sealgirl96-blog

[sealgirl96-blog]

wednesday 11th january 2017, 20:02

So, this was meant to be a daily journal, but I haven’t written for over a month... sorry! Long story short, the wifi did cut out, just in perfect timing for finals, which literally drained me (I think I must have pulled at least 4 all-nighters in the space of a week... even the regulars at the 24hr café began to recognise me). Then I spent Christmas with Mum in Quebec, went back to London for New Years’ for a week, and now I’m back this side of the Atlantic again. Although I do wish I’d updated on the past few week as it was happening, I hate for diary entries to just be massive catch-ups, so I’m just going to write about the very recent past. (There aren’t any hugely exciting gaps to fill in, don’t worry.)

I flew back on Saturday. It’s weird coming back to Canada this time around. Remembering how last time I made that journey, and travelled what felt like a huge, huge distance, I had absolutely no idea what the next four months held; what the city looked and felt like, where I would live, what school would be like, and I didn’t even know a single person. Now this time, having done a long-haul flight to London a week prior, the journey didn’t seem that arduous, I just whiled the hours away on the plane snoozing and watching Sex and the City, then hopped off (no painfully long immigration to go through), and took two buses to my cosy little apartment and bed. How can somewhere that once felt so unknown feel just like home?

I can’t lie, I’m quite glad to be back. I’m always less sad about that than I think I will be - leaving Mum, leaving London, and knowing it’s going to be for a while. Since this is the longest and the furthest away I’ve ever been, it’s hard to know whether it’s just because I like this place, or because I underestimated my capacity for not getting homesick. Maybe both.

I don’t miss London right now. I don’t think I was there long enough to really get into the swing of things. When I first got back, I hated it. It felt like I was wearing grey-tinted glasses - I know it was especially foggy that day, but in comparison to here it just seemed so dirty, grey, and polluted. I was walking down Holloway Road, thinking, did I really grow up here? I honestly think you just become accustomed to it when you live there. And then when you consider the fact that I pay 1/4 of the rent I would pay living in London, and for a nice place, in a great area, too. I do love London because it’s London and it’s home, but living there at this (financially unstable) stage in your life is becoming harder and harder to justify.

Seeing my friends soon alleviated my sadness though, and I can’t lie, NYE was good. Just got extremely waved with the girls and went to some punk night in Hackney. We thought it might be a risk, punk, but it wasn’t even bad at all, and they were playing other stuff too. They played David Bowie - Let’s Dance when it turned 2017. Hanging out with good friends is the one thing I do miss, and regret not doing more of last week. I had this shitty flu which incapacitated me for a few days (probably that London pollution) and NYE was the only night I actually went out. It’s bittersweet in a way, because I did want to come back here, but then that had to be in the knowledge that I wouldn’t see certain people for a really long time.

Class started this week. I’ve liberally arranged my timetable so that I have Monday and Friday off, and I know I won’t regret that later on. Since last term was quite challenging, I was going to try and only take easier modules this term, but that turned out to be a logical impossibility, especially if I wanted those two days off. I know it sounds like I’m just trying to cut corners, but it’s more like I’m just trying to not make life unnecessarily hard for myself, because I’m finding studying in a foreign language quite hard as it is. It’s a pass/fail year and all modules are weighted equally, so I would get the same amount of credits for an easier module as I would a harder one. But anyway, I just ended up with 2 harder / 2 easier like last term (sorry, boring, who cares, I’m literally just writing this for my own benefit, ok.) The term ahead does look quite difficult, but it could be manageable. I just wish I had a stronger work ethic. As it stands, I literally have the worst work ethic known to mankind.

Last night I went for drinks with three of the Brits and one Canadian. It was Tom’s birthday incidentally, but I don’t think he would have done anything for it if Rory hadn’t otherwise suggested drinks. I do like Rory, but the others... it’s like I said before... I find it hard to have a connection with people with whom the sole basis of our friendship is nationality. As a result, the banter was a little bit dead. We went to the (really corny) Irish pub because Rory’s friend worked there. Who doesn’t work at the Irish pub, to be honest? It’s actually such a small world, this city. The Canadian guy we were with also works there, my ex-flatmate Nick works there and my also-now-ex-flatmate Mary’s friend Tony who I went on one date with and never spoke to again works there. I was praying the latter wouldn’t be there as it would have made for a very awkward encounter... I guess my prayers were answered, thanks, God!

