scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

After moving from Memphis, Tennessee to Helena, Arkansas I feel compelled to write something great!  I want to write my story somehow to expalin my reasoning for my never ending Quest to find Bob Dylan.  I want this book to prove that this crazy dream was real and that it did exist with purpose led by the hands of God.  I want him to know that this Quest to find my Bobby Dylan seems like I am chasing after the Biggest Sperm whale to ever exist but if he sinks this ship and takes me down.  I will still always and forever love him.  To me and to many others that has stuck by him he can do no wrong.  He is constantly growing and changing with the times.  I don’t bow down to many and I will bow down to Bob Dylan aka Robert Zimmerman.  I will lick his asshole if he wants and even fuck him in the ass with a strap on if that’s what it takes.  I will do every God thinkable thing that I could do if I could only get my Bobby Golden Dickie Rocket Man.  I honestly didn’t know that guys were into that shit until I met this sailor boy during my divorce.  His name was Charles.  I met him on this dating app.  He had that all american good boy look to him Kind’ve like that Good will hunting guy but he was really the devil in disquise when it came to sex.  Charles and I first met at Boscos in Memphis.  He wanted me to go out into his car to listen to Bob Dylan theme time radio hour.  He told me that you couldn’t fast forward or rewind it or it would start from the beginning.  Now I had actually seen Bob Dylan before I had children at Memphis in May 2001.  I remember this awe that came over the crowd when he came on that I have never seen before.  At that time I thought GNRoses wrote Knocking on Heavens door but learned that wasn’t the case at all.  Later during my married years I was in bed one night and I was trying to remember who that singer was that I saw that I really loved.  I stayed up late trying to google his name.  My wuzband was so mad at me because I couldn’t sleep until I found it.  Low and behold I finally did and that wouldn’t be the last time that his name would come up.

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

Let’s see where do I start?  Is it the part where girl meets boy or should I say a “Real Man”?  Funny dream I had once was about Bob Dylan.  I was going to his concert alone as usual and I was running late.  My ticket started blowing in the wind.  I started chasing the ticket which brought me front row.  There and behold was Bob Dylan singing only for me.  After the concert I was waiting by a porta potty and here comes Bob Dylan.   I told him the restroom was empty and he said there’s a difference that’s a boys room and this is a Real man’s room as he made me touch his mighty big dicky.  After that we took off driving in a car really fast trying to run from someone not sure who or what?  We were just trying to find a hotel room and then all these cops and wrecks happen.  We never made it to the hotel but it sure was a funny and a strange dream.  The dream is almost like how my Quest for Bob Dylan has been.  It has made me get out of my comfort zone that’s for sure.  Another dream that I had about Bob was when he started showing me his tea bag collection.  It was beautiful and strange just like this Quest.  He was young then with a huge Mad hatter like hat.  He touched my heart and soul.  No words can even explain this crazy love affair that to most is silly but to me it’s real most of the time.  He is always with me even when he’s not.  I know I’m not alone in this Quest but to me they don’t exist.  

My luck with men has not been so good.  I really wonder how anyone can put up with having someone over you as a healthy relationship but I am probably turning bitter at this point.  Yeah I did that I was married but it didn’t work for me because he wouldn’t let me be me.  He wanted a Desperate Housewife to serve him and no matter how hard I tried to be that it just wasn’t me.  So here I am in June 4, 2017 with a house of my own, two kids that love me, a doberman that loves me, a father that loves me and my own business.  After being diagnosed severe bi-polar, going on food stamps, filing bankrupcy, and living with my parents.  Here I am I should be contempt and thankful for what I have but I am missing something and that’s the one wish that I always make is to find my one and only love.  Most people I would think would wish for money but no not me.  Maybe I should wish for money that way I can follow Bob Dylan around in concert because to me I really feel like he is my Soul mate.  Most people when they go to Baskin Robins they want to try and sample the flavors.  Me I know what I want and just have the same thing every time which is chocolate/peanut butter.  You can keep adding whatever flavor you want but I will always order the chocolate/peanut butter.  Nothing better will ever come along.  If you ever decide to get rid of the chocolate peanut butter then you can just sell your soul and kill yourself.  I’ll put the money where my mouth is or wants to be and that’s on the never ending Quest for Bob Dylan.

