ruggamuffingurl

[ruggamuffingurl]

130 Days in Malta

February 24, 2024: Touchdown Malta

We came here with not enough pocket money, not enough winter clothes, no friends, and no idea where or what to do first. On our first week, we roamed around Sliema, got used to the place, got used to the weather, got used to the transportation, tried new restaurants, and of course, processed all the paperwork.

The second week, we were able to settle into our new flat and got excited the first 2 days. We get to cook our own food and no more resto-foods. Until I got bored and started to feel something was missing - friends, lots of it! So I decided to download Tinder, not to look for what it was intended to do but to look for new friends.

March 8, 2024: And so I met this guy

We matched on Tinder and had a good chat with him. He doesn't seem like a perv. He asked me out for dinner, and I agreed. He picked me up, had dinner, had a good talk, a little tour around Sliema, and dropped me off. To be honest, in my 36 years of existence, that was my real date. Well, there's always the first time.

March 9, 2024: The Beginning of It All

As I have told you, we don't have enough pocket money for this Europe life. We're on our last euro and we're just in the middle of the month. Ana and Tita Jess decided to buy Tequila (always bound to wrong decisions), then when we were almost drunk, we decided to invite over my very first friend in Malta, the gentleman Indian guy, with the hopes of him bringing along his other friends and more booze. To more friends, salud!

It turned out, he's kind of an introvert so he didn't bring along any friends, but hey! He brought Vodka, that will do - and that's when it started.

March 19, 2024: Holiday - No work, 2nd Date

So I got bored. Again. Asked him for lunch. Got to know him better. There are signs of a little red flag (existing soul-mate) which I thought was in India but turned out also living here in Malta.

So the chatting continued until I realized I was kinda into him. He's gentleman, he's sweet - he went to our house to let me see the moon and he was under the tree, waiting for me to go to the balcony, he took me to beautiful places here in Malta, and I started being competitive with this existing soulmate. My stupid mind was into it! I had a goal to get his 100% attention, I wanted it all. I didn't like the idea of him having other dates. Besides, my adjustment phase of living in a totally different country was taken out from me, in a very good way of course, and I want it to stay like that forever.

Weeks passed. Weekends usually start on Wednesdays til Sundays, I've been drunk texting him almost every freakin' night. I laughed, cried, had butterflies, didn't sleep, got me smiling like crazy, etc. - it was a roller coaster ride in just 2 months.

More than Friends, Besties

June was still a roller-coaster ride. Every weekend we're together, cooking, drinking, watching sunsets and the full moon on top of the world, waiting for sunrise, binge-watching, star-gazing on the rooftop, and talking while cuddling. This is when I realized I was not in love with him, I was attached to him - meaning, I'm happy and at peace when I'm with him, and when we're not together, I'm a wreck. It's like my world starts to revolve around him. Which shouldn't be the case.

I was used to being single for 6 years. I enjoyed doing things I love without getting permission from anyone. I enjoyed meeting and mingling with other people without worrying about someone's feelings. I enjoyed staying out late with friends. I enjoyed being single and being happy just by myself.

I tried my best to accept that we wouldn't be together, that someone else had his heart, that never will I ever be part of his future plans. He said it, loud and clear. I can still hear every word - it still echoes in my head. I know I have to let go.

You will always be my incomplete favorite wish.

Is my happiness enough to stay? Or is it sufficient for me to let go if it’s the only thing I’m holding on to? We're starting to drift apart. I can tell. We're no longer asking how our day was. No constant texting. No longer giving updates on what we're currently doing, where we are, and who we're with.

I set a day to be our last day, June 16th - our 100th day, because I was hoping that by this day, you’ll get to like me, fall in love with me, and even choose me. But I was wrong, instead, I was the one falling in love with you every day. Whether you spent the whole day not texting me or being on the phone with her, I still like you. I’m still falling in love with you. And I still choose you. I thought it was just because I was in a foreign land where I didn’t know anyone or had no diversion that’s why I was falling in love with you, but no. I know what I feel and I was sincere about it.

I thought i was selfish for wanting you to want me so bad. But it turned out it was her who’s selfish for not letting you go. You always tell me to be “present”. I am. You’re the one who’s not. You’re the one living in a parallel universe where it’s just you and her.

I hope, next time you see me, i won’t be in love with you anymore. I’m raising my white flag, this battle i’m fighting alone is over. I’ve worn myself down. I am exhausted making myself worthy for you, so this is my surrender. She won.

