sarahspringer28

[sarahspringer28]

It's been a while. Actually, a whole year and 3 months (and a couple days) to be exact. This blog post is so overdue it's frightening. It started brewing months back on my long solo rides, (Yes, I started road cycling!) and now just days before I turn 30, I thought it would be an appropriate time. It's been an eventful year to say the least. And reading my last blog posts, I feel like that's always the case. Haha. Story of my life. But this year for me has been a lot of self-discovery. Ok, so before I get ahead of myself, please note that I still have no idea who I am or what the hell I am doing. I can tell you what I have discovered about myself though. I don't think I could ever say it enough, but seriously, move to a new country. It's the best learning experience of your life. Well for me anyway. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done, but here I am, still happy as a pig in shit. Before I continue to the "nitty gritty", please note that this blog is purely for my selfish needs and what's been going on in my head. It's my freedom of expression and it is not meant to harm or offend anyone. This is purely about how I've been feeling. My problems aren't as big as other peoples at all. I'm grateful that they aren't. But what I'm saying is that we all have our battles, most people just aren't aware of them. I saw a meme the other day that read "look at your strongest friend, they're bleeding inside" and I was like "OMG! Nailed it"! Ok, so bleeding inside is a bit of an exaggeration. But you get the picture? So, I've always had a good ear for listening and people tend to open up to me very easily. Maybe it’s because I open up easily and quickly, I’m not too sure why exactly, but I’ve been like this my whole life. It’s something that I’m proud of. And actually, I think it’s an honour that people feel that they can tell me their problems. But there also comes a point when I need to talk. But, like I said, my problems aren’t problems in the big scheme of things, so I shut up. “I’m good”, “yeah, I’m ok”. Well actually, not really. I care too much, and I end up taking on other people’s problems because I care about them too much. I have a big soft heart (something I thought I didn’t still have until recently, but I’ll get into that later). I’m always wanting the people around me to be happy that I tend to forget about myself. I block it out because how can I be weak when I need to be strong for the people that need me? Blocking things out seems to be my coping mechanism. At the beginning of the year I was at a party and one of my good friends whom, unfortunately I don’t see often enough, looked at me and said “Sarah, what’s up? I can see you’re not ok.” And I was like, “yeah nah, I’m just tired.” A few drinks later and I poured my heart out to her. What struck me the most in this situation was the fact that she could see past my smile and tired laugh and she just knew. For once I felt like I had a shoulder to lean on. For once I felt like someone cared about how I was feeling. I am naturally a happy go lucky person, but we are all human and we can’t all be happy all the time. What most people don’t know is the struggle that I had every single day. Getting up and going to work was the biggest struggle. I made it not be a struggle though, my blocking out mechanism and all. Like seriously, the people got me through. That was the ONLY reason I could get my ass to work every day. The thought of seeing my favourite people and all the banter. All my “fat chats” on the driveway and all the office antics. Anyone that would give me shit and make me laugh. I only realised how much I had blocked out the fact that I hated my job so much, one-night driving home after a BBQ at a mate’s place. I was a bit drunk and I ended up crying the whole way home after a “discussion” in the car with my husband. My husband and I have a thing where we will never have an argument or disagreement when we are around other people. We will wait until we are alone to “sort our shit out” because nobody likes it when couples fight and it’s awkward AF. I was having a conversation with someone and I said something along the lines of “we all have our struggles” and he turned around, butted in, and told me that I don’t have any. YOH BOET! He was about to get it HARD!!!!! I gave him the dirtiest look ever and walked away. So back to the car, I broke down crying hysterically, telling him that he has no idea how unhappy I am and how it is struggle for me Every. Single. Day. to