sambalbilis77

[sambalbilis77]

6/10 sunset for my last night in this place that I call home the last 2 years. And this is also to end my sad post regarding my breakup because I get it and I finally understand that things happen for a reason, I grieved, I healed (and still healing) , I focused on my career, I meet new people and the list goes on.

This is also a sign for myself in the future, that my tough times do not last but tough people do.

Thank you flat 119 for the memories. I’ve grown so much and I can’t wait to see what’s next!

[sambalbilis77]

TDM 25.

You called my name and wished me good luck

I said thanks, you too

I put on my shades from the start because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it

I was tearing up then and cried through the second half

How did we go from being inseparable to absolute strangers?

[sambalbilis77]

April 4th.

Today I woke up crying because I had a dream that H asked me to not go to the same cycling club as his new girlfriend is in there. Weird dream, I know. But I was also so knackered from on call this week. So last night when I drove back from work, I was crying. Because I was aware that today would have been our anniversary. I let myself cry. Then I went to bed.

This morning I had a slow morning with no alarm, woke up at 7.50 am with a swollen eye, crazy how I can cry in my sleep and my pillow was wet.

But then I felt ok, did some grocery shopping & went to padel which was good and pilates. I cleaned the whole flat and I was going to throw away all my cards from H but as above. I don’t think I’m ready yet. I can’t. There’s so many cards where he said I made him a better person and that I was the best thing that ever happened to me. But it was also the same guy that decided to walk away - but I also understand. It is inevitable because his moral / accepting faith is important to him.

When I talked to A, she said it’s valid because it is important to him. Of course you’d have other people who wouldn’t mind converting on paper but that is because it does not matter to them. But if it does, then it is valid. I like A because she is like my big sister and sometimes make me see things clearer.

6 years ago today, I was driving back home from kelantan because I was bored and Kaly said she’ll get in the car with me. We then went to Bangsar, and I met this amazing person. Then somehow, despite the long distance, both of us were struggling during lockdown, and then we also witnessed each other slowly getting our career path on track. Life works in a magical way.

I still truly believe that he was my soulmate. He was my 20s and I will always carry this love with me, wherever I go.

Wherever you are H, I hope you are staying healthy and safe. I miss you, and I still see you wherever I go.

My heart is nowhere near ready to start dating again. I’m spiralling and I am finally getting help.

I will be okay.

[sambalbilis77]

Still crying every now and then, but this time I’m continuously praying for your happiness and health and success because I want the best for you.

[sambalbilis77]

Life in the fast lane

Completed my second last weekend night shift as F2 doctor and idk what it is, but it's always the last night that would be chaotic, emotional - everything in between.

Yesterday a child arrested and did not make it because of diarrhoea and vomiting, it was very unfortunate and I cannot imagine what the parents are going through. I can't - I don't really know how to digest this, I spent a while last night trying to recollect my thoughts and I find myself becoming very tearful. Very unexpected and again, makes you think that anything can happen in a blink of an eye.

And then throughout the night, received an arrest bleep. 80 y/o, came in with a fall, then somewhere in between, had a cardiac arrest.

Life is short. The next thing you know you're going to be old and rely on others as well. I always try to be the best doctor I can, in hope that if my parents ever have to go to seek medical attention they will be treated like I how I treat my patients.

Also a reminder to myself - to not forget tell people who mean a lot to me how much I love them. In terms of people who chose to leave, I am unsure how I will be able to convey my feelings any longer. I guess through prayers in hope that you'd still feel the love that I have and am still instilling in you.

Messaged A today, she said I should start dating again soon, or maybe go out with her group of friends, But I know in my core that I need to do a lot of healing for myself first. Love will come, hopefully, eventually when I least expect it. Just like how I met H last time. Our paths just crossed.

[sambalbilis77]

Came back from work feeling drained, but realise I have to be grateful at the same time. Last night’s shift made me realise that life is quite literally so short so I at some point have to start living again.

[sambalbilis77]

For all it’s worth

I’m glad we made it this far. Those were the toughest years of my life, and you were there and supported me. I know that there is so much love between us and I have no doubt that you were my soulmate. Not everyone is meant to be forever with their soulmate. This next journey is yours and mine alone. Where will life take us I don’t know. I am still, deep down hoping that we will meet again. I will stop journaling here when I am ready to delete every picture that I have, but I know in my mind it will always be there.

[sambalbilis77]

Post night shift, realised how much I need a hug and used to having a hug or a lay down after a long night. And I broke down again. For me to look back one day

[sambalbilis77]

I need help.

[sambalbilis77]

I don’t know if it’s the hormone surge because I’ve been off pill for more than a month now or it’s just me trying to heal myself but I woke up today on my zero day at 6am crying because I miss H. I kept thinking about the what ifs and all the I should haves. I should have just hugged him when he was angry or frustrated I should have tried harder to be his peace. I know in my heart that none of this is related to as why we ended things and it’s because of religion but I keep overthinking it but maybe , and hopefully it is my mind way of letting him go. But God it is hard and painful.

About to force myself to go for a cycle now so that I can have a good sleep prior to my night shift.

I also, unexpectedly grew very close to M the past few weeks. She tried to check on me every single week and she would come to Ancoats for a sauna when she can. I know that she is trying to be there for me and for that I am very grateful. Went for a 42k cycle with her yesterday and it was a lovely day. I think I need this kind of friendship in my late 20s because I’m alone in this part of the world and I also have to make effort.

