shaexbutterx

[shaexbutterx]

the woods

After the campsite was ransacked and all my personal belongings were taken from me, I knew exactly what was to come… or at least had a pretty fucking good idea. I’ve been in Sloane long enough to know that pain, starvation, physical and psychological torture, and overall suffering was in store for me in the woods. I spent the first night contemplating what would come first and amusing myself with some morbid internal dialogue:

Starvation you say? Oh, well that pairs nicely with psychological torture. We highly recommend the combination. However, if you don’t feel like starving, there are some berries over there that might kill you or, at least, cause you severe pain and constant diarrhea. We can guarantee you’ll have a miserable time.

Humor. It’s the only way I’ve come to accept the monstrosities that continue to plague me while living in this town. A town that was once presented to me as a safe haven, has now turned into a twisted variation of a maximum-security prison. All the residents are its inmates. We are all given the idea of freedom, but whenever anyone tries to take more than they should, we are all reminded of the lack of freedom we really have. We are prisoners, I should know, I was one for several years.

Maybe that’s why I’m able to handle this? At least better than most. I’ve been put in tough situations. I’ve survived without a phone and internet. I’ve been beaten, tortured and then left for dead. Somehow, I’ve managed to survive all of that, so what’s so different about this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve always been a fighter, and I will continue to fight, for however long Sloane continues to shackle me. Holding onto my past, and reminding myself that I’ve managed to get through hell before and this is nothing different. This mindset and nostalgia of times I wish I could forget are the only things keeping me strong… Even in my weakened state from the pond I so ignorantly drank from. I’ve been through worse, and these waves of unconsciousness are a blessing, at least I can escape the pain for a little while. But I must always come back from it and fight. I have too much to lose if I give into the weakness. I can survive because I’m a survivor and no one or nothing, including Sloane, will ever take that away from me.

[shaexbutterx]

summer

Summer is... Picnics at the park with you, on that old tattered, plaid blanket. Summer is... Feeling the breeze off the harbor coast blowing through my long ravens lock. Summer is... Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as we count the boats coming in and out of the harbor. 

August 23, 1998 - Salem, Massachusetts 

“Come on now, Shae. It’s time for some Mommy and Daughter time.” Melissa excitedly announced to her five year old daughter after placing her ten month old son in the crib for his nap. She glided across the nursery floor, scooping Shae off from the ground, securing her on her hip, as they playfully danced out of the room and down the hallways towards the living room, joyful laughter escaping both of them. Melissa pressed a damp kiss against Shae’s temple before she placed her one the ground, whispering in her ear to go get her shoes before she moved towards her husband and combed her fingers through his salt and pepper hair, “Are you sure you’re okay with Matthew for a few hours?” She questioned with a wide smile, “He should be out for most of the time, he ate a lot.” She chuckled, leaning down and stealing a kiss from Jonathan after he insisted she go and spend time with Shae.

Shae toddled her way back into the room, her light up Barbie doll sandals in her hands, moving towards her parents before the plopped down on the ground and then started to put her shoes on. However, her mother stopped her, pulling the left shoe off of her right foot and reminding her how to tell the difference. Shae was far to excited to listen, nodding her head in agreement, simply to speed up the process. Once she was dressed and ready to go, Melissa grabbed the pre-packed basket and then loaded up the car before driving the pair to the Salem Willow Park.

They made their way to their usual spot, under one of the hanging white willows near the shore, a perfect spot to experience both land and sea. Melissa carefully laid out the blanket before she sat in the middle, patting her leg as Shae moved to join her mother, taking a seat in her lap and leaning back into her chest for comfort. Melisa combed her fingers through Shae’s raven locks, humming happily as the breeze off the harbor tickled over their flesh, the gusts folding the corners of the blanket over, eyes glued to the boats coming in and out of the harbor.

“Look at that one Mommy, it’s blue!” Shae announced as she pointed towards the big boat exiting the harbor, a picture of a mermaid painted on the said and the vessel named, ‘Siren’s Song’. 

“Good job, sweet girl.” Melissa gave her daughter a squeeze, “You’re such a smart little girl, Shae. You are such a good big sister.” She kissed the top of her head before she plucked her from her lap and instead sat her across from her, pulling the picnic basket closer as she pulled out a crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich and handed it to her daughter. 

Summer is... You and me, Mom. Summer is you and me.

[shaexbutterx]

a hit

Shae laid on her bed, drifting in and out of sleep, as her body struggled to let go and succumb to her exhaustion while her paranoid mind kept her awake and alert. She desperately needed the sleep, it was going on day three with only an hour or two of rest. Even if she was awake, her fatigue would surely result in her losing any type of attack, or so she justified to her overworking mind... Just give in and sleep. Allow yourself to reset and be prepared for tomorrow’s battle. After giving in and easing her conscience thoughts, Shae finally drifted into a much needed sleep.

All the while, Daren had already arranged for one of his fellow inmates, Patrick Donovan better known as Patty D, to make his move. Daren knew that Shae would be expecting something to happen, this wasn’t his first time arranging a hit on her. Therefore, he laid out specific details for Patty D:

Take your time with her. She’s smarter than she looks. You need to subtly stalk her in order to learn her routine. Find a good spot to watch her, somewhere in the open, so that she doesn’t get suspicious. Anyone that’s lurking behind her or around her will be noticed, but if you’re in the open, she’ll be too concerned with who might be lurking to look right in front of her. Then, when she’s settled in for the night, cause a distraction...

CLINK.... CLINK...

Shae shot up in bed, her heart racing as she heard the odd noise against her bathroom window. She threw the covers from her frame and then pushed herself off the mattress, reaching for the knife secured on the side of her end table, before venturing into the bathroom to investigate...

...Then, when she falls for the distraction, you need to make a more obvious one. Maybe break a window or something, further away from where your first distraction was, after that it will be time to make your move. Return to the first distraction and get yourself inside. Then you’ll need to hide and wait for your moment. When that happens you’ll do exactly as I tell you...

