secondfuckingguessing

[secondfuckingguessing]

I saw fabitos chips and i thought about sending f something, but i didn't feel like it. Maybe I'm growing up, maybe it's just another phase.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Anger! He smiles towering in

I feel angry at the world, angry that other people get what i can't, angry at myself for being different. Angry at some teen cause she's being asked on a date while I'm not. She's not even pretty. Being angry that my therapist has someone after breaking up and i think that's lame but also that what's wrong with me????

[secondfuckingguessing]

05/06/25

I've been going to places I couldn't access and having important conversations. They're in my head.

The other day, I read a post on reddit where the guy claimed he was the incel of the family. I tried to help only to be called a liar for no good reason. In the process, though, I tried to prove my point by talking about gustavo and how we were together for a long while, even though he was not the standard beauty. He was kind, interested, had good taste, and was very loving to me. It did nothing for the incel bastard, but it hit me hard. I can't say I felt sad, nor happy, but I felt a lot. This surgent of emotion. He did love me. He loved me a lot. I was loved. I lived that, however twisted it actually was. Do I wish I could go back? No. But from then on, I've been kinda different. I've touched myself probably more than I did in all of last year. I've been fantasizing about a romantic character, perfect and utopic. I wondered (for the 5272828th time) if I shouldn't write a story, just for the sake of doing it. I don't have to tell anyone. Even if that kind of love is out of the picture for me, it felt good. More whole. I didn't resent it. I feel calm. Then, as I walked, I wondered if I hadn't invited my animus back. Hi, love. Where have you been all this time?

[secondfuckingguessing]

I posted a picture of myself on my stories and 40+ people liked it. I just wanted to write it down.

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I felt great by morning, yet something triggered me in the beginning of the afternoon. The usual burdening feeling, a deep pit in my stomach and a sense of desperation. It's the book I'm reading. Only the in the book percy is probably still making amends with joe, whereas F doesn't give a flying fuck about me and I feel silly and invisible for still be thinking about him. Is it really him though? The desperation, the feeling that being rejected is something that might kill you feels way more primitive than him. Maybe freud was right. Maybe my 2 year old kind of rejection primed me for life. Maybe this made me react so strongly to people treating me like shit, and being left off. I mean, in how many ways can you experience the same thing? Over and over again, very painfully. At home, at work, at love or whatever attempt at that it was, at friendships. How many times and in how many ways can you feel that invisible, unworthy and impotent in the face of life. How many times can you feel thrown under the bus? How long until you crave something that you know is going to hurt you? How long until love stops being fun? How many times can you not be chosen? How long until you realized it doesn't really matter if you're funny, witty, smart, cool, educated, cute, or whatever. Sorry, you're awesome, but just not for me. Of course someone is going to love you. The few who would choose to stay feel pathetic. Not a good sign, if he's willing to stay. I'm not worth it to begin with. Settling down to someone you dont fancy seems the only option. Craving something so unattainable, but so fundamental. Craving some ilusion. In the end the result is the same,and it hurts. Try chasing it, be rejected. Hurt. Try keeping it away, feel the hollow pain wherever you go. Hurt. Try getting close to it, but now you've learned to anticipate the pain. Hurt, all in the same way. It fucking sucks. It seems like there's no way out of this hellish maze. I keep knocking on walls, or sitting in a dark corner for a number of years. Everytime I feel like I got rid of some of it, I find a new layer. I feel angry, so angry. Why is it so hard for me while other people have it so easy? There's no guarantee at all I'm ever getting out of this hell. It is so unfair. And of course, at the ebd of the day, it's all my fault. I could have reacted differently. I could be better. I could be more lovable.

