seperatehands

[seperatehands]

venting into the void

ive accomplished so much since i abandoned my family by joining the military. i regret it sometimes but overall i know that if i hadn’t done it i’d have ended my life by now so maybe that’s a good thing. i miss my sister but i know she’s ok, she got out before i did and she’s stable on her own. im stationed only 3.5 hours from them, so it’s okay. i can go visit sometimes. i just wish i could save the dogs; they’re still getting mistreated by my mother. i wish i wouldve seen back then all the things she has done. i couldve gotten help a long time ago if i knew. i’m like this because of her, but i cant change it now. i can only get better. i’m still trying to learn how to navigate social situations. i make a lot of mistakes. i’m still trying to shake off the guilt and shame the childrens home ingrained in me. i’m trying to build myself up. i fuck up a lot. but i think all things considered, i’m doing well for myself. i don’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings ever. my fear of men is one that might never go away. a lot of them think i’m interested in them, no, i’m still gay LMAO, i just don’t really see them as threats vs every other man so i’m actually excited to see & talk to them. it makes me upset when people misinterpret me like this but i don’t know how to change it. my fear of men also stems from what my dad did to me, and even before then, but i digress, i was scared of men long before i was 16 and alone with him. i think i use these idols and these characters as ways to cope, to have some sort of control within my life. because realistically, i have none. i signed a contract at 18 years old that i really didn’t understand. and for four years, i gave my life away. im only halfway through it now. i work a job i don’t really have any passion for. i actually love my team, they’re like family to me, but rotations never last long. ever. so it’s just heartbreak after heartbreak when they leave. and a lot of them don’t care about you outside of work, but i’ve never been built like that. i can’t just… if i care about you, i care about you. as a coworker AND as a person. if my troop said she needed something i’d do everything i could to get it for her. that’s just how i am. and people take advantage of that a lot. it sucks. i feel like i don’t really have anyone in my life that’s steady other than my online friends, which sucks a lot. autumn has been my rock for years now, but our schedules conflict so much now that it’s hard to find time to spend together. telli and i are fated friends, but she lives halfway across the world. scout and i are fr soulmates but we’re both always busy. i love my friends dearly, and i try and make time for them when i can. i love my troop, she and i are good friends, i promise, but i really havent found anyone irl that understands me yet. i am not normal. i don’t enjoy things that most people my age do, and it’s frustrating. i definitely don’t like drinking lol, i don’t like partying, i don’t like clubs, i get overstimulated and overwhelmed by those things really easily. i like staying in and watching movies, i like just hanging out. going to do things like hunting for a specific old video came disc. things like that. ugh i have so many thoughts this shit is gonna be long as hell. my therapist thinks i have ocd along with my already diagnosed major depressive disorder, generalized and social anxiety, ptsd related to childhood sexual assault, and psychosis symptoms. she suspects me of autism, adhd, and possibly even very mild schizophrenia IM MENTAL ILLNESS FINAL BOSS

p.s. my mom ruined my life and my sisters’s too. oh, and my dad’s a pedophile who likes his own daughter a bit too much.