CRASH!!!

Shae practically jumped out of her robe as she heard the glass shatter outside in her living room, turning away from the bathroom window and moving out of the room and towards the noise. “Hello?” She called out suspiciously, attempting to sound strong and confident, despite the knife that was shaking in her grasp. She turned the corner of the hallway and spotted the brick lying on the ground, surrounded by the broken glass of her sliding door. For fucks sake, what the hell is going on? Shae thought to herself as she made her way to the kitchen, laying down her knife on the counter, before grabbing the broom to start cleaning up the mess. 

As the shards of glass scraped against the ground, it covered up the noise of glass breaking in her bathroom, allowing Patty D to enter her home. He had no weapons on him just as Daren had instructed...

You will come up behind her and surprise her. Maybe just wrap your arms around her and keep her there to showcase your strength. I want her to fear you the minute you touch her. Before anything else, I want you to whisper in her ear, “Daren says hello.”, then do whatever it is you deem fit. I want her to feel everything you do to her, I want you to torture her. I want her to suffer, and I want her to know everything that is happening to her is because of what she did. Make her your own personal play thing, leave her bloodied, broken, and barely alive...

Shae groaned, her entire body aching in pain, wincing as he finished tying her hands behind her back. Patty D had made use of her knife that she left so carelessly on the kitchen counter, using her own weapons against her, as her blood stained the rug beneath the chair she was secured to. Patty D stood before her, playing with the bloodied knife as he grinned at her before he mocked her, “Any final words...” He questioned as he moved back behind her, roughly tugging at her hair as he exposed her neck and placed the blade against her sensitive flesh, “...that I can report back to Daren with?”

Shae knew this was it, unlike the others, Patty was determined to finish the job. She swallowed hard and started to speak, “Tell him...”

SLICE

...and then ask her if she has any final words. Give her one or two words before you slice her neck ear to ear, that way I know I was the last thing on her mind when she died, something that will haunt her even after her death.

[shaexbutterx]

playlist ii

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT - POST MALONE ft. OZZY OSBOURNE & TRAVIS SCOTT

I never needed anything from you And all I ever asked was for the truth (all I ever asked was for) You showed your tongue and it was forked in two Your venom was lethal, I almost believed you (almost believed you) Yeah, you preyed on my every mistake Waited on me to break, held me under hopin' I would drown Like a plague, I was wasting away Tryna find my way out, find my way out (find my way out)

Betrayal is a constant in Shae’s life. There is a long list of people that have taken whatever they wanted and needed from Shae and just left her empty and alone. She has never been one to ask anything of someone, however she always finds herself giving and giving to be left with nothing in return. These people have made her the hardened individual that she is today.

PRAYING - KESHA

Well, you almost had me fooled Told me that I was nothing without you Oh, but after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become 'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

It took a very long time for Shae to recover from the coercion of Daren when she was a teenager. She spent so much of her time in juvenile detention hating herself because of his physical, verbal, and psychological abuse. But over time she realized that she was not that person anymore and has become stronger by understanding the impact of his abuse and letting him and that part of her life go.

BLACKBIRD - THE BEATLES

Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Shae spent her earlier years under the thumb of a sadistic serial killer, and then under the thumb of the authorities of Massachusetts. Once she was free, she had to teach herself how to survive and how to be free. She learned how to survive and arose from the darkness that once overshadowed her life just like the poetic lyrics describe this blackbird.

UPHILL BATTLE - ROZZI

But if I were a different girl It'd be simpler, that's for sure Wouldn't it be nice to be a cool wind, always keep it breezy Ooh yeah, but I am not that easy

No I am who I am And I am a lot to handle You do the best you can But I am... an uphill battle I'll be your solid ground And I'll be your biggest gamble You do the best you can, I know

Complex is an excellent word to describe Shae. She is strong, yet vulnerable. Brave, yet afraid. She knows that anyone who is in her life struggles to understand her complexities, and she embraces those and keeps others around that embrace them too. She’s an excellent friend, lover, and confidant, but many don’t give her a chance because it takes work to get to know her.

HAPPY - PINK

Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch Don't like to talk about my feelings I take another hit, I find another fake fix 'Cause it's easier than healing I don't wanna be this way forever Keep telling myself that I'll get better Every time I try, I always stop me Maybe I'm just scared to be happy

Shae is the Queen of Avoidance especially when it comes to feelings. Despite the several times in her life where she was happy due to feelings she felt for others, she was always let down and/or betrayed by them. Therefore, this song relates to her constant battle of avoidance and happiness. 

WRITTEN IN THE SCARS - THE SCRIPT

In everyone there is a worry And every scratch is a new tattoo 'Cause those lines on your face, they tell a story Of how you became, you became you So put your arms around the doubters And dunk a deuce when they push below their belts They keep it up for the ones who lit the matches 'Cause you get fire proof from going through hell

The amount of people that have hurt, betrayed, left, or made an impact on Shae’s life far exceeds what you can count on two hands. Shae does not regret any of these happenings, instead she credits them for shaping her into the woman she is today. They each have made a mark on her life that she will never forget. 

BROKEN & BEAUTIFUL - KELLY CLARKSON

I never held my hand out and asked for something free I got pride I could roll out for miles in front of me I don't need your help, and I don't need sympathy I don't need you to lower the bar for me... ...Can someone just hold me? Don't fix me, don't try to change a thing Can someone just know me? 'Cause underneath, I'm broken and it's beautiful

Shae is very stubborn and refuses help from anyone. She has an immense amount of pride and gets angry when people try to pity her or “lower the bar” for her. Blame her extreme feminist views or her general stubbornness, but whatever it is, she knows that she can handle anything life throws at her... Despite the many times that life has and will continue to break her.

