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1x01 Pilot

The following story is inspired by actual documented accounts.

90s Mulder Appreciation #bae

Oh man. I’ve watched this episode in university dorms, long haul flights, TV, you name it. Let’s do this.

In the intro, a girl is running in the woods, and not from Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. She falls in a clearing and a faceless guy and a bright light appear with a LOT of wind. The next morning, she’s dead, and it turns out that she’s not the first one! *drama*

At FBI HQ we get our first glimpse of the adorable no nonsense Agent Dana Scully (#goals). I love how overwhelmingly 90s this office is. The computers don’t even have colours! *shoulder pads intensify*

Scully is asked to debunk the X-Files by her bosses as a tall menacing guy smoking a cigarette stands over in the corner leering at her. Is he important? Meh, probably not. Down in the basement, Agent Fox Mulder, is looking adorkable in his nerdy glasses. He’s a delight of sass and sarcasm.

The agents head over to Twin Peaks, Washington, I mean…”Bellefleur, Oregon”, and the car radio acts up so Mulder hops out and spray paints a giant X on the road. Unlawfully applying graffiti is a violation in the state of Oregon, punishable by 100 hours of community service. Fucks given? Zero. 

They eventually make it to their destination and dig some graves to find who knows what with a metal implant in its nose. In an attempt at being thorough, they go over to the psych ward to meet the other abductees. There’s a kid in a vegetative state called Billy Miles, and a paralysed girl with two bite looking marks on her back like the girl in the first scene. Mulder thinks it was the aliens, Scully disagrees, so off into the woods they go where Scully steals some dirt and a cop kicks them out. Top notch investigative skills right here.

On the drive home, a bright light appears where Mulder previously vandalised the road and they lose 9 minutes of time so Mulder jumps in the rain to celebrate like a madman because aliens. Back at the motel, Sculder stay up all night talking about his abducted sister (yawn), until a mysterious caller rings and tells Mulder that Peggy, the paralysed girl, ran, yes, RAN, into the road and got hit by a truck, AND it happened at the exact time Mulder and Scully lost time???? *drama intensifies*

Theresa Nemmens, who’s dad is the shady medical examiner, takes our beloved agents to a diner and tells them about how scared she is because she keeps waking up in the woods. Well, yeah, let’s be honest. Who wouldn’t be freaked out by that? Her dad shows up with Billy’s dad and kind of creates a scene and tells the agents to gtfo.

Mulder thinks Billy is guilty here, and says, and I quote, “The kids come to the forest because the forest controls them.” and now maybe I’m crazy because I don’t think he sounds that crazy anymore. Scully however, literally just laughs in his face.

The next morning at the hospital, Billy has muddy forest feet so now Scully thinks he’s guilty too, so everyone goes back to, you guessed it, the forest where the sheriff threatens Mulder as Theresa screams in the distance. Billy is seen carrying her into the light, but this time they both come back alive, and Scully, as always, misses the whole aliens happening thing. Billy then testifies about lab experiments in the forest and an implant in his head, but the DA destroys all the case files so it hardly matters.

Back in Washington, Scully delivers her report and no one is impressed. Like, at all. The Smoking Man from before then stores the metal implant away in a box with many others at the Pentagon, proving that just maybe, he’s relevant.

Spooky rating - 10/10 In my opinion, this episode could not be more perfect.

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So it’s been I don’t even know how long since I’ve posted on here and I thought I’d go through the episodes and do some proper recaps/reviews. Thoughts? Stay tuned!

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Go home Scully, you're drunk.

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Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas

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In which Scully mentally thanks Blevins for assigning her to the basement office.

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You say Mutayto, I say Mutato... 5x05

*Insert apology for not doing this sooner here*

Many thanks to littlegagaaaa for requesting this one, I had a lot of fun :)

POST-MODERN PROMETHEUS MY DARLINGS

In this issue of The X-Files:

I don't this this one's about aliens

This one's all in black and white so get ready.

