scottielambchop

[scottielambchop]

Pitch Please: Pt. 1

The game is simple. I reach out to my friends and ask them to give me a product and a demographic. I take 30 minutes to research the product and demographic and come up with an overlaying concept. I then flesh out each concept into a full campaign.

Here goes:

Head and Shoulders for Goths

Hide the Light - When you’re a goth, your image is everything. You set yourself apart with the unique juxtaposition of dark clothes and lack of Vitamin D. But you don’t want those colors to mesh (e.g. dandruff). Head & Shoulders will keep your darks dark and your dandruff absent. We could produce full-blown print pieces focusing on the pristine shoulders of goth kids’ black shirts. Maybe use quotes from famous bands (e.g. Friday I’m in Love, etc), or lines like “Stand Out for Other Reasons.” We could change the bottle color from the traditional white and blue to all black with a red streak, especially since the bottle top and icon already somewhat resemble a face with goth/emo hair. We could also create H&S listening rooms in places like Hot Topic, Spencer’s, or malls in general. These would be self-contained kiosks with decorated in all black and dark red. Popular goth bands could play through the area and you could get your hair washed with Head & Shoulders by a professional hairstylist.

What’s This? - What does a quirky goth love more than the combination of bondage pants and tank tops? The Nightmare Before Christmas. For this TV-driven campaign, we could license the characters of the Tim Burton classic—but with a little twist. We could use the famous scenes from the movie, but without snow. And at the end, we could overlay the H&S logo over the screen. For print, we could use stills from Christmastown and Jack in the Santa costume, edit out the snow, and use copy like, “No Flakes” with the H&S logo. We could put statues of the characters of the movie in warm environments, such as Atlanta, Austin, Santa Fe (especially), and San Diego, with the H&S logo. To further drive this point, we could put these statues in snowy areas with a heating mechanism around the area so any snow in the area would melt. Thus creating an even more unique look with snow everywhere else, except around these statues of Nightmare Before Christmas characters.

Something Different - The goth look is very important. It’s more than a fashion. Goths want to do their own thing, they don’t care about what the general public has to say. Often times you’ll see them proudly wearing full garb in the middle of summer. And they like it that way. This campaign will highlight their individuality in the face of the status quo, by focusing on their unique hairstyles and colors. Most people know H&S prevents dandruff, but they don’t realize that it’s also just a really good shampoo. The print spots will feature cropped images of unique goths from the forehead up with wild hairstyles and colors with taglines like “Head & Shoulders. Above & Beyond,” “Do(o) Your Own Thing,” and “Define Your Own Look” This could also transfer well into disruptive billboards. Same style; same tags, but the hairstyles could extend outside the traditional shape of the billboards. We could also further promote individuality by creating a new line of design-inspired bottles. All breaking the traditional H&S style guide and just going all out with colors and/or bottle shapes.

Famous Monsters - This is a pretty short and sweet concept. Goths love old monster movies and TV shows. So we bring em back. Our print campaign could use characters from shows like The Addams Family and The Munsters, etc. (famous characters with black clothing) and superimpose dandruff on their shoulders. We could use taglines like, “They Were Scary for a Different Reason” For the TV spots, we could use scenes from old, Paramount monster movies and Hitchcock films. We could use “tense” scenes where characters are screaming, but instead of screaming at the actual monster or murderer, they would be afraid of dandruff on their shoulders. (This would work especially well with the scene from Psycho) For the out of home spots, we could dress up bus stops like the famous shower from Psycho and place a bottle of H&S in there. We could line subways with Munster family photos (dandruff and all) and have the logo in the corner. We could even have H&S sponsored movie nights where they play old monster movies and episodes of the Munsters and Addams Family. We could even encourage them to dress up (similar to a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

H&S Pop - Maybe this is more of a personal experience, but a lot of the goths I’ve ever met have an odd affinity towards Asian culture, especially Korean Pop music, or K-Pop. So, we full-on K-Pop with this campaign. Get the elaborate pop stars, go for the crazy, epilepsy-inducing visuals, and straight-up Korean-style print spots. It would be wild, it would be different, and I’m pretty sure the goths would love it.

Gum for NRA Members

That Pop Pop Pop - When playing connect-the-dots between this product and that demographic, the first things that come to mind are the sounds. That satisfying pop that comes with both blowing a bubble and pulling the trigger. So we make an audio-centered campaign. The TV spots could be set in intense battles throughout history (Civil War, World Wars, etc.). Using Saving Private Ryan-esque cinematography, we could have the visuals go through battles (on land or by air), but before any rounds are fired, it would focus on the soldier or pilot blowing up and popping a gum bubble. Followed with a tagline like, “Lock and Load,” or “Certain Sounds Echo Through Eternity,” or something like that. Print and outdoor could also have similar images of gritty soldiers or pilots throughout history. Most of the images could be in black and white or dark coloring, but have the bubble coming out of his or her mouth a bright white, pink, or whatever the color of the gum. With the same taglines and the logo in the corner. Terrestrial/online radio would clearly be in use. Paint the same picture over audio and follow them up with the chewing gum pop. This is kind of a very loosely described campaign, but it’s the first thing I could think of.

Calm - Another thing I thought of was the raw emotion of having to use a gun. Though most situations would be high pressure, the person using the gun would also have to remain calm and collected. What does gum do? It takes the edge off to a certain extent. So why not focus on that? This campaign could go a lot of ways, but the most innocent and non-blatant way to go about it would be having it set in hunting scenarios. The TV spots would put you in the shoes of a hunter. Use the time to show the patience needed to hunt. The boring parts. The parts involving walking to different spots and tree stands. The parts where the hunter is just waiting. All while you can see the hunter is chewing on something. Suddenly a certified trophy comes across. The camera cuts to the face of the hunter. Wide-eyed, visibly shaken as he brings his rifle to his face. There’s a noise. The trophy deer or whatever gets spooked and starts running. The hunter is now sweating with the scope in his eye, the camera pans down to the hunter’s mouth as he slowly bites down on his gum to calm himself as he pulls the trigger. The hunter quietly smiles. The words “Keep Calm” comes across the screen with the name of the gum. Our radio spots could feature similar scenarios of high intensity calmed down by chewing gum. Whether it be hunting, playing sports, watching sports, protecting your family, or whatever. All ending with “Keep Calm.” The gum packaging could also come with little zen tips. Every time you take out a stick, there could be a little tip to keep calm printed on the inside of the foil.

