sagebasilmarigold

[sagebasilmarigold]

the ocean and the skies above it are not for me

the city and the lights that shine a mile above it can stay there entombed in traffic

the creek with the rocky bluffs

the fields of hay and the beach lined with scattered pine dunes

that’s where I’ll stay

with you and the dog

you want culture

I want calm

you can go

I will stay

[sagebasilmarigold]

I want to cry, but I don’t even know what for. The thought of you brings the tears. Why? I want to love you. I don’t think I ever really will. I don’t think I’m the one you want. You like your solitude. You like our distance. You love the romance that used to be yours. I’m thinking about her again. I found her Facebook today. Usually not one to creep like that, I was disappointed she didn’t have more photos. I want to know her life. I want to fall for her too. You’re still not okay. You’re pushing yourself again. You can’t stop. You won’t even slow for a breath. I cry because I think of you dying, leaving, hating me. Manifesting fantasies of how this could end in the worst ways because I don’t know if we can be friends again. I’ve loved you three times now. Tenderness, pain, and hope. I cry because I don’t know what’s going on with you. I’m making it up on my own. I practice goodbye conversations with myself. I won’t ever hate you. My heart will always open for you. I just know

we won’t last

[sagebasilmarigold]

I never seem to be able to write about the good times. In everyday thought, those tend to be the focus.

I just come here to complain.

The pages of pain are best left here. Out in the open for anyone to access, no longer my own.

[sagebasilmarigold]

I almost have a full film roll of you. I kinda bought it for that reason. When you’re gone from me, which I know will be sooner than never, I will still be able to hold your effigy.

Nobody seems to like you for me. Even Josie’s mom knows you as “the one who broke her heart into a million pieces”.

One of the girls found out we are back at it again and she said, “I don’t know if I like that for you”.

I know you think I’m at least a little immature for you. Sir, I could argue that your noodles aren’t exactly al dente either.

I’ve spent a lot of time this week coming up with arguments for you and problems with myself, none of which will be brought up any time soon. A lot of it (I hope) is hormonal frustration.

One point worth exploration is whatever cycle I seem to be stuck in. Addison said it’s a sad selfish attention thing. I think he turned it into that, and for too long, I went with it. The whole reason we never dated was because I knew I would never love him the way he deserved. At the time, I really believed that the way we were proceeding wouldn’t hurt his feelings. It still did of course, but at least I get to defend myself by saying things like, “we never dated, it’s been two years since we ever even hooked up, get over it.” I am an asshole. Garret told me that he thinks I’m ready for a relationship. That’s actually something I think about a lot. Begrudgingly, I agree. I want to be loved. I want to take care. I want to grow with someone. I want to go on walks and little dates and be able to talk every day about life’s mundanities and all the terrible jokes that come to mind. I want a stable priority.

Yet, here I am rolling from one fling into another, looking for escape routes.

I have the opportunity to just be happy with what is going on right now. It’s kind of what I have been wanting for so long. Now that I have you, I can’t stop thinking about how we will end. I want to end us now for the sake of drama and the fear of numbness. I also what to keep going for the sake of comfort and the thrill of heartbreak. You’ve already said on a couple occasions that you don’t see us lasting more than a couple years in any kind of association. Given my track record, that is a good guess. So then yeah, with such honest pessimism, why do this at all?

I’m in love with your tragedy. My interest hasn’t wavered because you’ll never not be a challenge. I will never be your priority. You say I am one of them, but 12 hours in the dark every two weeks still ends with you itching to be back on the road. You say an hour more is a lot of time. That does hurt. My tears the other morning had been held back before. You do need a house. Your time there is certainly more important. But if it weren’t the house, it would be something else. You are always itching to be back to your projects, regardless of their place on the hierarchy of needs.

I would never ask you to give up your hobbies. I admire your passion almost as much as you do. I just feel guilty when we are together, but I see that your mind is somewhere else.

Ehh I don’t know man. I’ll shut up and try to enjoy this.

[sagebasilmarigold]

It is a bit of a jealousy thing, or at least it definitely was.

Generally, I think I prefer to be single. Life for me is just easier that way.

I do worry that I can’t remain good for someone. I worry I will become mean and ungrateful. I worry I will drive them away. Too often once I’m comfortable, I do try to drive people away. Like I’m sick of them. If they can’t be driven, I do the leaving. I don’t trust myself to love someone endlessly.

I worry I’ve convinced myself I’m happier this way to avoid finding out if that suspicion is true or not.

Something about this scratches at that anxiety.

Generally, I’m not very good at keeping people around. I have this deep seated anxiety when it comes to relationships. I’ve said this before about someone else, but I’m afraid it’s also true of myself. I don’t trust myself to love someone.

Before I met you, I really thought I could take a shot at it. Then I did meet you, and everything felt really intense. I mean ffs you asked me to go to Greta within a week of talking to you and upon our first time meeting. I was entirely windswept and blind sighted. What a fucking dream you were!

Suddenly, we were delicate.

