shadowhunterwizard

[shadowhunterwizard]

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family. 

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Well??"

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

[shadowhunterwizard]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are walking around London when a cat jumps on Watson and pees on him

"Oh bloody hell" says an upset Watson, "my shirt is ruined"

"Well, you got to take it up with the owner", says Sherlock calmly.

"I've no clue who the owner is!" shouts Watson, still angry.

"Well, my dear Watson", says Sherlock, "You are pissed on and pissed off at the same time, it's Schrödinger's cat"

[shadowhunterwizard]

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[shadowhunterwizard]

[shadowhunterwizard]

THE W H A T NEWS

[shadowhunterwizard]

For all the single people thinking of getting married, here are the pros and cons:

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

[shadowhunterwizard]

Mr and Mrs Frog only had one tadpole, and they loved her so much. 

Both of them has to enter the work force from a young age to support their family’s. Neither of them had any further education and their life’s desire was for their only daughter to have the opportunities they didn’t and to go to university, preferability Oxford or Cambridge. They worked every hour to secure extra tuition for their daughter and extra curriculum activities.

One morning there was the familiar thud of post on the doormat. Sat there, a letter clear embossed with the Oxford University crest.

Their daughter was at school. They both looked at each other. They both glanced at the clock, it was a Tuesday so after school she had extra maths, ballet class, and then chess club. It’s would be hours and hours before she would be home to open it herself and revel if her application was successful.

The air hang heavy with the ethical dilemma ahead of them…. They so desperately wanted to know if their life’s work, all their sacrifices, all their daughters hard work had paid off, equally, they respected their daughter and knew her trust in them would be crushed if they opened the letter before her.

Gently, they lifted the envelop up, time seemed to freeze. Then in a sudden, Mrs Frog ran to the kitchen, grabbed the kettle that was full of freshly boiled water and gently held the letter above it. Using the steam to attempt to gently unfurl the firmly glued seal on the envelope so they could glimpse the secret’s inside, before gluing it back down for their daughter to open in the evening, none the wiser. Minutes passes, the kettle was reboiled, the kitchen clock seemed to slow down, still only a tiny millimetre of the envelope seal had be carefully unfurled.

Mrs Frog looks up, sweaty, breathing heavy, and looks over to her husband. What should we do my dear? She asked?

Ripit! Ripit!

He replied

[shadowhunterwizard]

A man visits his Rabbi 

One day, a Jewish man visits his rabbi, with a worried look on his face.

“Rabbi Moishe, I’ve got quite a problem. It’s my son, see. He went to Jerusalem to make pilgramage to the Wailing Wall, but when he came back, he’d become a Christian! I tried to ask him why he converted, but he didn’t give me a straight answer. How on earth do you think that happened?”

The other Rabbi clicks his tongue in disbelief. “I wish I could give you a good answer, but to tell you the truth, the exact same thing happened to me! My son wanted to follow in my footsteps, went to Jerusalem for a theological study trip, and came back a Christian. I just don’t know how it happened!”

Since they were at an impasse, the two men decided to pray to God and seek his aid with their problem.

“Oh graceful Elohim, we seek your counsel! We both sent our sons out to Jerusalem, but one way or another, they ended up Christian! How did this happen, oh Lord?”

There’s a few seconds of silence, before a great sigh comes from above, and a divine voice booms back to them.

“Guys, you won't believe what happened to my son…”

[shadowhunterwizard]

last night I had a dream that I met Bill and Ted, and I complimented Bills crop top and said something about how I would wear crop tops if my body was less bogus and he put a hand on my shoulder and said “what’s truly bogus is the way you think about yourself” and Ted nodded solemnly and then I woke up

[shadowhunterwizard]

What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja? 

Peace and quiet.

[shadowhunterwizard]

[shadowhunterwizard]

My brother was a bear and my best friends were a bike and a vitamin. We went to the moon and danced.

[shadowhunterwizard]

[shadowhunterwizard]

do you have a soul

I quit law school. So I suppose I have half a soul.

[shadowhunterwizard]

Happy Kitty Pride ;)

[shadowhunterwizard]

Cat Food

I heard this from my genius nine-year-old grandson. No idea where he got it from, but I had never heard it before.

An old lady is shopping in a supermarket. She comes up to the cashier with six cans of cat food. “I’m sorry,” says the cashier, “I can’t sell you cat food unless you can prove to me that you own a cat.”

“Why?” says the old lady.

“Our manager heard that old people are buying cat food and eating it themselves, and he finds that unacceptable.”

“That’s ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip?” says the old lady. But sha goes home and gets her cat, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the cat food.

A few days later she comes back to the store and comes up to the cashier with a big box of dog biscuits. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t sell you those unless you prove to me that you have a dog.”

“Ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip again?” But she goes home and gets her dog, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the dog biscuits.

A few days later the old lady comes back to the store carrying a small box, and approaches the same cashier.

“What’s in the box?” the cashier asks.

“Stick your finger in this hole and find out.”

“Oh no, you’ve got a snake or something that will bite me or scratch me in there!”

“No, there’s nothing alive in it,” says the old lady.

So the cashier sticks a finger in the hole, feels something soft, takes the finger out and says “Ew! That smells like poo!”

“It is poo!” says the old lady. “Now can I buy some toilet paper?”