Protect Yourself - Most people buy guns for the satisfaction of protection. They want to know, when shit goes south, they’re capable of protecting themselves and/or their families. So, what do we do? We take this same mindset and attribute it to protecting your teeth or bad breath. We can use rhetoric like “The Best Offense is a Good Defense” and “It’s Better to be Protected and Not Need it Than Need it and Not Have it.” You know, the same kind of stuff most 2A disciples spout off as a need for keeping their guns. The imagery can be a juxtaposition of grittiness with clean smiles. Sort of like the Orbit “Dirty Mouth” campaign, but with less humor. Video spots can focus on American heroes (cops, firefighters, members of the military, etc.) doing the dangerous jobs they do, with hints of clean teeth shining through. At the end of the spots, we use the tag “Keep Protected” and then talk about how the gum fights tooth decay, whitens teeth and fights bad breath. The print spots can use the exact same imagery, but be more of a focus on individual American heroes. This can be long-copy pieces profiling the heroic actions of specific individuals. In the end, we can talk about how, though it pales in comparison to these brave actions, is protecting our protectors.

Hero/Come Packing - Who doesn’t want to be a hero? Well, with this gum, you can. The campaign can make a hero out of anyone. This could be a fun, tongue-in-cheek campaign putting people in dire situations where they desperately need a stick of gum (first dates, family gatherings, etc.) and have a well prepared war-hero-type guy cut into the situation and provide a stick of gum. This could be a spokesperson-type character or we could have a different well-prepared individual come in each time. Regardless, the tagline would be “Come Packing” Print pieces could be longer, copy-driven spots focusing in great detail about the horrible situation and how this gum saved their skins. We could put up kiosks outside popular dates spots (movie theaters, romantic overlooks, bowling alleys, barcades, or wherever the hell kids go to smooch) and hand out free gum to whoever may need it. Though it may seem like this is geared towards kids and people looking for an intimate connection, I feel gun nuts would resonate with the hero character and the “Come Packing” tag.

[scottielambchop]

A Bit of Honesty: My Insecurities

I’ve been sitting on my couch for the past 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start this off without sounding too desperate. I don’t want you guys to worry about me, and I’m certainly not fishing for compliments. I’m just at a weird place in my life. Unemployment is starting to fuck with me.

As I’ve stated before, this isn’t my first rodeo. But something about this stint is hitting me a little harder than before. I’m shaken. Fuck, I was shaken before I got canned. I worry I’m losing my edge. That my ability to properly formulate thoughtful sentences is dissipating. I fear I’m losing my grasp on basic grammatical functions, like comma placement, passive voice, decent flow, and proper quotation punctuation. It feels like some kind of literary Alzheimer's.

I’ve always felt blessed with the unique ability to effectively transcribe my thoughts into writing, but now, I don’t know. I look back at my old writings and laugh at clever lines or find myself impressed with a unique angle I was able to find, but I’m not seeing that as much anymore. That’s partially why I’m writing this. I'm hoping to shake something loose.

I know I can't pin this looming feeling of dread down to one thing. There are a lot of working parts. But one of the biggest factors making this run with joblessness worse is that I’m not working toward something. Before, I was able to trick myself into thinking things were “ok” because I was still going to portfolio school. I kept thinking, “Yeah, this sucks and all, but it will get better once I build my book.” I don’t have that anymore. School is done. My book is built. Yet, here I am. Alone on Sunday night knowing I don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.

Fuck. Sundays are the worst. I know I’m going to hit snooze on my alarm. Hit it again. And again. Eventually, I’ll just shut it off and sleep until 11. I'll get up, move to the couch, turn on a show, and get in front of my computer. I'll find another agency, adjust my templated cover letter to fit the job, and send it off. I'll probably take another nap. Then I'll go to the gym, come home, and then prepare for the exact same thing the next day.

This feels like one of those dreams where you're trying to cry, but can't fully do it because you're actually asleep. I'm so close to a release, but can't do anything more than a muted whimper.

Copywriting is my life. It’s what I’m meant to do… at least it's what I’ve put myself $60,000+ in debt to do. If I don’t have this, what do I have? I can’t go back to manual labor. A call center job would be the worst thing I could imagine. I humor the thought of becoming a bartender. Who doesn't want to be the next Sam Malone? But my scatterbrain would make me a nightmare for coworkers when we got even the least bit busy.

I want to be creative. I want to make boring shit interesting. I want to brainstorm with others and watch nuggets of ideas blossom into full-blown campaigns. I’m passionate about this… but I worry I'm not any good, or I’m too old. People with my level of agency experience come in in their early 20s. I'm ten years their senior. I bust my ass and I’m always willing to learn, I feel people expect more out of the “older” guy. More than my experience will let me give.

The point of this blog was to freely write out my insecurities. Don’t feel sorry for me, or think I’m even close to giving up. I’m going to keep plugging away. Something’s gotta give, right? I will remain optimistic. I have no choice. I will land a job. But it’s the in-between that really sucks.

I do feel a lot better after this little exercise. Thank you for reading my bullshit. I’ll go back to stupid jokes and ad industry stuff soon.

[scottielambchop]

Caught in the Middle #2: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Well, it seems like I’ve hit the ground running. I’ve never read a Twilight book or seen a movie (ok, I did go to the first one in the theater with my girlfriend at the time, but I kinda forgot about that whole experience), so I felt it was important to jump right into the third movie, AKA The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Holy shit, this is uhh…a movie…I guess. Listen, I kind of had an idea what I was getting into storyline-wise. But maaan, I was not expecting the movie I saw. The whole point of this blog was to be confused and come to my own conclusions about an established universe, but I left this movie more confused than when I began.

So, without further ado, here are my assumptions about the Twilight universe based on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

- Pedophilia is a-ok. Sure, you may be 400-years old, but you look like a teenager so go for it! Why wasn’t R. Kelly on the soundtrack? - All werewolves do 300 crunches a day. - A werewolf can change into a wolf whenever they want, but can’t change into a shirt, like, ever. - All vampires look like they’re related to Teddy Perkins. - Nobody is ever happy. - Women don’t have any say in their relationships. - The two people who claim to be in love with Bella so much, think she’s the most helpless girl in the world. - Though they live in the Pacific Northwest, nobody knows how to properly prepare for a camping trip. - Vampires and werewolves only fight about three topics: girls, trespassing, and how the other smells. - Everyone runs so fast they make a “whooshing” sound. - Bella has the worst parents in the world. “Your dad tells me you’re hanging out with two of the most violent cryptozoological figures in history, so here’s a t-shirt quilt.” - Vampires are made of porcelain. - Dead vampires are also highly flammable.  - Yes, vampires sparkle in the sun, but not all the time. There were plenty of un-sparkly sunny moments in this movie. - Mike Dexter is still an asshole.

[scottielambchop]

Caught in the Middle 1: Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald

Up until today, I've never seen or read anything Harry Potter. So I started my journey at the most logical spot, the second Fantastic Beasts movie (IN THEATERS NOW!). I had no idea what was going on, but going off of context clues and not being in a coma for the past 21 years, I think I was able to figure some stuff out.

