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Dear Charlie,

First of all thank you for existing. I’ve been writing to you for 12 years now. Not consistently, but when I’m at my worst. I want you to know even if there’s no one else, you’ve helped me tremendously. Thanks for being a constant in my life.

I’m so tired, Charlie. Everything reminds me of her. Even you. We both loved you.

I’m having such a hard time accepting the reality. How cruel is this world that I met her, someone who saw me entirely, more than anyone has ever seen before and she just didn’t love what she saw.

How do people do this? I genuinely don’t understand. I know she loved me to some degree. I felt it. I keep asking myself how or why everything happened this way and I just can’t get any answers. Two weeks before she moved on we were talking about our hypothetical babies. Two hours before she made out with him she was telling me she loved me. When we first tried no contact she told me I had her entire heart because not talking to me felt so empty. But the second she found someone else she was fine not talking to me anymore. Or even if she wasn’t entirely fine she still chose not to talk to me every single day.

Now they’re together. Does he kiss the same spot on her body? When I told her it was like a little spot meant to be kissed she said no one had ever noticed it before. Does he? Does he give her tiny tender kisses there and look up at her face to find her smiling like in her childhood pics? Vulnerable and soft. Does he love her like I do? Does he appreciate all her quirks and her baby voice and her jokes and her heart and her brain and her smell and her touch and her stubbornness?

God, I miss her so much. I hate that I’m forgetting her. I just don’t understand, Charlie. Why did the universe get us together if we were not gonna last? How, just how is she able to love him and sleep with him and be with him after being with me? Saying those things to me? She said she loved me more than life, Charlie. How did she hurt me so deeply if that was true? And I believe it was. I don’t know if I’m delusional but I felt it. I felt it in my body. She saw me, all of me, down to my bones and loved me but was not in love with me. Why did I fall in love with her then? What was the point? I know love is never wasted but why just why couldn’t she love me back? Why him? So soon. Right after me. Did I mean so little?

Every day she wakes up and chooses not to talk to me. There is more shit going on in my life than ever. Like actual adult deeply f ed up and serious shit. And still what hurts the most is her absence. I wanted to leave her in 2024 so I wrote her a 6 page letter (in my diary, not to be shared with her) and I put everything she has given me or is related to her in a box and put it away. It was a lot of shit. But now it’s the absence of all those things that make me think of her. God how is she able to be with someone else right now. To love someone else. To kiss someone else. It’s been two months and the pain hasn’t eased up at all. At this point I wish I had never met her because this is unbearable.

I’m so in love with her. I don’t understand how it’s possible after everything she’s done. But I am. I love her with every single cell in my body. And I hate myself for that.

Hope you’re doing well, wherever you are, whoever you are. Thanks for keeping this going for so many years.

Love,

M

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i knew you would

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Sufjan Stevens, The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!

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There is still love here (Ceramic house)

My Instagram

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10 yıldır aynı odada aynı şey için ağlıyorum

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Sevgili Charlie,

Şimdi bitirirsem dönmem gerekmez, onca yükü taşımam da gerekmez. Bu düşünce beni çok rahatlatıyor ve umursamaz yapıyor, gerçekten ne için yaşadığımı bilmiyorum artık. Yüzüne bakıyorum, en sevdiğim fotoğraflarına, ve artık gülümseyemiyorum, içim hala sevgi dolu olmasına rağmen mutlu hissetmiyorum ona baktığımda. Çok sinirliyim. Çok gördüğü her şey için çok sinirliyim. Sana yazmak istediğimden değil, başka kimse olmadığından buradayım. Üç gündür uyuyamıyorum.

Daima sevgi yazmayacağım, sonsuz sevgi ölümde bile hissettirmiyor artık kendini.

Yemin ederim çabalıyorum.

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Ya da kusucam

Yuh

O kadar fazla negatif şeyi aynı anda hissediyorum ki

Galiba fiziksel olarak patlayacağım

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Yuh

O kadar fazla negatif şeyi aynı anda hissediyorum ki

Galiba fiziksel olarak patlayacağım

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Dear Charlie,

it’s me again. Sorry but I think I will not survive much longer my depression, I already wrote my goodbye letters. I tried to get help, I told them I can’t do this much longer and they all tell me I will rock this like every time and I just need to smile more and I just go for little walks and everything will be fine .. I should just let my past past and looking for the future - but enough is enough I am fighting since a can remember and I can’t do this anymore. All this pain isn’t worth what my life could offer me. I am done. They tell me „I hope get help“ why don’t you help me? Why can’t you just say something nice or understanding so I feel like you care but with this words it’s like I just bother you. „It’s hard for us to see you like that“ imagine how I feel.. I go through all that!

Goodbye Charlie , I tried, I really tried but I can’t do this any longer

L

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Uyuyamıyorum

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Film izliyorum

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Asla mutlu olamayacağım

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Uyuyamıyorum ağzına sıçayım ya kafama sıçayım aklıma taktığım şeye bak

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Yaşarken herkes incitti seni

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Kimsenin en sevdiği insan değilim. Kendi kendime en çok söylediğim cümlelerden biri bu. Kimsenin koşulsuz ve sonsuz sevgisine sahip değilim, kimse beni her zaman kucaklamıyor, kimse bana kırgın olduğu anlarda bile merhamet duymuyor. Yalnız hissediyorum, her şeyi bırakıp yanımda olacak biri yok, bunu sadece istedim diye yapacak biri yok, ihtiyacım varken yapacak kim varsa da merhametten diğer her an yoksun. Sana benzemeyeceğime söz vermiştim ama insanlar beni yalnız bırakıyor, kendimi daha çok sevdirmek için de benim gücüm yok. Olduğum insan bu, görülmemesinden yoruldum, sevilmemesinden yoruldum, kimsenin bana sarılmamasından yoruldum. Tüm şansımı kaybetmiş hissediyorum, hiçbir hayal kuramıyorum. Yanında olmak istiyorum, burada olmaktan çok yoruldum. Kimse kucak açmıyor, kimse senin gibi gülmüyor. Kimseye haksızlık etmiyorum, sevilmeyi ben hak etmiyorum. Bir süredir ağlamamıştım, özür dilerim senden başlamadığı için ama hep içindesin. Sen bana sonsuz sevgi duyuyor musun bilmiyorum, duyduğunu sanmıyorum ve hissetmiyorum, kesinlikle de hak etmiyorum. Seni çok seviyorum, seni çok özlüyorum