selfoe

[selfoe]

another peepo bye

[selfoe]

the silence brings a warmth to your cheeks, a familiar thread of irritation born of concern wrapped around your chest, digging in. your mind screams at you to turn away, but you dig your fingers into the ground and keep your gaze upon them steady—and you try with all your might not to look too harsh or quizzical, but it's in your nature to be both, perpetually, isn't it?

you can feel the exhaustion pouring from them, not uncommon, but worry's claws have dug too deep and have left you cut open. you had to say something. it's not until he speaks that what's left of the gaping wound tears apart. spare me your interrogations.

once upon a time, you were sat in daemos' spot, your own taken by another. the irritation, the confusion, the hope you felt hits you with more force than ten thousand swords.

"I'M SORRY FOR CARING SO MUCH," I SPIT, ALL SHARP TEETH AND VENOM.

I TURN AWAY FROM THE MIRROR. I DO NOT WISH TO REMEMBER IT—THE HOPE. NAIVE HOPE.

you swallow thickly, turning your head down, away. you know you must look embarrassed, throughly chastised, and this is what raises your head and causes you to frown at them. (i'm not embarrassed. embarrassed for caring so much, maybe. not really.) only, it falls as soon as they look at you, with that stare that brings your shoulders to a slump, your mind to a staggering fall.

IT MAKES ME SICK. HOW CAN THEY LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?

I SET THE FROWN BACK UPON MY FACE. I'VE ALREADY SHOWN TOO MUCH.

you can't hold his stare, looking away as he does. your chest tightens further at the question, yet your tense posture relaxes.

I GIVE THEM A SMALL SMILE, MORE GENUINE THAN I SOMETIMES WISH IT TO BE.

I SCOFF, SHAKE MY HEAD, AND MOVE TO LEAVE THEM TO THEMSELF.

you sigh, a soft noise through your nose, and lean back so you're resting on your elbows. you give him a smile reserved only for those you have dared to let closer than arm's reach, and then tilt your head up, close your eyes. you let your mind settle, reaching out to connect without pushing in. "i can do that."

m. "you are clearly not okay," says @selfoe to daemosyrâxes.

for a time only silence follows. daemos draws in a ragged breath and rolls out a sigh, arguing no further. he is tired. the night is cruel and too long. their mind is too sick. leaking blood that drips from the all of them and they know it cannot be seen but they can feel it; it is known, a beacon of horror strewn right through and shining out through the flesh. it is no prettier within.

daemosyrâxes sits resting their hand where their heart would be, if they had one. above and below that are scars one would sustain from autopsy incisions. below that: stretched and grooved skin, tattooed and marked and all of it strange, all of it unfamiliar, all of it a shock upon discovery, to him as it may be to another. they have so far spent this sleepless night unfolding the map of themself.

it has been torturous. though there is nothing better to do. nothing that does not involve bloodshed, that which they fear is the true, gruesome core beating at the centre of them; not a heart, not an organ, but an oozing inborn need to rip and to tear and to end, forever broiling in his midst.

here, at rest in camp, still it hounds at him. it haunts him even with his dearest ones, at the heels of people he would die to defend. he would flay himself a thousand times to subdue that need. he would see himself broken and agonizing and utterly deranged. "pray, spare me your interrogations," he manages at last. in a rasp. in a tone that tries to bite and only gums.

daemos draws his cloak further around him and glances from the sky to shepherd. for a moment there is no shade nor shadow of the cold glare he may ordinarily wear. the look he offers is almost hopeful. wearily so. the others presence is a presence that eases, a comfort foul whisperings might have him believe impossible outside of ceaseless murder.

daemosyrâxes drops his gaze. shame drools ice along the curve of his spine; he sits further upright, as if lashed, once more watching the wisps of clouds while he warbles his foolish question. "won't you just sit with me awhile?"

