s-omething

[s-omething]

i want to say i love you in all the ways that don't require words in a way, just like you did. i already do, i have fun thinking you might look back and try to find the moments where i said i love you without saying it. i also want to speak about all the cliches because no matter how cliche, they feel so new and so right with you. i feel like a kid, finding out all the good things in life and i get more and more intrigued on how everyone else is not obsessed over all of it. the soft affection i see in your eyes when you look at me, almost unbareable to stare directly, like looking at the sun, and much like the sun actually, i feel it warming me, keeping my body alive not as in "not dead" but as in pulsing, breathing, hungry and fed at the same time, terrified, joyful. max. im not scared of the future. im not scared you won't want the same things as me, i'm not scared you will get tired and i will have to beg for your attention. i'm scared i actually have to take this, i have to accept that i already did open myself to you and you're already in, i can only let you be there and love me. when you say of how cared you feel, and how you wish you could live up to it, i dont think you know what you do to me. how deeply this change is for me, as id give you all of my love and not want anything back, and now i find myself catching all your softness in my hands and i have to let it wash over me. and i want to. i want our own pace, i want to walk by your side just how we have been doing and let this take us wherever it must. i want to know you. i want to observe you all day and night and have a clear vision of you in my mind, just so i can carry it around and not miss you as much as i do. but oh, i never want it to come to an end. i want to see all the new you's that are to come, i want to see how you change your life and how life will change you and i want to be close enough to feel it with you. "i want to show you off". i want the lake, the little house, the garden, the dogs, the cats, all with you.

hey max hey love i guess youre dating a crafts lesbian? or something. whenever i think about writing to you, quotes from love letters ive read come to my mind and i wish i could smash all of them down into a single thing and just put it in your mouth. i wish i could feed you all of it, all the loving quotes that live in my brain shaped with your face. “Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this.” like Vita wrote. I wont lie, ive been terrified since that first day we started our own thread of words in this life. When you sneaked an "i love you", (maybe) thinking I wouldnt run to find out what it meant, I thought "max knows me". Because I feel like that gave me space to process, space to avoid pressure, space to feel all the fear i had of those words. I'm supposed to tell my therapist this, but i'm gonna tell you first. When you said it, i felt a sting. It's not your fault. I felt anxious and scared and all I could think was "fuck, im gonna ruin this". And then I thought of the delivery. The subtle way you did it, the open space for reaction, the way I myself was holding these words back from you, because of how scared I was. I couldnt figure out why the fear. I thought many things. I thought it was too soon, but then id ask myself who's timing was i trying to follow. I thought you didn't know me enough to love me but you proved me wrong right there at it. I thought I couldnt take it. I thought it was too much. It crushed me, I couldn't sleep anymore because i was obsessing over what I should do with it. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up and the fear had passed, I just made peace with the fact that there is nothing i can do but to keep on loving you the way I have been. I can't run away from it, and i dont want to. I can only stay, and give in to everything im feeling. Let you love me, no matter how strange and hard it might be. So i will.

[s-omething]

hey max hey love i guess youre dating a crafts lesbian? or something. whenever i think about writing to you, quotes from love letters ive read come to my mind and i wish i could smash all of them down into a single thing and just put it in your mouth. i wish i could feed you all of it, all the loving quotes that live in my brain shaped with your face. “Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this.” like Vita wrote. I wont lie, ive been terrified since that first day we started our own thread of words in this life. When you sneaked an "i love you", (maybe) thinking I wouldnt run to find out what it meant, I thought "max knows me". Because I feel like that gave me space to process, space to avoid pressure, space to feel all the fear i had of those words. I'm supposed to tell my therapist this, but i'm gonna tell you first. When you said it, i felt a sting. It's not your fault. I felt anxious and scared and all I could think was "fuck, im gonna ruin this". And then I thought of the delivery. The subtle way you did it, the open space for reaction, the way I myself was holding these words back from you, because of how scared I was. I couldnt figure out why the fear. I thought many things. I thought it was too soon, but then id ask myself who's timing was i trying to follow. I thought you didn't know me enough to love me but you proved me wrong right there at it. I thought I couldnt take it. I thought it was too much. It crushed me, I couldn't sleep anymore because i was obsessing over what I should do with it. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up and the fear had passed, I just made peace with the fact that there is nothing i can do but to keep on loving you the way I have been. I can't run away from it, and i dont want to. I can only stay, and give in to everything im feeling. Let you love me, no matter how strange and hard it might be. So i will.

[s-omething]

you wish they would never say the three words to you

and we dont understand why

we dont understand why the three most famous words in human race scare you so much

you fight back

you say they dont have the right to say them to you yet

but when?

should these words not be said when they come out naturally?

why does it hurt so much?

why, indeed.

you know how you feel. you know youve been holding them back but they almost always slip out.

why are you trying to conform to the expected timing made up by others?

why do you feel like its wrong, like they shouldnt feel this way or like they are lying to you?

why are you so scared of it being true?

