schnitzel-bob

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 209

"And the winner for most handsome and best smelling film critic is... Vince Mancini!"

Vince looked around, uncertain how he'd got here but surrounded by smiles, well wishes, and jealousy. He stood as strangers clapped him on the shoulders and shook his hand. When he looked uncertain an usher gently directed him to the stage.

He strode up and approached the announcer, who he now realized was Warren Beatty. This caused him to slow down, and the lights seemed to dim. As he continued to approach, time seemed to go in slow-motion while Beatty reached below his own neck, peeling off a mask to reveal Matt Lieb in blackface.

"KEEP MAH WAIFFFFFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!" Matt shouted, rearing back for a monumental slap.

Before he could, Laremy emerged from Matt's chest, leaned to the mic and whispered "the real winner was actually Raspberry Beret from that San Francisco paper. Syke!"

Vince started awake, shouting. His wife rolled over sleepily. "That same dream again?"

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Episode 208

This went against all Vince's instincts. He hated talking to strangers, and taking to strangers about his problems was even worse. But his doctor had recommended it, and his wife had insisted, so, with immense resistance, he trod into the Bells Palsy support group.

He took a seat in the back, as far from anyone else as possible. Gradually others filed in. Eventually someone rushed in clumsily and all but ran to the front of the room. "Sorry I'm late!"

That voice...

"Vince?" Laremy asked, from the front. Vince slunk down in his chair but there was nothing for it. "Vince! Hey buddy! You got the old lop-sided grin now too, huh? Funny old world!"

Vince got up to leave, but as he did he noticed a strange-looking man in the next row or chairs. The eczema on his elbows was unmistakable. Vince leaned over, and in one movement ripped off the man's fedora and groucho glasses.

"Matt? You don't have Bells Palsy. What?"

Matt stood up and shouted "oh what, you and Laremy are the only ones who get to do cool things? I can handle things, I'm smart! Not like everybody says!"

Vince put his palm on his forehead and sat heavily on the folding chair. "Fuck it. Whatever. Let's get on with it. My name is Vince M. and I have Bells Palsy."

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Episode 207

By any account, it had been a bad day. Vince had tripped going out the door and banged his shin, missed his bus, run into a fence chasing it, then failed his history exam.

Now here he sat, on the wrong side of the 805 with two flat tires, a result of an ill-timed wheelie into some brambles.

He sat there glumly, having not quite determined his next step when a red camaro pulled up. The driver rolled his window down. He had slicked down brown hair, big aviator sunglasses, and swoll arms.

"Vincent, right? We're in Psych 101 together. I really liked your joke about Freud wanting to fuck the professor's mom. You need a ride?"

Vince gratefully accepted. When he went to grab his old bike, his benefactor raised an eyebrow and said "Eh... the paint."

Vince understood and left the bike. As he sat in the passenger seat the other man offered a firm handshake. "Ben."

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Episode 206

"Godzilla has a long dick"

Brendan raised an eyebrow at the unexpected non-sequitur, put down his copy of Sports Illustrated and looked over where Vince was hunched over a laptop. "Say what?"

"Long dick." Vince replied, distracted. "That's how he can reach the A hole even though his crotch would be too low."

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Episode 205

As Matt approached the Uproxx offices, he expected to feel vicarious anxiety. It had happened ever since Vince was forced out. He wished his route didn't take him past the building every day.

What he didn't expect was seeing Vince protesting outside the offices, holding a sign declaring "FUCK THESE CLOWNS! CHAD UPROXX: HORSE COCK"

Again beset by second hand anxiety, Matt would have slunk away entirely had Vince not spotted him.

"MATT!" he called, "come support the cause! You like my sign?"

Matt hesitated, obviously struggling. "What?" Vince probed.

"I... well, do you think maybe your sign... like... makes people think Chad Uproxx has a huge cock?"

Vince scoffed. "What? No. That's stupid. Only you think that."

At that moment Laremy strolled up, hot-dog in hand, and lifted his flip-up shades to read Vince's sign.

"So this Chad Uproxx has a horse cock, huh? Sounds like a guy to know!" He waved goodbye, jaunting along with his day.

Matt watched Vince's face turn a concerning shade of red before he wordlessly turned and stalked away. From the alley, Matt heard the sound of garbage being forcefully moved and Vince bellowing "god DAMMIT! LAREMY!"

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Episode 204

"You don't like camp, Vince."

"What? That's ridiculous. I got my first handjob at camp!" Vince responded, then, more quietly added "it was a bad time."