Based off of The Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald, here are my assumptions about the Harry Potter universe:

- Wizards are inherently lazy. They use their powers for menial tasks, like pouring tea or holding necklaces close to their faces. - Though wizards can teleport wherever they want, they prefer to travel by broomstick or bucket. - The natural food chain doesn't exist. Wild animals (or Fantastic Beasts if you will) just roam wildly without hunting for prey. - Suitcases are wizard Pokéballs. - The less skin pigment you have, the eviler you probably are (unless you're an old man with a bob haircut). - If you look like how David Lynch looks like now, you're absolutely evil. - Weed smoke predicts the future. - Horses exist. Some have wings. - Newspapers are gifs -- and sometimes Facetime. - Private school uniforms don't change, like, ever. - Wands are the equivalent of guns with a flashlight attachment. - Cement is a liquid.

[scottielambchop]

Bullshit Taglines 1

In an attempt to keep my brain on its toes, I want to get back in the habit of writing taglines. So, after a brief consultation with my friends over on Facebook, here are shitty taglines for a random assortment of products, companies, cities, and one Paddy.

Dewalt Leaf Blowers: Good Luck Trying to Sleep Off Your Hangover

AARP: The Life of the Lemon Party

Cleveland: Home of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Uhhhh...

All Elite Wrestling (AEW): We Had the Worst Wrestling Fan Base Before We Even Had an Event

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal Bars: Start Your Day Off Somehow

Spaceballs: Responsible for More High School Bullying Than the Movie It’s Parodying

American Rebel Cigars: Because There’s a Lot of Overlap Between Cigar Aficionados and Pro Wrestling Fans

Generic brown label beer that grocery stores sold in the 80s: Patient Zero for Domestic Violence Stereotypes

nVidia RTX 2080 ti: If You Know Who We Are, You’ve Absolutely Said a Racial Slur Online

Wesson Cooking Oil: Now You’re Cookin’ With Plants

Red River Trivia: With Hosts Like These, Who Needs Enemies?!

Combination KFC/A&W: Papa’s Got A Brand New Bird

Intek Cleaning and Restoration: We Can Clean Your House, But The Nightmares Will Last Forever

Songs & Stories: Biding Our Time Until We Play the State Fair OR: Here’s To The Night Father of Mine and Stacy’s Mom had Sex and Candy.

Kickstarter: It Sounded Like a Good Idea at the Time

Hy-Vee brand Taco Sauce: As Close to Authentic as Our Stores are to Mexico

Sherwin Williams: The Original Coat Factory OR: Judging By Our Logo, You’d Think We’re BP

Patrick Costello: Great Dad. Good Bartender. OK Bassist. Awful Dick.

Naväge: If Your Kids Catch You Using This, They’ll Swear You’re a Robot

Totten Trail: Audubon Appetit

Totten Trail’s Porky Burger sandwiched between two pieces of pizza: Wetfart Weekend!

[scottielambchop]

Rejected McSweeney’s 2: So You've Been Fired: 12 Steps to Surviving Unemployment

Losing your job isn’t the end of the world. In fact, an estimated 95 million Americans are unemployed. But just because you’re not alone doesn’t make it any easier. Here are 12 steps to surviving unemployment. Step 1: Lie to Yourself and Stay Positive It’s easy to get “down in the dumps” after you’ve lost your job, but pessimism won’t get you anywhere. Even if you’re very lost, sad, and feel absolutely hopeless, it’s best to act relentlessly optimistic. Tell yourself, your friends, your family, and your social media accounts about how excited you are for your future. Try saying, “When one door shuts, two more open,” or some dumb shit like that. You may be going through an existential crisis, but it’s best not to worry anyone else. Step 2: Set Your Alarm Your nine-to-five job may be in the rearview, but don’t let that stop you from making a daily routine. Creating a schedule for yourself is very important. It’s what separates you from a lazy, jobless stereotype. Don't wake up at noon. Set your alarm for the morning, realize you have nothing to wake up for, then hit snooze until noon. You may not be well rested, but you’ll feel like you were kind of awake at a decent time. Step 3: Apply Apply Apply You may have a free schedule, but you sure as hell shouldn’t enjoy any of it. That’s right, don’t even take a day or two to let all your feelings ruminate. Stress yourself out. Beef up your resume and/or portfolio immediately and start applying to every company you’ve ever wanted to work for—and do it NOW. If you wait, your dream job will probably be filled by someone else who applied mere minutes before you. Step 4: Find a Show to Stream Now that you’ve applied for all of your dream jobs, it’s time to settle in. It’ll take weeks before anyone gets back to you, so it’s time you finally check out The Wire. Step 5: Go Outside When you’re unemployed, your own home can be a prison. So why not go outside for a change of scenery? The fresh air will do you good—and the fact that you’re out “enjoying” the day while everyone else is at work will make you feel a whole new level of sadness. Step 6: Stay In OK, the whole "going outside" thing worked for a couple of days, but now you’re panicking. It’s best to stay inside and wait for a company to email or call you. Step 7: Time to Cry At this point, you should have gotten your first batch of rejection letters. The first one was probably OK, but it gets pretty tough reading, “Our team has chosen to move forward in another direction. We will keep your information on file for future openings that may be a fit.” For the fifth or sixth time. So, just let it all out. Step 8: Settle People always say, “Don’t give up on your dreams.” But they're all employed and aren’t struggling to make rent. It’s time to stop looking for your dream job and start looking for a job. Who cares if you dedicated all of your college education to a particular field? A local bank is always hiring, baby! Step 9: Take the Job You Settled For Hey, the job sucks but at least you’re able to start paying off your student loans again. Step 10: Decline Dream Job Interview Because You Just Started New Job The Good News: One of the dream jobs you applied for wants to interview you! The Bad News: The interview is at 10 AM on a Tuesday, and you just started your new job. You try to reschedule, but nothing works. You play it safe and reject the interview. You don't want to get fired from the job you have on the off chance you might get a second interview for the job you want. Step 11: Cry Again That was it. That was your last chance to achieve happiness in your career. Cry as much as you need. Step 12: Repeat Continue to hate your job and hope you get fired. If you do, go back to Step 1.

[scottielambchop]

Tite Five Vol. 1

Here's the deal: Unemployment really sucks.

But it's important to keep "flexing my writing muscle." So, I decided to take the blog format I had with my old company and take it here. Which is rad because I can now write all the f-swears I want. But even better, I can rename this stupid fucking thing. So without further ado, I present to you my Tite Five.

Arby’s Subscription Box

Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I may not be writing blogs for an ad agency anymore, but that doesn't fuckin' mean I won't talk about fast food.

For those who don’t know me (and now that I’m writing on my own blog, I don’t know why the fuck you wouldn’t), I have sort of backed myself into a corner with Arby's. It all started innocently enough. I wrote a Facebook post asking if anyone wanted to go on a romantic date to Arby’s. Seemed like a funny-enough thing to say. But then I doubled down and asked the same question again a few weeks later. Then again. And again. Soon enough, I became the “Arby’s guy.” Which, to be honest, isn’t the worst thing to be known for. Especially since Arby’s is pretty good and their Pizza Slider is one of the most underrated QSR food items on the market.