We meet a fat kid named Izzy and his friend Booger.

What is wrong with your parents.

They are off to Middle-of-Nowhere's answer to Comic Con. We wish we could go to Comic Con but life just ain't fair.

This is Izzy's mother. She's watching Jerry Springer and a wolf baby. I don't know.

She "cayn't believe this" apparently. 

SUDDENLY some guy puts a tent around her house and starts cooking up some smoky block in a pan and listening to Cher. Someone knows how to have a good time. 

We really want to find this scary but it's Cher so we just want to dance instead.

omg

SHIT SHIT SHIT! The guy actually has two faces and is in her bedroom.

Post-credits, Sculder are in the car and Scully is reading what appears to be some weird fanfic. These two need new ways to have fun.

Mulder wants his own 1-900 number, presumably so people can ask him for phone sex. Scully makes this face:

Excuse u mulder im rite here

Later in Izzy's mother's house (Shana), Scully has already had enough of this shit and it's been literally about 5 seconds.

Shana, why are you such a skeeze?

Apparently this woman had some kind of anti-baby surgery so she's super shocked that she's pregnant. I can see that.

The woman goes on about how they made her pans really dirty and ate all her peanut butter so Scully makes a face like she wants someone to put her out of her misery.

Anyway, now we think she's super crazy because we find the description of her "rapist"?

Honestly, woman.

Seems her kid Izzy made the comic book. Have to admit, I'm a bit impressed. Also it's super annoying that she says Mutato as MOO-TAH-TOE. No.

In the woods where everything happens, Izzy tries to lure Mutato out with a peanut butter sandwich for Sculder to see.

Even Mulder regrets coming here.

They discuss sandwiches and suddenly we want a sandwich too. 

Mulder says "this is a very serious crime" and suddenly I just:

Moving on...

Scully goes on about how these people are just massive attention seekers and Mulder tells her not to be so judgemental. Damn Scully, didn't they teach you that in Catholic church?

After much chatter, Mutato comes out of the woods, has some of the sandwich and runs away. Scully's judgy ways scared him away.

They run into a scary farmer with a pet pig who looks super confused. His son is a suave scientist man who's apparently totes evil.

Sounds a bit like that bro Frankenstein or whatever

He's rude and we don't like him and neither does Scully so she threatens him with the Jerry Springer show if he doesn't play ball. Go Scully.

Seems this guy abuses flies and makes them grow legs on their face. What a douche. 

DRAMATIC LIGHTNING

Scully tries to reassure Mulder that they can't do weird experiments like that on people because he gets a bit upset. 

Professor scientist man goes home and is mean to his wife about not wanting kids and leaves for some conference or something. She gets sad and cries and then Mutato presumably impregnates her too. No boundaries this one.

In a diner the next day, some odd looking people eye up Mulder. He must think he's having a sexy day but let's be honest, when is he not.

This woman who looks and acts like a chicken (for reals) sits down next to him and makes some notes.

Mulder likes a different chick already, sorry.

Scully picks up a newspaper with an article talking about everything she and Mulder discussed so then they go to Shana's house and get all mad at Izzy for recording their conversation.

The tape has some Cher music on it which Shana says was playing when she "got knocked up". TMI woman jeez.

They hear Mutato singing on the tape and we cut to scientist man's wife's house where he is.

It's okay, he's just getting down to some Cher.

Mulder then chats about how the scientist is like Dr Frankenstein and Scully is like "omg babe no" so Mulder says "Who else would go to such trouble to impregnate Shana Berkowitz?"

OH SNAP. Mulder you sassy bastard.

He then tricks Scully into going to the circus.

Her life already feels like a travelling circus, Mulder.

It's actually scientist guy's house. They pass out from the smoky stuff inside and then we see...shock horror...THE FARMER.

Plot twist amirite?

Except it isn't really because they are now interviewing Mrs Scientist and she's describing Mutato as her lover.

So done with this shit.

