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caboose woke me up once by flickin the lights on and off but he forgot why he was there and got distracted by his flickering
#i think he wokeme up bcus tucker had made breakfast#it was weird bcus i wasn't used to bein woken up by anyone#i usually woke up at like four am and did some drills and then ate burnt toast and coffee for breakfast#but yeah#hes my son#caboose also used to come in my room in the middle of the night every time he couldn't sleep (a lot) and cuddle me#it was so often that i woke up at the exact time every night when he usually came in#im p sure he'd spend five minutes pacin outside my door and debatin whether or not to go in bcus maybe the noise woke me up
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im just... gonna talk abt Gay Wash memories in the tag bcus i need to log this or smth? i usually forget as soon as i remember,
#ok uh#well i remember the blue team cuddle pile which was rlly nice#and i remember tuckers hands bein soft ? he was soft in general#i think we got together while we were on chorus?? mabybe#but like.#squints#ok yeah i can't rlly Recall anyhin else
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im tired but sleep is for ppl who don’t have somniphobia so um, no.
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wis h i wasn’t so damn Lame maybe then i’d have some friends who i trusted w/ all my deepest thoughts
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kinda off topic but i keep getting happy and Gay memories from my wash tl and im not complainin but im just waiting for the memories to b negative again
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honestly tho like. WHAT do i say to make eric calm the Hell Down?? I said what martha said would be helpful and he still got pissed and it feels like i do nothing right
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“i’m not bitter” i say as i hatestalk his tumblr and constantly go back and dissect that post he made abt me
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yeah uh. if i have to ride in the same car as eric tomorrow ill probably cry?
#he just#is impossible hes impossible#no matter what i say#and#hell yell at me#i just wanna live my life dude
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im just rememberin a lot of eighth grade and freshman year tonight and its making me sad.
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i could psychoanalyze myself all i want but its not gonna solve ANY of my severe trust issues and paranoia
#i think#i think we were all really bad people back then?#not just me and rover but like also my dad and math and mickayla#like#everything goin on just kinda#made things bad#???#that doesn't make sense math and dad are still terrible#but#i guess the pressure of all the hate and drama and stuff made my Collapse maybe?
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maybe its just bcus?? that was the last time i had an actually trusting relationship?? and maybe its nostalgia?? i don’t know but
#i don't even trust them as a person anymore#i think ?? my issues w/ talking to datemates abt how i feel stems from that relationship anyway#hh#i was feelin suicidal and i told them abt it and them- bein the kid and Not Therapist they were- told me that i was bein selfish in a rlly#scientific way#its funny now but i tried to kill myself after that lmao
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????????? why?????
#why ?????? Do I miss them????????#our romantic relationship was terrible and the only thing goin for our platonic one was we were both terrible#kinda#hhh???#its been years since we've had actual conversations where we talked like friends is all
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BROTHERS VCAN’T BE ABUSERS I M BOVERREASCTING AGAIN IM A PIEECE OF SHIT FUCK FUCKCFUCK
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REEWERE THE SAME PERSON A ND EVERONE HADTES ME BECAUSEI M ACTINVGN JUST LIKE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO MUCH DON’T YOU DARE ASAY I LIVE HIM HE’S NOT MY BROTHER HES A AMONSTER
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IM’ HIM I AAM HIM HES’S ME WE’RE THE SAME PERSON I ODN’T WANT TO BE I WAN’T HIM TO LEAVE HE HURT ME
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I ODN’T KNO WHAT TOO PANICC ABT ANYOMRE BUT THTATS NOT GONNA STOP ME,
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I CANT TRUST ANYOEN!!!!!! NOPENOPE NO ONE EVENT WANTS TO HEAR ABT MY ISSUES IM ANONYING AND A BURDEN TO EVREYONE,
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