. It’s honestly going to be one or two wedding a year starting this year! To add to that, I am also already booked as a maid of honor for two of those weddings (dream come true!), and hopefully a bridesmaid to the rest! If not, then to be a guest is as much of a privilege, too.

As the result of the wedding season starting also comes the rise of fascination and solicitude over people like me---single hearts. Mind you, I’ve been prayed for, interviewed, comforted, encouraged, etc. I appreciate every gesture though I find it quite amusing sometimes. Anyway, so that’s why I’m also going to try and address in this article some of the common questions and concerns thrown at me; hopefully, it would be an encouragement to all who reads this. Let’s start!

Past

I would like to begin with some stories from the past. Particularly back when I was not yet a born-again (referring to the biblical experience and not the denomination) believer. I want you to have an idea of how I was when it came to relationships. I have to warn you though that some of the things I’m going to share are a bit cringe-worthy. Two words, naïve and Christless.

I WAS OBSESSED WITH HAVING CRUSHES.

I had my first crush when I was only around 7 to 8 years old. His name was Hua Ze Lei from Meteor Garden (a popular Taiwanese drama). I can actually still see myself literally crying over the guy because I wanted to marry him so bad. It will also surprise you how many crush I had from that point up until high school.

Fast forward to high school, my first crush during my freshman year was a tennis player. I would ask one of my friends to stay with me after school to secretly watch him practice. It was my favorite time of the day!

There was also a time where I had a very silly brief fling with a foreign exchange student during our sophomore year. I even payed one of my friend 100 pesos for him to call that foreign student and make him talk to us. And boy did it worked! We became friends, we saw each other after class (in a group setting), and then when he left we still communicated over skype. Next thing I know, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes but left him in the air a few days after. There was no formal breakup, I just never went online again. It was because I got scared of the concept of being in a relationship. I didn’t want commitment; I just wanted the butterflies. But I am now very sorry of what I did to him, he was really a nice and sweet guy. I will never forget the time when he played for me a beautiful piece on the piano. I appreciate it more now than I did before.

The little rendezvous with that foreign student was not the worst thing I did. The worst was the time, out of my pure stupidity, I gave a handwritten letter consisting of a poem of confession to a guy that I had a crush on during my junior year. He was a senior and I was an idiot. The letter I made was so colorful and perfumed that it will shame every unicorns alive. My sister even pleaded with me not to give it but I still did. My friends supported me wholeheartedly, but I don’t blame them because we were all at the same level of foolishness back then. I cringe so badly to this day every time I remember it! I hope he burned it into ashes by now!

You might now be asking why on earth I acted that way to my crushes; well, I honestly wanted to show them that I cared. Even though I affirm that it was not love nor a proper affection but I really did care; even if it was at a very shallow and petty level. I cried over them, wished them well every day, and just really cared about them. Just to be clear though, I never went near any of them. I liked them but I’ve always preferred to like them from afar. When they start to get too close, I would literally freak out and just not want it anymore. They were my crush, but the moment they try to step out from that boundary I consider them as intruders. Besides, I was not that naïve to not realize that they only paid attention to me because they found out that I had a crush on them. Years after, I would find out that the reason for it was God’s preservation over me. If it weren’t for God’s preservation, I can only imagine what would’ve become of me if one of those pretty boys were successful to close in on me.

Present

Of course from the past we move on to the present. In this portion I’m going to share more of thoughts rather than memories. Let’s get into it!

I WENT THROUGH A PHASE OF HAVING NO INTEREST AT ALL.

When I became a believer I entered this completely opposite phase. From being obsessed with having crushes to absolutely growing apathetic at the whole idea of it. A shroud of indifference wrapped around me, and it came almost instantly. I got sober and just not interested anymore. I went through my college years having no crush at all. Although I still experienced admirations for a few, but it was never the same hype nor nature as it was back in my younger years. It was more of a “wow, they’re really good at what they’re doing,” rather than “I don’t know why but I just want to like him,” kind of admiration. Honestly, I did not go through any counseling, self-realization or had an experience other than my conversion that would have changed my heart about this issue. Come on, we all know how hard and how long it takes to break a habit but this particular one vanished like smoke.

In addition, I immediately learned of the “do not be unequally yoked” command, and I was more than willing to be committed to it. In fact, I was so committed that I did not only want to be unequally yoked but I also did not want to be yoked at all. I saw brothers in Christ and brothers alone. There was not even much effort from my part, it came naturally and I was not at all bothered by it. I never even mentioned it in prayer for the first few years of my walk in Christ.