Brendan sighed. He knew the handjob story already and was in no hurry to hear it again.

"No, like things that are campy. You have no tolerance for them. That's why you've always hated murder mysteries. Remember in 10th grade you wrote that book report where you called Hercule Poirot an unbelievable, affected Walloon fuckface?"

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Episode 203

"So?" Vince stared at Matt across the café table. Matt had just finished reading the draft post and was squirming in his chair.

Vince recognized the squirm. "Dude, do you have a boner right now??"

"What! A man can't read the words 'cheeky yet impenetrable' and get a boner? Oh let's all celebrate Vince, king of not getting boners!"

Used to this dynamic, the café staff ignored the pair.

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Episode 202

Vince stared at the pigeon again, daydreaming. He heard vague shouting from outside, a common occurrence in the Tenderloin.

A phrase was being repeated, though he couldn't tell what. Curious, he opened the window.

"... eat your... right... son"

Still not quite making it out, he leaned out the window and looked around. An old man, a caricature of a 30s hobo, was standing across the street, very deliberately yelling to Vince.

"I'll eat your mushroom right out of prison! Ah he he he he heeee!"

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Episode 201

Vince stared out the window at a club-footed pigeon on the sill. He watched as it aimlessly bobbed up and down, preened and cooed at nothing. It flew away for a moment and returned with a small piece of hot-dog bun.

He rubbed his forehead and brushed away a strand of curly hair. "I need to book a haircut."

He then lunged at his own crotch, attempting Marilyn Manson-esque contortions he knew would be fruitless.

He sighed. Oh well. Maybe some day.

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Episode 200

Two preteens shuffled their way slowly through a school yard. "Vince," one whined, "Do we have to only move by jumping and doing 'suck it' hands? It's going to take forever!"

"Shut up, Matt! This way the girls will think we're badass."

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Episode 199

Hitting "post" triumphantly, Vince wiped the sweat from his brow with a hairy arm, then leaned back in his chair and exhaled.  In spite of it all, this was fun.  No editors on his jock, no having to kowtow to Chad Uproxx and his crew of dockers-sporting coifs.  Just freedom to rip it.    

His stomach rumbled.  There was a hotdog stand down the street, but... Vince pulled out his wallet and opened it to reveal nothing.  Realizing he hadn't carried cash in three years, he pulled out his credit card.  It had been covered in duct tape with a frowny face and two cartoon flies drawn on it.

His stomach growled more insistently.  "I wonder..." he muttered to himself, before getting up and beginning to paw through old desk drawers.  In one he found what appeared to be a used silicone butt that had been stored in a tupperware container.  Some moisture and residual biological products had generated a thriving micro-ecosystem.  Fascinated but still hungry, he filed the container away for another day.  

Finally, he stumbled on a loose floorboard and looked down, next to what had been a writer's desk.  Kneeling down, he pried it loose and found an entire box of Lärabars, on which was stuck a sticky note indicating "THESE ARE THE OFFICIAL BAR OF LAREMY.  FUCK OFF MATT."      

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Episode 198

An old warehouse buried in San Francisco had not had a visitor in many years. On one particular floor, the open floor plan was strewn with a smattering of desks, one enclosed office, and detritus that told the tale of what had once been.

Half finished stories lingered on desks, covered by a thick layer of dust. "Interview with Joe Hahn, Part 2," announced one headline with no story beneath it. A feature profile on Stephan Jenkins from Third Eye Blind. Carved into a desk were the words "Burnsy Rulez." This had once been a newsroom, of sorts.

The door creaked open, and a man with a blank look in his eyes wandered in. He adjusted his groin absent-mindedly while wandering around, picking up pieces of paper with no rhyme or reason.

Finally, he made his way to the only office and sat down heavily in the old office chair. He coughed in the dust that had been stirred and looked at the wall, to the old photo of Matt Ufford, grinning and giving a thumbs up.

He heard Ufford's voice in his head. "You did it once. You can do it again." Vince nodded. Time to get to work.

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Episode 197

The first time someone had explained what a linen shirt was to Vince, he'd been in college and had laughed at the concept and balked at the expense.  "Just sweat through your shirt, bro, no one cares," he'd brashly declared.  Now, 15 years later, he was thinking he perhaps should have revisited that judgement in the interim.  He hoped to god there was air conditioning in the restaurant, because the wait outside had him sweating like a Ukrainian farmer.  