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

The World is a stage but the big question is who’s watching?  Is it big brother?  Aliens?  Are the stars satellites?  Is Peter Pan and Tinker Bell Real?  Is this a living Matrix?  Are we holographic?  The Holy Spirit possession, are we on a Wifi like channel (some are tuned in and others are not)?  Reincarnation is real.  you can tell by the eyes they are a gateway to the soul.  Are some people souless?  Did they really sell their soul?  How can you tell who is and who isn’t?  Do they turn into a program?  Are they real?  Is anyone real if not looked at?  Am I real?  Who am I?  What did I sign up for?  If the world is a stage and reincarnation is real why are we stuck in reverse?  Will order derive out of chaos.  Is God corrupt?  Where is he or she?  Are they in human form?  Do they travel through different people or animals?  Is that why people follow the bloodline or ancestry so well?  What if it was set up like the Bees and we had a fake Queen.  If we are all connected to this planet or universe of existence would poisoning humans hurt the Power of all.  Like  a dominoes effect.  If a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound if nobody heres it or for that matter cares.  If Jesus died for my sins why am I still sinful or is sin even real in the first place.  My dog and children sin by the definition not internationally but instinctibvely  without know it’s a sin till told.  If lying was a sin wouldn’t you be living a lie by acting a part?  Would you be considered a scarecrow?  If you were without sin who would you need or be?  I think everyone wants to be a God and with the world of Social media you start to see almost a type of hunger games called Look at me.  Aren’t I cute, aren’t I rich, aren’t I smart,  don’t I have it together.  Just a me me me ok pretend to like someone if it will get me somewhere to me me me.  Look at me I’m a star.  Look at my ass ain’t it fake.  Look I have enough to have plastic surgery and get my lips plump.  Look at me my teeth they are  bleached white.  Smile show you all me teeth.  Here use this toothpaste and fluoride to help your teeth fall out  faster.  Here kid eat this candy, here kid buy this app to make your selfie more fake.  Here buy this and everything is going to be okay.  Here go to this Church because you need more business relations.  Here let me brainwash the children more with forced beliefs of our dead ancestors.  Our DNA code even looks like we are trapped here until this world realizes Everyfuckingwhere we have a problem and I don’t care how smart you are or who you know nobody can fix it.  Everybody is hurting in some way or form.  Our purpose of life is now depleted to pay bills or worry how you are going to pay the bills.  I know money is not everything but in this world you need it.  A lot of people are chained to the system by money.  Remember when we were kids and we used to play pretend?  Is that what everyone is doing just pretending?  Come to Jesus and play pretend for the rest of your life.  Come to my store and I’ll pretend to like you.  Come see me and pretend you are having the time of your life.  Who can play pretend the best?  Kids are so pure but adults are so cruel we are all damaged by programming.  Innocent is fake.  Women are all whores living in HOuses.  Men are whores too but they can get away with it better since they normally make significantly more than the female.  I think every woman should ban any man to enter a pussy until we are paid the same or more for interest of all the years we’ve been screwed.  

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

June 25, 2107

When the chips are down you really do find out who your real friends are.  I recently went to a Blues music festival with a wishy washy friend to begin with.  People have warned me that she just used people and when she got all she could from them she’d unfriend them.  I had seen her do this to several people one of which was her neighbor that she hated.  Her hate is starting to show on her face now.  She has turned evil and mean filled with greed.  She pretends to be someone that she is not nor will ever in this lifetime that’s for sure.

I lost my phone and keys at the festival.  I had been drinking and ate a mushroom that this suppose friend brought me.  Well when I realized that I had lost my phone and keys I couldn’t stop crying.  I remember one of the ladies just holding me in her arms as I balled my eyes out.  My supposive so called friend starts yelling and screaming at me.  Instead of trying to calm me down by love and support she does the exact opposite.  It was a utter nightmare!  She finally agrees to give me a ride back to Egypt to my dads house since he had a spare set of keys.  Here I am trapped in her van and having to listen to her shit.  I mean it’s bad enough losing your phone.  You would think that if she had any heart at all she would try to comfort me instead she does the exact opposite.  

