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Fun facts: there are microscopic organisms such as fungi and bacteria inside your body helping you function. Every human is a living ecosystem. Please say thank you to the thousands of tiny things helping you stay alive.

Good night!!

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Humans and rules

When I was first assigned to work with humans I did as I would with any new species and researched their customs.

What I found was a bewilderingly huge list of rules. Not just the usual atmospheric and dietary rules, but complex customs, beliefs, security, and safety. There was too much to take in.

Surely, a species with so many complex rules must be bureaucrats and negotiators. Why would an exploration team need beings suited to treaties and trade deals?

Then the team of humans arrived. They arrived with contraband, non-regulation uniforms, and their very greetings went against their written customs.

I threw out my research, convinced it was all wrong.

Only much later, after discovering the distillation equipment in the secondary laboratory (horrifically, I must report humans ingest alcohol for fun - I swear by my clutch mates this is true) did the senior human tell me an uncomfortable truth.

"You gotta know the rules before you can break them. Nah, seriously, pretty much every one of our rules comes from someone doing something stupid and getting themselves killed "

They have so many rules not because they are bureaucrats but because they know they are so reckless. Rules are the only chance they have of species survival.

It puts their regulations and customs in a more terrifying light. Especially after they told me the reason they shake hands upon meeting is to ensure neither is holding a weapon in their dominate hand.

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I'm proud of you for making it through today to this point.

There are 1461 days left until someone else is in office. There are 208 weeks until someone else is in office.

We will take them one at a time, together. Team cockroach.

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Petty Arguments

It took a really, really long time for aliens to catch onto the petty, nonsensical, unimportant, unfathomable arguments and opinions that humans chose as their hill to die on.

These absurd stances included, but were not limited to:

            -did cereal count as soup?

            -what letters were even and what letters were odd?

            -where hamburgers sandwiches?

            -did a toothbrush get wet before or after the toothpaste was on it?

            -was water wet?

            -could the human body tell the difference between wet and cold?

 These questions were illogical, but if one was asked, all humans in the immediate vicinity formed a hard and fast opinion and squabbling would ensue.

 .  .  .

 Human 1: All vowels are even, and consonants are odd.

 Human 2: Wrong. Consonants are even, and vowels are odd.

 Human 1: Vowels are smooth, and therefore even!

 Human 2: Consonants are jagged, and that’s why they’re even!

 Human 3: Doesn’t it depend on what font you use anyways?

 Human 4: The best front is Comic Sans MS.

 Human 1, 2, 3: …

 *bickering*

 The aliens watched in scared horror as the humans started screaming font names at each other. The argument was only interrupted by a moderate emergency and seemingly forgotten by the humans…

 … until two weeks later when someone filled out a report wrong and the font discussion came up again.

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There's the urban legend that some japanese companies will hire a "loud American." A person who is just there to voice complaints to the boss when others cant.

I had an idea today that alien ships might hire "The Human!" A person who is just there to just stand there and looks like the be the big, tough, indestructible threat of a being that the galaxy knows humans are.

Doesnt matter who the human is. Big or small, male or female, a tough soldier or more gentle than a newborn. They just have to be present and let the reputation of humans speak for itself.

Is the captain trying to enforce an unpopular regulation on the crew? Ask The Human to have a private meeting and voice the complaints.

Trying to sell some goods but the buyer wants to renegotiate the price to be more unfair to you? Ask The Human to be there at the negotiating table.

That jerk at the bar keeps pestering you with their mating display, because they want to be the one to fertilize your eggs wont take no for an answer? Ask The Human to escort you back to your quarters.

Not sure if the neighborhood where you're making the delivery is a safe one? Just ask that lovely human if they wouldnt mind putting down their crochet and coming with you. They might be extra thrilled if you mention they could take their pet with them, for a walk.

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Hangry Humans

As per standard operational procedure, we spent some time observing the Humans before we moved in.