I had been so close to the edge for a long time— not entirely because of you, but the day you went to see her broke me. I sat in my car for over an hour muting myself on and off to conceal a panic attack while you told me everything and I tried so hard to be supportive because it felt like the thing to do to keep you around to prove that I could do at least that.

So now we are here, and the dust has settled. For the most part, I don’t think of her. I know it’s not my business. Something about that playlist scratched me there.

I am happy on my own, as far as I know. However, it is entirely possible that I have planted that as a comforting thought so I can delay finding out whether or not I can love endlessly. Who’s to say?

[sagebasilmarigold]

Hey

I’ve started missing you. Well I guess I started a few days ago. I just want to be held. I liked the way you did it.

You’re an asshole.

So am I.

Please come back, dickhead.

[sagebasilmarigold]

What would I be

If not

Fuck e ry

[sagebasilmarigold]

The birds stop singing when you play your own music. Farts don’t tend to compliment orchestras.

[sagebasilmarigold]

I said I don’t want to hurt you.

To me, you look like marble.

Can you hurt marble? No, but you can break it.

Seems hard, but I’m sure it’s easier than you’d think.

Once broken, can you ever fully be repaired?

[sagebasilmarigold]

I’ve woken up several times since you left wishing that I was being held.

[sagebasilmarigold]

Let me write cringe poems

I’m just a girl after all

[sagebasilmarigold]

Someone worth losing sleep over

Someone worth the sleepover

Someone who makes it easy to stay up

Someone who makes you energized in the morning anyway

Someone worth the time even when there isn’t much

[sagebasilmarigold]

I miss my Rose.

You still see me sleep. On your shrine and over my bed, your presence fills the room.

I thought I heard you speak tonight. It was just Cosmo chirping at a bird.

I miss your love. Excessive and rough, you’d lick my cheek. Paws and claws to beg for more smacks. Held like a child, in my arms you felt safe. Body to thigh, you’d sit while I cry.

I carried you from death once. Did you think of that day? If you had the words, what would you say? In those moments, you gripped me so tight. I always felt like your Moses. Had you accepted your fate? Did you know it was almost over? Did you think that was your deliverance? In a way it was.

I did my best for you. I hope you never suffered.

I love you Miss Rose. Thank you for your time.

[sagebasilmarigold]

Hi sweet boy, it’s me.

I worry for you sometimes.

Though, I don’t want to.

I love you. I’ve loved you since I met you. I’ve let you destroy me while you destroyed yourself. We can’t do that again.

While you take everything seriously, I will take everything cautiously.

I won’t be hurt by you again. I don’t ever want to make you feel that pain you’ve been feeling since before we met.

This is not worth the destruction. We are not worth the destruction.

[sagebasilmarigold]

You’re my friend. I could keep you forever like this. We’d be destroyed by anything more.

[sagebasilmarigold]

I liked sitting in your apartment this morning. You left and I was alone in your space. The flat was so still. The only life came through the open window from the street below. Peaceful.

Really, I could do whatever I wanted. We joked about me snooping through your secret box. Maybe you wanted me to in the way that I sent you my posts.

I took the morning at my own pace. Cared for the dog, dressed, tidied from the night before. I washed your dishes. You said that you don’t like when I do that. I don’t care. I’ll do it anyway.

You are so gentle. I watched you under heavy eyes. Rising like a work horse, you got ready for the day.

Alfalfa ass romantic. It would be so nice to fall for you again. I can’t right now. I’m a little preoccupied. Kinda. I don’t know. Garret just left. He wants to keep a friend through this. He wants to disappear completely, but he’s not brave enough to do so. I wonder if his friends will keep in contact with him while he’s gone. They do mostly play video games. I think. He wants letters from me, I don’t know if he expects them from anyone else. What will they mean to him?

You have a box of letters. That’s the secret box I never bothered to find. You hold these things so close to you.

Our good morning felt like a dream.

Between closed eyes, you entered the scene.

On the bed

In the shower

Standing over me with wet hair

I don’t even remember your face. You held me and my dog. Firm yet tender the way you do. Not knowing how married men make it to work, you let me hold you back with nothing but my eyes.

Months ago, I would have melted. I feel different now.

We are different now.

I felt deeply cared for and appreciated, not loved. Sometimes I wish you had someone to come home to. That was the implication I felt from you. I can’t be that person for you.

Garret thinks I’m ready for a relationship. For some reason, I feel like proving him wrong. Like I’m winning somehow if I can beat love. Maybe I don’t feel like proving him wrong. I just don’t ever feel like it’s a good time to get into that, so I push it off. It’ll happen when it does.

I don’t think you and I are headed there, not now anyway. You’re not healed. I can’t help you. Even sleeping with you wouldn’t help. We joke about that too. You take everything so seriously. I refuse to.

Basically, I don’t know how to feel about that moment. There’s so many factors at play. It was beautiful, but it has to be platonic.

What could you possibly have to say about it?

[sagebasilmarigold]

“ nothing is changing, but you are. “