Well the next day I had my father take me back to the festival to retrieve my car.  I asked if anyone had seen my phone and they said no.  I at this point was so drained I just wanted to get home and didn’t even look for my phone.  Well when we get home my daughter got on the find my iPhone app.  We put the phone in lost mode with her number.  I at this point didn’t have much hope of ever seeing my phone again but  my daughter was determined we’d get it back.  She told me that she prayed to God that someone would find it that was honest and miracausouly her prayers were soon answered.  We get a call from my phone from  the boy scout troop leader whom I remember because they were handing out watermelon and I gave them $2 donation.  They even found my keys too!  I was so happy because I really couldn’t afford another phone right now and had just paid this phone off after 2 years.  I sell on eBay and my phone is a crucial part now.   My entire life was on that phone, all my pics, all my emails, all my numbers.  Losing your phone is traumatic enough much less having to deal with a utter BITCH at the same time.  Well I get my phone back and then when I get in my car I see that Ho had texted me.  It wasn’t nice it was mean and typical Heidi behavior but it was upsetting none the less.  It really just felt like someone had just stabbed me in the back.  She said, “C lost her shit last night.  Not fun.  No more outtings with her in public.  You needed to know I can’t babysit anymore.

So, I wrote her back and said, “Sorry if losing my phone and keys inconvenienced you but thankfully honest good people still exist.  Got them both back.”

I thought maybe she would at least say good I’m glad you got your stuff back but oh no she says, “Fuck off C”. Then she starts saying that I owe her money for the chocolate and that she should charge me for the ride back to Egypt.  Then apparently she stole my necklace because she takes a picture of it and says that she’s going to sell it on eBay and if I want it back I can buy it on there. She starts cursing more calling me a cunt acting like the mean washed out whore that she has become bitter and cold hearted.

I wanted to call her just that and tell her she should take a look in the mirror but I kept my cool and kept it simple.  I said, “Fair the well my fair weather friend” and ended the text when I said that’s like the pot calling the kettle black.  

Sometimes in life we don’t know why things happen but this incident has taught me several things.  Firstly, Ho is not a friend.  A real friend would have lent a shoulder for me to cry on.  A real friend would not feed me poisousnous mushrooms, a real friend would not have even thought about charging for a ride home, a real friend would have been happy to learn that I got my stuff back, a real friend would not steal my necklace to sell on eBay and a real friend would not hate Bob Dylan.  That should have been my first red flag to this matter.   Secondly, I am so thankful that I lost my keys and phone because if I were to have driven back home that night I might not be here now.  I am so blessed and so loved by my children and father.  They were there for me when the chips were down.  They had my back and with their love and support I got through this situation.  

As for Ho she has to live with herself that to me is Karma enough.  Good riddence Ho!

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

June 25, 2017

I feel like I literally just conquered Hell and lived to survive.  I feel like I just went to battle and somehow escaped deaths footsteps.  I feel whooped!  My body is aching.  Even my thumb is hurting.  I never use my thumb!  What the fuck is wrong with me?  How can one event be so draining to ones soul and ego of course.  Like I felt like I could maybe still conquer the world and now I feel like why bother anymore.  Who cares? What’s the point?  I have no energy for nothing.  I have nothing left to give.  A smile would crack my face at this point.  I have nothing to smile about.  I have one girlfriend left now.  Do you know how many friends I’ve been through?  God only know at this point I have no care to even worry with numbers.  Maybe it is me maybe I am to blame.  Maybe I am the biggest Bitch alive.  Maybe I am the devil in disguise.  Maybe I am the mother of all Harlots, I am despised and hated.  I am the most despicable person alive.  I am a worthless piece of shit.  What is it?  What’s wrong with me?  Why is everyone so fucked up or is it just me that’s fucked up?  When I go somewhere people just stare at me.  I always have to be the one to strike a conversation it’s like they are waiting for me to speak.  What the fuck is going on?  Why does nature and God love me?  Why do my children and father love me?  Is anyone else real?  What is happening to humans now with all this technology.  Is it helping or hurting us?   I have heavenly aid and you want to step on my shoes more you can think twice.   I’m turning angry and bitter aren’t I.  I’m just hurt more then anything.  I don’t want to be but I am.  Maybe I do let people down.  Maybe I’m not all they hoped for in a Queen of the Matrix but I can’t tune it out.  I can’t forget all that God has shown me.  I haven’t been on this trail for this long to just quit.  My stairway to heaven may be in ruins but Valentin said he’d fix it.  All is not lost.  Maybe it’s humility that I’m feeling.  I don’t know what it is but I feel tired and I’m calling it a night. See ya later alligator, Cucumber Girl

[scrumptiouslyburningphantom-blog]

Open the door you Knucklehead!

