scribbles-n-ramblings

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There are days when the pain pours like rain and drenches me to the bone,

Days when I stay still and time and space lose meaning,

When everything in me needs to pen down how I'm feeling but the words never come cause they're stuck in the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat.

Days when my heart hurts and I wish I could tear it out of my chest and not feel a damn thing.

Days when the thought of moving forward just pulls me back into the past.

Days when the world is washed in hues of grey and life has lost all colour and I soldier on still.

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There's a cigarette that's secured between her lips as she stares out into the vast nothingness of the night,

the landscape is pitch black, save for the handful of lights that littered the small hill in the distance - the only indication of civilisation.

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Uncertainty

There are days when I roam around with this sinking feeling. These days my soul wants desperately to pen my thoughts down but when I sit there, I have a mental block because what can I possibly say. What can I say that hasn't been written before, something that explains the storm of emotions that has taken me over, how could I possibly put it into words and so I suffocate with the weight of everything I can't say.

And I sit here, yet again, staring at the screen for what seems like an eternity to me.

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Sigh. It's taking a lot of courage to not fall apart while I write this. This has been the worst year of my life. Sadly, it's not the first time I'm saying this. Things have been weird. I don't think I will ever get over the pain.

A year of hope seems ironic because hope was what broke me. I kept hoping and I was so bloody sure that things would go back to normal but they never will again and I don't know what to do.

The struggle did get better I guess and though I didn't believe it then, I do admit time heals wounds. But the scars never do leave.

Things are better today, have been working on myself a little and feel a bit at peace alone. Seemed like an impossible feat at one point. So I guess there is hope after all.

As this year's end draws closer, I can only hope I get my things in order and conquer this unbeatable monster that are my exams.

Here's to living in the moment. Something I did here. Feels bloody amazing then but not sustainable in the long term. Need to go back to focusing.

1/1/2021

Starting a new year stuck in the same routine.

Not sure about making resolutions this year because they've started looking quite pointless.

Went through 2019 June's journal last night, ended up smiling and reminiscing quite a bit. Talked to Raoul, had missed that as well.

This year, I only hope I can try my best every day. That's all I ask. Try my best. Other things should fall into place automatically then right?

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Haiku #3

There's a million things

I need to do yet, somehow

the hardest is getting over you

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Haiku #2

I'm trusting myself again

to not fall for you

and risk getting hurt.

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Need to stop giving people the power to hurt me.

Trying to learn.

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All I want to do

Is to Lie under the stars

Holding hands with you.

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I think I'll leave this town tonight,

I'm tired to the bone, giving up the fight.

My hands are on the steering wheel,

Bruises blooming and my knuckles bleeding,

I look in the rear view mirror and see the town receding.

I never thought I'd be one to walk away,

But then I never expected to get caught in the fray.

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Most days I hate everything. This world can keep everything it has to offer, I'm neither interested nor suited for it.

My ineptitude to dress up words and coat them in sugar is astounding.

This world can keep everything it has to offer because I'm just a misfit and I don't want anything from it.

Maybe there's a day in my future that isn't dripping with misery and self loathing. Maybe some day I won't break so easily but from where I stand now, I can't picture a scenario fulfilling this criteria.

I don't suppose I can change and I know that the world never does.

And so I shall carry on, in a world full of people who can articulate their way through things while I blabber on.

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Everything about him just draws me in on some days….

He wears pastel shades and he looks so soft, he wears black and and he looks so hot,

He has a sense of humor and that big ego too but the joy he gets when one of his jokes are good is reflected on his face and it just melts you…

His voice drew me in from the start and shit I can’t get enough of it

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I always hate getting into cabs with dirty windows cause it snatches away my joy of looking outside while travelling. I’m sitting in the back of those 7 seaters where the last two seats face each other instead of the road and you have to look outside to avoid awkward eye contact with the stranger sitting opposite to you. The said window in this case though, has acquired a thick layer of dust made more evident by the trails of stray water droplets that seem to have fallen so long ago that they have yet again been covered in dust, creating the image of a sort of depth to this layer. The window looks something out of a movie. No, it looks like a movie with the dust and the dried water patterns giving it a sort of sepia shade and the headlights of the two wheelers behind us on the bumpy road creating the illusion of an 80s motion picture. The view surprisingly manages to engage me and I find the ride home a little too short. I always hate getting into cabs with dirty windows but I think I might be able to manage it sometimes…

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You keep walking in and out of my life…

Leave me a wreck each and every single time…

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Does anyone else have a particular date or event that ‘started’ the pandemic for them? Even though that event clearly happened after everything ‘started’?

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OMG this is a shit storm. 13-02-21

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Share a smoke with me tonight and let us sit in silence under the moonlight.

Let's look up at the stars while our fingers stay intertwined, my head on your shoulder and your head over mine

Let the crickets chirp and the trees sway

As the wind blows all our troubles away.

Let us stay here, just the two of us like this, forever

Let us stay here, just the two of us, together.

I don't want to think about tomorrow, I don't want this moment to end

I don't want to leave your hand and go back to being just friends

I want you to look at me and tell me you know exactly how I feel

And that you're tired of pretending what we have isn't real

I want it all and I want it with you but I know I'm the one who said no and so there's nothing I can do

So I just hold on tight to your hand and close my eyes,

Just committing this moment to memory before we say our goodbyes.

-6/2/21

Thinking of Javier Peña tonight I suppose XD

Reminiscing...

[scribbles-n-ramblings]

There's a million things I need to do

And somehow one of the hardest ones is getting over you.