[selfoe]

shepherd hates his past self, the “hero” self, not only bc he felt he was too naive, but because he let himself be corralled into their vision of justice rather than his own

[selfoe]

ordinary monsters: pt. 2.

dialogue prompts from ordinary monsters: a novel by j.m. miro.

i know you're here.

how could you see me?

what are you? show me your real self.

you've got a real nice way about you.

that's a woeful tale. it would damn near rend your heart.

i don't want to hurt anyone.

just act like a normal kid.

it isn't your fault. it's not anyone's.

i knew you weren't sleeping. you're a terrible faker.

are you a ghost?

it's just --- you're pretty.

being known of is not the same as being known.

is it a miracle because it happened, or because it's believed to have happened?

not everything's got a reason for the way it is.

i'm glad it happened how it did, because you're here with me now.

it's what you are. wanting has nothing to do with it.

if you're teasing, i can't tell.

you're sarcastic half the time, and smug the rest.

i don't want to get blood on your carpet.

if you ever want to talk about it, i'm a good listener.

difference is not monstrous. it is nature at work.

anything different from the normal appears monstrous, but it isn't.

you're not afraid of the dark, are you?

don't believe everything they tell you.

may i call you [first name]?

if you want to do this, i'm with you. but you don't have to.

if you live long enough, you cease to be human.

any place is safer for you than here, right now.

we'll go together.

there's something in the basement that must be seen to.

quickly, now.

you're not as useless as you seem.

i didn't invite you in.

[selfoe]

duality of re-gene

[selfoe]

shepherd if he doesn't like you

[selfoe]

while we're all online and memeing the failed assassination of a usamerican fascist please take a second to [donate to save a family in Gaza] and do your [daily click for Palestine]

[selfoe]

► reblog to let your mutuals know that... YOUR RP BLOG IS NOT TIME-SENSITIVE!

...That there is NO time limit or expiration date on asks, memes or threads.

...That your partners NEVER need to feel they have to apologise for not responding to a thread or ask yet.

...That you welcome replies to "OLD" threads and memes, even if they've been sitting quietly untouched for weeks or months.

...That there is NEVER any pressure or obligation for your partners to reply until they feel the drive and enthusiasm to do so.

...That YOU will happily respond to things at YOUR OWN leisure, and you would like your partners to feel comfortable doing the same.

Not everybody enjoys running their blog this way and that's a-okay. But removing the idea that RP interactions are something that can "expire" or that the asks in your inbox have an unspoken "due-date", takes the pressure off of both your partners and yourself and can help bust feelings of stress/anxiety from the hobby. Reblog to let your partners know that you're just jazzed to receive new writing from them, whenever it comes.

[selfoe]

shepherd taking the ugliest / broken knick knacks trinkets stuffies and whatnot and giving them a home (he collects them bc he feels for them) (he doesn't try to fix them bc they don't need to be fixed for him to love them)

[selfoe]

biggest reason shepherd is so connected to dogs, specifically dogs bred to fight, is he was also bred to fight. he wasn't born with parents who wanted him to be a doctor or lawyer, but he was created to infiltrate and help destroy. he was made to be uncaring of anything but his missions, he was pit against his 'siblings' (other re-genes) at the farm, he was made to keep fighting no matter how badly he's hurt because he was made a weapon that can just be picked up and put back together again—and not only do his creators see him this way, but everyone in the city and, in his universe, the world.

and that's the main reason he's so independent, why it's so difficult for him to accept help and to accept that people want to help him, that people actually care for him and his wellbeing; and even if he can acknowledge that they truly care, he can't trust them enough to care after seeing his tattoos, after finding out what he is. his arrogance cannot override his fear of true recognition, of being truly seen, and this is where a lot of his anger comes from. he's angry he feels this way, angry he's scared, angry that he was made the way he was, angry at the people who made him this way and have instilled this fear into him. it's a deep-rooted anger that wraps around his veins and stabs into his heart and brain, anchors there—it's not something that can be dug out from the pit of his stomach, that can be cut out in sections. he is a dog bred to fight, baring his teeth at the people trying to extend their kind hands towards him. he is a dog bred to fight, shaking, wanting to trust but unable to.

(smth about looking into the mirror and the face that stares back is your worst enemy. a disconnect from past self, from the dog that tried to trust and had it all taken away, hating that past self for being so naive and it leading to becoming the dog that bares it's teeth despite wanting so badly to learn to trust.)

[selfoe]

writing up verses and thinking about how easy it is for shepherd to differentiate and pinpoint people, even blindfolded, because everyone's minds and mindscapes are incredibly unique to them. + everyone's emotions and how they feel are unique—two people may be feeling the same emotion, but no matter how similarly they feel that emotion, there's still enough of a difference to separate them.

