sagravedralev

[sagravedralev]

Im not gonna live for long.

[sagravedralev]

I’m so happy by her side.

[sagravedralev]

This is how I feel.

After the loneliness in your heart grew inside caused by the fear of a new world, the distance of the relation and the hurt of my insecurities you became attached to someone else that made you feel a little bit as if you belonged there, kept your mind distracted, and filled the void I left by not being present in the last months. You felt him as an answer to your needs, at the beginning you liked the attention even tho you were not interested in love. You begged me to end our relation with the one and most strongest excuse of seeing other people, cus you wanted to try him without cheating even tho your feelings on me were low. That was worse. Maybe you felt okay with him after what you decided to do that Friday, and the weeks that followed when you played to have something with him, when you started to realize how different he was to me, you saw he was sure about you and him but you were still thinking about me. Even tho you said you loved me and that the contact with him had stop you still sneak with him from time to time. After you returned at the end of October you really felt into me again, and had to let him down, but that only caused him to make you feel guilty cause, you saw him everyday sad and he kept telling you how much he needed you, that made you feel regretful of seeing me, and you went back to him for a whiles, cause seeing him do bad made you feel guilty, question yourself again, made you feel needy, you started to feel alone, not wanting to get out of your room, you wanted him to go back and give you attention, you were slowly back again into each other, and maybe you didn’t told him that you were about to go with me that Friday, maybe he made you feel bad about going with me by getting mad, maybe something sexual happened between you two before I went to pick you up. Even tho you were with me you couldn’t stop thinking about him and every time I broke cause of my insecurities you felt it was a signal that we didn’t matched and that you had to go back to him. I was really nervous of letting you go like last time we went to a hotel, I feared that you were gonna go back to him, I feared not sleeping with you again, and that’s why I was also trying to get us one night more, and one night more, cause I was really having a great sleep and a great time with my friend, and in little glances I saw my baby gurl, I was depressed in moments I didn’t have to be depressed like in antea the second time we went, I apologize but all I wanted was your love, and again my fear of losing you ended your hope, I need your help to fix that, cause I want to be healthy again, and have the trust we had. I was gonna test your mind, when I asked, “should we let go now?” when we were in bed, and even tho I was surprised I expected that answer you gave me “yes”, in that moment I was sure that I ruined all again, and that you were gonna cut me again like in October to go back to him. In a sudden way you begged me again to let go of us, so you can go back to school and make it up to that guy for making him feel bad, and leaving him for me, instead of healing and working of us, because with that question I have you an easy way out and you took it right away without hesitation. And I can’t stop thinking about how I was again just your option, it was always obvious that you’ll had to break someone’s heart for the actions you caused and someone had to get hurt, me or him, I never thought you would chose him again, I never thought you’ll bring him to our world like you did when you came back. I really thought December was gonna be ours, and that I was gonna go celebrate with your friends and family your bday. I’m really heartbroken, every second that passes and you are not with me to be with someone else breaks my soul and everything I love. And I know it was easy for you to go and heal him after you broke his heart, for you it was easier to let me go, because you don’t see me cry everyday, cause you don’t see how vulnerable I am alone in my room, alone in my mind, because you don’t see how my body is after all my anxiety. >>>>>>

[sagravedralev]