Rors convinced us all to go on this ski trip... I’ve never skied, I’m so so scared o of making an ass out of myself, but apparently people mainly go for the atmosphere. We would all share a chalet and I think it would actually be super fun. It’s also quite cheap (for a ski trip) but my heart rate does increase slightly when I think about my finances over the coming months. I can’t currently get a job on my visa, but I mean to send it off and hopefully have it amended so that I can - but even still, I don’t know how easy it would be to find one, not being perfectly bilingual. With NYC and now possibly this ski trip, my bank account is really not looking pleased with me at the moment. I transferred some of my savings over, but my student loan mainly served to clear my overdraft. This one time, AB said that he wanted to take a trip to Iceland this summer - and I know it was just said in passing and he’s probably forgotten, but obviously it’s stuck in my mind since. If he was still up for going, and I couldn’t afford it, that would be a serious bummer. And if he offered to help me pay or something, that would just be awkward! He’s not my sugar daddy! Anyway, I’m getting way ahead of myself here. We shall even have to see about the ski trip, as Agata might not even be able to go since it’s in Vermont, and unlike us Brits, she can’t get a visa waiver to travel to the States. I don’t think I would go if she doesn’t.

In other news, we have a new flatmate, Josie, who has replaced Mary. It’s hard to gauge too much this early on, but the more time I spend with her, the more I begin to miss Mary. I mean, for example, she just wandered into my room to ask me to wash up my dishes in the sink, from a few hours ago. A) Has she heard of knocking? B) Is she my mother? C) Not all of those dishes were mine, in fact, some of them were hers from dinner last night, and D) Does it even matter, does it need to be done this instant?! Mary would never do that!!  The thing about the old set-up before Josie is that we were all on the same wavelength. I could sense it from the first time I met those guys. There was kind of a mutual understanding that we were all as ‘messy’ as one another (which isn’t even that messy, by the way.) I knew from the initial skype interview with Josie that she wasn’t quite on our wavelength, and it’s already beginning to show in subtle ways. This is why I much preferred the other flatmate candidate, Emma, but the votes were in Josie’s favour. I just hope it doesn’t culminate in one big argument or something one day.

To be fair, I suppose you could do a lot worse for a flatmate. I should be thankful that she’s clean and tidy and doesn’t like, play the drums or something. She also invited me to her friend’s gig tomorrow, so I guess that’s nice. It’s a brother and sister duo, though. Um, no comment.

P.S. By the way, in case anyone cared (they definitely didn’t), I’m not pregnant. I had two massive spells of bleeding over Christmas (I guess you could call it the festive period lmao - sorry, worst joke ever...) I swear I always think I’m pregnant, maybe subconsciously I love the drama. But what the fuck is the mini pill doing to my hormones, that I can just have random, really long, really heavy periods? It makes me want to go back to the combined, so that I can regulate my periods - but then I couldn’t smoke. Or ideally, stop loading my body up with artificial hormones altogether, but then I would just have to have regular periods, and use a condom on the rare occasion that I get laid. Is there any ideal form of birth control? Someone help!

[sealgirl96-blog]

Hows everything going? This is @bird-theflu btw

hey : ) ok, thank u for asking, hope ur going well!

i feel so bad for neglecting this thing but our wifi cut out and then finals hit can’t wait 2 update next week

[sealgirl96-blog]

thursday 24th november 2016, 16:41

I can feel myself going into hibernation. We had the first snow this week, which is beautiful, and I love walking around in the snow knowing it will still be there the next day and I don’t have to make the most of it while I can, like we do at home. But when I’m inside and it’s all toasty, and boy, is our little apartment toasty, I just want to sink into my mattress sometimes and not return until spring. This is probably detrimental to my studies. Finals are nearing now, they’re on my radar but just far enough away for me to keep pushing the stress to the back of my mind. I wish I wasn’t like this. If i really wanted to do well I would have started studying probably two weeks ago.

I did leave that assignment until Wednesday night as predicted. We went out for dinner for Naomi’s birthday, which was super chill, I love spending time with the roomies, but I had the knowledge that I’d barely written any of my assignment hanging over my head, so I couldn’t really relax that much. I’m actually sad that Mary is moving out quite soon, things change so fast around here. But it does mean I can move out of my windowless room, yay!