THE DESIRE DID COME

The desire came gradually and inevitably. It came not because I finally started to like someone, but because I have grown in my understanding of love and marriage according to the bible. My favorite truth about marriage is that it is a picture of Jesus Christ’s relationship with His redeemed people (Ephesians 5:22-33). As a result, I’ve become more open to the idea of getting married but then again it is still too high of an endeavor for me to tackle full time. What I mean by that is if you ask me now if I want to get married, I’ll definitely say yes! But my answer will be limited to a yes. Simply because I am still growing in my understanding of marriage like in every other aspects of Christian life. And my progress, as I see it, is still in its very early stages. In other words, I desire to get married but I don’t know how to get married.

Besides, I’ve also understood that marriage is a gift just like singleness, and we all know that we are given different gifts according to God’s good purpose (1 Corinthians 7:6). No matter what happens, every saint is a bride---the bride of Christ (Isaiah 54:5). Likewise, every saint is entitled, in Christ, to fully experience love and marriage with or without a ring on their finger.

Lastly, I want to add that desiring marriage doesn’t automatically indicate discontentment. It’s unfair to think that single hearts are discontent when we desire marriage. But if desiring marriage creates in us a sense of discontentment then that’s where we need to slow down. Nonetheless, here’s little friendly advice to every concerned non-single people out there; it’s normal for us, single hearts, to desire marriage but please slow down with the assumption that we are either discontent or extremely lonely when we do so. Most of the time that is not the case. Also, don’t feel called by God to marry us off, as soon as you can, the moment you find out that we desire marriage. Don’t worry, we’ll survive. Blessed singleness, remember?

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

I’ve never thought that desiring marriage can get so complicated that there are days where it gets so close at ripping my mind apart. There are too many things to consider! From checking of motives, setting of standards, to anticipating and surrendering. Hard work, people! Hard work!

Let’s first talk about motives. Well, this is the main battle ground. One article is simply not enough to share to you how much God has dealt with me in the motive section. One thing I have learned that pretty much summarizes everything is the conviction that Jesus Christ ought to be the source, means, and end of everything---from our thoughts, words, works, endeavors, and desires; such as the desire to get married. If the end is not Christ then it is no prize, and if Christ is not the end then He is surely not the source nor the means also. That biblical principle is what God has been guiding me with in purifying my motives. Easier said than done, trust me. Thank God for His grace!

Furthermore, I highly recommend self-interrogation or introspection, whatever you may call it (Psalm 19:14). I do it all the time, but we need to make sure that we do it prayerfully and under the light of God’s word! Or else it might do more harm than good. One question that I always ask myself is why I want to get married. It’s so easy to answer, “For God’s glory!” or those other godly responses. While it can indeed be our genuine desire to obey and honor God with marriage, if we slide into complacency and lack vigilance, we might not notice selfish intentions creeping in. One good indicator is when we get impatient (I’m so guilty at this!). Desiring to honor God with marriage means we are willing to wait as He unfolds His will as to whether marriage is for us or not. Another red flag in our motives is when we grow to feel “incomplete,” (guilty again!) as if we need a husband to be to us and do to us what only God can be to us and do to us.

Consequently, we shouldn’t despair if our motives don’t change or get cleared up overnight or even months after. Sanctification requires a daily battle. Instead of feeling defeated, take it as an opportunity to put on the whole armor of God and go deeper in prayer. Alan Redpath once said that the conversion of a soul is a miracle of the moment, but the manufacture of a saint is a task of a life time (Philippians 1:6).

Now after motives, let’s move on over to standards! It’s actually funny because I was completely clueless at the beginning as to what kind of man I would prefer. It’s because I never really had a standard until I got saved. By the way, I am talking about a personal preference kind of standard because the scripture has already given some solid ones that everyone should apply. One is that the man or woman must be saved. As for my personal preferences (as guided by scriptures), I desire a godly man with similar convictions with mine. Like I want to know his heart for God, his convictions about marriage, family, ministry, etc. Then see how well we will meet both in similarities and differences. These are the things that really matter to me; Faith, convictions and then character. When it comes to character I never did decide upon it beforehand; I just honestly discovered by experience what kind of character attracts me. I’ve found out that I’m quite drawn to manly guys. The type that has a strong stance yet gentle in manner; a hint of humor won’t hurt, too! I also blush over a man who is a leader, humble, knows how to speak, goes deep and just really manly. I’m not a fan of men who takes too much time getting ready. I don’t know but I really have a thing for men that are manly and looks manly. Also someone who will be able to dance with my thoughts; that kind of man will be a dream come true.