[secondfuckingguessing]

This is the day after I truly decided to commit to healing. I'm trying eft cause I feel like I've tried everything else under the moon. Therapy is getting me nowhere, or not nearly half as fast as I need it. Self reflection only makes me more miserable. Time does not heal anything at all. I have no other plausible option. IFS is helpful, but I can't unfreeze. Luiza got engaged and i haven't been able to even come close to having a crush during the time she took to date one guy, break up, find another and get herself engaged. She met him in a fucking bus of all places. My own ex is dating his second girlfriend as I am typing this. I haven't even kissed anyone else. I still hope he would wake up someday and say he thinks of me and there's a huge possibility that I dream about it just for the validation. I didn't feel like I was desired when we were together. Maybe I should switch therapists as well. The night after I met him I had a dream, and in it he very intensely asked me if it was a kiss I wanted. Yes. God, yes. I want to feel irresistible, I want to feel chosen more than anything else. But I also feel terribly afraid that I can't ever be turned on again, so I can't actually get too close to people. I'm broken. And maybe there's something wrong with me, but maybe sex and intimacy that were once fun have become a synonym of pain, hurt and heartbreak, both physical and emotional. Also, I want to find someone I feel truly interested in to even try, but then it would make losing the chance much worse. Though I know this repelling feeling I get when I think of someone new is my biggest enemy. I can't quite put it into words. It feels weird. Wrong. Something repulsing.

I've given up on love for myself. Maybe it's not for me. But thinking like this only makes me feel worse. I've always wanted love, since I was a child. I deserve more than I'm getting. I'm decent looking. I'm educated. I have a good heart. I'm always trying to be better than I am. I deserve a break. At least someone should be interested in me. I'm interesting. I'm so sick of this.

[secondfuckingguessing]

It's way past the middle of the night. It's so frustrating.

I started thinking about things. Work, love. Him. He is a fucking entity in my mind by now, totally malleable to my desire of what he should've been. I spend so much time thinking about him, even after all this time and i doubt he ever thought about me that much. Maybe he is different with these other girls. He just didn't like me. Even if they're agressive and not supportive of him. Even if they're less pretty. I can't win and i feel silly. Yet, i long so much for the validation of possibly winning him back that it is irresistible not to fantasize. But that is all it is, fantasy.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Weird post Sunday easter dream

It started in the office. There were more people, recently hired. They were being introduced in a weird way, like it was a game show or something. Before that my father was complaining with my mother about something she was doing there, i think it hsd to do with guioza.

He complained about men and women and their roles being inverted. After the show, a chinese dragon showed up, but it was supposed to go the other way around. After it was all over, my father was talking to my uncle about it being unnecessary and he said it was for poços. I thought I wasn't being part of anything, but I liked it having more people.

PriscilA. Icex. mackenzie. Sitting somewhere to talk. Car pointing at us with thepsycho priest.

[secondfuckingguessing]

2903

It's the eclipse day.

And indeed my dreams seem to be more correlated to the past than the ones I am currently having. Themes of abandonment and being alone.

As far as I remember, two different dreams happened. First, it was Dawson. He made a move, tried to kiss me, kissed below my clavicule snd although I kinda enjoyed the physicality of it, I begged him to stop and he did and left like he liked me but couldn't put up with me and being rejected anymore. An estrangement was likely to follow suit and I pondered about reaching out and saying I was sorry things got weird and even wondered if i shouldn't just give in.

2nd part was bh, being with friends outside a simple bar with street tables. I went inside at some point and everyone had left.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Had a dream he kissed me. It was fun. Played some csrds yesterday though and the result was that i have to give it up. I always have to give up btw. Then i dreamed with a lot of airplanes. Lots of minor accidents. My fsther was buying a car.

I just wanted to be kissed i guess, but i can't apparently.

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Feb 1st, 2025

I saw him today and two main things were quite clear:

1- He looked great. It was lovely, and familiar and he spoke a lot about himself. It lasted longer than I thought it would. At one point we were talking about attending weddings, and he said that if he got married, then something I don't remember, but what I thought is that he should get married to me. It really makes me wonder about what it could've been if only the timing wasn't so off when we met and that sort of brings me to the second point

2- I don't feel too aggravated by the situation in any means, but it is sad to think that should be me. It makes me sad I never stood a real chance. It makes me sad I'm always set for heartbreak. I wasn't missed. I wasn't chased. He keeps choosing people over and over again, and maybe I never mattered anyway. But he looks good and familiar and I really wanted to touch, to reach out and be loved by him. Instead, I sat and smiled, laughed and listened to him throw the name of his current girlfriend every now and then into the conversation.