WILD HORSES - BIRDY

Our human hearts forget how strong they are And they get lost along the way, hey It's not giving up, it's letting go And moving to a better place I will survive and be the one who's stronger I will not beg you to stay I will move on and you should know I mean it Wild horses run in me

So many people in Shae’s life have left and unlike other people who fight to keep them around, Shae refuses to do so. There was a reason that they left, and rather than dwelling on what was, Shae embraces moving on and letting go. She doesn’t always embrace it gracefully, but she does her best and always stays strong.

I’M STILL STANDING - ELTON JOHN

And did you think this fool could never win Well look at me, I'm coming back again I got a taste of love in a simple way And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away You know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

Right now in her life there are a handful of people trying to tear her down through empty threats and taunting gifts, including Daren and Angelo. These men have a mission to ruin Shae’s life, yet it’s been twenty-seven years and she is still standing. She’s a survivor and will continue to be one, regardless of the obstacles thrown in her way.

[shaexbutterx]

connections

VIDALIA BANAI “You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”

Vida is quite literally my favorite person, my absolute best friend, and the only person I really trust. It all started when I stumbled upon a doorway in my salon basement sanctuary that seemed to connect to her neighboring business. I never would have guessed that a visit to Ring of Fire and a simple question about a door would blossom into a lucrative business deal, as well as an amazing friendship. She helps me with my blood supply, not only from her underground business, but also with her newfound interest in pursuing the way of Satan. She might not be interested in converting, but she’s certainly enjoyed learning thus far, and I’ve enjoyed sharing my religion. 

JUNIPER SOLIEL “A true friend stabs you in the front, not the back.”

Upon first meeting, Juniper was brash, judgmental, and plain out rude. I had never met her before, yet she acted like she knew everything about me. But that’s not new in my messed up world. When your name is in the headlines for months on end, most people tend to create their own version of you. This is exactly what Juniper did. However, when I called her out on it, she was one of the few people that actually had a good reason to hate the version of me she created. It took some time, but eventually I convinced her I wasn’t all that bad. I’ve been helping her cope with the traumas of her past because my past happens to provide some illuminating insight.

DONNIE DIMAGGIO “If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”

During a visit to New York, I had the misfortune of stumbling into Donnie’s club. Despite my uneasy feeling upon entry, I decided to stay and to this day I regret it. Although I left the establishment on my own freewill, I was following provided directions and was ambushed in an alleyway and taken back into the club. I was beat, tortured, bound, and abused, not only by Donnie but by his disgusting lackey as well. Thankfully, I refused to let him break me, and with every minute, hour, and day that I fought back I finally gained my freedom. I got out of there, somehow alive and in one piece, and never looked back. Unfortunately for me, Donnie never stopped looking for the one that got away, or so he says, and has now showed up in Sloane in some desperate attempt to prove his dominance over me. It’s a constant back and forth with him, and despite my animosity, Donnie has offered me a lucrative deal that I can’t pass up. Do I really want to go into business with this monster? No. But I’m desperate for cash, and cash is what he’s offering. 

OLIVER JONES “Chance made us colleagues, our craziness made us friends.”

Once I looked at Ollie’s resume, I just had a good feeling about him. He had a questionable past, one in which a lot of employers would immediately pass on him for, but I just happened to understand that. I was him once, lost, alone, and desperate for a chance. A chance to prove that I’m not that person anymore. So, much like my mentor, I took Ollie under my wing and gave him a chance. Not only was my feeling accurate, but we’ve grown from being colleagues to establishing a solid friendship that’s founded on similar views and opinions. Getting to go to work every day and seeing Ollie there, getting to chat with him, and learn from him, and plan our next feminist rally together really grounds me. Not to mention all the clients that we help who come into the salon and silently beg for change. He’s an amazing man, with a troubled past, and it’s no wonder we clicked.

MICK SANDERS “We cannot accomplish all that we need to do without working together.”

Mine and Mick’s meeting was anything but ordinary, but it seems only fitting for a convicted criminal and a storybook killer. See, we both were out hunting and after the same game. Mick won the hunt and took the victim down, but not before I made my presence known. It was a calculated risk, approaching a man dressed up in a Cat in the Hat costume and moving an unconscious male to his trunk, but it was a risk I was willing to take. Maybe, just maybe, I found someone to help me with my rituals. The hunt and transfer is always the worst part for me, and Mick, or should I say Kutter, seems to be an expert. I haven’t asked him for help yet, in fear he may end my life, but I intend to learn as much from him as I can... at least while he tolerates it. 

MIA MITCHELL “Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.”

I was pleased when Mia returned to Sloane and became the town medical examiner. I was quick to strike up a deal with her, in order to discreetly dispose of my ritual sacrifices. She gets rid of the remains and in return she gets free services at the salon. I was expecting more resistance, but she was more than eager to help me out. Part of me is concerned, but the other part is just pleased that the disposal aspect of my rituals is taken care of and in good hands.  

EDEN STARK “You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as being too trusting.”

Eden is still very much a mystery to me. First and foremost, she’s my client, and when she’s in the salon, we have pleasant conversations and everything seems normal. However, she’s recently started to ask me more about my adoption with Heather, which at first seemed normal since she’s attempting to gain custody of her brother... but she came in after blatantly breaking a nail I just filled for her the previous day. It was odd and I remain skeptical. I tend to keep my personal life out of the salon. The chair is there for clients to come in and talk about themselves, the services are for them after all so it only makes sense. However, Eden seems more interested in me and I can’t quite understand why. I guess only time will tell.

MASON DAVILA “Hating you is easy, but healing the scars of being betrayed by you is difficult.”

Mason used to be my best friend. He was one of the few people that reached out to me while I was in the detention center that I remained in contact with outside of lock up. He understood me and I felt comfortable confiding in him in my most vulnerable state. At one point in time he was like a pseudo-father to Heather. However, much like everyone else that I let in, he betrayed me. He took advantage of my vulnerability and played games with me, when he knew how badly I needed some stability. Despite his attempts to reconnect, I have no interest. I will never trust him and I will never respect him. I’d rather just keep my distance as my life has been significantly better since he left it.