In a moment of madness, I kinda missed mayo boy last night. Also I did when I was drunk last weekend. What does this mean??? I don’t know why, and I can’t even get into that headspace now. I get an intense feeling of longing but then it’s gone just as quickly as it came. It’s probably because it’s below zero and I’m still starved of physical contact and intimacy. It’s been bearable up to this point, and of course the interlude with AB helped, but come the end of December it will have been more than four months out here and I’ll be quite ready for my trip home.

Another thing, I’m going to stop hashtagging these posts for a while, I think. I know the chance is super super slim, but I’m so paranoid that someone I know will find this. It’s both extremely embarrassing and incriminating. I think I’d die if certain people found this. If you knew where to look, it actually wouldn’t be hard to find at all. There aren’t a huge amount of posts that use these tags. But I also don’t want to make it private because I like the idea that someone random might read it, just as I love getting insights into other people’s lives who I don’t know. Anyway, I’ll keep it on the down low for now.

[sealgirl96-blog]

sunday 20th november 2016, 20:33

Last night was way wilder than I intended it to be. Because I wasn’t feeling that up to going out, I was planning on trying to escape early, and just come home and watch Sex and the City in bed, but I ended up staying out until 8am, for fuck’s sake! It started off at my university’s halls of residence, where this one other British girl on exchange is staying. There were more Brits there than I’ve seen all in one place since being in London. It was nice in a way, but also not. Like, it was comforting, but then again I don’t really like the idea of just sticking with people who also happen to be studying abroad from the same country as me, just for the sake of it. I can understand if you’re somewhere where there’s a big cultural difference and language barrier with the locals, and to be fair I probably would have done that if I were in France, but somewhere as bilingual as Montreal there is really no excuse. I do like some of the Brits, I have to say... but with most of them all we have in common is nationality, which is not quite strong enough grounds for a friendship, if you ask me. 

I am glad I didn’t live in halls this year, though. I feel like I’m too old for it, and also it would be difficult to mingle with the Québécois. Last night at the pre-drinks there was such a strong divide in the room, and as much as I want to make Québécois friends, it would’ve been weird if I just walked up and talked to one of them. I feel like if I had lived there I probably would have just ended up with Brits all the time. I definitely prefer it this way... and I’m really, really not being smug or snooty or anything. I’m just glad to live with people I genuinely get on with, and not to have to force a friendship based on nationality. It just feels like a more genuine experience of living in another country, so I’m grateful for that. And - I’m slightly ashamed to admit - I kind of secretly enjoy being unique? It’s weird, I spend most of the time in my own little Canadian bubble, used to being the ‘random British girl’, and then every once a month or so I hang out with the Brits and it’s just like being in the UK again. It’s nicer in the bubble, to be honest. It was like that in the States, when we went to AB’s hometown, which is small with a sort of parochial-type attitude I think, and every time I opened my mouth someone would say, “Oh my god, where are you from!” or “Is that your real accent?!” or something like that... and I guess it would’ve been slightly annoying after a while, but the narcissist in me revelled in those people taking an interest in me, especially about something which to me is so mundane.

So, anyway, we were supposed to go to some club, and we were in a massive group, but when we got there there was already a huge line and the bouncers were saying it was at full capacity. Agata and Rory didn’t really like the club anyway, and they wanted to go to this other place, Stereo. I was up for it, and I was quite drunk as I’d consumed a whole bottle of wine at pres, so us three and this other guy, Tom (I think) ditched the club to go to Stereo. To be honest, the night is quite a blur from there. I can’t really talk myself, but A is quite a bad influence when it comes to always wanting to keep the party going. To think I was planning on going home and going to bed at a fairly reasonable hour... yet there I was, snorting coke in the toilets, buying pills, going on to another club... I’m so reckless with money when I’m fucked! A’s friend was at this other club, which stayed open way later, so we were hanging out with him there, and then at around probably 6 or so we got an uber back to his and chilled out and smoked weed for a couple of hours. Then A and I ubered home. 