[s-omething]

i feel like im about to break

like ive reached over my limit and from now on its about time that i fucking break

i know that i cant carry everything and myself anymore and i cant bring myself to ask for more help because thats reaching over my limitations as well

i swear there nothings left in me and im still trying so hard to hold everything together but everyday i keep failing at the simpliest things and i feel like everytime i try to walk i am dredging thru mud and i manage to still stumble upon my own feet and sleep is the only thing that doesnt feel extremely hard to do

im not sad

im not depressed

im just so exhausted that even the things i used to love are too difficult

[s-omething]

i wish i could call my dad and ask him if he still loves me like i think i could accept being loved by him i wish he would just cut an orange for me, like he used to do when i was a kid i think i could accept that much love, and not refuse it i think i need it idk but like i dont care, i can live without it but i wish i could have a little bit of it isnt it weird i cant do it tho i know he will say he loves me and he will think its weird and it will hurt so much and i cant do it but iwish he would say it anuway caise i would believe him

[s-omething]

Ornements de la Chine : recueil de dessins pour l'art et l'industrie - Eugène Collinot et Adalbert de Beaumont - 1883 - via Gallica 

[s-omething]

[s-omething]

after around 12 hours in bed theres no choice but getting up

not because i couldnt stay longer, but the guilt becomes unbearable and the possibility of never getting up again starts to down on me. take the dogs for a walk, the guilt goes away. hoping the fresh air will ventilate the walls of my brain and it doesnt. sometimes its really another day of waiting, i know i cant get me anywhere and i have to be satisfied if i can at least eat something. if i wanted to run away from it i could clean the whole house, but i cant eat so i have no energy for it. everytime i get sick i get depressed. because it comes to a point i cant be self sufficient anymore, i cant fake it till i make it, i am confronted with the fact that i might need some help and there is nothing more terrifying than that. so i have to wait. i wait a whole day and then the other and i hate hospitals but i can get myself there and i still have to wait but how long will this one take? i just need to have a little energy back so i can take care of myself and it takes so long so long sometimes i think i cant make it

[s-omething]

i see the girls i was in love with in great relationships now and i think

thank god you didnt choose me

look at you go

i wouldve ruined anything

and that makes me want more and more to just be alone

[s-omething]

I should probably not write this in english but it's easier so I'll just hope you don't find it too annyoing. I thought about what I want to say to you so perfectly while I was doing dishes today, and everytime I sat down to write all the words ran away from me. Fucking brain. First of all!!! You're amazing. I want to express how much of a difference you make and I'm just one of the people who feel that way, I'm very much sure there's a lot more. My therapist heard a lot about how you made things better, he's a big fan by now. I'm gonna list some things that I told him. I have a hard time wanting to draw, I used to love it very much but a lot of shit happened and probably mostly just my mind as well and anyway I actually ended up hating everything I tried to draw and with time I just blocked it and couldn't do it anymore. Somehow you managed to make me want to draw again, not only for work and stuff like that, but sometimes I even do it for fun again. And it started to get easier when you started to tell me to do it, honestly. You make it easier to believe that I deserve better, that I work well, that my way of seeing things is good and all that makes me want to be even better and work harder. I actually learn things when you teach them, it's crazy 'cause I have a hard time concentrating and my mind start to run around and I can't catch it but when you explain things they really make sense. I mean, numbers make my mind fuzzy and I actually learned a fucking math formula when you showed it to us in class without difficulty. (not to be reforcing the stereotype but i am gay, i can either drive or do math (i can't do either of those)) Anyway, you make things easier to understand, you push us to do better and you make us WANT to do better and that's fucking awesome. If I could I'd bring coke cans to you everyday just to thank you but!!! it would probably not be very good for your health. But yeah, thank you, so so so sooo much. You have the coolest brain, sometimes I think you're some sort of entity floating above us but then there's more, 'cause you're so human as well, and you see people and make them feel connected and seen and I don't think that a lot of people can do that. I don't even know if you do it purposefully or if it just happens, but it does. There's a lot more I could say here but then it would be too long and I think I made it pretty clear here that you're the best, also!!!! this is just for you to know and remember how much of a difference you make. I see you so tired sometimes and I guess it would be great to remind you of all this, but do get some rest please whenever you can? thank you. also you make boring things much more fun which helps a lot thank you byeeeeeeeee