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Everyone says you should love yourself first and stop waiting for somebody else's love, but then what? Shouldn't I deserve to be loved? Should I not be allowed to experience love from another human being? I want to be loved! I love myself too

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I had forgotten how ashamed, inadequate and wrong I felt as a pre teen and teen. I was ashamed of being seen.

I was scared as a child of being seen. It often happened when i was in trouble. As a really young child I probably felt unseen and left out.

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When i was younger, i was smitten with other people's lives. I wanted to live someone else's life. I emulated stephanie. She seemed to have fun. I hadn't noticed she doesn't seem to able to open up, at least to me, so i always thought she was having the time of her life and of course everyone liked her. I tried to be like her.

I trusted everyone and thought they didn't like me, and there must be something wrong with me. But being alone really scared me, so i liked anyone, including these girls I've pulled away from this year.

I dreamt of jp last night, after a long while. Always rhe same. Trying to be noticed, but unable to meet him.

[secondfuckingguessing]

If I'm being honest, i may have never truly liked julia or giovana. Or maybe I have, at first. I used to be way more insecure and probably nicer too. Arrogance probably grew on me along the way, and I just don't think they're interesting or complex as human beings as I am. So, today, when I heard from my therapist that julia changed a lot, it made me kinda angry. There's a visceral reaction here, and I can't help but think that I may hate her. Maybe I really hoped she'd be the person she was. Lackluster. Uninteresting. I don't think she's very interesting in all truth, not from what I see her posting about. Crossfit, walking with her dog, running and going to parties. Parties with bad music. In my conception, that's lame. It's the kind of person I used to make fun of, not admire. And she was a jerk to me, yeah. So, she's changing? I don't even care. In all honesty, I dislike her a bit, as I do ana, giovana and everyone else i know. If i dislike everyone, what do I do? I don't know.

[secondfuckingguessing]

It seems like ages ago that I knew what was going on in someone else's life.

I might miss it, but I finally learned to treat people the way they treat me.

Today I had ryan reply to my comment. My teenage self would be freaking out. Being an adult has its downsides.

Yesterday I thought I was in love with fabiano. It has been fun talking to him, not gonna lie. It made me happy. I kinda think he's cute now. But I'm just so happy I'm not that stuck this time around. Today, I'm kinda whatever. Lack creates craving, and it sucks. I want to crave better things. Things that make me happy for staying.

Next year, I want to work on myself without pain.

I had a therapy session today, and i didn't come even close to what I wanted to say. Truth is, I'm not sure how helpful it's been. I just enjoy talking and I don't have anywhere else to talk deeply about myself. The insights though, i get them myself.

I am a cool, decent person. I am. I'm loyal. I'm attentive. I can be witty. I can be deep. I'm curious. I'm silly. I'm loving. I deserve so much more than I'm getting in the relationship front. My friends suck. I call them friends by force of habit. I deserve people that don't make me resent them.

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Gus

You hated this nickname, so I'll make sure to refer to you by that. I've known you to be toxic for a long time, but I always focus on blaming myself for probably being too, even though I always tried to be honest. You, on the other hand always ignored me, as if my feelings actually were not important. All that mattered was that you loved me so you tried snd tried. You should have walked away. You should have turned for other people for support, not MY friends. The worst part was that you achieved what you wanted. You got their sympathy. You took everything I had. You made me feel bad about myself. You made me feel like I was to blame for having pleasure. You made me believe love hurts, manipulates, and takes things away. You got my friends, all the support i thought i had, you made me feel guilty, you painted me as a monster. Why? Because you loved me? Because you wanted me for yourself? I loved someone else. Someone else who also didn't want me.

What have I been since? Lonely. Invisible. Sad. Closed. I feel so unworthy. I feel like love hurts. It screwed my chances with fabiano. I feel no one is going to love me, and even if they did, it would only hurt me, I'd feel guilty, i would question everything i did and said.

I feel so mad. You didn't have the right to. You destroyed me, and you got away with it.