sadismymothersname

[sadismymothersname]

they’ve always said, when you feel a random shiver, that a rabbit has run across your future grave

(now in technicolor! happy fall equinox)

[sadismymothersname]

[sadismymothersname]

I’ll never be enough for anything

[sadismymothersname]

I’ll be gone one day and I’m scared that you’ll only care because you feel bad

[sadismymothersname]

Nothing I do is ever good enough

I fell in love too fast and forgot to make sure I was safe

I think I might feel comfortable slipping into oblivion now

I think of all the faces and feelings I’ve ever felt and none of them ever stick

I wish it were as simple as figuring out what’s wrong with me

I’m too much

I’m too scary

I’m too sad

But sometimes I just want to be soft and comfortable

I want to be in my own grave

I’ll dig it myself but please someone else shut the coffin door

My arms are too weak and I’m too tired to do it myself

[sadismymothersname]

I’ll be your wife if you promise to let me love myself

I want to be dissected inch by inch

A breakdown straight through my bones

I beg you to try and find the girl you wanted

Somewhere behind a screen she’s dancing with her husband

She wears her pearls tightly and walks around with her bare-feet, swollen at the waist

She is beautiful

She is lovely

A mother, just like—

No, nothing like her mother

Do you think we could raise those bees some day?

I’ll let you call me “love” and kiss my chest, burning holes through my lungs as my breath catches on an exhale

I’ll paint in the garden and drink coffee on the porch while you massage my swollen ankles

But for now

I am full of thorns and perfume

I’ll twist and turn your fingers through my skin and beg you to get too deep

I need to be a storm in a bottle

Perfect compact chaos

[sadismymothersname]

The Art Department Wants Their Nerve Back

Sorry for being kinda rude

I’m glad you didn’t ask me if I liked your work because I probably would have been a little bit meaner

“I hope you’re doing good”

Fuck you

Fuck you and fuck your overused themes

How many biblical pieces can you do before you let yourself feel sorry for someone again?

“I’m a bit of a Houdini”

The difference is, you disappear the second someone calls your bluff

I bet you still do that thing where you convince yourself that you have no feelings that way no one’s mad at you for being indecisive

For being dismissive

A coward

I bet you wanted me to go along with it too

Do the old, “Hi-how-are-you-you-look-good”

Right

A hug?

After absolute silence?

Fuck you

Sorry I came to your exhibit and I’m sorry I embarrassed you when I said not to touch me

Sorry I left you a note

(I think your last show was better anyway)

[sadismymothersname]

I am ugly I am ugly and so combustible

I’ll flick my lighter too hard and my face’ll melt like plastic Barbie dolls and I hope that when it’s all burned down

I will be even uglier and I hope it burns my brain down too

Right down to the spinal cord and my body’ll shake and jitter and afterward the fire will spread to the apartments above and below me

when the firefighters find me burnt and charred, I’ll still have your blue eyes imbedded into my wrist and the firefighters and policemen will pick them out and send me home to my family

“It was an electrical fire. We’re sorry for your loss.”

[sadismymothersname]

Today I thought about going on a trip by myself

On foot

Miles and miles and nothing would change

I will probably be sad forever I think(I hope so at least)

I think,

I am going to swallow every wind chime hanging from every house I pass on foot

Through the train tracks and over the small houses creeping over rooftops like a sad sad snake

And the families inside will hear me coming when I laugh because there’ll be bells in my stomach

And I think

I think,

That one day I’ll eat everything in front of me after unlocking my jaw like snakes do and then I’ll swallow a sword to rip myself open

I am afraid that I will never stop if I don’t

I am going to eat everything and everyone and soon I’ll be the only person alive and I will call myself lucky to fit so much inside of such an ugly body

So I’ll swallow another sword

And another

I’ll keep walking and when I find a person so lovely and so good I’ll ask them to put the sword in my mouth and then I will eat them too

Soon I will be lonely and empty and I’ll rattle the chimes in my stomach to keep me company and I will never ever come home

[sadismymothersname]

Did you know that galaxies can collide?

They do it frequently

We won’t know it though because it takes millions—

No, THOUSANDS of years

(Or was it millions?)