Now that you have an idea of what I look for in a man, I also want to share the reality of my insecurities. I think it’s only fair to say that having such high standards doesn’t imply that I consider myself as someone who will fit the same kind of standard. I confess that ever since I’ve never been an ideal or a likeable material nor have I ever felt like one. Maybe because I grew up seeing girls around me getting liked and pursued; while I, on the other hand, was the girl that everyone seeks out for an advice or help in matters of courtship and relationship (I’m honestly pretty good at it!). That experience made me get used to the idea that I’m simply not a girl that someone will sincerely look at and see something special. I’m not trying to be humble, I’m just saying it as it is. I know God is working in me to deal with this issue, but as of the present I still can’t convince myself that I can be someone’s wife. Anyway, I don’t want to elaborate further about this anymore. I just want to share that a part of a single heart’s story is the reality of our insecurities.

To summarize my little story sharing, I want to emphasize important points. First is that we can still see a reflection of the past in our present. It can be for the good but it can also be for no good. I pray that all of us will be granted the wisdom to know the difference. Second, be honest with yourself and be honest with God. Pour your heart out to Him, tell Him everything even if He already knows it. Then let Him answer you through His word. Let Him teach you, cleanse you, and lead you. Lastly, remember that Christ alone ought to be the source, means, and end; being guided by this goal/principle will bring into light every false motive, it will set straight every decision, and it will purify every desire. Remember that if the end is not Christ then it is no true prize.

I’ve also included a link to one of my written out loud series (spoken word) entitled, “Dear You.” Please feel free to listen to it. I pray it will also be an encouragement! Thank you for reading and listening (if you did)!

The end.

-apG

Soli Deo Gloria

[rosepenwarrior]

Meditations on waiting for God

Meditations on waiting for God ------------

(1) When we wait, we obey, trust and pray; when we wait for the Lord, we live by faith.

(2) Waiting is the daily posture of a blood-bought saint.

(3) Waiting is never doing nothing. Waiting looks like this: worship, serve, preach, teach, obey, believe, and so much more.

(4) Waiting is not lassitude or slothfulness. Waiting for the Lord means trusting in His promises; it means clinging unto Him for our being .

(5) Waiting means we remind ourselves of who God is, and beat our minds and bodies to be still and know that He is God.

(6) God sits above time. There's no such thing as God being too late or early. Everything happens in His appointed time. Thus, we wait. We wait for our sovereign, faithful, holy; powerful, and good God.

(7) We don't necessarily wait for God to do something we ask Him to. Though that is part of it, specially if what we ask is something He has already promised in His word. To wait for God means we wait in complete surrender and trust; that God will do what He will do. And in His care, there's nothing that should scare us.

(8) We wait for God not just for us, but for His glory.

(9) We wait for we are commanded to wait.

(10) Waiting means we be still through faith-filled unflagging obedience.

(11) Waiting means to be still in overflowing worship and praise.

(12) Waiting is anticipating with a genuine and growing devotion the fulfillment of all that God has promised and already given through Christ.

(13) Waiting on the Lord means waiting in faith that God delivers, God saves, God heals; God judges, God answers, God repays, God forgives; God restores, God disciplines, God hears; God sees, God comforts, God sanctifies, God teaches, God leads----God is who He says He is, and will do what He says will do.

(14) Waiting on God does not rely on circumstances, earthly resources or lack thereof; emotions and not even our own understanding. Waiting on God exclusively relies on God, and is for God alone.

(15) Waiting is believing with faith as our eyes and grip. Clinging to Christ with every step.

(16) It is in waiting where God meets us. It is in waiting that we grow, see, and hear. Waiting fulfills God's ultimate purpose for His saints---that is Christlikeness; to be holy and blameless before Him to the praise of His glorious grace.

"God's promises are given not to restrain, but to incite to prayer. They show the direction in which we may ask, and the extent to which we may expect an answer. They are the mould into which we may pour our fervent spirits without fear."- Meyer

Verses: Isaiah 49:23b, Psalm 46:10, Isaiah 55:8-11, Isaiah 40, Deuteronomy 8, Joshua 1:7-9, Psalm 103, Isaiah 49:15, Isaiah 14:24, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11, 14, 1 Thes 4:7, 1 Thes 5:16-18, Hebrews 11;1,6

[rosepenwarrior]

How to be beautiful

  Here is an examination of the fickle and outrageous requirements of the world to be called, “beautiful.”

