sebastian-mutant-lu-blog

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You're the best. I'll even put on underwear under said pants.

… Alright. But just this once.

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Pants and a tank.

Hmm… if it’s a shirt and pants… okay, pyjamas can count.

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What about pyjamas? 

I’ll let you stay in bed if you at least wear some clothes while you’re in there.

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I can't just stay in bed? But... bed... 

I guess it probably does.

If you think I’m going to be giving you any food whatsoever, you’d better put some clothes on Sebastian Smythe! Lucky for you I have my cookies at the ready. Um… I’ll probably explain more when I get there because it’s hard to talk about.

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I guess it suits you then. 

Sure, why not? I'd hate to actually have to get up and put pants on. Me too. I miss food. Oh? Do share?

Normal isn’t me. I’m sorry, I can’t be normal, I just have to be spectacular in my outfits.

That’s more like it. Do you want me to bring them to you? I hope so. Also, I’ve been testing out my powers on Alex… it’s quite interesting.

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Hah, what's wrong with normal? 

I could maybe stomach... one or two. It's fine. I'll get it back soon enough. 

Weird? Perhaps sometimes. But spectacular? Always.

Are you sure, Sebastian? Not even for my famed choco-ginger cookies…?! I’m so sorry to hear that, Seb… If there’s anything that I can do or make for you, please tell me.

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I don't know. You could wear something really weird. I've definitely seen you in weird stuff before. 

No, no, it's fine. I still don't have an appetite. Maman has basically had me living on protein shakes just to keep me eating. 

Would you expect anything less?!

If you miss food, I just made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip and ginger nut cookies…?

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Fine, fine. This outfit better be fucking spectacular. 

Bored as fuck, frankly. And I haven't run in weeks (thank god the track season is done). I miss food.

I’m definitely not denying you the… um, the ability to wear the tight black clothes, but not for that reason!

I meant, how are you coping without your ‘usual habits’.

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Ugh, fine. You're no fun. Are you sure you don't want to see me in tight black clothing?

I wasn't coping. That's why I was doing that. Idiot [and because I know you'll get offended - I say idiot with affection, okay?]

Since now, okay?! I want it to be a surprise.

Poor you, Sebastian. How are you ever meant to cope! Welcome to my world.

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Since when do I listen to you? 

I've been lying in bed, watching excessive amounts of television, sleeping, and ignoring the world. None of my usual activities, I assure you 

No, Sebastian. You are not breaking into my room to look at my ball outfit.

Why, what have you been doing recently? Or don’t I want to know….?!

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When are you out of your room? I need to plan appropriately. I even have a very-tight entirely-black outfit. 

That would be a better use of my time than what I've been doing recently. 

Good. Thank you, Sebastian. That’s what I would expect. It’s a step in the right direction and I’m proud of you, Web. I should be okay seen as I’m quite fluent in French, but I was wondering if you wanted to practice together?

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You'd be surprised what maman is trying to convince me to do, sister dear. 

So I had to go home to see my parents. Long story.

Hmmm…I’m guessing you’re not going to tell your wonderful sister who loves you so very much what you were talking to them about?

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Ouch, fine. I didn't miss you either. 

And I had a few things to talk about with them. 

So I had to go home to see my parents. Long story.

Honestly? Didn’t even notice you were gone.

Of course I missed you Sebby! I’m sure you’re not going to tell me this, But why did you go see Father and Maman?

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Doing well, thanks. And yourself? How's the violin coming along?

I surely won't. 

So I had to go home to see my parents. Long story.

Hi! Welcome back! How’re you?

…I don’t think I’m one, but I did miss seeing you around Langthorne. Don’t tell my sister that though.

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lightmyfire-lopez replied to your post: So I had to go home to see my parents. Long story.

Wonderful. I’m so excited.

Oh shit, you exist. Well that put a raincloud over my day.

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[PRIVATE] Journal

Dear Journal,

Okay, no, that's not going to work. Let's start again. 

Right. To say that I had a meltdown would be the understatement of the century. Turns out I wasn't handling things at all. After the whole.. thing with Warren... and then with Kurt... And whatever. I wasn't handling it the bastard getting out. I wasn't sleeping, even with my benzos. I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything but sit there in a panic. It was kind of pathetic. And then the fucking crying all the time started and I basically said 'fuck this shit' and packed up to go home. 

I... I told maman. I think it nearly killed her. I've never seen her so upset in my entire life. And she kept being upset. She kept crying. And hugging me. She started sleeping in bed with me. That was kind of weird. I'd fall asleep without her and wake up and she'd be wrapped around me, and she'd have tearstains on her face. It was fucking awful, actually. I hated doing that to her.

She was so angry at Father for not telling her, but he said the reason we didn't was because of how badly it'd hurt her. It's true. She was heartbroken, and for a while, I really regretted telling her. Admittedly, I told her in a panic. And I hadn't slept more than a few hours in four days. So yeah, it kind of came out. 

They ended up drugging me for the first few nights, just to help me sleep. Honestly, glad they did, because I wasn't sleeping anyway and seriously fucking needed some. And then maman started sleeping in the bed with me too.

That said, as weird as it is to sleep in the same bed as your maman, it helped.  I dunno, it was warm and comforting and safe. She told me she needed to have me there, to know I was safe, to know she could protect me or something. 

Whatever. 

So. I'm in therapy now. I had to have like... six or seven sessions in two weeks. 

Turns out... it's not my fault. At least, that's what my psychologist says. 

I've... been blaming myself for all of this time... Saying I shouldn't put myself in that situation, that kind of crap. But that's victim-blaming or some shit. Either way, apparently, it's not my fault. I can't shake the feeling that it was, but that's apparently something we'll work on. Fucking yay. 

So... The crying has stopped. I don't break down every day. Repeatedly. The panic attacks are easing. I'm eating and sleeping again. I'm in therapy. They've made adjustments to my medication. I've told my maman, and she's wondering if we should tell Emma too. I don't know. It broke maman's heart to hear I was... raped. 

I've never been able to say that before. ...Rape. It's actually still a huge struggle. I was raped. 

Normally I'd sign off now, take some pills, and sleep away the anxiety, but apparently I have to learn to "sit with the discomfort" and try and ease the anxiety. I was raped. And I avoided the words... avoiding dealing with it for years. And I've been assured that it won't be easy but... I'll get better. I guess I just have to cling to that. I thought I was better, but actually, I was just shoving the feelings away. 

So now, I'm back at school. There's the ball and Europe to look forward to, and then it'll be back to constant therapy. I'll be liaising with my psychologist via skype whilst in Europe. 

I think that's enough discomfort for today. 

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Damn it. I'm not above invading your room to find out. You know this, right? Right. I'm in therapy now. Yey. That was sarcastic, by the way. 

As well as can be expected. I imagine I'll keep up my excellent scores. Do you need help?

Um… Nope. It’s a secret. You’ll have to wait and see. Thank you for telling me, Sebastian. It takes a lot of effort to open up to people and I’m grateful. Ooh, talking about exams, how is your revision for the French exam going?