AISHA HOSHI “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

In order to incur more profit on my wine bar, I decided to approach Aisha at Sugar Rush in an attempt to collaborate. She would supply sweets to the salon that would pair well with the available wine selection, and in turn she would advertise Shears at her establishment. In fact, we were in the midst of ironing out a date for a wine and chocolate tasting when her shop was robbed. There’s nothing quite like looking up the barrel of a gun to really bond with someone, and it was awesome that two, independent business women were able to take down the vile man who dared to steal from her. I gained a lot of respect for Aisha that day, and I am so excited to continue doing business with her.

RUSSELL CRAWFORD “Safety isn't expensive, its priceless.”

My ex was helping me gather intel on Angelo to eventually take him down, but when that line of communication was cut off, my sense of safety was taken away. Therefore, it seemed fitting that after my relationship crumbled a private investigator strolled into town. Well, not exactly a traditional PI considering Russell’s side business isn’t quite legit, but because of this I hoped I could make my case. I needed a new safety net, and I felt... or more so hoped that Russell could give that to me. I’m unsure exactly how to approach him though. You see, I’ve requested far stranger things from others so this shouldn’t be this hard, but the fact that I’ll be letting a stranger know the darkest and most vulnerable parts of me is intimidating. I’m not sure if doing this is the right thing, but I need help.

ARES PRESCOTT “The supreme importance in war is to attack the enemy’s strategy.”

It’s no surprise that a convicted criminal like myself has some animosity towards authority, especially those in law enforcement. Despite my completely clean record since being released from juvy and during my parole, Ares always makes me a person of interest or suspect in the strange happenings being investigated in Sloane. He seems to forget that there is this infamous person out to get all of us, including himself, and finds it easier to stop by my salon and question me in front of my employees and clients. I can’t stand his holier than thou attitude and his inability to believe that I am not the person I was eleven years ago. So, I intend to do his job better than him and find the real criminal in the next case he decides to accuse me of. Look out Prescott, you’re about to be shown up by a convict.

NOAH DIAZ “Creativity doesn't wait for that perfect moment. It fashions its own perfect moments out of ordinary ones.”

I love my job, and thankfully my clients love my work because this is how I met Noah. Per a recommendation from a former client, Noah was sent my way in order to help her create the look for her on-camera persona. It’s been a blast helping bring this woman to life, and I truly enjoy helping Noah create something that will hopefully keep her safe. Much like her second identity is to be kept secret, our arrangement is completely off the books. I support Noah in her professional endeavors, and by doing so she supports me.

KANE GRIFFIN “You can talk bad about me all you want, but if you say something to hurt my child... no one can save you.”

There are very few people that Angelo inserted into my life that I am thankful for; however, Kane is one of them. He broke into my home one night in an effort to avenge some bullshit story Angelo told about me killing Heather in a support group. I, of course, greeted Kane with a knife and a slice across his arm as I defended my very much alive daughter. He respected my demands, and I allowed him to explain himself while I bandaged up his wound. It was then he confided in me about his son, and maybe it was the whole parent connection thing or whatever, but I believed him and we somehow managed to bond. I look forward to getting to know Kane and his ulterior motives more. I have a feeling we have a lot more in common than just being a parent.

GIO DE SANTOS “Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position.”

I’m not entirely sure why I dislike Gio so much, it’s like I know him from my past but I just can’t place it. Part of me gets this uneasy, distrusting feeling from him and I just can’t shake it. Despite those feelings, he is a raging misogynist and against everything I stand for. So, maybe it’s just that, but I just can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more...

KATARINA REYES “Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.”

One day, this passive, quiet, and beautiful woman walked into the salon in hopes of a total makeover. I saw a lot of myself in her, the uncertainty in oneself and the self doubt, and thankfully for her, I was covering the walk-in appointments that day. While she explained what she wanted, she continued to apologize, and it was clear that this woman had been under someone’s thumb for quite some time. I felt inclined to help her, not just with her makeover, but with her confidence. Much like my other clients, Kat uses the salon chair as a pseudo-therapy chair and confides in me about her past and present. Our once client-stylist relationship has since transformed into this true, pure friendship, and I find myself looking forward to her appointments and also confiding in her. 

JULIAN RUIZ “Appreciate your rude/blunt friends. They’re always the realist.”

Julian, Julian, Julian. Where do I began? On the surface, most probably would not think that the two of us would be friends. In fact, when I first met Julian I thought the same thing. We are very much alike in our personalities, and it’s refreshing to converse with someone who is real and blunt. Sure, I don’t agree with everything he says, but for the most part I respect him as a person... which says a lot in a place like Sloane. I’m happy he decided to come back to Sloane. I missed his public roasting and constant subtweet turned into a direct call out posts. Except... he seems a bit off? I’m unsure exactly what’s going on, but I intend to find out. 

[shaexbutterx]

parents

I remember receiving that phone call from the police station. Asking me, if I was your mother, and that I needed to come down to the station immediately. I thought you were hurt, that you had been involved in some accident. I rushed around the house, dropped Matthew off at the neighbors, and then rushed to the station. However, when I arrived I was told that you were in custody and wanted to speak to me. I was mortified, but mostly I was just embarrassed.

I gave you everything you ever needed in life to succeed, and you just threw it all away. For what?

As I stepped into the interrogation room, the first thing I noticed was your wrist attached to the table by a handcuff. Then, when I looked up, your eye make up was smeared over your cheeks and your eyes were bloodshot. You looked exactly how I felt, you looked like you were wrongly accused and I was ready to defend you. I took a seat across from you, and watched as you fidgeted with the handcuffs and then looked down at your lap.

My stomach was churning, I had no idea what to say, so I just kept repeating, “Sweetie. What is going on? Why are you here?” The questions seemingly echoed throughout the interrogation room until you finally answered them. I listened, my heart breaking with each word, as you reiterated your confession to the involvement in the five murders that had stained our town. 

My baby girl. A... a murderer?