Alright, now that I got that little nugget of useless bullshit out of the way, let’s get to this subscription box. For the past couple of years, Arby’s has been fucking killing it in the advertising game. Their hilarious Ving Rhames-voiced copy spots and subsequent transition to more visual stuff with H. Jon Benjamin, their delightfully nerdy paper-craft social posts, and now, their subscription box. That’s right, you fuckin’ heard (or read) me correctly, Arby’s now has a subscription box.

In early January, Arby’s tweeted out they would be sending a subscription box called Arby's of the Month. All you had to do was sign up for $25, and you would get six mystery boxes of seasonal gear from everyone’s favorite roast beef provider. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Who the hell would want that?” Well, let me tell you, a lot of people the hell would want that. It sold out in less than an hour.

Minneapolis' Fallon (my dream agency) has done amazing work with Arby's. They've taken your grandparents’ favorite fast food joint and turned it into something for everyone. By simply getting weird with everything they do, the younger generations have latched on. Honestly, who the fuck would think about sending a subscription box full of roast beef swag, and how the fuck did it work so well? The answer is Fallon.

P.S. If anyone from Fallon is reading this, my portfolio is scottielantgen.com. Hire me, please.

Re-Watching South Park

One of the most beautiful things about unemployment in the digital age is the ability to hunt for jobs across the country while sitting on your couch and streaming a seemingly endless supply of shows. And that’s exactly what the fuck I’ve been doing with South Park.

Now before I begin, I just need to say that, yes, the show’s liberal use of the “f-word,” “r-word,” and countless racial stereotypes DO NOT hold up well to today’s standards. And honestly, I’m not going to defend it. It’s not my place.

Problematic dialogue aside, what I love about rewatching South Park from almost the very beginning (just skip the first three seasons. You're not missing much) is how it’s a perfect current event/pop culture time capsule. I seriously forgot about Elián González, Terri Schiavo, how the popularity of Paris Hilton made everyone fucking terrible for a while, and just the Passion of the Christ in general. But thanks to South Park, those headlines came rushing back in vivid detail.

South Park still holds up as some of the best satire ever created. It’s quick, funny, and often offensive. And I’m pretty sure that’s what Trey Parker and Matt Stone wanted it to be.

Also, Butters and Randy Marsh are two of my favorite fictional characters.

Skittles Commercial: The Broadway Musical

The “Big Game” (who has the money, amirite?) is tomorrow, and it’s like a goddamn advertising cotillion. It’s the day where the entire country gathers around a TV to eat a variety of sauced meats, drink one of three different beers, and watch the newest batch of commercials from some of the biggest brands in the country. I am told there’s also a football game.

This is the day companies spend millions of dollars for 30 seconds of air time. It’s absurd. But it’s the most viewed event of the entire year, so companies feel the need to get their air time. Except for Skittles. They've been doing something a little different.

Last year, Skittles was fed up with the high price of “Big Game” ad placement, and decided to ditch that mess and do their own thing. So, they did what any other rational company who wanted to advertise to millions of viewers would do. They made an ad for just one person (Check it out. It rules). This little stunt got them billions of media impressions, which, in a lot of ways, is just as good as paid placement.

Where does Skittles go after the major success of last year’s stunt? Broadway of course. During halftime, Skittles will present a one-time performance of Skittles Commercial: The Broadway Musical. Lead by Six Feet Under’s own Michael C. Hall (fuck Dexter), this 30-minute musical is slated to be very meta. Their website states, “Through song and dance, the show takes an absurdly self-reflective look at consumerism and the ever-increasing pervasiveness of brand advertising in our lives.”

It’s fucking brilliant, and I can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

Companies Taking a Stand

Other than writing as many “fucks” and “shits” as I want, one of the coolest things about writing this blog untied from any agency has to be freely expressing whatever dumb-fucking-shit opinion I have. Don’t get me wrong, my old company gave me a lot of freedom, but I always felt it best to stray away from any “controversial” or “political” opinions. Now I’m off the leash and ready to spread my leftist propaganda like a mother fucking virus!

There is a great divide in our country. I know it’s always been there, but it seems way worse ever since the 2016 campaign trail. Regardless, with this growing separation between liberals and conservatives/left and right/cool dudes and white people, companies are also taking sides. And I think it’s a really fucking smart idea.

As you’ve probably seen (and possibly burnt your own shoes about), Nike was one of the first major companies to take a stand for what they believed in. Hiring “controversial” athlete, Colin Kaepernick, to be the face of their newest campaign was a really bold move, but it paid off big time.

Yes, they faced a backlash. Fox News was all up their ass about “DiSrEsPeCtInG tHe FlAg,” and Twitter users shared a litany of videos of people destroying the products they already bought and paid for. But overall, the campaign was killer and showed that the company was willing to put themselves at risk for equality and doing what is right—though I’m sure they’re heartbroken your shitty uncle won’t buy their socks ever again.

Gillette was the next big company to pick a side. They took a stance on the truly controversial topic of “not being a shitty dude.” I really don’t know where the backlash for this came from, but apparently, men don’t like being told that it’s wrong to catcall and sexually assault women. For a bunch of “manly-men,” they’re really crying like little babies over a minute-long video. The ad is still pretty new, but it already seems to be resonating well with younger male audiences, but not so much with boomers. Weird, right?

And lastly, Patagonia just announced that they will donate all 10 million dollars they saved on tax cuts to environmental groups. I don’t know how people will find a way to be upset by this, but I don’t doubt for a single second that someone will. The world is a nightmare.

Listen, I know there are always going to counter-arguments.

“Oh, they’re just exploiting a current issue to make money.”

“Oh, you may think they’re doing the right thing, but their internal business model is totally fucked.”

“Oh, not all men.”

“Oh, that money could have gone to hard workers and not a stupid tree or whatever.”

It really doesn’t matter. This is advertising. They are spreading a message. You may not need a razor at this moment, but that spot can also serve as a reminder to be a better man. You may prefer a different brand of athletic wear, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see how much a person has sacrificed to support a cause. You may not be a white Instagrammer, but now you know that some companies are doing honorable things. These companies aren't just selling products, they’re also selling ideals.

Gratitude

As I’ve alluded to throughout this post, I recently lost my job. I wanted to make light of it a little, but I also just wanted to get some things off my chest. The truth of the matter is this: I am forever grateful for the opportunity I was given and the people I befriended along the way. I was able to work with and learn from some of the most talented people I have ever met. I took a huge risk moving to a smaller, one-agency town to take this job—and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am forever thankful for this time in my life.

One of my biggest New Year’s resolutions was to express more gratitude. As I said before, the country is divided. I can’t seem to hop on any social media channel without seeing some kind of bullshit-fueled fight going on. Everyone seems to be focusing on the negative and no one really cares about the positive (I fully understand the irony of this sentence). But this could change by expressing more gratitude for the people in your life and amazing opportunities.