When you don’t have your love you are doomed to get the Blues.  Everything seems wrong.  Nothing feels right and you think death sounds peaceful if you did not to have to endure this torture of being part from love.  I’ve been looking for that person for what seems an eternity now of 39 years of living but not as many looking but apparently many reincarnations in the process.  I’ve kissed a lot of frogs to just settle for anyone now but it’s not looking good.  Nothing looks good everything seems like too much  Nothing feels right or taste right.  My reason for living seems to be consumed with daily chores of trash, shit, piss, dishes, laundry, shipping listing, driving, smoking, popping pills for energy that do the opposite now, drinking a beer to numb the pain to only find more upon awaking and the bills are pilling up.   Where is my Sunshine?  Where is my soul mate?  Where is the one who loves a wretch like me?  where are you hiding?  When you think you find them they deny your love which is more painful than I can bare.  Why does this have to be Mission Impossible?  Why does everything have to seem so difficult?  Why is everything so expensive?  Why do I have no pie for myself?  Where is my crumb?  Where is my share?  Why is life not fair?  Why do the meanies keep winning?  Why are the crooks in charge?  Why is our media just garbage?  Why?  Why is this world so fucked up?  Why does this fat bitch have a husband?  Why are they happy and I’m not?  Why are they rich and I’m not?  Why I ask myself?  Why did I get delt this hand in life?  Why did I have to learn the hard way?  What was all this for?  What purpose do I have anymore?  What left do I have to give?  When all everyone does is take.  When will it be my turn to shine?  Or am I just a burned out star now?  This little light of mine shined too long and it’s about to form a black hole, it’s doomed for chaos, run boys! run from her seems to be the case.  The ones I love don’t love me or know know me but I love them it seems to be the only thing keeping me alive at this point is some kind’ve hope of my dream.  That it’s not over just yet.  That you have one more shot one more chance.  You aren’t a complete failure just yet.  Don’t give up Chrissy it will work out I try to comfort myself.  Nobody cares, they all keep chiving on as I sink.  They throw me  a bone but the bones get smaller and smaller,  Now I feel like it’s doomsday that they forgot about me.  That God has forsaken his promise, that I’m gonna end up worse then Scarlett.  At least she tasted love and we don’t know how it ended do we?  We don’t know what ever came of Scarlett.  Did Rhett ever come back?  Did she kill herself?  Did she get her Ashley?  Did  she die alone?  Just like Jesus we don’t know what he was like during his early life.  Maybe when Jesus comes back we will learn what happened to Scarlett.  In my life I can relate to Scarlett a woman cursed with tragedy for the price of her Beauty.  She to most is very unlikeable by her deemener, she is spoiled, mean and manipulative, Life loves to hit Scarlett and people love to watch her Sink.  Those that do help her nearly get killed in the process or killed.  What is the curse of the Scarlett woman?  Why are we all doomed for this tragedy of a unrequited love?  Why do we feel as though we are doomed to never find true love?  Why does this task seem like a dying battle?  Why did so many have to fall in the process?  Why is this love such a battleground?   Scarlett wasn’t really that bad if you think about it.  She survived many tragedies and in the process was still beautiful and had more then most.  She did what she had to do in order to survive and kept her fiesty spirit along with style and grace.  She stayed true to her nature by enduring the blows to only become even stronger and more beautiful.  I think if I were to write the ending to Scarlett it would be very easy to just have her kill herself because you’d rather her do that then to view her drown.  I mean what if Scarlett had lost everything and ended up being a whore?  We don’t want that for her.  I think I’d rather see her kill herself then to see that.  What would a happy ending be for Scarlett?  Could anyone ever make her happy?  Why is she so hard to love but so easy to watch?  Maybe it’s kind’ve like wtinessing a train wreck from a distance it may look crazy and wild but if you were actually  a person on that train or near that track it wouldn’t be so cool.  It would probably not end up good.  Instead of figuring out why these two trains are about to collide and wondering who engineered it or what could prevent this in the future.  We do nothing.  Stop the Train!  Do something!  Help!  Everyone involved in her life I’m sure will never forget her,  She made quite the impression.  I don’t think you could forget a Scarlett woman maybe that’s why were doomed.  People are jealous of the Stars the ones to stand out in a crowd.  We are treated like caged animals.  We try to escape the cage to only be trapped in a smaller one.  The only way out for us is death and even in that we never die.  Death is not the end.  We just come back and do it all over again and again.  When will this curse end and this curtain come down?  Why is it always a tragedy?  Why can’t we live happily ever after?  I think by having Gone with the Wind end with us left hanging is probably the best ending because those that loved her still have hope for her and those that despised her character can be happy that it did not end happily ever after.  Now if Scarlett was a terrible spoiled wretch why did her character fascinate so many people?  What would Gone with the Wind be like without Scarlett?  