You told me that Daren threatened your life, and that you had no choice but to continue helping him, and that if it weren’t for him visiting his father in Louisiana, you would have continued. You then told me that you were guilty, of it all, that you watched those girls die in front of you... and that you did nothing until now.

My big brown eyes, that matched your own, looked over you once again. I tried to understand, to see the baby girl that I once knew, but now all I saw was a monster. Someone who was too weak to do the right thing, to seek help when she needed it. I tried to convince myself that you turning yourself in now was courageous, but I just kept thinking of the parents of those five girls you helped kill.

How could I support you, and yet mourn for the community? I couldn’t. I had to decide.

I chose you, Shae. I chose to stand by you, through your plea deal and through the testimony you gave against Daren. I was there for you, through it all, and I could tell that you were thankful. You were trying to make amends for what you had done, but my support only hurt our family. 

Your father’s business suffered, not only fiscally, but also with constant vandalism. As soon as we cleaned it up, it was covered again in hateful rhetoric. You brother? He got the worst of it. He was bullied in school, accused of helping you in your crimes. His life was ruined, our life in Salem was ruined. And when you got locked up, I chose to support your father and your brother. They needed a fresh start. I needed a fresh start. So, we left.

You are an embarrassment to the Warren name.

A stain on our seemingly perfect record. You took away our hometown. You strained our relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. Your crimes were unforgivable, and my decision to support you ran us out of town. 

We moved away from our problems that you created. We made a new life for us, and despite my attempts to reach out to you, I have been met with resistance from your father and your brother. They are happy now, just like I hope you are happy.

[shaexbutterx]

where we live iii

Two bedroom, one bath duplex in The Union; Sloane, Massachusetts

Welcome to my home, where I live peacefully with my daughter, Heather, my dog, Zeus, and my cat, Cat. We live on the right side of the pale brick duplex with charcoal colored shutters and flower boxes, and off-white and charcoal colored trim. The flowerboxes are filled with petunias and pansies. There is a welcome mat outside our main entry door that has a drawing of a bee and underneath it reads “our guest”.

We usually live comfortably, although some weeks are more difficult that others, pending if the medical bills for Heather’s physical therapy arrive or not. Due to her physical therapy, we have an open concept floor plan, where the kitchen is only separated from the living room by an island. This gives Heather more than enough room to practice on her walker without banging into things, although she still does a good enough job banging into everything.

I’ve kept a relatively simply décor throughout. Random sketches and drawings adorn the walls, some my own and others just ones I’ve purchased at garage sales or local galleries. Potted and hanging plants are the main staple throughout the home, found in my bedroom, Heather’s bedroom, the three season porch (which acts as my studio), and my living room. 

[shaexbutterx]

easter iii

IN THE PAST

The Warren family was never very religious. They followed Christian practices, but were your typical only Easter and Christmas church-goers. Therefore, Shae hated Easter morning. Instead of hunting for dyed hard boiled eggs the Easter bunny scattered about the house, Shae would be forced to get dressed up in her “Sunday Best” and attend a church service as an outsider.

Her parents acted as if they belonged. Securing a spot up front, causing normal church goers who normally sat there turn their noses up at the Christmas and Easter attendees imposing on their normal Sunday routine. Shae would swing her dainty legs back and forth, limbs not long enough to reach the ground from the pew, unable to sit still as discomfort invaded her being. Even from a young age Shae knew she should be in a church, or rather, the Christian God did not want her there.

PRESENT

Unlike the Christian holiday that celebrates Jesus’s resurrection, a Satanist has no reason to celebrate Easter. In fact, they have no calendar to celebrate any holiday. Satanism is a self-centered religion, that celebrates one’s own wants simply using Satan as a guide. Shae listens to Him, and does as He requests throughout the year for various reasons on a variety of days, but the reason Shae celebrates Easter is of her own accord.

Shae celebrates Easter to share the traditions of the Easter bunny, baskets full of candy, dying eggs, and participating in an Easter egg hung with Heather. Shae does not teach Heather the Christian views, or sentiments, of the holiday. Instead, Shae focuses on the magical elements of a fictional creature. The only elements she so craved in the past, discarding the ones that made her uncomfortable.

Shae, however, does not share the annual ritual sacrifice she partakes in on Good Friday with Heather. Unlike her parents, she wants Heather to find her own faith, whatever it may be. Shae was forced into both Christianity and Satanism when she was young and impressionable, and took her stepping away from both, to figure out what faith she needed in her life.

[shaexbutterx]

things change

What if November 14, 2017 never happened? What would have changed?

Everything would have changed. The whole reason for my life would not exist.

On November 14, 2017, Angelo Martins broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, raped, tortured, and left me for dead. Most people would never want this to happen to them, and I’m in no way shape or form saying I want it to happen again, or to anyone else... But if it wouldn’t have happened the way it did for me, almost two and a half years ago, so many things in my life would be different.

I would still be stuck in Salem, Massachusetts. Living a mediocre life, doing the same thing every day, with no excitement or adventure. I would wake up, get ready for work, stop at the cheeky café for my black coffee, open up the salon for my boss, and then start prepping my station for my packed schedule. I would do trims, cuts, colors, manicures, pedicures, styling, whatever the client wanted. I wouldn’t talk much, only when prompted by the client, and I would learn about them as they tried to stomach the fact that a convicted felon was working on them. They kept coming back because I was one of the best in the town, and despite their hatred for me, their selfish need to look good always won out. I would be content, but not satisfied with my life.

If November 14, 2017 had not happened, I would not have moved to Sloane. I would not be my own boss. And I would not be happy. All things that I am today, March 27, 2020.

I would be alone. After juvy, being alone felt normal. I spent most of my time there isolated, not because of bad behavior, but because everyone hated me. It didn’t change when I got out either. I had no where else to go except back to Salem, and everyone there knew me and hated me. I would have stayed there, living an unhappy life, alone. I would have remained alone because I had nothing to encourage me otherwise. I had no friends to drag me out, and I had no incentive to do so. Why would anyone want to be friends with me?

