sara-awesom

[sara-awesom]

I wished I was the one you were longing for.

[sara-awesom]

Today was a good day.

Got myself out of bed at 3 pm and went out!

Baby steps...

[sara-awesom]

I moved out, and she moved on.

[sara-awesom]

GOODBYE

I loved you.

Your eyes.

Your voice.

The way you'd sing to me only but be too shy infornt of anyone else

I loved the way you'd look at me

Like you can see right through me, but love it. Admire it.

I loved how you made me feel strong and unbeatable.

Like everything is possible.

I loved your way of thinking how open minded and very very intelligent you were.

I loved you telling me things i never knew before and i never even had to look it up.

I loved how protective you'd be of me, and get worried when I'm sick.

I loved how you made sure i knew how much you loved me.

Making stupid videos with our pictures and a song that only us can relate to.

I loved loving you

I loved proving it over and over again

I loved making even the impossible possible for you.

I loved all the hardships we went through just to be able to live together.

I loved that we built place we could call "home".

I loved every argument and every laugh

Every movie you forced me to watch

And how you'd cover my eyes and hold me when a scary scene comes.

Shopping together..

I loved our stupid late nights just laughing and joking and bullying each other.

I loved watching you make new friends and grow.

I loved how your way of thinking would be changing as the years go by.

I loved everything about you.

I loved the way you smile.

Or roll your eyes

How you'd cringe when i say something cheesy.

I loved you. All of you.

The way you can calm me down and the way my heart beats synced up with yours when im lying on your chest

How you'd literally enhale my smell just to take it all in.

How you'd wake me up at night when you're scared or subconsciously hug me while you're asleep.

I loved waking up every morning to your beautiful face.

I loved picking you Flowers everytime i go for a walk

And i love how you will have so many comments on this correcting my grammer.

I loved when you trusted me blindly, felt safe around me. Would hold my hand all the time.

I loved how they always fit perfectly.

I loved having a reason to live. A place to call home and a tattoo on my arm, to just remind me that I have someone to call mine.

Then one dark night, all that changed. Trust turned to betrayal.

Calmness turned to anxiety

Arguments turned to fights

And "home" was no more.

Unable to breath, something gripping tight on my heart. Doctors said its a heart attack. Meds should keep you going they said.

But it was hope, that we'll make it through, is what kept me going

Made it through all the nights, one at a time.

Each harder than before.

Seeing you with someone else and sleeping in my arms at night.

It was painful.

But i was satisfied.

It meant hope. It meant another chance

It meant just a little more time.

Then came the second chance..

I don't do second chances, its a chance for you to hurt me again. But i was welling to risk it all.

Its YOU after all.

The one i spent my life waiting for.

Knowing you'd love me for better and for worse

Didn't know you'd be that "worse"

I always thought if things didn't work out, it'd be the greatest experience of my life

Never thought I'd ever say the words "i wish I've never met you"

But now i do. And even though it breaks your heart, it still breaks mine too.

Im still used to doing the things i do.

Making sure you're covered well in your sleep.

Tell you you're pretty before you go to work and just pray in my head that whatever almighty power out there would keep you happy and safe.

It goes through steps though. Acceptance is the first. Then comes the real heart break. Seeing you moving on with someone new.

Thinking how is he better than me

Why would you choose him over me and then comes all the insecurities.

You're still the prettiest in my eyes but looking at you hurts me.

You're still the only one who can calm me down, but make my heart feels like a hurricane at the same time.

You're still the only one i wanna go to, for good or bad news, you're still my person. But the one who hurt me the most.

I used to feel safe, handing you my heart, knowing you'd protect it at all cost. But then it suddenly shattered. I cant see blood on your hands though. As if you meant to through it against the wall.

Im still collecting pieces, one at a time, but each piece cuts deeper than the one before.

I think this is the end. How its meant to be. And im done for.

#SaraAwesom

[sara-awesom]

[sara-awesom]

Please tell me i wont regret it

Letting you in again

Tell me please, that you wont break my heart again

Im still trying to put the pieces back together

Im still trying to pull myself together

To remember who i was

Before we even got together

But who am i now?

After everything I've been through.