As he neared the entrance, he spotted Joe, Laremy, and Matt strolling on the other side of street.  Vince immediately turned his head away to avoid being seen.  It didn't work.  "HEY VINCE!"  Laremy called, waving frantically.  Vince darted his way inside without turning around.

Vince was placed in a seat facing the window, and could see his three friends crossing the street.  They first tried to come in but were denied entry.  They then resorted to waving, pointing, and banging on the window.  All the while Vince slunk down in his seat, hoping desperately the other diners wouldn't notice he was the object of the attention.  Eventually, security shooed Matt, Laremy and Joe away.

Hours passed, during which Vince got drunker and fuller.  At the end of the night, Tom Colicchio stood up and spoke, thanking the attendees.  He strolled down from the dais, only to be violently thrown as Laremy's 1979 Chevy Malibu hurled through the street-level windows with Joe at the wheel.

From: https://uproxx.com/life/top-chef-restaurant-wars/

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Episode 196

Steve was standing next to the waffle iron, chatting amicably with Zach, who had come over for breakfast.  The window was open, letting in a nice spring breeze, when, unexpectedly, the open window attracted Vince's big dumb head.  His curly hair was unkempt, as usual, as though he was cosplaying as Steve Brule.  

"Watcha making there, Steve, waffles?"  Vince asked, stupidly.

"Uh, yeah..." Steve began, unsurprised by the sudden intrusion.  Vince sticking his head in the window was a regular occurrence in the Bramucci household.

"At least there not pancakes.  Man I hate pancakes.  Their a dumb food for babies."  Vince not so much spoke as he farted words through his mouth.  

"Alright then, Vince."  Steve gently pushed the head out the window and closed it.

From: https://uproxx.com/life/best-diner-recipes/

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Episode 195

Joe and Laremy strolled down the street from their most recent outing to Dave and Busters.  Joe heard a voice calling his name and turned to see Matt Lieb across the street.  Matt rushed across, nearly getting run over by a dude on an electric scooter.

"What's up, dude?"  Laremy asked.  "Still working for Vin de Boner?"

"Nah, I..."  Matt paused, considering whether to correct him.  "It's a long story.  Anyway, did you hear about Vince?"

Laremy shook his head.  Joe was spaced out, staring into the middle distance and not responding.

"He got engaged to that lady he's been dating!"

Joe snapped back to reality.  "Wait, Vince got engaged?  I thought he was already married to... uh... what's it..." He paused in contemplation. Matt waited, expectantly.

Joe snapped his fingers:  "Oh yeah, I remember.  Your mom!"  He high-fived Laremy, then they started jigging in a circle around Matt.

From: https://uproxx.com/life/northern-territory-crocodile-tour-engagement/

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Episode 194

Matt cleared his throat, returning Vince's attention to the screen.

"Do you think..." Matt began, "Do you think it's really necessary for me to add "written by Matt Lieb"?"

Vince made a face.  "Well yeah.  You've got stinky fingers and stinky writing.  Probably on account of having your fingers in your butt so much.  I don't want people thinking *I* wrote this.  I'm a Master of Fine Arts for Christ's sake."

Matt nodded glumly.  "Ok.

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/sopranos-podcast-pod-yourself-a-gun-208/

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Episode 193

Arianna ran her hand through her hair.  Orientation for new Top Chef classes was always fun, but it made for a long day.  All the new contestants were looking variously tired, bored, or both.

"Alright, now, we've covered most of the logistics.  But there's one thing I need to mention before I let you go."

She gesture to the screen, which bore a picture of a man in his mid 30s.  Along with a dumb grin, he had short, curly brown hair and an oddly auburn beard.  He wore the plaid-button-up and jeans combo that was typical of white men his age, which didn't hide an obviously muscular build.  The more observant contestants could tell from the picture that this was a man with long balls and a fissured anus.  

Arianna continued.  

"This is Vince Mancini.  You need to know who he is, because soon enough he's going to know who you are, and you're not going to like it.  You might think you're immune to trolls, that you know how to ignore commenters.  I promise, you've never dealt with one like this.  He will be cruel.  He will get under your skin.  He'll make fun of your mom for some reason."

Another man joined her in front of the contestants.  

"This is Steve.  When you feel like you can't handle Mancini's belittlement anymore, when you're ready to crack, you can talk to him.  We've hired him as a special consultant this season because it's been a consistent issue the last few years. We don't know why Mancini is how he is, but we've learned we just have to deal with it."

From:https://uproxx.com/life/best-meatball-sandwich-recipe/