I’m such a fucking MESS. When I came in this morning, I probably woke my flatmate and her boyfriend up because I stumbled into my room and knocked loads of things over. Then I fell asleep watching an episode of New Girl, and sort of lucid dreamed for a bit, which was weird. I was flat out until past 2pm, and all day I’ve been in a near-vegetative state. My flatmate’s boyfriend saw me coming out of my room in my pyjamas in the afternoon and gave me the dodgiest look. I wonder what my flatmates think of me, sometimes. They are fun, but they’re also all in their final year, and one even hopes to graduate this semester, so they’re at quite a sensible point in their lives. I, on the other hand, am on my year abroad, which as my BFF says, is “the Saturday of your degree”.

I ordered take away from Aux Vivres, and that and a kombucha sorted me right out. I feel fine now, but I’m annoyed at myself for wasting a whole day. Anyone reading this, I’m sorry... I just sound so lazy and out of control. I can be good sometimes, I promise!

[sealgirl96-blog]

saturday 19th november 2016, 16:39

I went out last night with two of my flatmates plus one boyfriend, to this underground hip hop show thing. It should have been alright in theory, like the venue and the music were decent, but in practice it was sort of just one of those nights where it was more effort than it was worth. The amount of time that we spent inside wasn’t really worth the cold walk there, the 20 minute wait and $2.50 for coat check, and the similarly long line for the one sole bathroom there was. Plus, it was like a sauna inside, but you couldn’t really escape for a cigarette without queueing up for ages again to retrieve your coat, which you would definitely need out there. Also, I know this is a controversial opinion, but I find painfully middle-class white art ‘crowds’ quite unbearable. The show was in a gallery-type space so there were heaps of them there. They just dance really awkwardly and look really moody the whole time, and all have the same haircut. And there is always a slight air of superiority and smugness... not that you can tar everyone with the same brush, obviously. It was nice to hang out with my flatmates, though.

I always wonder, on nights out, what it’s like to be really pretty and be approached by guys. It’s not that I feel entitled to anyone’s affections, I am honestly just wondering. Whenever I get with someone, I tend to have to put in a fair amount of graft. I am never one of those people with offers flying at me left right and centre. Some of my friends will get out of one relationship and will suddenly have like three new options to pursue. Me, on the other hand... I just feel like my default status is single. I am not feeling sorry for myself, nor do I have low self esteem, I am simply stating the empirical facts as they are. I can just feel guys looking right beyond me sometimes, as if I’m not there. I feel like my opinions don’t matter as much to them, not that I should care, but it’s still jarring. If a guy wants to get past me in a club, there’s no “oh, excuse me”, it’s shove right through. The fact of the matter is, so much of women’s value is based on their appearance, and you do get treated better if you are deemed more attractive. I can even register the slight, but noticeable, differences between how I am treated now, compared to as an ugly-ass teen (although this could also be down to the age of the boys in question). The same does not apply to guys... perhaps to an extent, but they are more likely to be able to get by on just being smart, or funny. A positive is, if you have to get to know someone before getting with them then you know they’re not shallow and just dating you for superficial reasons.

On the way out of the gallery place I ran into Agata, and stayed and had a cigarette with her in the smoking area. She was on her way to some other place, and asked if I wanted to come, but I said I was tired, and also we’re meant to be going out tonight as well, so I wanted to conserve my energy. I would rather not go out tonight if I’m honest... in fact I long to just chill out and watch Netflix in bed, but I feel like I can’t flake on these plans. I’ll just try and not stay out until late. I genuinely can’t remember if I used to have more energy than this, or if I just had more motives to go out, for example because it was with people I liked more or felt closer to? I’m sure last year I would’ve without a doubt been able to manage both Friday and Saturday night without feeling too drained. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore. I’ve googled it so many times, and it keeps coming up with depression mainly, but I’m sure it’s not that because the main symptom of depression is being sad, and I don’t feel sad. I’ve googled other things about chronic fatigue, and I think it is probably at least in part to do with the lack of iron in my diet. As I said, I have started on the iron tablets, but it’s definitely not cured it. I slept in until past noon today, and I still had to drag myself out of bed. I do eat spinach and kale, but maybe not enough. 