Anyway, it takes so long that the only way we can tell that two galaxies have collided is through star formations

Through changes

It makes me think of that song by Halsey where she’s like,

“Blah blah blah, you touched me and suddenly I was a purple sky”

Or whatever

I don’t like that song anymore

I think I grew out of it

But how horribly poetic is that?

The galaxies, that is

They collide and leave with little bits of each other, irregular stars that make it obvious that they spent so long crashing

When you talk to someone, how much of them is someone else?

A funny way of saying something,

The way she folds her hands neatly in her lap when she sits,

The way he tucks your hair behind your ear,

How your mother still says, “groovy”

All of it

Where did they come from?

Sometimes I catch bits of other people in myself and sometimes that makes me sad

Sometimes I trace the skin near my hip to put myself to sleep and it feels like tracing stars that I don’t remember putting there

It takes hundreds and thousands or millions of years to collide

I can wait

[sadismymothersname]

I lied I’m not good enough for any of it

I talk such a big game but I don’t deserve it

I want something good so bad and I can’t get over the disappointment and Sara said this isn’t in my Head sara thinks that I’m not giving myself a break and Sara says that I need to eat and keep myself safe and sometimes

Just sometimes

I wish I was iniside of Sara’s heart so I could understand why she thinks I deserve good things

Some of the people I know are too good for me and I know this

I know this

Tori peeled me off the concrete when I got shitfaced at Abel’s party and I cried and cried and I told her that one day I was going to die and it would be my own fault

And she held me half drunk in a lawn chair while I told her that I was so scared that I wouldn’t ever be enough

And I won’t

And I won’t ever be enough

[sadismymothersname]

“Your ex smells like ham, dude”

Don’t touch me, don’t touch me

You smell like week old chips stuck in the bedspread

You remind me of stale T-shirt’s and hating myself in the middle of the summer

Like jungle juice vomit and whataburger fries that I had to wrench out of my body sad and defeated with two fingers down my throat

You’re

Bits of food and hair stuck in bathroom drains when you stumbled after me so sad and drunk

“Baby, where’d you go?”

I thought I’d peeled the last piece of you off of my skin all moldy and freckled like the dead skin Ashlee stuck to beer bottles when she was high

But you left a little flake on every single piece of clothing in my closet when you helped me move in

When I tried to burn your photos they tumbled from the counter leaving a trail of grime

I remember when you got so upset you wouldn’t shower for days

You’d grab me by the hips and say

“Sorry, I know I smell”

And I’d be okay with it

And I’d scrub and scrub and clean every inch of your space only to watch you pile trash on every bare surface

I felt like a rotting corpse most days

But I’d suck it up and say, “at least it’s somewhere to sleep”

But it wasn’t ever just that

So I bought a bottle of hand sanitizer, sat in the shower that first night at the apartment and scrubbed and scrubbed

And it felt like I was sixteen again

Please don’t touch me

[sadismymothersname]

Becky Did Shrooms Last Night

I don’t want to self destruct anymore

I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

I want my chest to explode some days and leave me quiet and empty so I can fill the space with flowers and photographs that remind me of when I was seven

Sometimes I’m so afraid that this is going to be the rest of my life and I can’t do anything to stop it

I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

It’s just a long domino effect that keeps happening and one by one I have to watch all of my friends lose interest in me

I know it’s because I’m so afraid to be alone god I am so painfully afraid of most things

One day

I say

One day I’ll feel less lonely and I’ll love everyone so hard that I’ll burst right at the seams. There won’t be an empty space left where my stomach should be and my heart will be bigger than my lungs. Everything I breathe will be love and I won’t ever feel this lonely again.

Wishful thinking.

[sadismymothersname]

“Took aTrain Up to Mountauk”

It might be worse this time

The nerves are different

It’s deep in my chest now

“I am not the sort of person to do anything with my feelings”

I wasn’t either, but I think I’ll keep this one for me

For now

(Probably forever)

I used to say I’d rather feel everything at once than nothing at all, but sometimes I wish I could flip it off and on like a switch

I can see it this time

Unfolding and curling back into itself

Out of reach?

