saudade-asylum

[saudade-asylum]

feels like there’s mushrooms growing out of my brain and moss growing inbetween my ribs

[saudade-asylum]

seeing as how quarantine is about to end for me (i’m moving back to london for uni on october 3rd) i figured i’d make a bullet list of all the things i’ve done/learnt these past 6 months :)

——its gonna get dark kids——

• i put a brown box dye on my head and i have not been a brunette since 2014. thats 6 years. i hate it but i also like it????

• my depression is a lot worse than i thought :) and i think i may have something else along side that and i am in desperate need of therapy :))))

• if i don’t have false nails on i will immediately bite my nails down to nubs and when i run out of nail i will progress to the skin around my nail bed and further. there is no stopping it. i have begun to like the taste of the stuff that’s meant to make you hate biting your nails

• put on a stone but have lied to everyone and said i have not but my proportions have just shifted??? don’t know why everyone fell for that but hey ho

• my grandmother was into incest :) there is a chance my mum was born via incest :))))) i hate it here

• i started cutting

• i tried monster for the first time (ultra blue) and i really like it

• i don’t deserve friends and so when a minor argument started i decided to use that to cut them all off because i’m a horrible person and i really think they can do better than me but i really miss every friend i’ve ever had so i’ve been stalking instagrams like crazy

• turned 20 and immediately had a minor breakdown and promptly put all my money and effort into kidcore alt fashion

• i cannot have a single conversation about politics with my parents lest we have a horrible argument and i get my feelings hurt via their racist and homophobic comments that they will immediately brush off

• i’m a lesbian, i’ve identified as lit rally every label i could before i figured it out. even labelling myself as a trans guy and ace through a super cheeky combination of compulsory heteronormativity and not understanding what a real friendship is due to all my toxic ass ex friends and thinking every boy crush was a crush when i just wanted to hang out with them. rip (ace people are still cool though and i love them all they’re like the family of your ex gf who you still love and hang out with)

• i tried the pink monster and it’s fucking RANK

• i spent over £2000 (my student loan) this lockdown on useless mindless shit of which includes colouring books i haven’t used, a mini fridge, a shit ton of earrings, a shit ton of takeaways, every sims expansion pack, and several plush animals

• told my parents that i’d spent over £2000 and started sobbing so now they seem to be taking the mental health thing a bit more seriously and have agreed to let me go see my mates in london and pay for it which is actually nice :)

• my mate had to cancel and none of my other mates wanted to see me / weren’t in the area the one day i was down so instead i walked around for so long that both of my heels burst open

• i have left my hair brown the whole lockdown but now i’m going back to art uni in london and now im thinking i need to dye it something cool or no one will be able to tell i’m a) gay b) actually arty or they’ll just think i’m a background character and no one will talk to me

• since my last bullet point about weight i have gained another 1/2 stone and am now 17 stone. i have 47 days till i go back to uni and i’m not really sure what to do. i think if i could get back to my initial weight of 15 stone before i go back i’d be ecstatic but i’m not sure how realistic that is? i’ve done diets in the past that have let me lose a stone but not sure how to do it now cause i’m veggie??

• it’s my fault my mums in pain because if i wasn’t greedy and going to uni then they’d have the money to pay for my mums knee replacement and she’d be able to get a better job and make friends in a non toxic work environment

• the only reason my parents aren’t getting a divorce is because it’s too expensive - according to my mum

• i’ve given up on the whole losing weight thing because i’m honestly too fucking sad to stop using food to fill any disappointment in myself. it’s actually incredibly difficult to stop eating

• since saying i was giving up on dieting i’ve actually ended up eating less??? not sure what my brains doing up there but hey ho i’m liking the development

• started crying when a minecraft streamer said i was smart for a suggestion i made (wasn’t even minecraft related)

[saudade-asylum]

basically men are dumb

i’ve just thought of all the things i’d have to hide from him

[saudade-asylum]

fucked around and boy did i find out

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i’ve just thought of all the things i’d have to hide from him

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so there’s this guy, and there’s never ever been a guy - a genuine person that i like who also likes me. it’s just never happened and I’m 22, it’s so new and i don’t know what I’m doing and I’m freaking out.

i met him at work. so already I’m sort of undecided on him - i don’t trust that the person i am at work is my actual self. i just dont. I’m bubbly loud and sort of a bitch. but not in my usual bitchy way. and he met this me, not the me outside of work that… well i wanted to list a bunch of things here that i care about but i just don’t have anything do i. not anymore. i don’t care about the environment or art or any of the things i used to care about anymore. maybe that’s why i struggle with this whole guy thing?

like whenever I’m with him at work i have fun and we flirt and talk, i’ve even gone back to his and we just cuddled on his bed and god i can’t write that without feeling incredibly embarrassed and that’s not normal is it. when I’m home and I’m not with him i just don’t care. i want nothing to do with him. i don’t want to bring him home or have him come to helena’s as my boyfriend. but i do when I’m with him?

codie thinks I’m splitting on him.

mo thinks he’s manipulating me into being his manic pixie dream girl.

and i think I’m ruining his life.

i think codie is probably right, and truly i wish mo was right so i could just write it all off - but unfortunately this is my mess. i do agree i need to stop thinking I’m important enough to ruin his life though

i just don’t know what I’m doing and everyone that knows him at work is encouraging me to get with him but everyone of my friends is saying the opposite - it’s like these two personas i’ve crafted are not able to coexist in this body, so instead we’re just arguing whilst trying to delay the inevitable

[saudade-asylum]

days off when you don’t have work < days off when you phone in sick

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now they’re moving out in february

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they got ‘married’ and now he’s planning on moving in with her after next year. i don’t think i can handle this

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lmao got sent home from work early cause we were so over staffed and just realised i forgot to put perfume on this morning - first thing my brain says? what if they sent you home because you smelt like piss? man depression is funny sometimes

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I’m beginning to wonder if the cure for bad mental health is just gaslighting yourself into thinking you’ve had a good life

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was watching the new stranger things season, and all i could think about was if my ex-best friend was watching because she loves jamie campbell bower and i know she’d be losing her mind at getting to see him in stranger things

[saudade-asylum]

so i always have a food item that i want to eat 24/7, and last year it was these packet ramen noodles that were really good because hello it’s cheap and cheerful!?? but this year, it’s been subway sandwiches 😭 like tuna cheese and mayo and it costs £9 like whyyyyyy, it’s so good and nice but why is it so expensive and why did my brain have to pick that 😭😭

[saudade-asylum]

so my best friend. my ‘sister’. is now dating the guy that i like, that our friend also likes - we’ve both liked him for over a year and she’s gotten with him but it wasn’t uhhhhh the most consensual? (he wants to move past it and br friends so that’s his choice) and my bestie has just gone and fallen in love with him 😭😭 they’re really pda in front of me and like that shit makes me uncomfortable anyway but seeing them be all lovey dovey and shit is the actual fucking worst

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they’re dating

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she had sex with him

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and now the people who i describe as ‘my two favourite lesbians’ have unfollowed me. we hung out in the first lockdown. less than 2 years ago. one of them told me their plans to propose to the other. and now their just gone? that friendship no longer exists? i can’t just text them and say hey it’s been forever we should hang. i can’t ever ask if they finally asked. i’m just so lost as to why this happens and maybe it’s because i’m high but like this is hitting my so hard and i don’t understand why

so decided to sort through who i’m following on instagram and just decided to sort from earliest followed and just unfollow everyone that’s also unfollowed me. simple right? well, boy was i NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR SOME OF MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE IN MY MEMORIES AND LIFE TO HAVE UNFOLLOWED ME