saltysniper

[saltysniper]

A group of far-future linguists and archeologists suddenly *poof* into existence in front of me. One is holding a tablet. "What is the difference between 'red sauce' and 'tomato sauce?'" they ask me. "The distinction is not clear in extant texts from this time and place."

"Uh, they're the same thing," I tell them. "Who are you?"

"Yes!" the being with the tablet exclaims.

One of the other researchers groans. "No! My thesis...months of writing wasted..." One of the others comforts them.

"Now, what is this object for?" The first researcher holds up a discolored, dinged-up plastic object. It's clearly been buried in the ground for quite some time, but the two holes and the scuffed plastic window are distinctive.

"That's a cassette tape. You record music with it."

"Interesting, interesting." The being enters something on the tablet.

"How are you speaking English?"

"Sophisticated translation technology," one of the researchers confides. "We are students of your society. From the future."

"What does this pictogram represent?" The researcher with the tablet turns it around so that the screen faces me.

It's the eggplant emoji.

"Sex," I say. "Why do you need to ask me this if you can time travel or whatever? Can't you just go wherever you want to go and look around and see how these things are being used?"

The beings shift guiltily and look at each other. "Technically, travel to times and places prior the advent of time travel is strictly prohibited. Paradoxes, you know."

"Oh."

"We must get back before our advisor returns to the lab. Just don't tell anyone you saw us, alright? The space-time continuity depends on it. Can you do that?"

"Uh, sure, I guess?"

One of them pats me on the head. "And don't go to Mars."

"Okay. Wait, why? Is it dangerous?"

"No. Just not worth it."

The group disappears in a shimmering light.

The cassette clatters to the sidewalk behind them.

Out of befuddlement, mainly, I pick it up. It's clearly old, discolored and scuffed, but it still has tape in it.

I carry the tape around in my pocket for a while. The curiosity builds. I want to know what's on that tape. I don't have a cassette player anymore, so I go to Goodwill and pick up the first one I can find, praying that it still works. I plug it in. It turns on.

I slide the tape inside. It's dirty, but it still seems to be in decent shape. I snap the player closed and hit play. The wheels begin to turn. I hold my breath.

A familiar tune starts up. A wobbly voice comes out of the machine.

We're no strangers to love

[saltysniper]

DIGITAL ARTISTS: remember to create a new layer for each individual mark yuo make and dont label any of them today

[saltysniper]

gk

[saltysniper]

imagine. you're a quiet gentle guy. you're dating the most gorgeous girl you've ever seen, the girl who you have been dreaming of for years. she's a sweet person despite her aloof facade. things are good and you really want this to work. you met her mom already but she seems a bit hesitant to take you to her dad's. she had issues understanding him before, but she loves him a lot, and she mentioned a couple times to you that there is a person in his father's life that he's been seeing for years and has helped him a lot. she seems to be grateful of his presence and that makes you want to meet him even more. finally, one day she decides it's time, she trusts you won't get weirded out, as if you ever would honestly. you're nervous but excited. determined to win them over. you go to her home and she leads you to the kitchen. sitting at the table are her father and... your fucking pet platypus.

[saltysniper]

this is so wild

[saltysniper]

Daily affirmations:

✅ you are the prettiest officer in the frigate

✅ the articles of war do not apply to you

✅ it's ok to seduce your superior for some good wine

[saltysniper]

baby girl I don't know what that acronym means. it would be so sexy of you to write out that piece of media's name in its entirety. Just the one time for momma please.

[saltysniper]

tgis is so fucking funny to me. they accidentally Rock Lee'd a retired racehorse

[saltysniper]

We need to go back to using sailing ships full time like immediately. Yes it would take longer to get places but the Aesthetic is unmatched

Like there is nothing sexier hthan this

[saltysniper]

it's crazy that you used to be able to look up specific clips from a tv show on youtube. now regardless of your search terms you get 6 unrelated promo reels from the show's official account, 6 unrelated clips of literally anything else youtube thinks you might click on, 6 unrelated promo reels from the network's official account, 6 more completely arbitrary recommendations, 6 show trailers and publicity videos of the actors by content mills called 'pop glutton' and 'comedy chunk' and finally raw gameplay footage of a mobile freemium slots game and a video essay called Liberals Can't Belive It: 10 Times Hitler Was Shockingly Woke

[saltysniper]

i love you singers whose vocals sound desperate i love you musicians who sound like if you don’t get this song out you’re going to explode i love you songs that sound like they’re dragging the vocalist with them 80 miles per hour down the highway tied to the back of a truck i love you voice cracks in emotional songs i love you unique voices i love you music that disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed

[saltysniper]

post brought to you by the bastard huntsman that hurled itself away from me in a panic for five minutes before i gave up and walked away

[saltysniper]

I made a bad comic and now you have to look at it

[saltysniper]

I can't unsee the cats, and bees don't have ears, unless they're supposed to be wings? Antennae? Dammit, those are cats.