If November 14, 2017 had not happened, I would never have had Heather. I would not be a mother. I would not be alone. I would not have amazing, loyal friends. I would no know what love is. All things that I am, that I have, and that I know today, March 27, 2020.

I would still be tormented and tortured. Even before the rape, I was receiving phone calls and letters from Daren, threatening me and scaring me to remain alone and secluded. I would have driven myself crazy, trying to ignore his attempts or trying to stop them altogether. I would have become obsessed with Daren, which is exactly what he wanted. I would have started writing to him, begging him to stop, asking him for forgiveness, and the most sickening thing of all, I would have attempted to regain his trust. I would have befriended him, simply because I would have thought it was the best thing to do to save my life. I would have been trapped, in his sick, twisted game, forever.

If November 14, 2017 had not happened, I would not confide in others to bear the weight of my torment. I would not be seeking revenge on those that wronged me. I would not be a strong and independent feminist. All things that I do and that I am today, March 27, 2020.

I would not be the woman I am today. I would not be the Shae Warren that I love, respect, and am proud of. I would not be me.

[shaexbutterx]

timeline

January 1, 1993: Shae Rebecca Warren, the eldest of the Warren children, was born in Salem, Massachusetts to Jonathan and Melissa Warren.

October 23, 1997: Matthew Ryan Warren, the youngest of the Warren children, was born in Salem, Massachusetts to Jonathan and Melissa Warren.

September 30, 2000: Shae had her first sleepover with her new school friend, Theresa Oakley.

August 13, 2006: Shae started her first day at Salem High School as a member of the graduating class of 2011.

August 27, 2006: Daren Andrews, a fellow student in Shae’s art class, asked Shae out on a date.

For the first time in her life, a boy had noticed her, and Shae was immediately swept up in his charming, handsome, and mysterious demeanor. He was older, in fact, he was a repeat senior. Her parents disapproved of Daren upon their first meeting, but their disapproval only encouraged Shae to continue pursuing him.

November 2, 2006: Shae joins Daren at one of his gatherings.

This was her first exposure to Satan, and she was immediately enthralled. It was completely different from the normal, mediocrity of her everyday life. She was eager to continue learning and diving head first into this exciting world of Satanism with the man she loved.

November 11, 2006: Shae walked into Daren’s garage for a normal meeting, but was met with the horrific scene of Daren and three other male followers raping, torturing, and killing one of her schoolmates, Deanna Miller.

Before she could run out, Daren spotted her and tied her up on a chair and forced Shae to watch. Once all was done, Daren threatened Shae that if she did not do as she was told, or keep her mouth shut, she would be next.

November 18, 2006: Shae lured Theresa Oakley, her childhood friend, to Daren’s garage and was forced to watch her death.

November 28, 2006: Shae lured Lindsey Swackhammer, her classmate, to Daren’s garage and was forced to watch her death.

December 5, 2006: Shae lured Allison Butchell, her neighbor, to Daren’s garage and was forced to watch her death.

December 7, 2006: Shae lured Suzanna Prescott, the young neighbor of Daren (per his request), to Daren’s garage and was forced to watch her death.

December 10, 2006: Shae went to the Police and told them everything about Daren, unable to stomach the horror she witnessed during Suzanna’s death. She confessed to helping Daren, and gave them all the information they needed to find the girls and convict the monster and his accomplices.

February 13, 2020: Shae plead guilty to five counts of accessory to murder, and was offered a plea deal of a limited sentence in a juvenile detention center as long as Shae testifies against Daren and his accomplices.

February 14, 2020: Shae appeared in court, for the first time in front of Daren since turning him in, and testified against him.

February 2007 - November 2012: Shae spent five years in the Massachusetts Juvenile Detention Center where she spent a majority of her time isolated from the other juveniles and working in the salon where she started to fall in love with cosmetology.

November 21, 2012 - December 31, 2014: Shae spent two years on probation, where she completed weekly drug tests, attended mandated psychiatric appointments, and worked on obtaining her cosmetology licenses while working as an administrative assistant at Shears Salon in Salem, Massachusetts.

January 1, 2015: Shae received her annual birthday call from Daren in prison, however this time he knew far more about her life than usual. He was aware she was off parole, where she was living, where she was working, and before hanging up he left her with a threatening taunt… One in which he continued to use for years to come through letters, packages, phone calls, etc. etc.

January 2015 - November 2017: Shae laid low, kept to herself, and worked to build up her clientele at the salon, all the while battling the constant rumors, hate mail, and threats she received on a day-to-day basis.

November 14, 2017: Shae was attacked in her sleep by Angelo Martins, where he brutally tortured and raped her. He left her for dead, tied to a chair in the middle of her apartment.

November 15, 2017: Due to her stellar attendance and dedication to her work, Shae was quickly found in her apartment after only 36 hours.

November 15 - December 20, 2017: Shae was placed in a medically induced coma to keep her, and her unborn child, alive during her recovery. December 20 was the first day Shae was responsive enough to understand and respond to the news of her torture and her pregnancy.

July 11, 2018: Shae gave birth to a baby girl who was diagnosed with down syndrome. The family she had originally picked to adopt her backed out of their agreement upon the diagnosis, and Shae worked with the social worker to place her daughter to a loving couple from Sloane, Massachusetts.

March 23, 2019: After trying to deal with her new life, Shae realized how lonely and empty she was and started thinking about what she needed to feel full again. Therefore, she decided to track down her biological daughter which led her to Sloane, Massachusetts.

April 1, 2019: Official opening of Shears Salon.

June 12, 2019: After months of custody battles after Heather’s adoptive parents abandoned her, Shae finally won her case against the state and Heather officially became Heather Warren.

January 1, 2020: Shae’s 27th birthday. She was woken up to Heather screaming, her daughter’s room ransacked, and a note from one of her tormentors. Either Daren, Angelo, or T.F.