I know it will be so damn hard to forget you. You have her and your friends, and I only have you. You’ve been so transparent with me since time immemorial. I’m the one who disregards all the red flags and insists on being with you. I wish you nothing but happiness.

The real goodbye is the one that happens slowly. Overtime. Wordlessly. There is no "see you again". There are no future plans. You stop checking up on each other. And eventually, you go back to being strangers.

So this is me from ignoring everyone else just to be available for you, to being available to everyone else just to forget about you.

[ruggamuffingurl]

I Want You to Know

Today, I went to the hospital for my check-up after my thyroidectomy a few weeks ago, and my doctor told me that I have Papillary Carcinoma - the most common cancer of the thyroid gland. Now they have to remove my right thyroid as well. Should I be grateful that I have the most kind cancer in the whole cancer world? It means another surgery, and that freaks me out! I'm terrified to undergo another surgery! I'd rather die but since I have the kindest cancer, I can't die even in 3 months!

I want you to know that I'm grateful to be alive. I don't want to, but since I am, I'll be thankful for it. I know there are people in hospital bed, praying and hoping to all the Gods, saints, and anything else that they can pray to to give them another chance in life. I'm not.

I want you to know that I'm tired. I'd rather die. The doctors insist on curing it because it's curable. But I don't want to. I want to die. 4 out of 5 people who know about my cancer told me that life is good, it's so nice to be alive, etc. It's because they're doing what they love to do! I'm not. I'm a corporate slave. I'm tired.

I want you to know that it pains me to live my life, not because of the illness, but because I'm mentally tired.

I want you to know that I'm not being selfish, you are. Because you just want my presence, the thought of me being around, but you're not the one living my life. You don't understand what's going on in my mind.

So I want you to know, I'm tired. Please let me go, I'm exhausted.

[ruggamuffingurl]

“Friday, March 11, 2011”. I can remember it, like it was just yesterday. The last day I saw you, the last day we held hands, the last day you and I kissed goodbye. “Hintayin mo ko. Para sa'tin to..”.

I never asked you to go, but all you ever wanted was to give me all the things I never asked for. You were so jealous of my cousins’ accomplishments in life, what country they went, what shoes they’re wearing, and what car they’re driving. I’m completely satisfied with what we’ve had back then, still you insist to go abroad.

For 7 years, you were my best friend, my partner in crime, my savior, my angel, my mentor, my bodyguard. We’re like Bonnie and Clyde. We argue, we fight, but at the end of the day we cuddle and kissed goodnight. Life was never easy unless you were there beside me. When you left, my life was a mess. I quit my job, went back to Baguio to go loco. Bar hopping every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night, meeting new party people everywhere, had a date night with some other guys. We still communicate through chat and sometimes you call to remind me of our plans, and that is to save money, and get married when you get back.

Things changed. I had fun, so much fun that I can no longer remember that you’re dragging yourself out of the bed everyday just to fulfill our future plans, while I’m busy being a bitch that you never thought I was. Then I fell in love with another guy. I tried to be honest with you, I told you that I’m seeing somebody new. You got mad, I deserved all the curses you said. I said I was sorry, but it was too late. We moved on, at least I thought I did.

“Saturday, June 10, 2017”

I’m currently in a 4th year relationship with a great guy, my better half (for now), God’s gift, my ultimate crush since 2008 - and yes, I’m deeply in love with him (but I don’t know until when). He knows all about you, all about my past and he knows all about my bitch life, my strengths and weaknesses. What he doesn’t know is I kept dreaming about you and in my dreams, you’re still in love with me. You still hold my hands like you used to, you look me in the eyes like I’m the only girl you can see, and every time I woke up, I was broken just a little bit inside. Today is different. When I woke up this morning, aside from my hangover, I was crying because, in my dreams, you’re no longer in love with me. I’m the one who’s reaching out to you but you’re running away from me.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but one thing’s for sure, I need this feeling to go away. That’s the reason why I made a blog out of it. I don’t want to talk about it with my friends nor to anyone. I just want to voice it out to someone or somewhere that will not give me a feedback or give me a “judgy stare”. I want to let you know about it but I don’t want to get in touch with you, that would be unfair with my boyfriend and I also don’t want to get in between of you and your girlfriend.

Indeed, I have this yearning compassion for the one that got away.