Mulder suggests Dr Scientist's wife got impregnated (she seems delighted btw) and also the chicken reporter woman from earlier is there, presumably to size up Scully as her competition.

Mulder says the intruder is going around violating people's frying pans. Honestly, nothing's sacred anymore.

PLOT TWIST - Mutato is the farmer's son/Dr what's his name's brother.

Who saw that coming? Well, me. Because I've seen this before.

He makes him live in a barn though, which is really mean, you horrible, horrible man. Dr Scientist shows up at the house and attacks his dad. These people have no manners.

The next day, people are mean to Mulder in the diner. 

PRO TIP: When even Mulder is done with your shit, just stop.

Suddenly everyone runs down the street because someone arrested Izzy and his mum is all mad. 

Scully shows up and tells Mulder that the guy was violating frying pans with an animal tranquilizer that farmers use to anaesthetise animals/rape women.

Scientist wanker apparently killed his dad and then his brother Mutato finds his body and gets really sad and it's a bit upsetting because he's crying and buries him in the barn. Poor thing.

Sculder then show up at the farm and find the farmer's body and get ambushed by a chicken.

ermagherd stahp

They then find chicken woman hiding in the barn. She's a journalist for the local paper. Together, the three of them go through childhood photos of Mutato. I'm starting to hope he has a really normal actual name like Brad.

In true Frankenstein style, an angry mob shows up. Hooray. Also, idiot scientist is leading the mob. This can only end well.

They go into the barn. make loads of noise and wave some fire around, distressing all the pigs and goats. NO MANNERS.

Scully sees Mutato poke his head out of a door in the house and then they find out that he's a bit of a Cher fan.

More of a casual fan really.

They then find him hiding in a corner.

This is him.

Meanwhile, the angry mob of idiots managed to set the barn on fire. Bloody hell.

Not content with the mess they created in the barn, the mob goes into the house looking for Mutato. I don't like these people. 

They get all mean and call him ugly and repulsive and I like them even less now. 

Scientist douche makes the revelation that the farmer created Mutato! Didn't think he had it in him to do that kind of science but it didn't exactly end well so...

Mutato starts explaining his actions. He says that despite the horrible way he looks, he's never hurt anyone. He says his dad, because his only son was a spiteful and terrible man incapable of real feelings (lookin at you science man), when he found out that he'd created him, he rescued him and loved him as his own in spite of his deformities (that's sweet). His dad wanted to create a mate for him because he couldn't go to school or even leave the farm. He says his dad wasn't able to create anything because he didn't understand science. He says that he is alone and miserable and takes responsibility for his father's death.

Science guy calls him a mistake and we hate him even more now.

Mutato admits that the whole impregnating women thing was wrong but that he was able to learn about the world through their books and records, and that he learned of a mother's love that he would never know. This is actually quite emotional. 

The mob decides that he isn't a monster after all! 

Mulder arrests the science guy because he's awful. 

Suck it hoe.

I'm starting to think Mulder's lost the plot by this point because he thinks Mutato, like Frankenstein, should escape and find a bride. Scully says "not in this story" so Mulder is naturally all "aw hell no, get me the writer".

Cher's cover of Walking in Memphis starts playing as a bunch of cars drive off down a highway.

THEY TOOK HIM TO SEE CHER!!!

HAPPIEST ENDING EVER!!

Happy ending photo montage:

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS!!!

Smiles all around omg

Shana and Mrs Science Guy had their two headed babies and they're on Jerry Springer telling America how much they love them <3

Mutato gets to dance with Cher <3

Mulder and Scully also get to dance and he looks at her like this <333

And like this

And like this....

*creys* 

And no one can understand why they aren't married in real life yet the end.

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Have a screaming Mulder 

- How the Ghosts Stole Christmas 6x08

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A very Sculder Christmas - 6x08 How The Ghosts Stole Christmas

Many thanks to kaianneclews for suggesting this episode! Your wish is my command!

So as with all beloved Christmas stories, creepy organ music and a scary looking house are where we begin. Or is that Halloween?