January 19, 2020: While in Amsterdam, Shae’s apartment was burnt down by Angelo as he taunted her through her security system and demanded he have access to his daughter.

January 19, 2020 - Present: Shae is attempting to plan revenge against Angelo, as well as continue to run a successful business, manage her relationship, and protect Heather ferociously.

[shaexbutterx]

At the sound of Heather’s cries, I turned my head to look at the monitor, smiling as she managed to pull herself up from the rails and stand on her mattress. I released a soft sigh and reached towards the end table, illuminating the screen of my device to show the time... 4:42am. I dropped my phone on the mattress before sitting up in bed, swinging my feet over the edge of the mattress, and then pushing myself up to go tend to Heather’s cries. Just another typical morning.

As I plucked Heather from her crib and then moved towards the kitchen, I set her up in her high chair and then started to prepare her some breakfast. I flicked on the television, allowing the cartoons to consume Heather’s attention, as I prepared her oatmeal and got lost in my thoughts. Everything about this morning would be normal to anyone else. A normal mother, a normal daughter, a normal morning. But nothing about me is normal. Absolutely nothing.

I put on a good act. It’s probably the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. Act like I’m normal, when really, deep down, I’m just holding back the monster inside of me. She comes out when I’m in the basement of my salon, my true self, and the power that I yield while holding my sacrificial blade. My facade that I’ve mastered over the years — the vibrant hair, eccentric makeup, inked skin and decorated nails— they all fade when I’m at the alter and I can embrace my inner self. I can finally let the monster that Daren created out to play, and oh, does it play.

Blood stained clothes and skin, colorful hair tied back in a knot, hands steady and calm, left palm bleeding from the initial offering… this mess of a girl, ney monster, this is what I see every time I look in a mirror. Does my everyday disguise work? Does Heather see that goofy, decorated woman as her mother, or does she see the monster that I am? Does anyone else see what I really am? Or can I continue on, fooling those around me, in an attempt to fool myself?

Heather’s screech and tiny hands pounding against her high chair tray pulled me back to reality, tasting the now lukewarm oatmeal before moving towards my daughter and placing it on the tray. Heather flashed me a wide smile, jabbering at me, before digging into the oatmeal and making more of a mess of the meal than actually eating the meal. I laughed, combing my manicured fingers through her hair, the girl not flinching or even bothered by my touch. ‘It must be working,’ I thought to myself, ‘But for how much longer?’

[shaexbutterx]

diy cs

Would you consider yourself a pessimist or an optimist? 100% a pessimist. 

What is the one thing that makes you the happiest in the world? My daughter, Heather.

What is the one thing that makes you the saddest in the world? When people betray me.

What do you do to cheer yourself up? Put on a record and get lost in my art.

Are you a leader or a follower? I think it depends. I want to say a leader, but I feel I am often a follower. I don’t like being the center of attention.

Are you proud of the person you are today? I am. I know I’m not perfect, far from actually. But I have worked hard to get to where I am and I’d be a fool not to be proud.

Is your current job on your ideal career path, or is it just a stop along the way before you get to where you really want to be? My current job is exactly what I want. It’s literally a dream come true.

Do you have any regrets? If so, describe one. No. Regrets are a waste of time, what happened in my life has shaped me into who I am today. Without all the horrible things, I wouldn’t be myself. 

Do you have any bad habits? If so, what? I’m incredibly self-deprecating when I receive compliments.

Do you have any triggers? If so, what? I wouldn’t say it’s a trigger.. But I tense up and close up whenever someone wants to talk about my trial or ask how Heather was conceived.

How often do you care about how you look? More than I would like to admit. My job entails making others look beautiful, and clients are more inclined to trust you when their stylist looks good.

What is your general style? I have a complicated and weird style. It kinda depends on the day, but my go-to is usually a grungy eccentric look. 

Do you accessorize? If so, with what? Allllll the time. You name it, I use it. But I’m always wearing a necklace.

How often do you treat, color, cut, etc. your hair? I’d be a hypocrite if I told my clients every six to eight weeks and I didn’t follow my own guidelines. I work in a salon, and my employees always wanna experiment and my head is usually the one they choose. 

Do you have tattoos? If so, how many? Oh gosh, so many. If I had to guess, I’d say 12. They’re mostly small ones on my arms, but I also have one on my calf and one on my side.

What is the significance of your favorite tattoo? If you do not have a tattoo, what kind of tattoo would you get? My favorite tattoo is my infinity sign with the word ‘Mom’ inscribed in it. I got it once I had Heather, reminding myself that being a mother was part of myself now.

Do you have piercings? If so, where? Yeah. Just a slew of them in my ears. Although I’ve considered more.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the ugliest, how would you rate your appearance? This falls back to the self-deprecating thing... I hate judging others, and mostly myself, so I’ll just say I’m a solid 5 cause it’s neutral. 

What is your preferred social media platform? Honestly, if I could disconnect from all social media altogether - that would be my favorite. But since that is impossible this day in age, I would have to say Instagram.

What was your most recent post about? Probably some moody quote and a selfie, or a photo of my daughter. I can’t be bothered to check.

[shaexbutterx]

graveside

Allison Marie Butchell - 1991 - 2006

“Until we meet again.”

Shae stood before Allison’s grave, frowning as the rain trickled against the headstone. Shae watched the rain drops run down the engraved granite, her eyes squinting shut as vivid flashbacks of Allison’s death jarred her memory. This day was always the hardest day for Shae, but it was necessary. She was responsible for this girl’s death, regardless of if she partook in any of the horrors Allison was subjected to in her final hours. She lured her to her death, and Shae would never forget her name, or the others she put in harms way. 

Shae bent down, plucking a single rose from the bouquet of five she held in her arm. She placed the single rose in front of the headstone, and then reached her hand forward and pressed her palm against the engraved name of the headstone, “I’m sorry, Allison.” She stood up, moving back towards her beat up Toyota Camry and then left the cemetery and made her way to the next one.