Would it even exist?  What would be the point?  That is why to me I find that it be most urgent for the Scarlett woman to be protected and helped. Without her their would be no point.  Life would be boring and plain.  Stop beating Scarlett women up.  They are going extinct.  God put them here for a reason just accept that most books have a main character you can’t take away that character without making it another book.  You need a main character.  That is how life should be.  Scarlett was a Queen and really deserved to be treated like one.  I wish she didn’t have to suffer by causes not her own but she was a lot stronger then you would give her credit for that’s for sure.  I hope Rhett is lost without his Scarlett and she tried to get him back.  Maybe he gave her quite the challenge the next time but in the end it only made her love him even more and everything was sugar plums, cupcakes, rainbows again on Earth because with a love that big it would effect the Universe, it would put the train back on track, it would be heaven on earth.  Come on God make all those scars be worth the price of Love.  With love they will be worth it.  With love they will tell a story so spectacular that not even the stars above have ever witnessed.  Let this prophecy come true, let the covenant of God stay true to a promise long ago.  Let love live again in the Scarlett woman, let this curse be denied and removed, let her enemies be the ones forsaken, let the Word of God ring truth and Justice in the wise.  Tell the Stars above and the heavens.  Let them see this happy ending,  Give me my love sooner than later, cupid shoot him with my arrow of love, and have a messenger bring him my way at once.  Tell him that I love him, show him that I am the one he’s been looking for, let him not escape my love, let him see only me in his heart, let my love engulf him and his body yearn to have me at once.  May his dreams guide him to me, show him now I beg of you, let him know I’m the one he’s been looking for, let him know I’m the one he’s been singing about, tell him I’m the one made for him.  If he denies my love may he feel something missing, let his heart feel my pain,  may he hear me cry for him while were apart.  May he feel like he’s dying without me.  When he sees my face may he realize that he loves me.  May his body ache for only me.  May he wonder what would have happened had he kissed me last November.    If I could redo that night I would have kissed you and showed you how much I loved but you know Cupid thinks its funny sometimes to shoot arrows at others instead.  You and I still were never really apart because soulmates can still love at a distance.  You were always with me and I with you in some way or another.  Seeing you always made me happy the only thing painful is not for long enough.  I guess i am happy to have tasted the love we shared and always hoped that one day you’d come back to me that you’d somehow figure out that you loved me.  I thought you were still with me somehow on this journey.  If you were my one true love you could feel this and know that no matter what  a love like this can only grow bigger the more you deny or run. May you know that I will always love you and wanted only you the whole time.  Cupid don’t stop shooting aim for his heart.  Why is my love so stubborn?  Why won’t my love come home?  Why can’t cupid aim right?  Cupid stop shooting arrows and confusing more hearts.  Cupid just give me my love to hold tight, give me my love to touch, cupid stop playing games, this is not funny,  Cupid if I can’t have my love you can kill me.  Shoot me next time to death.  Maybe in death he will miss me.  Maybe in death he will know that he loved me.  Maybe in death we will be together.  I’d rather have a happy ending in this please don’t let it end like Gatsby.  I beg of you to give me my love at once, let this game of love be over,  I will surrender to my love, give me my love please I beg you.  If you have to write it in the stars heavens somehow let him not deny my love.  Have the stars shoot only above my house.  Have the stars write our names and be his guide home.  May it be a miraculous event.  Guide my love to me someohow nature, show him if he is blinded, show him that i love him, show him that I’m the one somehow.  Have a birdie whisper in his ear my name, have a horse nah my name, have a donkey show up at his door with a bow tie that reads my name and address on a tag, if he is still in denial may he hear someone call my name when no one is there, may he start to hear voices to tell him I love him,  make him learn he can never escape my love, he will find only me in his dreams, may he start to go crazy and get paranoid.  May he realize he surrounded my fakes and phonies. That nobody in this world is real anymore no not one person but that girl he met at a picnic.  That girl he loved for a short time be the one girl to never escape his mind.  May he feel me when he sings his songs, may he start to see that one girl he’s been singing for this whole time was me all along.  May his love start to fill his body may his thoughts start thinking about that girl in Helena more and more each day, May he start to tingle with pleasure when he thinks of me.  May he want me more and more.  For Gods sake Cupid bring my love to me in one piece this time.   Someone shoots cupid and cupid falls from the sky. My love is a witness of this event of cupid falling from the sky. My love runs to see what just fell from the sky My love hears cupid moan in pain My love follows the voice to find Cupid laying at what appears to be a railroad track crossway.