get up with a smile on my face and go to work. I had blocked it out to the point that he didn’t even realise the battle I was fighting every day. Apparently, I’m really good at this “blocking out my feelings” thing so that I can get through every day. I had blocked out so much that I was starting to think that I had become such a heartless bitch that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Until I met someone whose actions made me realise that I’m actually not a heartless bitch. I’ve recently developed a zero tolerance for bitchiness and talking badly about people behind their backs unnecessarily. I’m talking about speaking badly about people you don’t even know and passing harsh judgement. I’m sorry, but I will not stand for that level of judgement. I know that people judge me every single day. If only they knew that I judge myself harder than anyone else and I’m my worst critic. Seriously, you don’t need to point out my flaws, I’ll point them out to you. And I do. I’ll tell you my flaws and why I’m not perfect before you’ve even thought it, so don’t waste your precious time. It’s not worth it. And I’m sure you have more important things to do with your time, and if not, find something. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from my limited life experiences, it’s that everyone is fighting battles that you don’t even know about, so be kind. I had a woman literally come and shit me out unnecessarily on the day my aunty had died. I had made the choice to harden up and go to work and be strong and that bitch broke me. She had no idea obviously, but I had made the tough decision to not cancel her nail appointment and inconvenience her life and I ended up a mess. If she knew would she have done things differently? Probably not. I don’t really care. I’m over it and now have zero respect for her. The scary thing that you realise as you get older is that people are selfish. I’m not saying that I’m not selfish. Damn, I think I’m becoming more selfish finally. Selfish in a way to make me happy. I’ve been begged to take my old job back, but I’m not stupid. I’m wanted back for their selfish reasons, it’s not for my happiness, and at the end of the day I need to be happy. So, this year, like I’ve said it’s been very eventful. I’ve taken a step back and looked at the big picture and I’m starting to do things that make me happy. I’ve finally started dancing again!!!! I will NEVER miss a Tuesday night class because it makes my soul happy. Like, I’m still smiling the next day happy. Happiness comes from within, and we need to feed it with what makes us happy. Only the people closest to me will know how shy and insecure I am. You’ll probably look at my bikini photos and be like “yeah right”, but I’m still the same little Sarah from a small town with all her shyness and insecurities. I haven’t changed. Yes, I’m bubbly, outgoing etc, but if you really know me, you will know my soft core. The hardest part is when the people who are closest to you judge you the hardest and pass shitty comments. I am strong, but I am fragile. Have a heart. Don’t kill my vibe. I’m trying so hard to build myself up and be genuinely happy, which in turn, will benefit you. I love and care hard. Really hard. If you’re my mate, and I feel that it’s a two-way street, I will do anything for you. I’m a loyal bitch and I don’t give up. I give people so many chances, and sometimes I’m too understanding. Often to my own detriment. I end up getting hurt because I feel that I care more for people than they care for me. The night I resigned from my job I came home to an empty house. The night of my farewell, only one of my closest friends was there. Again, in the big scheme of things it’s nothing, and people have their own things going on. My point is that we can’t rely on other people to make us happy, because they will let us down. It’s hard though. And I’m a softy. Deep down all we really want is to be wanted and to feel appreciated. Sometimes that’s really hard to find. So, to wrap this all up, I realise that I got really deep. Oops. But there’s nothing better than a glass of wine and a deep and meaningful conversation. Or in my case, a beer and a blog post. Haha! We all live trying to keep everyone else happy or being “what we should be”. I call bullshit. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy. But most importantly, don’t let anyone dull your sparkle! Bring on the “dirty thirties”! I’m even more ready to stop caring about what people think. XO #saffachicklostinbrisbane