Just like at my house.

Our darling perennial bachelor Fox Mulder sits alone in his car outside said creepy looking house listening to Christmas songs as lo and behold, Scully shows up! Mulder informs her that they are on a stakeout on Christmas eve because it's an important date. 

R u srs Mulder?! 

Scully has a bit of a complain because it's the night before Christmas but then gives in because Mulder makes his best sad and rejected face so she gets into his car.

Looks like this is about to turn into an 80s teen movie.

But alas, it doesn't and Mulder bangs on about how there's some "story" about the former occupants of the house coming back, so Scully makes fun of him and is all "tell me you didn't bring me out here to go Ghostbusting with you". She tries to escape and as any sane person would, he locks her in the car. Nice.

Mulder tells her the story of Christmas in 1917, the war in Europe and some kind of flu in the US and how it was a time of dark, dark despair. 

Mulder I love you but omg.

So according to Mulder's sad little story, two star crossed lovers who were apparently like angels lived in the house and because they didn't want to ever be separated, they formed a lovers' suicide pact because that's a totally rational response to the potential of separation. 

Anyway, they haunt the house every Christmas eve now and Scully doesn't believe in ghosts which Mulder thinks is crazy because he even believes in the Easter Bunny.

Scully decides to leave, but apparently Mulder has stolen her car keys and wandered off into the house with them. Oh you sly fox you...geddit? 

Mulder actually didn't steal the keys and offers the completely plausible alternative that perhaps the ghosts did it.

Gettin real tired of this Mulder...

As with all traditional haunted house stories, we get lightening flashes, inexplicable wind and the doors slam shut and won't open. Scully reckons it's the totally normal weather forecast. WIND DOESN'T LOCK DOORS DANA. 

Scully insists she isn't afraid but we know she totally is and that Mulder will probably have to rescue her at some point in this episode. It's okay bbz, just let it happen.

GHOST!! She's totes afraid.

To convince herself that she isn't scared she tells Mulder that it's all mind tricks from horror movies. He doesn't care and leaves her alone on the stairs. Apparently it doesn't take an advanced degree in Psychology to know that. She obviously forgets that he has one. Who could blame her, eh?

Apparently creaky doors will make Scully admit she's afraid.

Now she thinks people are living there because the lights are on and there's a fire in the library. Maybe the ghosts don't like the dark, Scully. The house is cursed since every couple who's lived there have killed each other on Christmas eve...so is that why he brought her here?? 

Don't worry Mulder, she loves you anyway.

Mulder thinks the following is appropriate.

No babe.

People might be hiding under the floor boards which by the way were moving on their own. Scully is all "not now". There's a time and a place to rescue people, Mulder, and this isn't it. Gawd.

Also who's face shadow is that on Mulder's butt? It's not Scully...

Hey butt shadow.

Turns out that under the floorboards we have dead Sculder. Which is sad for everyone.

Merry Christmas to them...

Mulder actually finds it very embarrassing for Scully that the dead woman is wearing her outfit. Plan ahead ladies, come on. Scully points out that dead Mulder is wearing the same outfit as alive Mulder, and then it's not so funny for him. They run away into a room that's exactly the same. Freaky? I dunno.

So confused...

Turns out ALL the rooms are the same room!! Dun dun dun.... Mulder walks through a different door assuming he'll walk back into the room but actually they get separated and we get a lot of "SCULLAAAY" shouting going on. Mulder gets locked in and starts shooting at the doors until the angry ghost man is like...excuse you.

Dafuq do u think ur doin??

No respect for private property. Honestly. 

This is where I accidentally ejected the DVD and had to endure the "on this season..." montage and saw Krycek. We need a Krycek episode soon, such a babe.

Anyway, back to the episode! The man seems pretty annoyed that Mulder is running around his house destroying things and asks to show him the door. Mulder gets smart because behind the door is a brick wall which is not the service he signed up for. 

An appropriate reaction when invading someone's house.