[sambalbilis77]

In case of anyone is wondering, I still cry myself to sleep at night. It still hurts so much. And I still cannot imagine being with anyone else, even the idea of it makes me feel sick. I hope I will feel better soon and that I find my spark again. I’ve been very active physically yes, but mentally I am nowhere near.

[sambalbilis77]

Still. Spiralling. But hopefully, slowly, with time I will feel better again soon.

First pic is me last night, I now spend my Saturday evening cycle to the other part of Manchester just so that I can have dinner at Damia’s and yap. Alvin was there last night and it’s good to speak with another doctor, with my interview coming up. Earlier yesterday I joined the Padel social, it was ok but great weather.

This morning I played Padel, then sauna & ice plunge at 5, and Padel again at 7pm. I recently got myself a garmin watch, and someone please tell me why am I so tachycardic at rest? Tbf, I have been so anxious as of late. Worried about everything.

All I want right now is to feel better again before it starts eating me alive. I want to feel better. Physically I know that I’ve been better but mentally I’m way off. I’ve been exercising more than I usually do which is great, but why am I still drowning mentally? I’m struggling. There were times where I felt like I’m out of breath and God I have not felt like that in a really long time. I just want to feel ok again.

[sambalbilis77]

I’m currently frustrated because I should have learned more life and technical skills when H was around because I don’t even know what pump works for my bicycle and I’m so frustrated because I wanted to go for a ride. Another sad part about breaking up, when you need your boyfriend but he is no longer your boyfriend. Sigh

[sambalbilis77]

This week was a lot of emotions, especially when driving to and from work. I have been keeping myself really busy, every single night I either play padel or have pilates. Last night I went to Yoga in south manchester with Mol and Molly. It was great and very relaxing. It makes me a bit sad inside when they were both talking about how they are moving in with their partners soon etc, but I am very excited for both of them. This week I was working 5 days in ED.

Today, I managed to cover resus with a really lovely registrar. I get to see really sick people straight from ambulance. I also saw a child, a very small child, both parents crying while she was struggling to breathe and I was trying to get a line in her arms. I was shaking, as it was my first time but it was successful and I received good feedback from my consultant. I almost cried as well, as I cannot imagine what the parents are going through. I also thought, if I had gone through with mine a couple of years ago, they would be of the exact age. I still have a bit of regret and every time I think about it, I just hope that I was forgiven and that they're waiting for me up there. It was not the right time, one day I will be a mum.

I also fixed someone's wrist, this is my favourite thing to do in ED. Although I was really frustrated as it did not turn out as good as I'd hoped it would be.

I made a last minute plan to go to Nice in 3 weeks time to chill and watch tennis. I suddenly have the urge to travel again by myself, something that I have done in the past when I was in my early twenties.

I don't know why but I am still spiralling and just trying to keep my head above water but sometimes I literally feel like I am drowning.

I hope things will get better soon, I hope that I will feel better soon.

But today, at work, I really felt like I was a doctor. And for the first time in a long time, I did not feel like I have imposter syndrome. Such an honour to be able to save lives, and I am grateful.

It also made me realise that life is short. So hold on to the people that you love dearly, do not forget to tell them that you love them as you don't know when will be the last.

[sambalbilis77]

[sambalbilis77]

One month after.

I will always remember this date, exactly a month ago I came back from work and was waiting for a post long day hug. And H said the moment I came in the door ‘can we talk’ and there rest is history. I never actually got that post work manj and hug that I was really in need of that day, I remember it clearly as I attended a cardiac arrest in a CT department, another life lost right in front of my eye.

I was just thinking yesterday, as I spoke with my mum that I think I am slowly starting to heal. These past 4 weeks have just been the grieving process in my opinion, even today, on my way back to work, I cried. Because I remember the days where all I’m looking forward to after a long drive was coming back home to H. It all seemed worth it.

It doesn’t help that I recently spoke with one of my new colleagues and she was asking so many questions as to why I’m living in Manchester, and she was saying, ‘but it didn’t work out and all of this was for nothing?’ She apologised right after but wow these are the kind of things that people say, that made me think, was I stupid?

I have also been trying to find things to not like H so much, trying to find out if there is a third person or that he really fell out of love for me but of course I couldn’t find anything. I couldn’t hate him for anything. He was truly my dream person. And for the last 6 years, I thought was my soulmate. Deep down inside my heart and core, I still pray that he will always be happy, content and most importantly healthy. That’s when I know, I know that my love for this person is truly, truly unconditional.

But one thing I always have to remember is that he chose to lose me and he chose to lose me.

A part of me cannot wait to get out of this flat and Manchester as it still causes me so much pain because everywhere I look I see him. I am trying really hard to get a job outside of Manchester solely for this reason.

I am also trying to look at this from a different perspective, maybe I should look forward to meeting new people, falling in love again etc etc but that is definitely not now. There is so much healing that I have to do.

So tonight, on my first month post break up I played Padel with no other than my lash tech, H (another H), N & C. It was good and we won.

Can we skip to the part where I’m healed, in love with my actual person, a surgeon and have children? I guess I can’t do that, because after all, c’est la vie.

[sambalbilis77]

I have been in bed for an hour now trying to fall asleep. Voices in my head keep asking what was it that I not do enough. Did he not realise how I would do anything for him, literally anything? I’m screaming in my head and everything in me wants to text him but what is the point ? He chose to lose me. He chose to lose me. And that’s that.