rrockbottom

[rrockbottom]

20 and in love.

Do you know that feeling, you get when you meet a guy, and everything seems so Technicolor? We knew each other in middle school, grew apart our high school years, but some how reconnected over social media several years later. We ended up talking all night, and every day, and night til we met December 26th. We instantly, felt this amazing connection, like two souls that have been searching for each other for a lifetime. I heard you only get that feeling, once in your life. He takes me on a date, my favorite restaurant, and we end up talking in his car for a few hours. He walks to me to my door and awkwardly tries to kiss me, I back away, not expecting it. Embarrassed, I am, he gets the nerve to ask me if he can kiss me. We share, the cutest first kiss with each other, from then on I was smitten. We end up being together for 6 years, but it wasn't always fireworks. We spent our first year together, traveling with my family, wasting an entire summer, really getting to know each there. I loved him more than anything. We spend the following year, falling even more in love with each other, love you only see in movies. We tried, learned and discovered new things with each other. Now it's 2013, we've been together for 2 years. Here comes Halloween night, he proposes to me in front of my entire family! In end up crying telling him yes, and how much I love him! The following month we get our very first apartment. I'm loving every minute, of our engaged life/living on our own. Here comes Valentine's day 2014, I get us a cat! Her name was Lulu, we loved her more than anything, she completed us. As November is coming to an end we move into our new apartment, everything is going amazing, or we thought. He starts acting distant..ignoring me, being on his phone all the time. For a whole month, he completely pushed me away, we were constantly fighting. I found out he was talking to a girl from his work. I don't know if he ever cheated on me, but there was something going on between them. He even lied when she would call him, I would ask who's calling you 3 times in a row? Why do you keep ignoring it? He would brush it off and say it's one of his guy friends. So is started going out with my best friend, I'd stay out til 5am, 6am. It started getting really bad in December I was going out Thursday to Sunday, he didn't care he had no interest in me anymore. So I decided to see what I've been missing out on for the last 3 years. A few days went by, I ended up kicking him out, solely for lying about the girl he was talking to from work. I started hanging out with people from my work, my friends just enjoying my life, talking with guys. He ends up becoming a psychopath, especially one night when i had a guy friend meet me at my apartment, so we could go see my best friend at her work, which was a bar at the time. He tells me I fucked up everything that he loves me, he's sorry, and that he's going to kill himself if I don't take him back. He's on something at this point, he storms off gets in his car, and I still very much love this man, I'm concerned about his safety I call his mom and tell him that he's suicidal. This causes a whole situation, no one can find him, for his dad to call and say he's home. I blow it off thinking I'm stupid, for actually believing him. Now it's 2015 This whole obsessive stalking ordeal goes on til the end of February. I'm starting to get sick, Im randomly puking for days on end. I'm pregnant. I call him, tell him to come over, tell him what's going on. Slightly mad at myself, we go buy a pregnancy test, sure enough, positive. I sit there crying, he comforts me, I don't know if I was hormonal, but I took him back. Months pass, he seems like a new person. Everything is going great, were back to how it was when we were first dating. I'm completely in love with him, I don't think I ever stopped loving him. It's August 14th, we got married at 1:30pm, at the court house, glamorous right? It's September 16th I have my 34 week check up, I have severely high blood pressure I have to deliver the baby today! I call my husband at work saying I'm going to be admitted to the hospital that day, he's freaking out. He rushed by after work, I assured him I'm fine and not to rush or panic. I end up being drugged up, and starved for 3 days. I almost died twice, pregnancy is a very scary experience. My husband wrote a whole excerpt, on how he was feeling for those 3 days, but that's for another day, this is my story. September 19th 2015 at 8:31am our son was born!!! I wish I could remeber this day, i was on so many things to keep me alive I barely remember holding my son. My husband also wrote about that day and what went on. So here we are a 24 and 25 year couple, brand new parents to this tiny human. We end up living with my parents for 5 months, til we got our new place. This started to turn for the worst, towards the end of 2016 he started to drift from me again, he started treating me different. He wouldn't change diapers, play or hold the baby, he pretty much thought since I was the woman I had to clean, cook and tend to the baby. While he worked his shitty retail job, it was a 9 to 3 job where he stood at a cash register and folded shirts, I don't understand what's so tiring about that. Anyways, he kept pushing more and more responsibilities onto me. I mean I get it, I'm a mom I have to learn how to do everything with a baby. But, it's when 2016 started, he just got lazier and lazier, he would leave his clothes all over the house, shoes scattered every where. He would get food, leave wrappers, boxes, empty and half eaten food all over the house. On top of taking care of a toddler I had to take care of my 27 year old husband. It got to the point where if I asked him something simple, like throwing his napkin away he would roll his eyes and tell me to do it. It only got worse from there, every day i was getting more and more stressed about cleaning up after my dirty husband and my toddler. I gained about 40 pounds, I was losing my hair, I was getting depressed. Then he started hanging out with people from work, mostly girls, again. It was August 2017. He started bringing them over to our house, I developed friendships with these girls. I thought everything would be ok again, I had friends everything was fine. But my husband and one girl in particular became extra friendly with each other. I thought just because they work together they're allowed to be friends, soon my husband started ignoring me, constantly on his phone. He wouldn't play with his son, he went back to being lazy. We stopped having sex in October, if you know us we're completely horn dogs, so this was weird for me. I question him why we're not intimate anymore, his answer was always I'm tired. From here it gets worst and worst, him and this girl are developing some kind of relationship, she always constantly told me she was a self proclaimed slut. I should've known this was a red flag, but hey I thought she knows I'm married, she should know her boundaries. Boy, was i wrong, they started hanging out all the time, without me. I was being left at home with our child, while him and this girl went and did things, mind you she is 21 years old. At this point I'm 26 and he's 27, I start telling him he can't do these things he's a father and a husband. This only makes things worst he distances himself even more to where I can even stand the sight of him anymore. It's now December 2017, we get into a fight about this stupid girl, I kick him out. FOR GOOD. I tell him I want a divorce and I can't keep living like this, all this stress was seriously making me bald! He agrees so quicking to the divorce, I'm shocked because last time we argued and i kicked him out in 2015, he cried and fought for me, he didn't want to let me go. Now, he's completely unfazed, it doesn't bother him one bit that were throwing away 6 years, a marriage, a family. Part of me wants him to fight for us, to fight to keep our family together. I'm crying as I write this, it's 3am, I'm wondering where I went wrong, if this is all my fault, if I ruined our family. He agrees to a divorce, he moves back into his parents house. And here I am 26, divorced and a single mom. I'm completely heart broken, knowing that he was never my soul mate, I was just something comfortable. They say we love and let go, but this has been the hardest thing I had to deal with in my life. I feel like there's been a death, and I'm grieving in the worst way possible. It hurts even more knowing that he doesn't even care. Here's to me, trying to make this situation ok, for our son, my son, my everything. I'm sorry I couldn't be your soul mate, James.