Mulder calls him out on being a ghost and gets kind of laughed at.

Hahahaha...yeah.......

Mulder notices that the dead people in the floor hole are gone and seems quite disappointed. We'd probably be relieved but each to their own.

Am I crazy?

Apparently the ghost is shrink and his professional opinion is that yes, Mulder's crazy. He thinks Mulder is a narcissistic, over zealous, self righteous, ego maniac. We just think he needs some Scully love but we aren't psychiatrists. 

He doesn't stop there! Mulder is also obsessive compulsive, a workaholic, antisocial person on a total descent into "total wacko break down". BIT HARSH OLD MAN. Luckily for Fox, we love him just the way he is and so does Dana.

He even makes fun of him about aliens. 

OOOOH TO FAR OLD MAN, TOO FAR

This guy is a real piece of work who keeps laying into Mulder with his psychiatrist mumbo jumbo and thinks people would rather electrocute themselves than hang out with Mulder. Yikes. (Scully's here voluntarily though so it's all good)

The ghost actually calls Mulder out on stealing Scully's car keys - the mystery is solved. He just wants to find Scully, so the old guy leaves. Jerk. No wonder people kill themselves in that house.

Looks like it's Scully's turn to put up with a mean ghost now. 

Screaming and waving guns at people is the best way to say hello.

Ghost lady though Scully was a ghost. Ha. Ha. Scully's all freaked out because they found bodies which are also gone in the room she's in. Coincidence? I dunno.

The old lady tells her that she looks like she's seen a ghost and that there are ghosts in the house. How funny ¬.¬

The woman is pretty mean because she tells Scully that she obviously lives a really small life because she's spending Christmas eve with Mulder looking for ghosts. MAYBE SHE JUST LOVES HIM OKAY?!

Poor Scully is really losing control of this situation.

"Put your hands up" she says.

Well, shit.

Definitely lost it now.

Scully passes out and the ghost couple have a bit of a bicker because they only get one day to haunt people and they just pull crap tricks instead of really messing with their heads. Aggressive foreshadowing of the ghosts of Sculder? We'll never know.

We just really want people to murder each other. Really.

These ghosts have some serious issues. Anyway, they decide to make Mulder and Scully's Christmas really miserable. You know, in the spirit of Christmas. The joy and happiness and giving hooha are all a marketing scheme really.

The ghost woman then leaves to go be mean to Mulder. 

Do he got the booty?

Mulder's having none of it and tries to leave, but runs into another brick wall. He's a bit mean and calls her old. You never call a woman old, Mulder. Manners. Come on. 

She tells him he and Scully should have discussed their real feelings for each other. Even she gets it. Then she shows him her scary wound.

I don't show my hole to just anyone.

That's a real line from the episode and Mulder doesn't want to see her hole. She talks about how they probably have a lover's pact and Mulder says "we're not lovers" and makes this sad face.

But I wish we were...

Meanwhile, Scully wakes up locked in the library with the old guy. Because he's just so much fun. She keeps saying this is all in her head so the old guy is all "yet here you are waving a gun at me".

Good point bro.

He tells her how awful and disturbed Mulder is but she doesn't care because she loves him. Mulder's screaming "SCULLAAAY" through the door and on her way out, the ghost offers her the car keys.

Don't know about you guys but I'm a bit confused as to who actually took them in the first place.

Scully's as annoyed as us about the keys and wants to know where he got them from. He just bangs on about Mulder being awful some more so I don't think we'll ever find out about the keys.

He insists that they are going to kill each other and then opens the door and Mulder shoots Scully.

MULDER WHAT THE HELL!

He seems to have gone crazy and is shooting stuff around the room, going on about how there's no getting out of that place for them. Great. He didn't actually shoot her btw, but looks like he's going to and starts shouting about loneliness.

He's lost it.

Then he shoots her.

DICK MOVE MULDER

Scully can hardly believe what happens and dramatically lies down on the floor as Mulder holds a gun to his head. BUT WAIT!