It was identified early on that they stop work for meals three times a day and often have small amounts of food between these meals while they work. This is a common enough occurrence in many species who graze throughout their day cycle and was taken note of, again as per regulations.

We waited until the soldier caste humans were gone and swiftly incapacitated the remaining research caste via the standard electrical field interference method. We included in our observations the speed at which the humans recover from this, it is far faster than most and almost caught us out.

Then we moved the humans to our remote holding pens, providing what shelter they required and, as per passifying technique protocols, restricted their meals to once per day.

We have never had this technique fail. Keeping captives weak to prevent escape is a common method utilised for all grazing type species.

After several days we, foolishly, believed the humans would be docile enough to allow for close quarter testing.

We entered their holding pen with the standard protective equipment and when we were rushed we attempted to utilise the electrical stun weapons, but we could not prevent them from overwhelming us.

I must report that our survival was purely down to the humans choosing to spare us because we were more interesting alive than dead. They even told us why they were so determined to escape and from this I must update the standard protocols to form an exception in interactions with humans.

Do not, under any circumstances, deny a human their regular meals. Far from making them docile, it instead places them in a heightened state of aggression, the term for which is hangry.

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Humans aren’t poisonous

It was another canteen argument at the spaceport. This time it was about the new species, the humans.

“I hear they are poisonous. That is why they do not come near and why they cover their skin, so they do not harm others.”

“I heard the clothes are about clan allegiances and you know who they follow from their colours.”

“I thought it was which Gods they follow.”

“No, it is poison.”

The argument had various creatures involved, they were from a crew whose Captain prided themselves on picking as many species as possible to work for them, and who was already attempting to entice a human onboard.

There were so many conflicting stories about the humans. They looked harmless, unarmoured, no claws to speak of, they were not even especially big although further rumour was that they were incredibly strong for their size. But, when the Dran attacked them no one could have predicted how easily the humans sent the dangerous imperialists fleeing back to their home world. How did they do it? No one quite knew.

“They are poisonous. How else did they kill everyone on the Helin outpost without any weapons? With only on scout ship.”

There was a snort from the hooded figure at the bar. “Humans aren’t poisonous, trust me, I should know.”

“I learned that from the team who investigated the outpost. I know.”

The hood was lowered to reveal a human with short brown hair and a frighteningly toothy smile. “My knowledge is a little more first hand than yours. We aren’t poisonous.” He reached in and patted the speaker’s lower mandible, laughing as it recoiled from his touch. “You’ll be fine.”

“If you are not poisonous, how did you do it? They were clearly poisoned by something horrific, a biological agent that the investigators swore was somehow alive.”

The human licked his lips. “I said we aren’t poisonous, I wasn’t lying.”

“So you’re defenceless.” The insectoid being stood. It was angry at being touched by a soft fleshy creature, it felt dirty.

“Nope. I’m human, I’m never defenceless.”

“It would be so easy to defeat you in combat.” It loomed over the human. “Why is it you do not cower? How do you kill your enemies?”

“You wanna become my enemy and find out?”

“Johnson!” The sharp snap from the across the room made everyone freeze.

The human sighed, his eyes dropping. “Sir.”

“Back off, right now.” This barked order came from a Subeco warrior in the uniform of a merchant vessel.

Johnson grumbled. “Seriously?”

“I don’t want another incident, stop baiting people.”

“He called me defenceless.”

“And that is not a capital offence. I have found a trader who has a pallet of what he claims is a human drink called Rum, I need you to help me check it.”

“Rum? It better be dark rum, I don’t want any of that Bacardi shit.” Johnson forgot the insectoid to the lure of alcohol, striding to the door.

“Subeco.” the insectoid was not so quickly put off. It respected the Subeco, they were fine warriors, proven in eons of battle across the galaxy. “What do you know of humans? How are they so dangerous?”

The Subeco’s head wobbled from side to side as they considered their answer. “They are extremely vindictive with tools and masters of improvised weapons, but mostly they kill their enemies slowly.”

