screamingintothevoiddiary

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

Have you ever known you’re being dumb as shit but felt unable to stop it? I know this man doesn’t care about be and then internally I’m being completely “my man my man,” and that I’m going to further embarrass myself. Like I found something out that I don’t love but I’m still up his ass and I’m like 99% sure he’s going to break up with my this summer but I guess I’m just waiting for that? I’m definitely chasing a feeling that won’t return but I don’t know how to stop so I guess I’ll just let the mess happen.

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

Why does every post about relationships boil down to literally any desire for passion or intensity being mental illness or “anxious attachment” (a terms that seems to have devolved into pop psychology) and the correct way is to be somewhat detached, not that enthralled, and have an overall muted disposition. As someone who has always loved romantic movies and dramas this idea makes me want to scream a little bit ngl! Like not to prove the mental illness point but fun romantic connections add a certain zest to life and the way “healthy” relationships are framed, at least online, sound so boring and dispassionate that I almost don’t see the point in life. It’s just so dull.

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

Literally feel so fucking tired of it all. I’m in physical pain literally every day because of chronic illness and people borderline don’t believe me despite being diagnosed. Not that they don’t believe I have the illness but for some reason think I just shouldn’t have any symptoms? Or maybe they just don’t want me to complain or care enough that I’m in pain, I don’t know.

Also so frustrated by having to emotionally tend to everyone then having them return zero sympathy or consideration and treat me like I’m a monster for ever having a negative emotion. Whenever I’m hurt I’m excepted to swallow it and whenever they’re hurt I listen to them for hours.

Even if I’m not venting I can’t get people to listen to me. Literally no one. Their eyes gloss over and there’s zero comprehension in their expression. I can tell they’re not listening at all and just waiting for me to stop talking and it becomes even clearer when they say something just shows they heard nothing I said at all. So I end up stopping after a few minutes.

I don’t know what to even hope for. It seems like the love I receive is always contingent on my consistent service and folding of my own needs. I don’t know what it would even look like to be loved for anything else. I don’t really know what love looks like period. So much of my life has just been performance and receiving emotional or verbal abuse. I hate being this whiny but I’m just so frustrated, then I despise myself for being frustrated.

I don’t think the life I crave exists, or at the very least, it must not exist for me. I should be content with what I can access but it rots my soul to live this way.

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

He’s literally so fine…

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

I think there’s two kinds of posts where people seemingly take pride in being mean

One is surface level and straightforward where that person genuinely is mean and loves it for whatever reason but I think the other type is people who fear that they’re mean even they’re not and use this fake pride as a way of mitigating the fear and anxiety they feel over being perceived as mean

[screamingintothevoiddiary]

I’m excited to have this little diary :)