It isn’t, but I’ll treat it like it is

Sometimes it’s better that way

I learned that lesson three times now

And no amount of ritual will stop me from feeling it

You didn’t want to be seen with me,

You used to think the world would end if you couldn’t sort it into patterns,

And you couldn’t be bothered to follow through

Feelings are different

(I just want to keep this one safe)

[sadismymothersname]

Mark Still Believes in Bigfoot(Don’t Buy a Gun)

Last night I carved a Sylvia Plath line into my collar bone

“One year in every ten”

I want to have a different set of skin in ten years

Not because I want skin that you’ve never touched

I want to have skin that I’ve never disturbed

Never made ugly

Isn’t that a thought?

I don’t have a good relationship with men

I think it’s because of Josie

We watched Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock when I was 12 and I told her we were cursed just like The Owens sisters

She told me,”please call me mom I love you so much I promise, honey”

I wished I was a witch so I could put a curse on Lori when she didn’t invite me to her birthday party in 1st grade

“Chita, sweetheart, is your nose bleeding?”

“Yeah”

“What happened, honey?”

“Desi’s friend punched me”

He didn’t! i get nose bleeds because I have nasal polyps here’s the doctor’s note to prove it!

I was just mad because Desi wouldn’t sit next to me on the bus that morning and some dumb boy was his new best friend

Not me

“I’m your brother not your friend”

The other 1st graders think I have ugly teeth because they’re covered in metal caps and I’m bossy when we play pretend and someone whispers,

“She bit a kid in kinder”

Ginny gets on the track team and now she rides the bus with us to go to high school

I want to be her so bad

She paints her nails black and steals my barbies to draw on them with sharpies

I think she ended up hating me after I turned 6 or 7 because she never hugged me again

And then Josie lost her mind

“Mom’s bipolar”

I know

So am I, I say

We see the same therapist, I think

The only difference between me and her is a dead father and some drug abuse

My mother, Best Fucking Nurse in The County

They say she’s got wonderful bedside manner and she’s a real H O O T

“Oh, she must be Josie’s daughter! Sounds just like her!”

Once, when I was 11, I stole a cigarette from her ash tray and she handed me a full one and watched me smoke it all in front of her until I went to bed crying

She lives in her dead mother’s house now and cries herself to sleep and I wonder if I’ll do the same when I’m 57

“Your mom is the smartest woman I’ve ever met and that’s why I fell in love with her. But you have to remember...she’s sick.”

I know

So am I

[sadismymothersname]

Ash Beat Your High Score On Guitar Hero

My entire body aches with the threat of bile

I haven’t eaten in days,

Not really

I don’t think I’ve felt this sad and lonely since I was 14

It tastes juvenile almost

Every time I bring myself to tears I can feel the lump in my throat get bigger and bigger as it threatens to burst into a million pieces

Little flesh colored kaleidoscope bits that come flying out of my mouth

Stupid girl

What I’ve always been

Too much heart and no Fucking spine

I am lonely because I care too much

I wish I could rip my heart out along with my ribcage and start all over again with metal and steal

I want the tremors to take over and force me to vomit every piece of you out

I want to go back to the beginning of summer when I was blissfully unaware that someone so fucking blinding could exist

Someone so fucking confusing and irritating

So

Goddamn important

I kissed another boy last night and it made me feel like I was dying

Every kiss saturated with your name

That’s all it was

Just you

Only you

Even when I’m wrapped up in someone else it’s only you

I wish I had fallen off the staircase that night

Straight off the side and headfirst onto the pavement

My skull would crack wide open and the coroner would find a picture of you, the Polaroid I took the night we kissed and you said you hadn’t “felt this way in a long time”

They’d find it lodged between the remnants of my frontal lobe and skull

And as they scrape my spineless body off the concrete,

I’d draw one shaky breath and say

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way”

And I’ll fade into nothing

Just a body that you’ve touched and nothing more

[sadismymothersname]

I Wish Brian Sella Would Punch Me In The Face

There used to be a time that I thought in suburban metaphors

I’ve never been to the Midwest, but I absorbed converse and mixtapes like a sponge spitting out twisting imitations of the teens I wanted to be

I ate lunch alone and I never went to parties

It feels so good to be an outcast when you never get close to those shiny ideas

I want to be in a band and I want to see the country and I want to rip my jeans while I read poetry and never see my parents again

I wish I smoked cigarettes and wasn’t afraid of taking off my wrist bands

Sometimes I wish I had stayed in high school for longer than I did

It doesn’t feel right to be 14 going on 20

—S.A.D

[12-8-18, 1:24 a.m.]