[s-omething]

dad, do you ever miss me? i try not to

[s-omething]

i was once the sensitive one am i always grieving the past me? i was excited about the current me. i was excited that now its easier to do things, that im less scared, that im less sad, i dont cry anymore and i think i laugh a lot more, things dont get to me anymore. but then i see myself so far away from everything i always cared about. i dont feel the need to talk to anyone anymore, i dont cry at all, i dont get hurt but i get so very angry, it is so confusing navigating with this new me when all my life i only navigated feelings, i feel so in control it's boring, i dont feel like getting involved anymore and i realized that i can just not, life sometimes feel like its passing so empty. i think i get it now why boys are angry, i get it that they dont want to talk about feelings, i get it that they can be so very distant. i miss my sensitivity. how odd that something that made me who i was can slip away so easily and im still here. im aware of how much it hurts to feel the way i used to feel, but i was one with the world around me and now i feel like i can barely touch the world i walk in. everything is so far away. everything just doesnt matter much, its fine, it will pass, tomorrow i wont even remember this. i dont even want to be loved anymore, if anything, being hated feels a little better. i dont want anyone to like me, i dont care. dont know if i like me exactly, but it sure dont matter either. turns out crying is something to be missed.

[s-omething]

even the top gets called a faggot

[s-omething]

how it feels knowing that loneliness is still time spent with the world

[s-omething]

i was writing to you. at the end of it i ran thru some old stuff i wrote and i think i came to realize that everytime i was in love, it felt like begging for something that i felt like i didnt deserve. and with time it got me tired and angry because i watched everybody else having it without even asking for it. i made a lot of mistakes and i still resent so much but now i look at it and i dont think i was less deserving of the love i wanted. today i dont feel like asking at all. i dont even want it at all. sure i can fall in love and suffer for it. but to think of walking thru glass again and again just have someone consider loving me sounds disgusting. i never want to ask anyone anything again. i can want the things i want but then i will swallow it up and go on with my day. the last times i thought people were willing to love me i felt like an object. not like a person that they could actually see. like i was something that they made of me in their minds just so it could be possible to love me. and the feeling of having someone so over me but not really listening to me and knowing who i am was suffocating. i broke their hearts, i know that. it weights me that i did, because wasnt i begging for love just months ago? just to run away when someone claimed to love me?

its just that i know what i want and its not that. whats the point of lingering around?

and what i want i cant reach and i wont ask for it. id rather be alone and let me love myself however i can, the best i can, cause i am the person willing to do that for me.

i dont need anyone, or anything from anyone. i will want what i want and feel pathetic for it but i will feel it and it will pass and in the end ill be alone but i will still have something left of me.

[s-omething]

[s-omething]

manter meus pés no chão e me lembrar que você é só uma pessoa, vivendo a própria vida, me deixa um pouco mais calmo. eu não quero ver você como alguém irreal, não quero que você seja mais uma ideia que eu inventei do que quem você é de verdade. mas manter meus pés no chão e tentar te enxergar como uma pessoa real não me deixa menos apaixonado. eu gosto tanto de ver defeitos em você. prq parece um grande quebra cabeça que faz cada fez mais sentido, as coisas boas e as coisas ruins deixam de ser lados opostos e viram só coisas sobre você, que são o que são, e você continua sendo a lívia. e a lívia continua apaixonante, óbvio. você não é a eve, nem a villanelle. você não é a red, nem a blue, nem a fleabag, nem o padre. você tem um pouco de todos eles prq todo mundo tem nuances, e prq a minha cabeça vai conseguir traçar semelhanças se tiver vontade. eu posso tentar citar elas aqui. não acho que você seja semelhante com a eve, tirando a impulsividade e o olhar parecido quando vocês estão pensando, distantes. você tem o senso estético da villanelle, o humor ácido também, a sinceridade. você tem um pouco da red e da blue, o humor também é parecido, a inteligencia e a forma de enxergar os pontos de vista e brincar com eles, mudar de forma, a sensibilidade que existe até nos momentos cruéis, a mania de desafio. você tem o humor da fleabag também, um pouco da auto destrução também. o companheirismo do padre. e eu sei que essas são semelhanças reais, mas não faz você 100% nenhum deles. eu já me encontrei procurando por algum tipo de midia que descrevesse exatamente você, ou a minha situação, não achei. mas os padrões estão lá; eu só to tentando fugir deles focando no que é real.

i think i should look for the answers in the most uncomfortable places or the most obvious one that i wouldnt even look. a list of uncomfortable places: when someone told me that no matter if its possible or not, if you actually put me against the wall and told me you felt the same i wouldnt even know what to do, and i would do nothing. when someone told me that i should just accept that what i feel is real, but that it being real doesnt make it any less obvious that you will never love me back. a list of obvious places: i know i love challenging love stories i know i cant stand a no and cant stand a yes so being on the fence is addicative because it keeps both real choices away from me