Listen, I could be really pissed about the current state of the world. And honestly, I am. But I’m trying to express more positivity. Everyone else can complain about our turd of a president 24 hours a day. Why not tell the important people in your life why you’re thankful to have them? It’s a really fucking simple thing to do—and it could possibly start a chain reaction.

Listen, I’m not going to tell you to not focus on the bad parts of your job or whatever because that shit is so much more easily said than done. And it also goes on a job-by-job basis (I couldn’t really think of a positive in working in corporate finance or some soul-sucking shit like that). But I will say this, I’m thankful I was able to work a job where I could see a bright side. I learned a lot and I’m looking forward to the next steps in my career.

I know it seems tough to remain positive in such dark times. But, fuck, this is your life. You’ve only got one of em. Don’t spend it worrying or complaining all the time. Find the positive and try and improve upon that… or don’t. It’s your fuckin’ life. Do whatever you want.

Well, guys, that’s it for my very first Tite Five (but also not, ya know?). I hope this was as enthralling as Chris made it out to be. I love you all. I’ll probably see you next week with another post of sorts. Take care and don’t drink and drive after the “Big Game.”

[scottielambchop]

My Summer Set Review (2/2) ...Like, a Year Later

Hey guys, I got really tired on waiting for this thing to be edited (and honestly so did the person editing it). So here it is, unedited (sorry no boobs).

Herobust – Dirty Work: Before I get into this, I have a feeling that this song isn’t about the 1998 Norm MacDonald classic. This song starts off like it’s going to be a dirty-ass hip hop song, which is pretty tight, but then actual beat comes in which sounds like someone put a bunch of springs in a coffee can and then recorded it. As the song progresses, it sounds like someone autotuned an auto body shop. It’s bordering on unlistenable. The lyrics are really good though, you know, just about straight objectification of a woman. Jesus fucking Christ, it’s songs like this that make me really wonder why the fuck I chose to write this shit in my free time. All I can think about are junked out white kids twitching to this song in a grassy field and saying that they’re “in a groove.”

Keys n Krates – Dum Dee Dum: Holy shit, this song’s initial beat is just the words “dum dee dum” on repeat at different tones while someone uses a drum machine. There’s no drive or real buildup or anything. I know these kids like to dance to this shit, but I’m having a hard time even finding myself able to move. Then again, I’m not stuffed to the gills with blow and molly. I just don’t know what I’m listening to anymore.

Malaa – Notorious: First thing’s first, at the time of this review, this song has 6,382,678 views, so I’m thinking this is a banger… but I’m actually expecting the audio equivalent of dog shit through an Instagram filter. Ok, getting started. This song has a very basic beat, almost the type of beat someone would make when they’re trying to explain generic techno. And honestly, I’m not far off. It’s just low-key shit while lyrics from a hip hop artist are scattered about whenever it fits. I don’t hate this, I mean, I also don’t really like it either. It’s so nondescript that it’s hard to formulate an opinion on it. Which makes the high number of views makes so much sense to me, because either it’s so generic that it will keep any shitty 20-something basement party going without “harshing” anyone’s mellow, or someone had to listen to the song six million times just for to formulate an actual opinion on it. It’s probably a mix.

Ookay – Thief: This guy is straight-up made out of autotune. Thankfully, he’s trying to bring back the sexy saxophone, but the shitty over-bassed beats ruin any sort of goodwill that had going for it. Like, this song just sounds like a modern slow jam. There are lyrics… layers and layers of the same lyrics over each other, but it’s alright. I just kinda wish I didn’t have to see what this guy looks like. You know when a barista says “I’m also a DJ?” I have a feeling this guy is that success story. Compared to everything I’ve listened to so far, this song may as well be Rust In Peace by Megadeth, but ultimately it’s just Ookay.

Petit Buscuit – Sunset Lover: Jesus, more than 37 million people have listened to this. It starts off with a with an alright guitar (or synth guitar) riff, but then follows it up with an annoying high pitched voice speaking in a remixed foreign language. But this is really just non-offensive, kind of relaxing. It ever so slowly builds up more, adding in beats and other percussion instruments. Minus the remixed voice, this song is actually pretty good. I’d play it to help me sleep (I swear that’s not a dig). It’s just a quiet, relaxing song, people probably fuck to it a bunch.

Playboi Carti – Magnolia: This is a break from your typical bullshit dubstep/EDM on this list, which is a warm welcome for me. Sadly, this guy sounds like The Streets, but with an over-bassed beat. I don’t know what’s going on with hip hop anymore. Lyrically, it’s like they’re not even trying anymore, no rhyme scheme or anything. Just drone beats and incomprehensible rambling followed by a clearly audible “bitch” and that’s it. That said, still better than most of the stuff I’ve listened to.

Slushii – So Long (Feat. Madi): I can really tell how much this review process has started to change my outlook on things. I legitimately got excited when I saw actual people on the YouTube video thumbnail. My brain is breaking, ever so quickly. Anyway, this actually starts off like a pop song, slow beginning, nice pianos. Hell, even the girl singing sounds like she’s using her own voice. Ok, now the electronic part kicked in, but it’s not overly annoying. Honestly, this just sounds like generic hipster garbage, that people would namedrop to get some sort of superiority (“Oh that’s cute that you Animal Collective, but I’m more of a Slushii person.”) Regardless, I’m worried that they’ll get kicked off of the festival for being an artist that creates an actual song. Prayers for the Slushii family.

Snails – Frogbass: Oh Jesus, they’re hitting the ground running on this garbage. This just starts off really loud and obnoxious. And there’s a buildup where everything speeds up really quickly and subsequently gets quiet. All leading up the huge “dubstep” climax that just sounds like it was made on Sega Genesis sound chip. Like, that breakdown seriously gives me a headache. I feel like I need drugs… I SEE THE APPEAL NOW!

Space Jesus – The Weed: Well fuck, at least we’re now throwing out any attempts a subtlety with this song title. Honestly though, if I wasn’t working on this little project, and someone asked me if I’ve heard “The Weed” by Space Jesus, I would assume they’re one of the coolest stoner metal bands ever. But in all actuality, this song is just a conversation between two people about how a guy doesn’t smoke weed anymore, and that there’s a new drug or some shit out there, then it’s all remixed at different levels over some boring-ass, non-consistent beats. There’s seriously no drive to any of this shit. Like I understand that kids want to have some sort of music to listen to while they’re frying their brains on elicit drugs, but for fuck’s sake, try and maintain some artistic integrity. Oh, and this video has some dumb, weird fascination with waffles, but really, who gives a shit?