It was easier for you to let me go, because you saw him everyday and you saw him sad, and it’s easier to fix something that’s present and also something you can’t ignore, and Im not in your view, that’s why it was easier for you to distance from me, expecting that you wouldn’t feel sad about me being left destroyed, cause even when you told me you wanted for me to do well, you went to heal someone else, while I was left alone and broken again. Everything in my world is dark, December doesn’t feels right, I feel alone in my own house, Im growing to dislike the people I live with, and I don’t want to keep disassociating from life, cause my mind is starting to question if everything is real, if the last months really happen. I can’t stop myself from dreaming about you, and dreaming about him also, and you choosing him, saying that you don’t love me and that it’s to late to try something again, cause now you are exclusive to him. The reason your haven’t been able to feel love for me like you did, is because you never cut him out of your life, and you had many opportunities, but now you feel something for him, you like him, you talk to him as when you talk to someone you are starting to fall in love with, in the eyes of the people there you belong to each other, you need his body, you tell him about you insecurities and you need him to distract yourself from them, you replaced me, from anywhere you want to see it, you replaced me so quick. I doubt you could break his heart and destroy him to fight for us, cause you didn’t cut him in time, cause you never truly turned back and answer my cries for help. I doubt that I am the worlds greatest detective, I just have a busy mind for details, I don’t know all the answers nor everything in the world, but I know about human behavior and how there’s always a factor for our actions, tangible, touchable factors we can put into words, nothing just “happens” it has a reason and that reason is because we made the decision for it to happen, we can’t say there’s no blame, cause actions are ours and reactions are our fault, and I apologize to you and to God every night for doing actions and decisions that drove me to lose you, I cry you, I cry us every night. And I don’t know why I am telling you all of this, you are the one studying psychology. With these words I want to tell you that, it is all my fault, everything that you are feeling is my fault. I triggered this, and even tho I try to stop it I failed. And I’ll never forgive myself for losing the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, my bestfriend and my future family.

[sagravedralev]

March 15, 2020. The day before quarantine started.

[sagravedralev]

And when I woke up in that morning, probably the second or the third day, it doesn’t matter cus I always woke up with that feeling, I wanted to ask you, if you would let me record you, I know that for someone like you that’s already falling out of love this statement or question might sound creepy, but I just wanted to tell you that when you woke up in the morning and right when you first open your eyes I saw an entire universe of possibilities, of shinny little stars and a glance of daylight brighter than the ones coming in between the blinds. Surprisingly your hair doesn’t gets cartoony messy, it always arranges back to a normal shape with every move you made. I saw the beauty in your face and the softness on your skin, and I thought about how innocent you are, how feminine you are and how smooth and hot you look. I told to myself; - “this is the ideal woman, she’s perfect, I mean look at her, isn’t her what all women are striving for? she didn’t even try, she’s naturally beautiful” - And I thought of how you’ll never know if a moment is gonna become the last one, and I thought of how I would like to save this moment, waking up by your side, cause if I lose you no matter how much I try to remember, with time these moments will fade, and if in the future I am not able to wake up by your side, I would rather wake up to a video of your beautiful sight.

[sagravedralev]

Maybe I’m wrong, I really hope that I am wrong, but I’m sensing that you, are about to give up and end us once an for all.

And I’m sorry, for pushing you to this.

[sagravedralev]

Y todavía creo que puedo esperar una eternidad por ti.

But I might know where your heart is going, and it’s direction is not in my way. I’m sorry for never getting the chance to actually experience the love we talked about before college started, well, before you went to campus.

It was a rough start for both, I couldn’t handle my fear during distance, and you were not ready to be far away from your lover. I know that there were many things that lacked to your body, heart and mind, cus of the distance. I know you were not ready, and never got the time to properly heal you. I thought my love was stronger than this, that was able to travel with you.

Sometimes I forget the truth, that we actually just made it to 1 year and 11 months, the rest of it has been just… I would like to wake up one day from all of this, look at my phone to tell you “good morning” and drive to your home later on the day.

This is not something you can forget of, or eventually get over, at least for me. Do you remember that silly game on Rick and Morty, Roy? That game where you live a life of someone else, well I feel like that. Loving you meant promises, meant things to actually care about for the future and the present, meant being consistent and dedicated, meant being a support. It’s as if I dream about having the perfect wedding, the perfect proposal, the perfect family and children, a good job and a happy wife; at the long run, at the short run, the perfect girlfriend, my best friend, the emotional support for the mind, body and heart. I feel like I just woke up from a dream were I imagined all of those, and it hurts, maybe I was living in the future, just promises that “changed” cus we fear to say the broke.

Cant help but think about how wonderful we had it, how well we fit together and how everything looked to have been perfectly arraigned. I still have hopes for us, for you, but I know what changed in your heart. That’s why I question why did you ever fall in love with me.