Perhaps I’m pregnant!? I don’t have any of the main symptoms, so it’s probably unlikely, but I always have that underlying fear. I mean, I am quite bloated... and I don’t get periods on the progesterone-only pill, so I wouldn’t be able to notice that way. Maybe I should buy a test to be 100% sure. I’d be so fucking screwed if I was. Hopefully my medical insurance would cover an abortion. It would either be mayo boy’s or my flatmate’s gross doughy friend from work with the long-term girlfriend’s [disclaimer: I did not know about the girlfriend at the time]. Excluding ridiculous extremes like Kim Jong-un and Rolf Harris, I really struggle to think of two worse potential fathers. Plus, the gene pool is hardly favourable. I guess there could be a tiny chance it was AB’s, but I feel like that was too recent for symptoms to show yet, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been feeling fatigued since before then. In that case, however, I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to the abortion clinic. Maybe that wouldn’t be too bad, actually. He’s certainly of appropriate fathering age. He could get a UK visa, or I get a green card, and we live happily ever after. Ok, I need to stop getting carried away...

Also, no one told me the “clam” in Mott’s Clamato was actual clam broth?! I thought the “cl” part of the name stood for like celery and lettuce, or some other vegetable... I can’t believe I’ve been accidentally breaking my veganism for fucking clam broth!

[sealgirl96-blog]

thursday 17th november 2016, 20:56

I wish I had more drive. I can do maybe two pages of reading in French at a time max, then I just feel exhausted and have to do something else. How do people have discipline for this sort of thing? Also today when I tried to do laundry I found out apparently the place isn’t open on Thursdays, although I was able to walk right in and the guy just looked at me like, “duh, we’re not open, why are you here”, as if there wasn’t a massive “open” sign on the front door. So now I have no clean duvet or pillow covers and I had to lug my massive bag of dirty laundry around whilst carrying shopping as well.

It may sound like I’m in a bad mood, I’m actually not, I’m just complaining for complaint’s sake, and all this stuff is to be understood in the knowledge that I am very much content with life at the moment and grateful for everything I have. Just, nothing much of interest happened today. Maybe I’m complaining here because I have no one to complain to right now? It’s 9pm and I’m home alone. I thought I had three flatmates, where are they? Two of them have boyfriends, I suppose, and two have jobs. I, on the other hand, have neither. It’s weird, because I feel like I have a fair amount of friends here (I guess)... well, enough, anyway, but then sometimes during the week it can be so easy to just go without much social interaction at all. I’m not friends with any of the Québécois at school, my flatmates usually leave early in the morning and come home late in the evening (if at all), and I don’t usually hang out with my other friends much during the week. You really notice the difference on the rare occasions that all my flatmates are in, and we have time for a conversation, and even if it’s not a long one you just go to bed feeling so much more satisfied.

And don’t even get me started on physical contact, that’s something I definitely feel deprived of at the moment. I saw a post on here the other day about how starvation of physical contact is a real thing because humans aren’t intended, biologically, to be as physically detached from one another as we are. At home there’s always my mum or a friend if I need a hug, but here I haven’t quite crossed that boundary with anyone. And this is super tragic, but sometimes I buy this buddha wrap thing from this vegan place around the corner, and the texture of the wrap feels so much like human skin that it always gives me a pang of isolation. 

I had stuffed peppers for dinner today, they were alright. The gross thing about this mice problem we have is that whenever you use the oven, you can smell this weird odour which is almost definitely some poor mouse, which has got stuck somewhere behind the oven, slowly roasting. The positive is, the roasting mouse smell is quite a good indicator of the oven being hot enough to put something in.

It is so much easier to keep a journal on here, I’m glad I started this thing, as much as I prefer hard copies of stuff and so badly wanted to fill a pretty moleskine (which incidentally, as I learnt, is in fact vegan!) to the end. You flow so much better when you type, and handwriting large amounts of text is so time-consuming and makes me feel like I’m getting carpal tunnel. Maybe this is the reason I’ve never been able to keep a diary well?

[sealgirl96-blog]

wednesday 16th november 2016, 23:52

Today was pretty mediocre, but I’m gonna write anyway because I’ve got into the swing of writing daily so I may as well try and keep it up. I managed to heave myself out of bed this morning for class, which shouldn’t feel like an achievement but it always does. I just hate early morning starts because I’m not a morning person at all so I always sleep in until the last second possible which leaves me with very little time to get dressed / do my makeup / eat breakfast etc, so I usually just end up going to class looking like shit and feeling hungry. (I know I complained about evening classes as well, I probably sound like a right ungrateful cow. But why can’t we just have all classes between the hours of like 12 and 5?)

