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TEXTED MY THERAPIST

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i saw a video of a cat with cancer who spent years in the shelter after jumping from bad owner to bad owner. no one wanted to adopt it despite it being nothing but loving. it looked cute and rubbed its head against people with so much pent up affection.

i hate when animals are perfect and kind, but go through so much pain. some of them might die thinking they were never worthy, even though they were just falling into the wrong peoples hands.

whenever i feel like I’m destined for loneliness and pain, I’m gonna think of that cat. it was eventually adopted and loved on, but even if it wasn’t, the effort it gave to the world would have been just as valid without anyone to witness it.

sometimes (a lot of times) I desperately want the love I give to be received, and given back to me with equal effort. my brain has made reciprocity a measure of my worth.

but a mirror is just a mirror. I want to stand with confidence even if no one reflects it back. to fiercely love whatever is here with me now.

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my new years resolution is to stop maladaptive daydreaming about men who don’t give a shit about me :) <3

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by ssw

I am easy to love

So expansive and light

You love the pretty handwritten letters I send to you

And the way I look at the everything

Pointing out the sky

Make you hold out your hand so I can put a flower on your palm

Read you poems and book excerpts

The type that make you feel alive

You love how smart I am

You’ll see light

In my eyes

Glowing all around me

You want to kiss me

You love every part of me

My legs and my hands and my hair

The way I’ve mended

My patience

Taking criticism well

Staying quiet when I feel nervous and you’ll find it so endearing

I’ll do the work myself

Carrying enough worry to seem sensible

But not debilitated

Always moving forward

I wake up early and go to sleep on time

Share my favorite recipes with you

They’re so sweet

Strawberry and powdered sugar

Warm hugs and table manners

You want me to meet your friends

I know how to take turns

Hold things with grace

Share jokes but not enough to where I always hide behind them

I walk like I mean it

Don’t break eye contact and make my smile gravitational

An axis

I make you feel like you’re spinning

Floating

Always new

I am so so easy

to be loved

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wow

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Introduction by s.s.w.

I am a slow reader.

Handling life with too much preciousness.

I’m scared to treat someone’s story as a punchline.

I always wonder if I will ever be whole

and remind myself that I cannot wait for the absence of pain

or for someone to hold onto my hand.

I look for answers

in my pruned fingertips when washing dishes,

in the orange tree a few blocks away,

in the song that mentions your city.

I cut my hair in the bathroom and regret it.

I did not tell you I love you when it was still early enough,

before there was any risk

and I regret it.

I like myself a lot.

I’m hoping someone will feel the same some day.

Some day soon.