Ugly God – Water: Who could have seen this coming? The next natural progression from Space Jesus is Ugly God. In the future, I’m going to cite these two groups as a reason for my atheism. Once again, this is just generic beats with a guy mumbling over it. But wait, this guy rhymed “water” with “water” NEVERMIND HE’S A FUCKING GENIUS! And according to this music video, he’s also very talented at pouring two types of alcohol on someone’s daughter’s breasts. You know, because that’s a thing apparently. Also, this video has a weird gangster element, and utilizes the “f-word” (homophobic slur). Maybe the Christian conservatives were right about us shitty “snowflakes.” I mean, if (Ugly) God doesn’t have a problem placing himself above women and homosexuals, why should anyone else. I need to rethink my life.

Vanic – Too Soon (feat. Maty Noyes): This Maty Noyes girl has a pretty good voice… I think. It’s kinda fitting the trend of inward sing/mumbling so I don’t know what’s good anymore. But anyway, this song has the format of a pretty basic electronic pop song. Yeah, there’s a part in the middle where the keyboards make auto-tuned “veep” and “voop” noises, but at this point, nothing is surprising. The buildup is ok, and parts of this song are somewhat catchy. Yeah, it’s just a dance-pop song. Nothing groundbreaking, but it’ll get your ass shaking in the club or wherever the fuck you want to go.

Whethan – Savage (feat. Flux Pavilion and MAX): Well first of all, this video was uploaded by an organization called Trap Nation. I suppose there is no better time to let you all know that I have no idea what trap music actually is. So far all I can tell is that it just involves a lot of bass-y fart noises in lieu of a chorus. The quiet parts of this song are relatively tranquil, and I would very much like the song to just be nice an relaxing, but I guess that would make doing drugs in the middle of a field boring, so I guess Whethan added some loud robot farts to get you guys going… and that is trap music.

Wolfgang Gartner – Devotion: Apparently Wolfgang Gartner is the artist most retail clothing stores hire to make their in-house music. I’m currently watching a “lyric” video for this song, and they just have the same two lines on repeat throughout the entire song. It’s really loud and annoying, and yet I feel the urge to buy a pair of $150 jeans and a suit jacket.

Blu J – HDLCK: They sample Imogene Heap for this, so that’s pretty alright. But they replaced all of the music with the typical techno drums and claps, and then fill the rest off with random noises (you know, the sounds like when you hit a PVC pipe with a stick or whatever). I suppose it can make someone shake their ass. It just goes quiet and then loud and then quiet again. I’m now realizing that this review has become a test in how many times I can write the same goddamn review.

Kasbo – World Away: To start off, this just sounds like something that would be played in a dimly lit bar that would make you pay $25 for a gin and tonic. Very light and ethereal, but also really annoying. It’s like the audio equivalent of a late 20s/early 30s aspiring Instagram model. I can only picture people wearing big hats and big sunglasses listening to this and saying that this song is “so dope” and then going back to eating sushi and talking about how they want to travel the world and then live in a tiny home in an open field somewhere.

Russ Liquid – Feral Cat: Oh Jesus Christ this starts with what sounds like a pan flute and then evolves to a Moog synth. All of the sounds are compiling over each other, it’s like a multiple layers of noise that start and stop with the overall beat, like nothing is overtly loud, but there’s just so much happening all at once. After a bit, it just cuts its initial beat, and the noises just come all willy-nilly. There’s a point where a high-pitched voice is singing something, then there’s a clearly slowed down voice saying some bullshit at the same time, while it sounds like someone is having a stroke while playing a synth. This is like the official theme to a sexy headache.

Oh My Love – Spark: Oh good, it’s a band that saw early MGMT and the Phoenix back in 2009 and never grew out of it! That said, compared to practically everything else I’ve heard on this list, this has a straight-up song structure. And if I’m being completely honest, it’s actually pretty good. The female vocalist has a relatively pretty voice, and the beat isn’t overbearing. This song sounds like it would be played on a depressing montage about love lost over a summer in an indie film. Shit, I might actually listen to this song again, when I’m not forcing myself to review it. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Mielo – Surreal (Feat. Abby Sevcik): The beginning of this was highly inspired by the vocal prompts in Animal Crossing. Vocal cuts stopped and turned into actual vocals, which was nice… oops spoke to soon, it’s now just the word “you” in different pitches with a typical electronic beat. And now were back to the regular vocals. I get how this song works. It has some really peaceful, pretty singing and then it’s followed by one of the most annoying choruses. It’s kinda brilliant really, it provides audio highs and lows for people on ecstasy to better ejaculate. Yeah, a little under half of this song is good, but the rest is annoying horseshit.

Porn and Chicken – Ugh, no.

Attom – Stay: This is just local coffee shop background hipster music. Light noises, overpowering beat, peaceful synths and indecipherable vocals. Easy to ignore when you’re trying to finish your essay about how the works of Kant and Descartes affected the political cultures of their times or whatever. It wasn’t anything, Hell, it was hardly there. So needless to say, I like it better than 75% of the rest of this stuff.

GainesFM – Negative Energy: This is just typical modern hip-hop song with a minimal beat and mumbled lyrics. The only thing that sets this song apart from the rest of it is the fact that it sounds like vocals were recorded with a megaphone muffled through a pillow. At least he has the wherewithal to rhyme on occasion. Whatever.

Indrid Cold – Cosmic Dust: This starts off with a sample from an Apollo space mission. As far as I can tell, this guy is just a typical club DJ. Fun fact: I did once go through a minor techno phase in the very early aughts (we’re talkin’ ’01 or ’02). During this time, I listened to a lot of Paul Oakenfold, Chemical Brothers, and Orbital, and honestly, that’s exactly what this sounds like. It’s still shitty techno, but it reminds me of the shitty techno that I used to listen to, so I can tolerate it. Stupid samples though.

Ragebeards – Round 2: Ok here’s the deal, these guys are a local Minnesota DJ duo, I can’t really find anything of theirs on YouTube, so I’m watching a video on their Facebook. The problem (other than the fact that they suck) is that the video is more than an hour long, and I’m certainly not going to waste an hour of my life listening to this. Anyway, I can review this relatively quickly, imagine the worst parts of late 90’s Crystal Method and then add Michael Buffer/Jock Jams samples in there and that’s basically what you’ve got. Take that however you want, I’d rather listen to Filter.

Why Khakiq – Knew the Half: This song is pretty wild, man. It starts off as one of those mumblely hip-hop songs, but then the dude starts straight-up spittin’ rhymes. Then half way through, the beat completely changes to something faster and the guy really goes after it. And then it cuts back down. I dunno, man, I kinda really like this. Solid

Trufeelz – Set Ya Mind Free: Ok, imagine sped up Musak, weird synthy laser sounds, and then the same phrase being repeated on different pitches, one high and annoying, and the other low and breathy… and also annoying. But I can see how people dance to this. It sucks, but as I’ve come to realize, that doesn’t mean you can’t dance to it. OH COOL, THEY’VE ADDED PAN FLUTES AT THE END! NEVERMIND THIS SONG RULES!