Aside from my snacking habits I think I’ve been eating more healthily recently which is good. Juice is my one vice though, I drink it quite a lot even though I know it’s got tons of sugar in. I don’t think I’ll ever be really healthy because I love juice, coffee and cigarettes too much. Oh, and I’m not a massive fan of exercise either, but I intend to become one at some point.

Last night I stayed up late talking to AB on facebook. I really needed to go to bed, but if he was up for continuing a conversation there was no way I was going to miss out. I told him he was more beautiful than the beaver moon that occurred the other night. I think that was definitely far too keen of me, but sometimes you just want to say these things and can’t contain them. I put loads of emojis afterwards to try and make it sound less keen. I did mean it, though. Do boys even like receiving compliments like that?

[sealgirl96-blog]

how are you?

I am well : ) thank you for asking!

[sealgirl96-blog]

tuesday 15th november 2016, 17:38

I decided to skip class today. I should be on my way there right now, but I’m not. These 6pm classes really kill me. It’s already fully dark when I leave the house, so it’s a cold, dark, half an hour walk to sit at the back of a sleepy, underground classroom for three hours and not understand a lot of what’s being lectured to me about Québécois nationalist literature. I reckon I can afford to miss this one... the book’s quite short and doesn’t look too heavy so I can probably sort of work it out for myself when the time comes; I was planning to skip either this class or last week’s anyway when we were supposed to be going to a hockey game; I haven’t skipped this class for a while; and of course the classic justification that I’ve used so many times already this year - that since I don’t understand a great deal, I would barely even benefit from going in. The pros of staying home just about outweigh the cons on this one.

I was mainly going to justify staying home so that I could work on my assignment due Thursday, which I did and still do intend to do this evening, but I now realise the deadline’s been pushed back to next Thursday, so knowing myself it probably won’t get finished until next Wednesday night. In summary, basically, I’m a lazy piece of shit. Wretched Taurus sun AND moon.

I keep thinking about my diaries from this time last year, and wishing I had them to compare then and now. Unfortunately the months of around September to January were lost when my laptop at the time died and took the hard drive with it. I still have the hard drive so I might (probably a tiny chance) be able to extract them someday. That would be fun, like a time capsule. I’d probably be hoping for something interesting, though, and it would actually turn out to be quite mundane. It’s weird how difficult it is, at this stage in your life, to predict where you’ll be in a year’s time. A year ago I would have barely been able to make any sort of accurate prediction about my life now (apart from what I hoped would be my location and occupation), and the same goes for me now about next year. At least this thing is online, and not on some ill-fated hard drive, so I’ll be able to look back and see. Hey, future me, how’s it going?

[sealgirl96-blog]

monday 14th november 2016, 22:43

LOVE?

I’m making a mixtape for my “lover”. In CD-form, not cassette, though I know that’s still old school, and I’m going to mail it to him. I’m not usually a romantic person... I know I have the potential to be, but it takes time: I definitely don’t wear my heart on my sleeve (to use a tired phrase), or just fall head-over-heels for anybody. Sometimes I wish I was a bit less inhibited in that sense, willing to take more risks, but that’s just not me. That’s also why I’m always very hesitant to label any feelings I ever have for someone as ‘love’, including these ones I have now. Because you never know, maybe it’s infatuation, maybe it’s lust, maybe it’s just a very big crush. For me it’s too early to tell. Whatever it is, though, it feels good for once. 

It sounds cliché, but a lot of song lyrics suddenly make sense to me. I’m having to reign myself in with this mixtape, I want to fill it with Barry White, Aretha Franklin and the Isley Brothers et al. from start to finish. But I don’t want to startle him. I’m still at the stage where I have to play it cool and watch myself around him. As much as it’s nice being in the stage where you’re completely comfortable around someone, I think if that happens too early it might mean you’re more suited to a platonic relationship... the fact that you’re not making an effort shows you don’t really care enough about what they think about you. 