“So they are poisonous.”

“No not poisonous, but they are venomous.”

The entire room’s attention was fixed on the Subeco in a moment.

There was a sneer from the warrior who knew one of their best guards was a human with a short temper. It was useful to make sure people were scared of him. “Their fluids are all toxic to some extent, but their saliva is laced with micro-organisms, viruses and bacteria. Death by human is slow and excruciating.”

“I’ll be sure to never let one bite me.” the insectoid was not impressed.

“Bite?” the Sebeco laughed, copying the noise used by humans that was so off putting. “If Johnson wanted you dead he would have stayed at the bar and spat into one of your eyes. My survival tip for dealing with humans is be more useful alive than dead or stay out of range.”

“What is their range?”

The Subeco looked at Johnson before turning back to the insectoid. “If you have to ask that question, you’re too close. Enjoy your drinks, gentle-beings.”

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I’m 100% behind the “what do aliens find notable about humans” “fuck yeah humanity” posts suggesting that it’s our ingenuity or our social bonds or our disregard for personal safety, either in the extraordinary heroism sense or in the hold my beer and watch sense, but let’s be honest

let’s just be honest with ourselves

we’re gonna be the ones on Space Tumblr arguing ad nauseum about whether fucking an alien is queer

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You know how we frequently picture aliens as being big predatory monsters? What if that’s what WE look like to aliens?

Perhaps it’s really rare for predatory species to be social and intelligent. Could be most of them are solitary and only as smart as they need to be to catch and eat prey. In a more resource lush environment, that’s not hard. It’s only when food gets scarce that the predators need to get clever.

So other aliens meet us, and are TERRIFIED of us, because even though we keep talking about peace, we’re well known for violence, for killing EACH OTHER, even. And even though we have the option not to, we still eat other animals, just because THEY TASTE SO GOOD.

The aliens try to integrate humans into their vast federations and trade alliances and such. But they’re always afraid of us, even when we try so hard to be nice. We learn not to make casual death threats (“I’ll kill him!” “WHAT” “No not for reals”) or practice martial arts in their presence. But aliens have an unspoken policy of never having more than one human on board a ship at a time, lest we feed on each other’s inherent violent nature, turn on each other, then slaughter the rest of the crew in our bloodlust.

Which would TOTALLY never happen. Except for the one time it did.

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All these posts about humans getting into shenanigans on alien ships but if the aliens installed one television the human shenanigans would reduce by 20% at least.

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A Star Trek idea: A comedy sitcom where instead of a Vulcan on a mostly human ship it is a human on a mostly Vulcan ship

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one time I saw a photo of a skinned whale/dolphin flipper on reddit or something and I've just never recovered

there's just. A paw in there.

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diary darkners

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Reddit liked this one lol

Her sprite feels SO out of place with the rest of the family. I think it's done on purpose to highlight how different she is from both Rudy and Noelle. She scares the SHIT out of me

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Tenna loves being decorated :]

(inspo pics and rambling under the cut!)

Alright, this is all gonna sound cringe asf, but basically I did this for an rp I'm doing with my friend FJEKEKDKNE

I had sent him a tiktok video of someone decorating their crt and said "Tenna rn" bc it had hello kitty figurines on top and I thought that was cute asf

So then I kinda went down this rabbit hole by myself of people decorating their crts with like. Stickers or paint, figurines, etc

And I found this one too which I thought was adorable bc of the cute bow. Mettaton coded.

So then I had that idea about how you decorate him in the lightworld affecting how he's dressed in the dark world, so I started looking for hello kitty shit and I found this

Which I thought was adorable but I wasn't vibing with like. The black. So I went out find pink suits in particular and I found these really cute frilly ones

So I tried to combine all three and BAM I got a really cute hello kitty tenna hehehe

He kinda looks like a magical girl tbh and I FUCKS WITH IT

anyway yeah that's it ok bye

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