[sarahspringer28]

Loving my Dahlia set by @karma_bikinis 👙 Use my promo code sarahs15xx for 15%OFF! #karmabikinis #wearlessdomore 📷 @cassbenn9 (at Brisbane, Queensland, Australia)

[sarahspringer28]

Loving my Dahlia set by @karma_bikinis 👙 Use my promo code sarahs15xx for 15%OFF! #karmabikinis #wearlessdomore 📷 @cassbenn9 (at Brisbane, Queensland, Australia)

[sarahspringer28]

Brisbane you can have my babies! 😍😍😍 #riverfire #brisbane #brisbanecitycouncil #storybridge #brisvegas #ilovethiscity (at Riparian Plaza)

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[sarahspringer28]

9 months!

Hello again. It's been a while. Life has run away with me a bit and I decided that it's time to take a moment to sit back and reflect on how things are going and how things have changed. So a lot has happened since my last blog post. To be honest, I probably can't even remember all the things that have happened. But I do know this, I'm feeling proud. Ok, so let's rewind a bit. My inlaws came to visit for 3 weeks in July and it was completely not what I expected. I was expecting them leaving to be the most difficult thing ever. I was expecting the worst. I was preparing for another downward spiral of “why”, “will this get easier”, “when will the pain stop”. The exact opposite happened. I'm feeling SO much more settled and it's the strangest thing. Maybe it's the fact that some relationships will never change, no matter the distance. Maybe that's the comforting part. The fact that we've been so uncomfortable for so long that to have the slightest bit of comfort just makes everything better. It's been a turning point and it came at the right time. I've had a massive turnaround in my life. A serious light bulb moment. I had an appointment with a chiropractor the one day and it had been a really tough day for me. And I mean really tough. I think he knew. He spoke so much and I don't actually know what he did to me, but I left feeling like a new person, not only for the fact that I felt like I could walk properly again. I felt a serious release and I decided to let go. I sat on the ferry on the way home deep in thought about my life situation and how stressed I was and how I was fighting so hard inside and I just decided to let go. This a big thing. If you know me well enough, you'll know my struggle with anxiety and stress and how it seriously got the better of me, so you'll know that this “letting go” isn't something that comes naturally to me. I decided from that moment to stop fighting work and life and all it's difficulties and just let it be. Like seriously. Work is work. We all do it. We all have to. Why should it control me? Why should I feel that my life is less important than work and that I'm less important? No. I refuse. I'm more than that. It won't dull my sparkle. Not now, not ever. I've always been a happy person and I'm not going to change. Positive attitude! Always. Seriously. So how am I actually feeling? Apparently I haven't been very good at recognising how I've been feeling because it's all been a blur of fight for survival. Ok, that's a bit extreme. But blurred is definitely the word I would use. These last few days I've been looking back and I'm so damn proud of myself for what I have achieved in these last 9 months. I still sometimes pinch myself to realise that I'm living in Australia and I actually have a life here. A life that I'm excited about and it's so exciting that right now you can't wipe the smile off my face. I may not have all my dreams accomplished yet, but I can tell you now that 9 months ago I was crying the whole day because I was so damn scared and I didn't think that I'd be able to do this. I've proven to myself over and over again that I am capable and that you really can do anything, you just have to want it enough. I'm as happy as a pig in shit right now and I've got so many big things to look forward to. The blood, sweat and tears have been worth it. I've never felt more alive in my life and this is a good thing. I'm living more in the moment and I've stopped worrying so much about tomorrow. When things get a bit chaotic I still have to remind myself to “be still”I have a tendency to want to say yes to everything because I have a bit of fomo, but I know who and what's important to me and I keep learning. I've made so many mistakes and I've got a lot more that I'll make, but if we don't make mistakes will we ever learn? Will we ever have stories to tell? Will we have regrets? So on that note, I'm going to take my little moment of feeling proud and enjoy it while it lasts. Life's too short not to. Sarah Xoxo P.S. This saffa chick is a little bit less lost.

[sarahspringer28]

The rooftop never disappoints! #rooftop #viewsofbrisbane #brisbane #sunset #brisbanecitycouncil #toowong #nofilter (at Toowong, Queensland, Australia)

[sarahspringer28]

Working on a public holiday 😢😢 #whereidratherbe #casuarina #sunrise #vitaminsea #newsouthwalesaustralia #beach #goprohero5black

[sarahspringer28]

Eastern most point of Australia. #byronbaylighthouse #byronbay (at Byron Bay Lighthouse)

[sarahspringer28]

Big city lights! 😍😍😍 #brisbane #citylights #brisvegas #viewsofbrisbane #brisbaneanyday #brisbaneriver #brisbanecitycouncil (at Victoria Bridge, Brisbane)

[sarahspringer28]

6 months!!!!!!!!!