Why does it feel like a mistake

Why cant i breathe again

Is it really over?

Am i just lying to myself

Are you still playing me

Messing with me

Do you really need me?

Are you still using me?

Why cant i look in the mirror still

Ashamed still

Disgrace and insecurities

Have i lost myself to get you back?

Am i just a shell

Of what i used to be

Of what i pretend to be

They say fake it till you make it

But i became just that

Fake

Faking interests, smiles, laughter

My pictures look genuine

My voice sounds confident

But i cant even look you in the eyes

All i see and all i feel is the pain you have inflected on me.

Will i be over it?

How long would it take?

Would i survive..

Or am i just gonna die tonight

My heart is barely beating

I can barely stop my body from shaking

But I'm ok

Im fine

Everything's okay

One day at a time

Till the end of time.

I'll live in a lie

But I'll make it through

Or at least thats the lie i tell myself before i sleep.

One more time

One last time

I'll be gone soon

I'll be fine soon

I'll be free soon

Free from you

From loving you

From getting hurt by you

Soon..

I'll be at peace.

#SaraAwesom

[sara-awesom]

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

— Unknown

[sara-awesom]

“Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.”

— James Hillman

[sara-awesom]

In my dream i was stuck

Screaming for help

No one could see

That i needed help

I kept begging for it

Felt like i was dying

Then somehow i was saved

Damaged completely

But i was saved

I was no longer a prisoner

I was no longer stuck

And all the damage was fine

As long as i was able to breath

Now im waiting to breath

Taking steps hoping for a release

The damage turned out to be real

I guess im still not free

As i still cant breathe

They say time will heal

Can time produce oxygen

Can it push in

Force me to breath

If i made the right choice why do i feel this way

You said i made you feel shittier, about you breaking my heart and trapping my soul and using my love to you

So you agreed to staying away

And I'll do my best to do so. To stay away.

I guess this time, its actually goodbye

All the promises were broken

And im tired of all of your lies

You're beauty is just a mask.

You're rotten from the inside.

I wish i saw it from the start.

[sara-awesom]

“All the promises were broken

And im tired of all of your lies

You're beauty is just a mask.

You're rotten from the inside.

I wish i saw it from the start.”

#SaraAwesom

[sara-awesom]

“What do i do

With a broken promise made from you

After making me put all my trust in you

But ended up hurting me too

This is what i have left of you

Along with a million memories i have made with you

Looks like there is no getting over you

Im forever stuck. In love with you.”

#SaraAwesom

[sara-awesom]

Seems like a good day to kill myself.

I held you in my arms all night. but i couldn't close my eyes.

Knowing you're no longer mine.

It's raining heavily outside as if the sky is crying the tears that i cant cry.

Trying to convince myself that I'm fine.

Repeating it like a lullaby.

But its still just a lie.

Was it all just a lie? Everything we've been through..

You said you'll always love me.

How come you're not even with me.

Why wasn't i enough? What more could i have done?

I gave you my everything and now im left with nothing.

Emptiness. Numbness. And occasionally madness.

What have i become?

What have you done to me?

I cant love you and i cant hate you and i cant breathe.

Seems like i just need to kill myself.

One last kiss. A long goodbye hug. One bullet to the head.

Finally at peace.

Don't come crying on my grave.

Dont leave me a rose.

Know you did this.

It was your choice.

#SaraAwesom

[sara-awesom]

“The problem with people is they forget that most of the time it’s the small things that count.”

— Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

[sara-awesom]

“There’s still a piece of me that can’t let go of you.”

— Skylar Grey // White Suburban

[sara-awesom]

“At the end of the day if the worst thing someone can say about you is that you love too much, then you are doing nothing wrong.”

— Unknown

[sara-awesom]

“Feelings come and feelings go. There is no need to fear them and no need to crave them. Be open to your feelings and experience them while they are here. Then be open to the feelings that will come next. Your feelings are a part of your experience. Yet no mere feeling, however intense it may seem, is your permanent reality.”

— Ralph Marston

[sara-awesom]

“Things change. You can’t stop them, and you’ll drive yourself crazy if you try.”

— Kailin Gow, Shimmer