Logistically, the ‘completely comfortable’ stage will probably never come for us, thanks to circumstances. After next summer we won’t be living on the same continent, and as it stands, we don’t even live in the same country. The time we’ll be able to spend together will be limited, and in short bursts. After I move back, maybe he’ll visit... hopefully at least once, but after that, then what? Who knows. I could never see him again. To look on the bright side, though, it means I’ll always get this buzz that I have now when we do see each other. I’ll never get bored or negligent. When I think of him it will always be Barry White, Aretha Franklin and the Isley Brothers.

As much as I dislike this quality in myself and wish I was a bit more carefree with my emotions etc etc, I am generally a sensible and rational person, and find myself constantly having to take a step back and check myself with this whole thing. Am I being ridiculous? Can I really have feelings for someone I haven’t really had a great deal of time to get to know? Am I overestimating the whole thing? It would really help if I knew how he felt about me. He’s probably much more in control of his feelings. He’s older than me and seems like someone who’s very in control of his own life, and although relative instability wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, this is something that I really like and admire about him. It’s nice for once to just sit back and let someone else take the reigns sometimes, and not have to feel like you’re in control and therefore accountable for everything, all the time. He’s nearly a decade older than me, so he’s probably almost definitely been in love at least once. He probably knows exactly how to deal with whatever he feels for me. I’m just a big inexperienced mess.

If only I knew, like, exactly how he felt?!? I mean I’m fairly positive about things... we talk almost every day on facebook, and we’re planning this trip together. But there’s always going to be an element of doubt in my mind, however unfounded. What if there’s someone else? If there’s not someone else now, what if there will be, in the massive gaps between the times when we see each other? I mean, he has every right to, it’s not like we’re ‘in a relationship’, but then I would feel so silly because it would mean that this doesn’t really mean much to him, and I’m just here devoting all my romantic energy - which I so rarely do - to him, like a fool? Or what if there’s not even anyone else, but this just isn’t a big deal to him at all?

It’s not like these thoughts plague me constantly or anything, they just creep into my subconscious from time to time, but I guess there’s no point dwelling on them. It’s nicer to dwell on the positives, like all those endorphins that are released when I’m holding him, or talking to him, or even just when I see that he’s sent me a message... WOW. Who am I, and what have I done with me??

I feel like I can say I’m well and truly over mayo boy now. Well, I was anyway, but he (American boy) is everything mayo is not - for example, like I said with the whole being in control thing. And the feelings I have for AB are everything the feelings I had for MB were not.. that’s not to say that I didn’t have feelings, but in retrospect I think they may have been more platonic than I thought. Nevertheless, I did feel sentimental when me and BFF were talking about him on skype the other day, but then again I think it’s natural to mourn a friendship that was severed as suddenly as ours was. So she decided to drop him a facebook message, and of course relayed the conversation back to me. Apparently he’s been doing better since last time she heard from him when he had just had a nervous breakdown, though apparently he “OD’d on coke the week after that” and nearly had a heart attack or something (not even surprised), but he’s doing better now, so I’m genuinely happy about that. However, in their brief conversation, he spoke mainly about himself, and barely asked how she was doing, and didn’t ask at all about me. And then he just stopped replying to her. It’s typical of him, and I don’t really think he will ever change. His narcissism shines through in every aspect of his life. As much as I think we get on well as friends, I believe we will never actually achieve a friendship because of this. If it ever does arise, he’ll probably expect to be friends just like that; I’ll never see an apology or even an acceptance of his past behaviour. As much as his journey to self-recovery and improvement is important, along the way he’s probably just forgotten all the ways in which he was unfair, overly-dependant, manipulative, and just a general burden on the lives of me and my friends. So I think I’ll hold off on that friendship if he ever tries to initiate one.

I barely did anything today. I woke up really late, skyped, made food, went for a brief walk. That’s about all. I swear, I chronically lack motivation. On days where I don’t have class I find it near impossible to get out of bed at a reasonable hour. I wanted to get my assignment done, but I barely did any of it. Jesus, I really hate this aspect of my personality. I’ve started taking iron tablets, though, and I think it’s actually helping a bit. 

Montreal is nowhere near as cold as I thought it would be in mid-November. It’s actually quite pleasant, and definitely bearable. I’m praying that this winter won’t be too painful. I’m staying positive.