Wait what!?! Yes. 6 months. I mentioned in my last blog how it feels so much longer, but in some instances it doesn't feel long at all. Honestly, it feels longer than 6 months. We've been through so much in the last 6 months I'm actually surprised I'm still alive. Literally. So an update...I did actually think I was dying a few weeks ago. I went into the ER with very bad chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack. I'm fine though, in case you were worried. I think it was all stress related, which makes too much sense it frightens me and my co-workers. I won't get into the nity gritty, because work shouldn't get so much credit. All I can say is that I have AMAZING colleagues and it's so good to know that they've got my back! So as it turns out, the "work" thing is completely normal for 90% of people that move country. Nobody really admits this though obviously, but apparently it's quite the norm for your first job to turn out to be a bit of a disaster. For two reasons mainly...Firstly, desperation. You're DYING (pun intended) to get a job because you need to get into the job market, you need money, you need a local reference, and a million other reasons. You're so desperate to that you take anything that seems ok. You'll be fine. You'll survive. (Pun intended. Again.) Secondly, you've just gone through one of THE BIGGEST life changes EVER! But you don't even think too much of it because it's the new norm. I don't think any of us actually really take a step back and think about what we've just done, because you're so busy trying to survive and you have to make life work. Survival of the fittest and all that. So for most of us, our first job is terrible. Absolutely terrible. I'm talking about crying everyday after work because you're so unhappy. And wishing yourself ill just so that you don't have to go to work. Like I said, this has happened to almost all of my friends. And now it's happened to my husband and myself. Our reasons are more than just the 2 reasons I just mentioned, but again, I'm not getting into that. On the bright side, this can be fixed. And it will be fixed soon (fingers crossed). We're not trees, we can move. Life is getting a bit easier. We have a doctor, one that we actually like. And normal day to day stuff is becoming more normal. I'm already taking first world things for granted. I still love this place. I'm grateful for the fact that I'm able to realise that work is the issue, not the place. And I won't let one or two bad people ruin it for me. They don't deserve that kind of attention. I'm not saying this is easy. It's not. The other day I drove past a sign board that said "A mother's hug lasts forever" and I burst into tears. I miss my family so much. Nothing will ever change that. Technology is amazing though and I speak to my family every single day and it gets me through. I'm sitting here just thinking about how much my life has changed and I sometimes still wonder if I'm still the same person, just because of how much I've changed and grown. This isn't a bad thing. It's just different and new. It's also probably just "growing up" and experiencing life and what it has to offer. I've never felt so alive in my life! I've never had so many highs and lows in such a small space of time. I've already forgotten how difficult my first trip to the grocery store was, and I have my favourite brands of peanut butter. Peanut butter is clearly a big part of my life. Haha. The purpose of this post was not to be depressed and unhappy, but rather a realisation that this is normal and it's expected. My doctor refused to give me any medication to help me deal with the stress, because he told me that I'm normal, and he would be concerned if I didn't feel the way I've been feeling. Like I said, I like him. I'm in very high spirits today, probably because it's Friday and I'm not working tomorrow. I have also just ripped my pants COMPLETELY and I had to go to Kmart across the road to buy a new pair so that I could actually deal with customers. Sometimes life has a funny way of saying "hey! You can't control everything". The solution to this? Laugh! And laugh alot! Happy Friday! I'll definitely drink to that! Xo

[sarahspringer28]

My favourite place! ❤️ #fitnessfirst #spinning #truelove (at Fitness First Toowong)

[sarahspringer28]

Good morning sunshine! #viewsofbrisbane #brisbaneriver #toowong #brisbane #brisbanecitycouncil (at Regatta ferry wharf)

[sarahspringer28]

Rooftop view ❤️❤️❤️ #toowong #brisbaneriver #viewsofbrisbane #brisbaneanyday #rooftop (at Toowong, Queensland, Australia)

[sarahspringer28]

Chameleon with a big heart.

In 2 days we’ve been living in Australia for 5 months. It feels a lot longer, but at the same time not long at all. It’s weird. I’ve come so far and learnt so much, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I’m hungry to learn more, but I’ve learnt to be patient with this.

I’m starting to feel like I’ve “landed”. This is probably because I’ve started working and my life isn’t so “up in the air” anymore. This is a good feeling. Actually, it’s fantastic. I’m being stimulated more than I’ve ever been before. It’s exciting and challenging, but I’m enjoying it. I’ve learnt so much about myself and I keep learning. I’m quite an interesting book to read. I’m a lot more than I ever thought I was. It’s an exciting journey of self discovery.