[selfoe]

shepherd sitting at dog parks just to watch and connect with the dogs there. shepherd sitting at a park to feed and pet pigeons. shepherd always saving animals in the road. shepherd saving spiders instead of killing them (and getting pissed at you if you kill it). shepherd helping bees get their strength back. shepherd and the gentleness he can't and won't stop carrying despite all the anger and vengefulness

[selfoe]

MANNY JACINTO Nine Perfect Strangers | 1.04 “Brave New World”

[selfoe]

thinking about bg3 verse and how the tadpoles effect shep's abilities & whether or not he'd be a companion With a tadpole. i'm leaning towards him having a tadpole bc i don't think he would've joined up with the group otherwise & it would only strengthen his abilities (not a great thing bc he already can't shut it off; having them this strong, it'd be so loud 24/7 and more difficult to differentiate his own thoughts & feelings from others' thoughts & feelings)

[selfoe]

&. 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬.

( this is basically just a very self indulgent list of various fluff, angst, and suggestive themed dialogue sentence starters. )

❛ i could keep you safe. they’re all afraid of me. ❜

❛ i’m trying to fix your hair, so hold still. ❜

❛ your heart is beating so fast right now. ❜

❛ promise me you’ll still be here when i wake up. ❜

❛ you’re not as bad as everyone says you are. ❜

❛ i thought you’d like some company. ❜ 

❛ clean yourself up. you're getting blood all over the place. ❜

❛ here, give this a try and tell me what you think. ❜

❛ you can kiss me, you know. ❜

❛ come back to bed. ❜

❛ you look good like this. ❜

❛ working together again, it’s just like old times. ❜

❛ how is it you always know what i need, huh? ❜

❛ you’re lucky you got away with only a scratch. ❜ 

❛ i can’t imagine losing someone like that. i’m sorry. ❜

❛ you know you can always talk to me. ❜

❛ the only one who gets to kill you, is me. ❜

❛ so, what do i owe this pleasure? ❜

❛ ah, so you aren’t heartless after all. ❜

❛ may i have this dance? ❜ 

❛ it’s okay, you can touch me. i won't break. ❜

❛ enemies make the best lovers, you know. ❜

❛ hold still. this might sting a little. ❜

❛ we can't keep doing this. ❜ 

❛ you look like you've got something to say. ❜

❛ just relax and let me take care of you. ❜

❛ thought you’d be lighter without all that blood. ❜

❛ i had it under control. you didn’t need to do that. ❜

❛ everything looks so beautiful from up here. ❜

❛ you treat all your ladies like this? ❜

❛ well? how do i look? ❜

❛ can’t sleep? ❜

❛ do you mind if i smoke? ❜

❛ i’m scared of ending up alone. ❜

❛ i don’t think i’ve ever seen you smile. ❜

❛ how long has it been since you've slept? ❜

❛ you are losing my interest, and that’s very dangerous. ❜

❛ i’d suffer hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight. ❜

❛ you look really pretty right now. ❜

❛ i’ve never cared for anyone the way i care for you. ❜

❛ i’m not wearing any underwear. thought you’d like to know. ❜

❛ just a few more stitches and you’ll be as good as new. ❜

❛ i’d say we make a pretty good team. ❜

❛ i want you to forget this ever happened. ❜

❛ i'm here for business — not pleasure. ❜

❛ if i didn't know any better, i'd say you were jealous. ❜

❛ you'd look better down on your knees. ❜

❛ fine, keep acting like you hate me. ❜

❛ kiss me again. ❜

❛ are you asking me out on a date? ❜

❛ just sit there and look pretty and let me handle this. ❜

❛ you okay? caught you staring off into space again. ❜

❛ well, i do feel better now that you're here. ❜

❛ i'm not drunk enough for this. ❜ 

❛ why is it whenever we see each other, you’re covered in blood? ❜

❛ i was wrong about you. ❜ 

❛ the first time i met you, i had no idea you'd mean this much. ❜

❛ you gonna be a good girl / boy for me? ❜

❛ i’m not afraid of you. ❜

❛ books mean more to me than people anyway. ❜

❛ i just wanted to say thank you for protecting me. ❜

❛ how about a kiss goodnight? ❜

❛ i don’t have time for distractions right now. ❜

❛ you shouldn’t be out here by yourself. ❜ 

❛ if i have to think about one more thing today, my head will explode. ❜

[selfoe]

fit check

[selfoe]

this screenshot is v funny to me and also very shep coded