Let us then now see how to be beautiful…in the world’s eyes.

 1.       Pursue a suicidal standard

                 Suicidal because it is a standard that proves no respect to the welfare of girls coveting its acceptance. It’s literally do or die--- do this to be beautiful, failure means you will die in insecurity and depression.

                 Suicidal because it idolizes a specific set of features for a given period of time and condemns the rest as ugly and insufficient.

                 Suicidal because it sucks the life out of a person. It promises nothing of value, and yes, being beautiful according to this standard is void of true fulfillment. All it does is suck away contentment, security, humility and purity out of an already hurting soul.

                 Suicidal because it kills everything that is genuine. Nowadays, it’s all about how you look like, the number of your photo’s likes, the angle of your face, the silhouette of your body, etc. Nothing of depth is ever sought after and rejoiced in. This standard, as one of the main agent, kills meaning and raises up a vain and shallow but “hot” monster.

 2.       Pursue the acceptance of the majority

                 The majority—they demand to be pleased but has absolutely no heart for those who are begging, be it consciously or unconsciously, for their approval. Like a famished beast with a voracious appetite that cares for nothing but food to satisfy it, so is the majority with its scrutiny that enslaves the gullible into seeking its insignificant approval.

                 The majority--- they possess fickle opinions that vary from vacuous praises to   contumelious remarks. Their doctrine is whatever the culture is brewing up from its kitchen of lies and transitory pleasures.

               The majority --- they deceive themselves into thinking that they are not the majority as described above but are actually victims. But in reality they are both oppressor and victim simultaneously. Oppressing fellow slaves whilst being enslaved by fellow oppressors.

  3.       Beat out the competition

                 The competition--- to be beautiful in this world’s eyes, you first have to win the title of it. And to win means beating out the competition. Only one gets the crown. It is a pageantry of vanity, hate and insecurity.

                 The competition--- No one should be as beautiful as you are, if so, you’re not beautiful at all or have not reached the suicidal standard. This competition means that if someone is deemed as more beautiful as you then you are not beautiful at all. At least that’s what you fall into believing. Only one gets the nonexistent crown.

  Now stop for a moment. Think about it, meditate upon it. Do you really want to be beautiful in this world’s eyes?

  -apG

Soli Deo Gloria

[rosepenwarrior]

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:34  (via littlethingsaboutgod)

[rosepenwarrior]

my body is not my identity my body is not my everything my body is not perfect my body is not horrific my body does not need to consume my thoughts my body does not need to be starved my body does not need to be overfed my body is not the only thing that matters my body is not more than my personality my body is not a deal breaker my body is a body and that is all

someone trying to recover {via fights with my thoughts} (via flowers-for-rent)

[rosepenwarrior]

I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that.

Charles Bukowski (via theliteraryjournals)

[rosepenwarrior]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChWiZ3iXWwM)

"...and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. 11 Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, 12 in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness."-2 Thessalonians 2:10-12

[rosepenwarrior]

Hello beloved! Hearing the perspective of godly men about modesty is really encouraging and I hope whoever watches this will find it true as well. So I hope that it sheds light on this particularly sensitive often avoided issue. (QUICK TESTIMONY) Modesty on a personal level has been an issue I've probably struggled with the most. Especially during the first years of my walk in Christ, my state of mind regarding this issue keeps on turning out as an on again off again debate. I tried researching only to find arguments about whose responsibility it was, freedom, men being men, woman empowerment; just all sorts of excuses that made it even harder to bring the issue to the obedience of Christ. I was honestly guilty of using every known excuse out there! But the Holy Spirit just won't let me be (praise God for that!) By the grace of God, conviction upon conviction swamps me every time I ignore the command to be modest. So I prayed and prayed. You know what God’s answer was? “My child, OBEY.” God has indeed been teaching me that obedience is the only way to escape temptation, to grow in Christ and live for Him. The answer? TRUST and OBEY. I mean it’s foolish to try and bargain with Him. But what about the seemingly sound arguments? They’re all rubbish. If it’s against God’s word and therefore dishonors Him then it’s nothing but garbage (it may indeed be intellectual and based on facts or whatever but to a Christian, God’s word should be the sole and highest authority.) What about responsibility? It’s every Christian’s responsibility! The Bible commands women to be modest and shine from within (1 Peter 3:1-4) while men are commanded to control their thoughts! (Matthew 5:28) Both parties have equal responsibilities. Men being men? Well yes they are men and we are women. Both of which are sinners! Sinners saved by grace that are now being made to be like Christ more and more each day. It is a purpose for God to accomplish and for us to pursue. (1 Thessalonians 4:7/1Peter 1:15-16). What does modesty looks like? A heart that honors Christ above all. I’m not going to give a list of what clothes to wear and what not. I’ll put it this way instead, Charo Washer once said that if it frames your face, which should reflect the glory of God, then it’s modest but if it draws attention to your body in a way that is not pleasing to God then it’s not. This doesn’t mean that God is against beauty, why would He? He created beauty! God is definitely for beauty, He created us beautiful, what He is against is sensuality. Consequently, please bear in mind that as I’m writing this I am not putting myself up as someone who perfected modesty. (I’m far from that! But definitely on that path! By God’s grace!) I’m sharing this as a Christian woman being made into the image of Christ, a woman who has been so willful and stubborn yet the grace of God continues to overwhelm her. (I would also more than appreciate it if you’ll include me in your prayers. Hehe ) Lastly, whether it’s about modesty or some other struggle let us remind each other who God is and who we are now in Christ. Let’s do away with arguments that do nothing but divide churches and justify the flesh. Jesus said, ““If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”-Luke 9:23. 2 Corinthians 7:1; “Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.”