[sealgirl96-blog]

monday 14th november 2016, 00:43

INTROSPECTION

Time for a new blank canvas... again... my laziness is unquestionably my biggest vice, and I don’t think I’ve ever finished a diary in my life. I get lazy writing one, and as soon as it becomes a chore it becomes obsolete, so I start a new one. This can be my new one, for now. It begins in the exact same fashion as I start every journal: “sorry, I got bored with the old one...”

I get pedantic about layout and writing style but sometimes we all need a place to just flow and be introspective and self-indulgent without judgement. I walk around with all these thoughts in my head, and I intend to write them down, but I get lazy of course and they float away. I’ve started keeping a word document of ideas recently though, which really helps. I would recommend it because whenever you feel like creating something, and you want it to mean something, but you’re stuck for ideas, you can just return to one of your random previous ones, because the best ideas come to you serendipitously, never through strain.

I feel like I have this overflowing abundance of questions, thoughts, and feelings. I believe everyone my age probably does; at twenty years old we are in the prime of our lives and our minds are more open than they ever have been, and, for some of us, as open as they ever will be. I hope that mine has room to open more, and not begin a cynical decline into adulthood, becoming too clouded over with quotidian preoccupations until eventually that youthful liberal spirit is lost forever.

This age, I feel, is a turning point... I feel a fresh breath of life in me, I feel like my slate has been cleaned and I’m ready to start writing again. I feel the need to question everything, this childlike desire to ask “why?” “why?” “why?” into infinite regression. Apparently this can be an OCD thing and that actually makes a lot of sense to me. It helps me understand this aspect of myself a lot better, because of course whilst many people question things, I feel there is often a compulsive nature to my questioning. I want to say that this inquisitive desire is why I decided to study philosophy, but it would be more truthful to say that I decided to study philosophy first, on a whim, and the desire resurfaced (from childhood) afterward.

I realise as I write this what a huge luxury it is just to “study philosophy on a whim”. To be able to think about things as an occupation, and be financially supported for it. So many people in this world are burdened, preoccupied, distracted... there just aren’t enough hours in the day to sit and meditate. The stresses of everyday life preside over our natural thoughts and feelings. Most importantly, people don’t have the time to doubt things. Even the so-called most ‘intelligent’ of people maintain the status quo. We are so busy dealing with the most immediately pressing issues, that we never make way for scepticism. We so very rarely, like Descartes did, doubt everything. Even scientists, heralded as the pinnacles of knowledge, are perhaps the most guilty of this crime. Citizens of nations who purport to be the pinnacles of freedom are completely ignorant of the multitudes of ways in which they are imprisoned. And the most ironic thing is, that the people who do tend to have the luxury to be sceptical are the people for whom the necessity of such scepticism is least pressing, and thus the least likely to make any changes. Indeed, quite often, those who know that the status quo is a dupe are those who benefit from its preservation, so we’re caught in a frustrating Catch 22.

My point is, anyway, that I think it’s important to sit and be introspective and just write sometimes, even if it feels like complete bullshit, or completely trivial. We’re still learning about ourselves in one way or another, and nothing about that is trivial. The notion of such things being vain or superficial or egocentric, I think, is another tactic to stop us realising our true potential. It is for that reason that these words are so often used to shame and to oppress by dominant groups in society. Knowing ourselves, and our true potential, is the most powerful tool we have as human beings. As platitudinous as it may sound, the key is right there, in the most obvious place: within us, which is ironically just the last place we would ever think to look.

So that’s what this twenties renaissance should be about... wiping away the senescent cynicism of the teenage years that was a product of all the insecurity and instability and limitations of that period, and experiencing the world like a child again. That is, without boundaries, empirically, leaving ourselves open and vulnerable to sensation, learning not to touch nettles because we got stung.

My biggest fear is dying with regrets... that I didn’t seek answers to my questions; that I let my ideas grow stagnant; that I didn’t leave any mark on the world. I feel like I would not have fulfilled my purpose. I would not have flourished in an Aristotelian sense. See, humans have had the same ideas for millennia. Descartes had it down, Aristotle had it down. I wanna have it down! Regardless of era, location, circumstance, we’re all just trying to find and understand ourselves. So I would be sorry if I didn’t achieve that... but then again, I guess i’ve always got my next life. :-)