Conclusion:

I’ve given one song by every artist a shot. Surprisingly, I found one or two that didn’t make me want to lobotomize myself with forklift (Hell, I actually found one that I actually kinda liked (Lookin’ at you Oh My Love)). But ultimately, most of the people playing this festival sound like the audio equivalent of vape rigs.

Most electronic dance music (techno, trap, house, flip, flop, butt, farts, Jeep Cherokee, flat earth, and whatever other subgenres) is the goddamn worst. Granted, I haven’t even smoked weed since 2009, so I don’t know what these guys sound like on drugs… or stranded in a field with people on drugs. The one thing I’ve discovered, is that this is just the next iteration of hippie bullshit. If you need drugs to enjoy the sounds robots fucking, maybe the sounds of robots fucking isn’t good. But whatever, I’m not going to fully shit on someone’s good time. I just won’t go to the goddamn festival.

If I can leave you all with one last thought, it would have to be “Fuck hippies and their bullshit music.”

But seriously, I hope you guys all do what you want, and do what makes you happy. I know I didn’t. I’m going to neutralize the nearly irreversible damage I’ve done to myself by listening to Propagandhi and Snapcase.

But seriously, seriously, fuck hippies.

Stay safe out there. Always know your dealer.

[scottielambchop]

Rejected McSweeney’s 1: I Was the One Who Told the Smash Mouth Guy the World Was Gonna Roll Him, And I Demand Satisfaction

It was back in late 1998 when I came across an overconfident Steve Harwell, lead singer of the then-somewhat popular band Smash Mouth, at a party in Orange County. He was standing around, wearing a very flamboyant Hawaiian shirt, sipping on some sort of tiki drink (everyone else was drinking beer, and where he got his special Easter Island mug, I’ll never know), and just kind of smirking at everyone he saw with an air of confidence unlike I have ever seen in him before. And after I saw him blatantly tipping his bright yellow Oakley’s down at the sight of an attractive woman walking by for the fourth time, I decided to finally approach him.

You see, Steve and I had known of each other for a long time. We ran in parallel circles, never really hung out, but talked at social events we both happened to attend. He was always a very nice, yet somewhat doofy guy. You know, one of those types that makes a dumb joke that no one likes, but we all give him the courtesy laugh because he’s just a big sweetheart. He even had a nickname for me. He used to call me Scottie “The Body.” To this day, I still have no idea why. I think it was solely because it rhymed.

Anyway, Steve sees me approaching him, takes off his sunglasses, places them securely on his tan bucket hat, and says, “The BODY! What’s goin’ on?!”

I gave him a polite reply and made a little bit of small talk. I really wanted to ask him what his deal was, but I took our “friendship” into consideration. So we talk more, and he just starts going on and on about how his band is blowing up. He starts bragging about how a bunch of movies are using their song “Walkin’ on the Sun” and how their album Fush Yu Mang went double platinum. Steve then taking the conversation inward about how he’ll never need to work another day in his life and he can now just get any girl he wants.

At this point, I’m physically upset with Steve. I feel compelled to interrupt his now 15 minutes of rambling about himself to tell him that he was not the guy that we all once knew, something had changed. Then the mood changed drastically, he seems stunned that I would talk to him in such a manner and starts talking about how he doesn’t need my approval for anything. He was a star now and he had the smarts to make it years in the music industry.

And this is when I made the biggest mistake of my life. Frustrated with his arrogance, I replied to him, “You know you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, right? If you keep acting like this the world is gonna roll you.” And I proceed to walk away and eventually leave the party.

Cut to a couple of months down the road, and you can pretty much take it from there. I’m listening to the radio, and then the next thing I hear is, “SomeBODY once told me…” then MY words being thrown back at me. Kicking off one of the worst, albeit catchiest songs I’ve ever heard.

I was furious. I tried to give a seemingly naïve Steve Harwell some tough love, and he takes my words and uses them to make millions upon millions of dollars. You guys were there, that song was inescapable. Then the years started coming and they didn’t stop coming, and now it’s nearly 20 years later and that song is STILL everywhere, serving as a constant reminder of this one annoying interaction.

Well I’ve had enough of this. My story needs to be heard. I’m the one that told the Smash Mouth guy that the world was going to roll him and I demand satisfaction, dammit. He was acting pretentious that night, and I have yet to see any karmic balance for his actions. At one point I thought it was going to happen when people started listening to that song ironically. But it had no effect on Steve. He just kept making more money. He went with it without any shot to his ego. The guy’s like a Tommy Bahama Tommy Wiseau.

I’ve been talking to lawyers about copyrights and what I can do, and they all just think that I’m some parasite that’s looking for a handout. That’s not it at all. Granted, yes, some money for my troubles would be ideal, but it would just be nice to just get some kind of writing credit for inspiring a worldwide phenomenon. You see, I’m an unemployed writer and I really feel that this credit would be able to open up a lot of doors for me. I’ve tried to contact Steve, but he wants nothing to do with me.

Now I sit here barely scraping by, I can’t help but think of the irony that I’m the one the world has rolled. So I take my finger and my thumb, and make the shape of an “L” on my forehead.

[scottielambchop]

My Review of The Summer Set Festival (1/2)

You know, as a 32-year old man, I don’t really feel like I’m all that old. I’m hip, I still have that old devil-may-care attitude, I’m in pretty good shape, I play video games and don’t have many responsibilities. I love music, and I certainly feel that I’m more than open listening to new music and giving it an honest shot.

Then I started my security job at a Minneapolis bar called Psycho Suzi’s and got to know (and befriend) many people in their early 20s. Now, I’ve now come to realize that I don’t know shit. One such coworker recently posted the flyer for Summer Set (a local EDM festival), and only three names sounded familiar to me: Run the Jewels, Die Antwoord, and Zeds Dead—and that last one was only because it’s a Pulp Fiction quote.

So, as an attempt to fit in with these wacky youths, I’ve decided to listen to one song by each band (group) in the order it was written on the flyer and post my initial thoughts on each. It’s like a stream of conscience from hell. Let’s see how this one goes.

Zeds Dead - Frontlines (ft. GG Magree): This girl’s voice is okay, but musically who gives a shit? Oh, never mind; now it’s turned into a goddamn dubstep song. What in the holy fuck have I gotten myself into? It would be a lot cooler if this featured G.G. Allin — and I really hate G.G. Allin

Zedd – Clarity (ft. Foxes): This song sounds like every song played at my gym. It’s fine. I probably would have liked it in, like, 2001 when I went through a bullshit Paul Oakenfold phase. Do you think this guy has a beef with that Zeds Dead group? I guess that would make this festival kinda neat to see how they hash that shit out.

GRiZ – Hard Times: I’m really hoping this is about Dusty Rhodes, but I think I need to get that out of my head right away. This song starts off kinda cool, like a hip hop version of a Reservoir Dogs-type movie intro. Oh, now the dumb bullshit dubstep kicked in and ruined it — should have figured that nothing stays gold in the context of this miserablelittle adventure I’m on. Also, watching this video, you need to understand this this dude is the most stereotypical white guy trying to be a hip hop DJ. It’s like if Edward Snowden put on a hockey jersey and shitty glasses.