WHAT

It's actually the old ghost woman posing as Mulder! That's a pretty neat trick but still not very nice. 

Meanwhile, real Mulder is still running around screaming "SCULLAAAY" and then finds Scully all wounded on the floor. She's all "I can't believe you shot me" and then shoots him. 

This episode is really one for over dramatic reactions.

Once again, it was old lady McGhost posing as the shooter. She thinks it's hilarious by the way. 

Some Christmas music starts playing and Sculder try to drag their bloody selves out of the house. 

What a mess.

They start pointing guns at each other because what else is there left to do? Have an argument about who shot who, that's what. Then Mulder's all "hang on, this isn't real" and no one is actually shot and dying so they get the hell out of there. 

All clean. This has been an ad for Persil whitening washing powder.

The ghosts then sit and reminisce about the whole Sculder in their house ordeal and then are all cute in front of the fire.

Until you remember that they just tried to get two people killed.

Mulder then sits alone in his apartment watching A Christmas Carol which I by the way can't stand, not even with Patrick Stewart. 

Maybe the mean old man was right.

Someone's at the door and it's Scully who can't sleep. They have a little chat about what happened at the house and look a bit sad and then Scully says "Maybe I did want to be out there with you" YEAH SHE DID!

Aw yiss.

They then get extremely cute exchanging gifts and no one can stand it because it's just SO ADORABLE. 

The End.

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Ghosts Who Stole Christmas and then the Postmodern Prometheus to come :)

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Off to bed but pretty please someone suggest a favourite episode for capping :) ??

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25 posts! Look it y'all

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the best thing about mulder and scully’s relationship is that it just doesn’t appear out of nowhere. it’s not awkward or unsound. it’s forged over time out of the need to keep one another alive because they’re imperative to each other’s survival. and that right there is a really good type of relationship.

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Hello! I'm sorry I've neglected the blog a bit! I'm a kinda bored of going through series 1 (I know I've only done 6 episodes...yikes!) SO I'm thinking of recapping them in random order and letting you all have the first pick.

Requests?

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Shadows - sorry I can't think of a clever name for this one. X-Files 1x06 - Shadows

Here we have another monster of the week style episode. Is anyone else starting to miss the aliens just a little bit?

We are greeted by the sounds of a sniffling woman as we pan across the desk of Howard Graves. Apparently this guy was homies with Bill Clinton, and looks a lot like Death from Supernatural. How cool is that guy? 

Bill, your time has come.

Looks like it wasn't Bill's time at all since he's still around and Howard's the one who bit the big one. The sniffling woman was a young lady called Lauren who is packing up his office after Howard killed himself - dramz. She seems really quite distraught about the whole ordeal so this scary red haired woman tries to make her feel better with money which doesn't appear to help. 

GOD Jane you're SO stupid.

Lauren is about to leave when an ornament on Howard's desk moves on its own. Do I smell a ghost?  Lauren toddles off home and stops by an ATM, being attacked by a guy who copied AC Slater's hair from Saved by the Bell and Lionel Richie's mustache. Early 90s fashion was so cruel. Anyway, she's being attacked and screaming bloody murder which is a little alarming and then 2 hours later, some teenagers come by, looking at a dumpster (I dunno) and attempting to break into to a building when they find Lauren's assailant hanging upside down from the fire escape and some other guy falls into the dumpster! Dun dun dun shocking! Opening credits....

Mulder and Scully are dragged out to Bethesday Military Hospital in what looks to be the middle of the night to examine some bodies because Chief Blevins says they have to co-operate with some mysterious suit people. Chief Blevins sucks. The bodies are still warm and have twitchy arms despite being dead for 6 hours, which Scully seems horrified by and frankly, so are we. The medical examiner says the throats were crushed from the inside and no one seems to want to answer Mulder's question so he starts getting annoyed, all the while probably being relieved that at least this time he won't be the one Scully's annoyed with for having to go God knows where in the middle of the night. 