Moving country has removed every bit of confidence that I thought I had. Everything. Absolutely everything. You can’t grasp it unless you’ve done it. You’ll think that you have, but you haven’t really. You start to doubt yourself with everything. And the truth is that you kind of have to. You don’t actually know where the hell you are going or which bread to buy. Yes, it can be the stupidest thing, but you’ll still doubt yourself. You’ll probably also cry about this a lot. It’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal but it is. This is why it’s so important to have friends that have been through the same thing. They get you. And they are proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Where does the chameleon with a big heart come from? Well…this is part of my self discovery. I’ve always liked to think of myself as being non judgemental. I still stand by this and here’s a bit of an example of why. Besides the fact that my job for the last 9 years revolved around building relationships with people from all different walks of life, I also think that growing up in South Africa taught me a lot about not judging people by the colour of their skin. This is a good thing, and I’m very grateful to have grown up in those circumstances. I think it makes you a better person. (I may be speaking for myself here, but this blog is about me, not the vast majority of the population.) So, I work with people that are very different to me. Their differences aren’t important though because I connect with them. And they are awesome. Really awesome. But they are different. So this is where the “chameleon” comes in. I’ve realised that I adapt to my surroundings pretty easily. Especially when it comes to people. I like to understand people. I like to understand why they do things and I try to relate with them. Apparently I’m pretty good at this. But I suppose this can be seen as a bad thing as well. It can be bad in the sense that I could lose my identity. Just fade into my surrounds and be influenced by the people around me. If you know me well enough, you’d know that I’m not like that at all. Just because I can have an open conversation with people and accept them for who they are doesn’t mean that I necessarily agree with them. I’m not scared to give my opinion, but I tend to keep it quiet until I’m asked. If you’re wise you probably won’t ask me because I don’t hide my feelings very easily. Sara(with a)H doesn’t have a poker face. Not at all. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m also the first to point out my own flaws. I do this a lot at work. I’m open to discussion. If you want to talk about me, talk to my face. I know I’m not perfect and I’ll tell you that before you even think it. And I’ll probably make a joke about how terrible I am. I think this has made work a better place for me. I walked in with no confidence, but I made sure I didn’t lose my personality. I was open from day one and I’ll continue to be. If I want to crack a joke, I’ll do it. I don’t care if no one laughs, if it makes me laugh its good enough. One of my colleagues thought he could catch me out and find my “inner bitch”, and then realised that I am a nice person. I think he was disappointed, but he saw the true me. He has seen the inner bitch by the way, but I think he thought that I wasn’t genuine at first. Well now he knows. One thing I can say is that I have been 100% true to myself. I have never faked anything except my confidence. I probably shot myself in the foot with lots of interviews by not talking myself up enough, but I didn’t want to live a lie and then have to deal with the consequences of being stuck in a job where I feel like I’m completely out of my depth.  

 I often get asked how things are going. The truth is it’s a rollercoaster. The highs are really high and the lows are so low you think that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. A few weeks back the low was terrible. I spent the whole day crying the one day. It was the first time I really felt like I needed to walk out. Walk out of what exactly, I’m still not sure. I just wanted out. Out of the situation, out of life, out of this dark tunnel that seemed to have no end. And the guess what…we made it through. There is light! A WHOLE LOT OF LIGHT!!!!! Right now it’s so bright polarised lenses need polarised lenses. That’s how it goes. I’m starting to bump into people that I know! Like what the actual!?! It’s amazing. I feel like I’m slowly getting my life back on track. For now anyway. ;)

 Xxx

#saffachicklostinbrisbane #sara(witha)h

[sarahspringer28]

A quick bit of "me" time... 💕 #rooftoppool #tanning #chill #brisbaneanyday #viewsofbrisbane (at Toowong, Queensland, Australia)

[sarahspringer28]

Sometimes you have to stop and stare... #kurilpabridge #brisvegas #viewsofbrisbane #brisbaneriver #brisbaneanyday (at Brisbane, Queensland, Australia)