Run the Jewels – Run the Jewels: I’ve heard this before. These guys are cool. But then again, I’m a white guy who casually listens to NPR, so of course I like Run the Jewels. My only problem with this song is that I think only Angel Witch and Minor Threat should have titular songs.

Die Antwoord – Ugly Boy: I don’t know how two people can look so much like juggalos but not be lumped into that group. Instead they’re like the best thing to happen to graphic designers since the Adobe Creative Suite. I used to really like these guys but, then again, I used to be really fucking stupid.

RL Grime – Core: This is building up to something that I’m probably gonna hate. Not to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but holy shit was I right. It has buildups that I felt like will have a significant payoff, but then it just does fucking nothing. It’s like audio edging. For fuck’s sake, this song goes nowhere. Well, at least I can say that I also really hate their name.

Datsik – Redemption (ft. Excision):  Oh great, I found the official background music to every YouTube vape video. When they inevitably remake the Matrix movies, I fear this is all they’re going to sound like. The track says it features another artist, but the only thing I can hear is some random audio clips. But then I did some research to find out it took TWO separate DJs to make this bullshit.

Post Malone – White Iverson: First of all, this guy needs to land on his basketball references. Second of all, this video has 276,473,194 views—a number I wish I were joking about. This song just sounds like every other modern hip hop song, minimal beat and some dude inaudibly saying dumb shit without a rhyme. Now that I’ve established how milquetoast this song is, I’d really like to comment on how this guy looks. He’s the missing link from Riff Raff and James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers. Seriously, if they were to make a reboot of Malibu’s Most Wanted, casting had better snatch this honkey up QUICK! He seems like an exaggeration of someone trying to appropriate black culture, and it’s heartbreaking no one is calling him on this shit. I can’t wait until we’re in a time of post-Post Malone.

Seven Lions – Worlds Apart (feat. Kerli): Honestly, this starts out okay. Kerli has a pretty voice, the electronic beat isn’t overbearing and the video features bloated images of outer space that you’d probably find on the wall of a “worldly” teenage stoner. I’ve heard way worse. Granted, this could also be my old “techno” fan coming out. There’s a middle dubsteppy part that I could do without, but whatever. Yeah, I didn’t mind this one.

Zomboy – Like A Bitch: Right from the get-go I’m told to, “stop acting like a (woop) and get my hands up.” Here’s the deal, Zomboy: you only get one chance to make a first impression. And you insulting me for not doing what you want isn’t going to make friends with anyone. So, no, I won’t stop acting like a bitch.  The mere fact that you keep repeating it, isn’t going to motivate me to do it any faster—if at all. With that said, musically, this also sucks.

Audien – Something Better (ft. Lady Antebellum): Hey! This has a structure of a legit pop song! I don’t know if this project has been beating me down, or if this is actually decent. Don’t get me wrong, it has the really annoying electronic hooks that most modern music has, but compared to some of the garbage I’ve already put in my ears, it’s pretty alright.

Bakermat – One Day: Man, what a progressive song. Nothing says, “heartstring cash grab” better than mixing samples of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech and sexy saxophone with generic dancy electronic beats. It honestly sounds like the backing beats to Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations.” Oh well, at least it was short.

Big Wild – Aftergold: This song sounds like it was tailor-made to be used in the opening narrative of an “inspirational” teen movie. Imagine an opening shot of an urban high school with the main character doing a voice over explaining his life and school, now think of the music that is playing in the background. Yeah, you’ve got it. It’s light and floaty with an array of unique instruments (strings, Taiko drums, etc.) and then sample in some record scratches and electronic noise and that’s it. It’s not offensive. It’s not anything. It’s just a thing.

Bleep Bloop – Slippin: Before I start, I want you to know that it was THIS band that made me venture into this masochistic assignment. It all started when a group of younger coworkers posted the flyer for this festival on social media and expressed their sincere excitement. Now, being the complete asshole I am, decided to shit all over their good time by stating that it sounds like the worst time imaginable. (I was essentially being facetious because I really don’t care what they listen to. But for the record: I’m right). Anyway, after skimming through the names, my eyes caught the name “Bleep Bloop” and everything in me laughed and cried all at the same time. I voiced my opinion about this band without ever hearing them, stating that this just sounds like a generic EDM placeholder until these assholes can figure out something dumber to call themselves.

Cut to a few days later. It’s a Saturday and once we were finished closing up, I decided to invite some coworkers over for drinks. While everyone is over, I take it upon myself to throw on a record that I figured would appeal to many. So I put on my copy of T-Swift’s 1989 (it’s solid pop-gold, fight me). I throw on the record, and it’s mostly well received. At this moment, the person I was giving shit to about Bleep Bloop made his opinion heard by stating that he can’t believe that I would listen to/enjoy 1989, but refuse to open myself up to Bleep Bloop. Now once he said “Bleep Bloop” out loud, I couldn’t help by throw myself into maniacal laughter. I mean, just think about how goddamn stupid that sounds. Imagine your favorite band of all time. Then imagine their name is fucking Bleep Bloop. Now try and defend that band to someone who hasn’t heard them before. It turns into the biggest, most useless uphill battle you’ve ever waged upon someone else. It’s also just really funny for the other person, if you’re dead serious about them.

Okay, now that I’ve got the backstory of this shit-ass band, it’s time to dive into the music.

This is just a series of dumb sound effects. It honestly sounds like it was created on the Playstation version of MTV Music Generator. Then they have remixed versions of a guy saying the same damn thing. It’s seriously giving me a headache. I don’t know why anyone would want to listen to this for enjoyment. It’s really fucking confusing. All in all, it’s exactly what I expected out of a band named Bleep Bloop.

Destructo – Higher: Have you ever seen an action movie from the late 90’s/early 00’s where the protagonist has to kill a mafia boss in the middle of a douchey club? You know, those scenes where in which shit really escalates into a full-blown gun fight and the fire alarm goes off making everything wet creating a unique aesthetic? Yeah, this is the shitty music playing at the beginning of the scene that lets the viewer know that the location really sucks. The video is blatantly alluding to straight-up heroin/sex addiction—it’s pretty glamorous. And then she dies at the end from a broken heart while some guy repeats, “get higher, baby.” All in all, better than other stuff already reviewed on this godforsaken list.

Ghastly – We Might Fall (ft. Matthew Koma): This video started out by saying “Dubstep Electro House” which is weird because I can almost guarantee it should just say “whiny dude singing over bullshit.” It started off slow with dumb vocals, then it slowly built up to a techno climax (which is also a medical term for when you ejaculate lasers) with a high-pitched autotune. And then it repeats. Whatever, it sucks, but it’s fine.

Well folks, that’s it for the first half. I’m currently waiting on edits for the second. I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath. Trust me, it fucking sucks.