[rosepenwarrior]

To become like Christ, this ordeal must be faced. You can be filled with joy even in the midst of suffering when your pursuit is character and not comfort.

Uprising - Erwin McManus  (via littlethingsaboutgod)

[rosepenwarrior]

An open cell.

I wonder what it will feel like to no longer have to face one of my greatest fear. I tried getting help but it only ends with more disgrace. This fear of mine is like a monster that can’t seem to let go of my stares; it’s the antagonist in all my dreams. I often mistake its silence for its absence; its petty façade hides a cruel agenda. I’m ashamed for letting it shame me, but what can I do? It simply works. The pain works. You know what makes it worse? It’s when I can still see it even with my eyes closed; the thought of knowing it will still be there kills me. But then again it’s just a very petty thing, nothing but a trivial affair that a grown woman like me can’t seem to handle. Have I really grown? Funny, I can’t feel it. Maybe that’s what happens when you grow up with pain. I’m not writing this for pity not even sympathy. I’m simply writing. I know my hope, I know my God. This is in fact a prayer, a prayer to be able to greet the morning sun with no shame, to stand under the lights with no pain and to wake loving my own name.(apG)

[rosepenwarrior]

Lying photographs.

Photographs.

Living taught me not to trust in pictures; it was a hard lesson and I’m still enduring it, like a class that respects not time. Whether a picture portrays glee or misery, it can never portray reality. Though it may resemble it but just like a doppelganger it can never be the real thing. Now don’t take this as an assault to our beloved photos, take this as a warning instead. So hold on tight to those photos but never forget that nothing beats reality.

(apG)

[rosepenwarrior]

[rosepenwarrior]

Religion says earn your life. Secular society says create your life. Jesus says, ‘My life for your life.’

Timothy Keller   (via littlethingsaboutgod)

[rosepenwarrior]

Under the spotlight: Best teaching demo in speaking

Tonight’s spotlight definitely goes to Ms. Ariane Bernardino and Ms. Norlyn Manzanillo for presenting a teaching demo in speaking that has convinced me of its efficiency  and got my vote for its smooth and lively delivery.

Taking a closer look:

The pair used the PPP (Presentation, Practice and Production) approach, which is already one of my favorite approaches alongside ESA, TBL and TPR. And I think the lesson they’ve chosen fitted well with their chosen approach.  

The presentation stage was a bit usual but was nevertheless clear and delivered well. Even being a grown woman already, having learned the different types of sentences in a classroom ages ago, I still find the way they taught the subject very refreshing.  

The practice stage and production stage as far as I could remember was both sort of incorporated with the games they made us play.  The games were definitely a great way to help students (of the grade level they were pretending to teach) to practice the concepts they’ve just learned. Inciting a competitive atmosphere through the use of games was a great technique in making the learners challenge themselves to do well and thus learn well.

Overall, the presentation was clear, informative and had a very entertaining factor. I also want to applaud the presenters for embodying an engaging and lively persona, something that can definitely prevent students from dozing off after the first ten to fifteen minutes of the lecture.  

Therefore if I were an actual student and their demo was an actual lesson, I can most assuredly say that I learned something that day.

 -Michelle Anne N. Bolaños