You might deny it, you might thing I’m crazy by insisting on that, but I know the feelings and I know the circumstances.

There were many things you stopped feeling from me, mainly cus of the distance, my attitude at the beginning and the new things you found over there in campus.

Si esto se acaba, siempre voy a pensar que fue mi culpa, porque así es, you were so innocent, and I was just so afraid to lose you, that I inevitably pushed you into oblivion.

I always knew what things we had to fix, I always knew what things were lacking, I always knew how to make things right. I still think we can make it, but now I doubt about the location of your heart, and I don’t want for you to be with me just to make me happy as you said, if we are gonna try it it has to be because we both want it to work. I know that things would’ve gone different at the hotel weekend we had, if only I wasn’t too pushy on that issue that my mind has, that you also have.

Por tu hermosa cara, por tu cuerpo tan sensual, por tu brillante piel, as shinny as Christmas lights, por tu inigualable personalidad, por tu amor, por lo que amas, por lo que te atrae y t encanta, por lo que te fascina, porque todo lo que haces me fascina, porque tu forma de existir me vuelve loco y me emociona, porque en ti encontré todo lo que deseo de una pareja, de una amiga, de una futura esposa, porque todo lo que veo en ti es admirable, es bastante valioso y único. Por todo lo que tú significas a este mundo es que he decidido quedarme todo este tiempo, por todas las risas que te causé, por todos los buenos momentos y las románticas vistas, por todo eso me quedo, and i know that for you’ll wait an eternity. But I’m afraid that I’m holding onto strings better left to fray.

Tho, it’s not about waiting, it’s about making actions, and choosing. I’m not gonna stop showing you, how perfect we can have it, while there’s still time to look back, before everything is forgotten and erased, before the path dissolves into ashes and dust.

[sagravedralev]

Help me.

[sagravedralev]

I miss you.

[sagravedralev]

The last time I saw my girlfriend, was on August, Friday 13.

She looked so happy, exited about college, and desperate to kiss me.

I’ll give my life to return to that day, and do things differently. Cus now I don’t have her, nor the happiness of our perfect love. And I miss her, with all I am.

It’s all my fault.

[sagravedralev]

I’m not gonna lie to you nor exaggerate, losing you has me submerged into a deep depression state, my whole view of the world has been shattered. And I don’t want to ultimately lose us. I haven’t been able to picture my life without you, and it’s imposible after two years of promises.

It’s obvious that you want out of here, it’s obvious that you want someone else, it’s obvious that you are afraid of hurting me more than afraid of staying. I don’t know why I keep fooling myself thinking you’ll chose us.

[sagravedralev]

Just tell me the truth. Tell me that you are afraid of letting me go mainly cus of the history we had, and that you feel unsure about a future with me.

Tell me that you have found a new love, a new way to love, a love that it’s exciting at first, tell me that you truly love him, and that you can’t just put your mind in him cus you fear that will hurt me. Tell me that he fucks better than me, tell me that he has made you come faster more times than I ever did, tell me that he tastes better than me in every sense, tell me that you love to have your legs around his body.

[sagravedralev]

My late night talks, changed for a guy in a pink cap.

[sagravedralev]

Her absence and this uncertainty she’s giving me hot my stomach hurting, my bones aching and my muscles tired.

[sagravedralev]

Goodbye.

[sagravedralev]

I’m causing you pain, but I told you I would never walk away, how can I leave without breaking what I want in life? I want to grow with her.

I’m not the one she needs, I’m causing her too much pain. I’m not the chosen one anymore, and I’m not enough. I think she is getting closer to someone else, someone that sends her songs when something puts her in bad mood, someone that tells her jokes and makes her smile, someone who’s always around her and near if she needs it, someone attractive enough to cause her pleasure and incite her mind. Someone that’s not me.

I don’t wanna leave cus she’s my opportunity at a happy life, she’s the change at success, she’s the one that cares.

But I broke her, even in the moments I thought I was making her happy. Even in the moments I thought were good.

I became the problem and someone else is trying to halo her face it.

I don’t know if I should leave, something I feel that she already left.