They leave, having told the mysterious suit people that they've never seen anything like it. Scully can tell Mulder was lying because she knows him oh so well and Mulder gets excited about how this all happened by psychokinesis. We then get the following zinger from Agent Scully: 

Oh Dana <3

Mulder tells her that yes Scully, that is exactly what he means because the Russians and Chinese are doing it secretly, so secretly in fact that he knows about it. In the elevator, this happens.

Don't look so concerned Scully.

  Apparently Mulder is doing this to show her some fingerprints on his glasses and not to hit on her, or maybe the glasses thing was just a cover up for hitting on her because she reacted kind of funny.

The next morning, Lauren is wearing a dress that looks like curtains.

Still not as bad as that thing Kim Kardashian wore.

This annoying woman lectures her about being late for work and how she can't get away with it now that Mr Dorland is in charge. Lauren wants to talk to this guy, annoying woman says no so the ghost knocks her coffee over and she freaks the fuck out. And that's a lesson in karma. Or not. Moving on... Defying the annoying woman, Lauren tells Mr Dorland she's giving her notice to quit and he gets a bit rapey sounding about how she's not alone and they share something special and how he feels close to her and so she shouldn't quit. I'm pretty sure this is sexual harassment in the work place and this is when you should complain to HR.The ghost gets annoyed at this guy being such a creep so he tightens his bracelet to cause him some pain and Lauren runs away.

Sculder do some digging on the dead guys and find that they were criminals who were part of an extremist group called the Isfahan. Cute name, eh? Anyway, since they were based in Philly, we head down there to chat to a friendly cop about how he found the bodies and Mulder decides to get the CCTV tape from the nearby ATM. Such a smart cookie this one <3.

They find Lauren being attacked on tape and Mulder sees the ghost on the tape! Scully makes the perfectly reasonable suggestion that it's probably another person but Mulder is all "nah it ain't". Obviously. He's totally right but that isn't the point. 

Scully: R u serious Mulder?!  Mulder: Yeeeeeeh.

They go talk to Lauren who politely tries to get rid of them but Mulder barges in her house anyway. Sometimes it's like you were raised in a barn, Mulder. Didn't anyone teach you any manners?? Scully gives her photos of the two guys who attacked her, asking if she's seen them before and she says no. What a little liar. Scully knows it so she tells her to have another little look see. She still says no so Scully calls her out on it and shows her a photo of her getting attacked. This is a lesson in not lying to the FBI.

They ask if she knows who the shadowy person in the background is and she says no so Mulder asks if she does know because with this one, we've already seen that no means yes. She still says no so Mulder gives her his card and tells her to call him any time. In front of Scully. AGAIN WITH THE MANNERS MULDER.

Sculder get in their car, calling bullshit on everything Lauren said (because it is) and then all of a sudden their car gets a mind of its own, reversing and hitting another car and a bush. Ghost man is displeased. Apparently the car is brand new so well done for wrecking that you guys. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it but the car lights are on because of electrostatic charge like the dead guys from before. Mulder thinks a poltergeist did it because of psychokinetic power. I wonder what it would be like to spend a whole day with this guy.

After a bit of digging on Lauren, they find that she's clean apart from a bit of credit card debt. They sit in a car watching her yell at some poor guy who was replacing Howard Graves' parking spot with someone else's name, SO we go to investigate Howard. Looks like Lauren was his secretary and that's three people dead in the last month that had something to do with her. Shady. At a cemetery, they find Howard buried next to his daughter who would have been Lauren's age which then makes this whole scenario that little bit weirder. Lauren didn't talk to her parents either so...yeah.

At Lauren's house, she wakes up in the middle of the night to noises in her bathroom to find that her bathtub has come alive and is bleeding and talking! 

The bathtub's name is Howard and she's sad he's injured.

What it actually is, is that Howard's ghost is revealing that he was actually murdered in such a way that it would look like a suicide. I think he could have left a note instead of making such a mess of the tub but whatever.