My love runs to Cupid and sees that somebody had shot Cupid in the heart. Cupid says I once loved a girl a mortal that you have known. She loved you and to.ld me to shoot you with her love but instead thought it would be funny to shoot others instead  I wanted her for myself I was wrong in that I now know.  I learned that you can’t play with mortals hearts like that.  All this playing has finally caught up with me.  For now I am dying please here me out.  Chrissy Bowers is your soul mate she’s the one you’ve been singing about.  She’s your muse and you know it she is the one promise this world has left.  You are both the ones phopetized long ago.  I urge you to go to her at once.  Stop everything you are doing and go get your love.  I am cupid a messenger that has never felt love for a mortal.  She is like no other I promise in time you will know. I tell you the truth I promise so in death I can have peace.  I pray that I am forgiven for what I did by telling the truth in my last dying breath t.  Cupid points to the sky and says see even the stars above are waiting for you to go get her and tell her you know for certain she’s the one you love. that she is your twin flame now you know it.  Cupid points and then breaths his last breath at the site above.  My love can’t believe what he’s seeing in the sky.  My love is now in awe at the beauty he sees that night that he thinks he’s dreaming that this can’t be real.   My love is now greeted by a donkey with a bowtie that has my name and address on his tag. My love laughs and can’t believe what he’s seeing. The donkey speaks and says your love is waiting for you here just hop on my back and I’ll take you to her now. My love can’t believe what he’s seeing but is now certain that he loves only me.   He gets on the donkey with a bow ties back and they ride through the night.  The donkey says see the stars they are guiding us to your love right now.  This is only a sign of a promise you must now know without a doubt.   This is the one lesson that I am telling do not ever deny a ladies love but if you do by error or mistake let it be known that the stars will always be happy guide you back.  There is always hope that love will find its way home by this story is a promise and testimate of a True love story can have a happy ending even if someone has to shoot cupid and a donkey gives you a ride.  Love can have a happy ending after all.  May nothing be in vain if in the end you get your love.  May no man nor no woman ever become between us again now that our curse is broken and covenant reunited.  Let love rule your heart not Cupid he’s dead and gone now.  True lovers are now reunited you don’t need cupid here anymore  

Cupid was forgiven but God sent him on another journey he’s somewhere following the stars in the sky to find his one true love.  Cupid is now learning the hard way for why you should never interfere with love. Don’t hate Cupid for shooing and aiming wrong sometimes he apparently doesn’t have the best vision it seems because Cupid is now lost without his love.  Now that cupid knows that God made him a soul mate too he has hope he will find her.

Funny how love works sometimes it moves in mysterious ways but the lesson like I said if a lady gives you her heart don’t break it mend it to yours and your love will get bigger each day as your love for one another grows you will see what you have been missing and now know never to run from a lovers call.  

Open the door to love next time you knucklehead.