sailingunderblueskies

[sailingunderblueskies]

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk (via mmqd)

[sailingunderblueskies]

It's been a while...

So it's been exactly 2 years since I started this blog and until today I'd only made 3 posts.... now 4.

The point of this blog was to get my thoughts out there in a way that would release them from me and because by writing them down, hopefully I would be able to better understand what I was trying to think in the first place.

But apparently I got rather side-tracked.

So to quickly sum up those 2 years, I quit the degree I was doing, was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, did 4 weeks as an apprentice chef, broke up with my abusive boyfriend, moved to Victoria, got a new boyfriend, got a new job, started a new degree, got engaged, got unengaged (but stayed the relationship) had 2 surgeries and met a whole swarm of new people.

However, in that time span, I've forgotten to actually make time for myself. I’ve forgotten to listen to music and to write and to express myself in any sort of way. Occasionally I’ll write a few small things down in my journal but it’s really not the same so I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and make time at least 4 times a week to just vent out all my emotions whether they are positive or negative so that I can feel human again.

I also want to use this as a way of discovering who I am. What are my passions, what do I want to be in the future, where do I want to go. Who is Sarah?

Hopefully by doing this I will be able to centralize my thoughts and to understand my emotions better, understand my emotional triggers better and through that understanding I will be able to have more stable moods and therefore a much better relationship with my boyfriend.

So, here’s to new beginnings, to understanding and to a brighter future.

Welcome to my life.

To begin this journey, here's photo of me and my boyfriend take last nigh after dinner in the city and a lovely walking exploration of Swanston and Flinders streets. We simply enjoyed the night as teenagers, something we don't get to do often due to busy student lives. Enjoy every moment is the main thing I took from last night.

[sailingunderblueskies]

Love and Life.

All around us people seem to be getting engaged, have been engaged for a while now or are now getting married.

2 weeks ago, my highschool friend was proposed to by her boyfriend of 6 months.

It got me thinking about my own relationship of almost 6 months. I wake up each morning and lay there for almost 5-10 minutes simply watching my significant other sleep, because it's the only time he is peaceful and lays still. During the day, he does all he can to keep me happy, smiling and healthy. He tickles me, makes me healthy dinners and packs my lunch for uni if I'm too busy. He helps me study when he can see I'm struggling. He's my protector, walking me to and from the bus, work and multiple other places. He hugs me when I'm scared. He learns my favourite songs on guitar so that he can play them for me, or even just love songs I know so he can sing them to me.

And on the nights he's away, I curl up trying to sleep, afraid and oh so ever alone, and on one of those nights I realised. If he proposed to me right now, even with just a crappy plastic ring out of a $2 store, I wouldn't even hestitate to say yes.

[sailingunderblueskies]

So here's how it goes....

We count the days so we know what day those precious eggs are going to drop and either plan to take our partner into a spin all that week to make sure we get it fertilised or we make sure to avoid removing our clothes at all in the presence of our loved one during that week so we don't fall pregnant and then we await that awful few days of pain, cramps, mood swings and the bloody mess we can't escape.

Well, for me it's timed to the exact hour every time it comes, and because I've only just recently become active, I was waiting for that precious hour to come to confirm that I absolutely was not pregnant. Stupid really since I've been on the pill nearly 3 years now and won't let my boyfriend near me without protection, and yet for some reason every nerve in my body feared there was no way my period was going to come this time.

And it didn't.

I waited 24 hours before re-reading the instructions in the packet of my contraceptive pill. "A missed period can occur and does not mean you are pregnant." Still, I fretted. I worked myself up so much that everything Liam did would bug me. Until I finally came out with why I was stressed. And he kept pushing buttons so I left town for an afternoon and refused to answer his calls.

"If it doesn't come, it's bad news for you too."

"How? Why's it so important anyway?"

"Getting your period is a pretty sure-fire way of knowing you're not pregnant."

"But, the pill, the condoms?"

"I don't know, but it's not here yet!"

I guess it's true the more you stress about your period not coming, the more it won't come.

The minute I relaxed I felt the onset of cramps and 20 minutes later, yep, a bloody mess.

And yet, the minute a saw that mess, I cried not tears of relief, but of grief.

Because even in not wanting to be pregnant because of the plans I have, the thought that there could have been something growing inside me, even if it was only for around 48 hours, I wanted that to be real so badly.

I wanted a little baby to be growing inside me, so that I could look after it, and call it my own and teach it to walk and talk.

Of course once I finish my degree and have a career I'll actually be trying for a child, but in that moment that I realised I wasn't having one right now, I wanted one more than ever.

And I can't tell anyone about.

So, here's the first insight to my mind.

Prepare yourself for the wackiness that will continue as you learn all the things I need to tell people, but have no-one that I can properly confide in.

Welcome to my life.