Because Scully refuses to believe in ghosts, she thinks Howard faked his own death. Naturally, Mulder's all "shut up Scully he's not Elvis, gawd". Really. 

I don't think this woman is kidding around Dana. Sorry.

They run some tests on preserved tissue and yes, he is indeed very dead.

I guess its two weeks later now because Lauren Kyte is having her going away party. She goes into what I'm assuming was Howard's office and then rapey boss guy whose name I can't remember comes in and shuts the door behind him. This can only end well. He kind of threatens her because Howard told her something she shouldn't know (?) and she's all "yeah well I know you killed him so...." and he gets kind of mad and tries to assault her but she runs away and phones Mulder to invite him over to her house. Tramp. 

At Lauren's house, she goes to the door expecting Mulder but the ghost keeps locking the front door because some henchmen have showed up to kill her...I'm assuming. One of them's actually a woman. Anyway they break in, the guy tells the woman to go run the bath so they can kill her and Howard the ghost explodes some lightbulbs and Lauren starts screaming. The ghost throws some furniture around and the henchwoman tries to get away but he grabs her by the throat, strangling her as Lauren shouts "no" a lot. The guy then gets slapped around by the ghost some as Sculder show up to save the day - hooray! 

Mulder bursts in, this happens and as always, Scully misses it.

It's okay Fox, we understand your frustration with her skepticism.

Later, Lauren gets taken in for some questioning and sort of sits there like a petulant child and refuses to say anything to Scully.

You're not my real mom.

The suit people from earlier show up to scold Sculder for getting in the way of their investigation and they have a little stand off until Sculder storm off and the suit people confess that they think Howard and rapey man's company sold things to the Isfahan and that Sculder are ruining everything for them.

Gotta love a reunion.

Lauren still doesn't really say anything so they let her leave. I don't like her, she's so blehhh. She then decides to talk because she's scared of her house and the ghost that's protecting her or something. Seems like Howard was a real nice guy who was protective of his employees and was upset that his company was going under. One day rapey guy shows up with the Isfahan and then Howard got upset that they were killing people and his business was involved and that's why she thought he killed himself until he showed her by making a mess of her bathroom. 

Scully seems to be able to get Lauren to be willing to help because she wants to stop Dorland the rapey man from doing business with terrorists and Mulder reacts as only Mulder can. 

You cannot be serious, Mulder.

Scully sort of tells him to shut up because they are going to stop the criminals whether he likes is or not and they will not be chasing ghosts. So, they get a warrant to search the office where Lauren works to look for the data incriminating Dorland. Lauren has to help and I don't get a good feeling about this. 

They can't really find anything, the other agents get kind of annoyed with Mulder because they spent a year on this case and it's all gone to crap now. In Dorland's office, Mulder gets in the middle of an argument between Lauren and Dorland who calls her a stupid bitch which, I think, was quite unnecessary. Douchebag. The ghost then shuts the door and starts strangling him and blowing up some more lights. Scully can't get in the room and misses the whole thing, again. 

It all gets a bit crazy and papers start flying all over the room and the ghost is threatening Dorland with a letter opener.

This is almost as bad as the dog eating the birthday cake in the last episode.

It's okay though, the ghost uses the letter opener to rip up the wallpaper instead and then cools it with the flying papers. Scully nearly falls in the room and recovers by fixing her hair and commenting on the mess in the room. 

As with the mess in the tub, a note would have sufficed here.

Mulder pulls a floppy disk out of the wall (remember those?) and Dorland will be sent to trial - hooray! Lauren thanks Sculder and drives away from her house and Mulder tries to get Scully to take him to see the Liberty Bell because he's never seen it bless him. 

Lauren gets a new job and insists on still trying to dress like Kim Kardashian. 

Why?

She still keeps Howard's ornament thing on her desk which is a little weird and that's where we leave it, although I probably speak for everyone when I say I'd have preferred to finish by watching Mulder and Scully's Liberty Bell date.