Lindsey Joan Swackhammer - 1993 - 2006

“Life is not forever. Love is, and we will love you always.”

Parking her car on the familiar side road, Shae cut the engine and then looked out the window, ensuring no one else was around. She always did her annual visits on a day with shitty weather, hoping that she would be alone, and no grieving family would chase her off. Opening the car door, Shae then quickly made her way towards her next stop. Her dark brown hues looked over the elegant headstone, it was well-maintained and recently visited, due to the bouquets of tulips that rested on either side of the stone.

Shae frowned, crouching down and placing another single rose in front of the headstone, “I’m sorry, Lindsey.” She nodded, placing her palm on the female’s name once more, her eyes fluttering shut as Lindsey’s screams seemed to echo through the empty cemetery. The pad of her thumb brushed against the ‘S’ of her name before she pushed herself up and then travelled a few rows back.

Deanna Edith Miller - 1990 - 2006

“Even as the sun goes down to end the light of day, it's rising on a new horizon somewhere far away.”

Deanna was the one that started it all. Shae had stumbled into her torture, uninvited, and as a consequence Shae was forced to watch. She was the start of Daren’s horrific reign, and although Shae wished every day she never stumbled into the morbid scene, she knew that had she not found him in his darkest moments - Daren would have gotten away with murder for far longer.

“I’m so sorry, Deanna.” Shae admitted as she bent down in front of the old, sun washed headstone. She pulled at the weeds that had grown around the stone, tossing them to the side before placing her third rose in front of the headstone. “You deserved better.” She nodded, reaching for her name and tracing her fingers against her name. “I’m sorry I failed you.” Shae nodded and then pushed herself up, jogging back to her car to make her way to the next cemetery.

Suzanna Renee Prescott - 1994 - 2006

“Today she dances with angels.”

Suzanna’s grave was always unkempt, she was a foster child after all, and this was all her foster family could afford to give her. She was the youngest victim, but Daren’s favorite by far. He requested her after seeing her perform at a ballet recital he attended for his step sister. After some resistance, and a brutal reminder that he was in complete control, Shae had easily lured her back to Daren’s garage where he brutalized her tiny frame.

Shae parked her car on the side of the county highway, grabbing the fourth rose from the bouquet, and then trudged through the tall grass towards the small, fenced off cemetery. She carefully pushed aside the weeds and grass until she spotted the tiny headstone, ripping at the grass and tossing it over the fence, making her headstone visible. “I’m sorry, Suzanna. Truly.” Shae crouched down, carefully placing the rose on the headstone and then traced her name slowly before returning to her car to make her final stop.

Theresa Elisabeth Oakley - 1993 - 2006

“Our brief partings on Earth will appear one day as nothing beside the joy of eternity together.”

After maneuvering through the winding cemetery road, Shae pulled off the side and then cut the engine once more. She spotted the gravesite, next to her father’s, who died shortly after his daughter’s body was found. After a nice, shy girl accepted the offer to help search for Shae’s missing dog, and entire family was ripped from the world due to torture and grief. Frank Oakley never got to see his daughter get justice, and this gravesite was always the worst for Shae.

Theresa was Shae’s friend. They had been friends since second grade, and she was the first victim that Shae lured to her death. She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew Theresa would follow her. She had no reason not to trust her, until it was far too late. Shae slammed her hand against the steering wheel in frustration as a vision of Theresa bloodied and strapped to the workout bench asking her ‘Why?’ repeated over and over in her head. Shae took a deep breath, centering herself before she plucked her final rose sitting on her passenger seat.

Shae exited her car and then ran towards the headstone, the rain picking up in intensity as it pelted against her milky flesh. She carefully brushed her hand against the stone, wiping off the water that had collected in the engravements. Shae then placed the rose on top of the in ground headstone, giving her head a shake as she choked over her next statements, “I’m sorry I betrayed you Theresa.” She pushed herself up and quickly retreated, the guilt of all of her visits washing over her as she returned to her car and then broke down in the driver’s seat before heading back to Sloane.

[shaexbutterx]

influences

MONIKA HANOVER

AGE: 42

RESIDENCE: Salem, MA

OCCUPATION: Owner of Shears Salon

RELATIONSHIP TO SHAE: Previous Boss

_____________________________________________

Shae looked over her resume, chewing at her plump bottom lip as she read over the minimal experience, and then took a deep breath before she pushed open the salon door. The ‘Now Hiring’ sign still hung proudly in the window, and under the strict requirements of her parole, Shae was required to get a job. Unfortunately, having a well known name in a small town did not bode well for landing a job fresh out of the Youth Center. Especially when your name was known for the Satanic copy-cat crimes that terrified the town only four years ago. However, she hoped her experience in the center’s salon would help, at least somewhat. 

Stepping into the brightly colored salon, Shae cleared her throat as she moved towards the front counter and then patiently waited. She offered a smile towards one of the employees, who was busy foiling a woman’s hair. “Someone will be right with you, sweetie. Go ahead and sign in.” 

Shae nodded, looking down at the clipboard and lifting up the pen before she paused, looking back at the employee before offering her a nervous smile. “I’m here about the hiring sign. Should... Should I still sign in?”

“Oh, great!” The woman exclaimed and then gave her head a shake, “No need to sign, just take a seat and I’ll be right with you. Just gonna finish her up and get her under the dryer.” She lifted a hand and pointed towards the plush chairs lining the wall before returning her attention back to her client.

Shae placed the pen back down and then moved towards the chairs, taking a seat and sitting back on the cushion, releasing a small sigh. She started to look over her resume again, rehearsing her lines in her head before returning her attention to the employee.

She was an older woman, dark brown hair that was asymmetrically cut at her shoulders. Her arms were covered in tattoos, and her nails long and colorful. She was a walking billboard for the salon, and Shae instantly felt inadequate. She had covered her tattoos and her roots were growing out from her pink dyed hair. 

About half an hour later, the woman was shuffling towards the dryer chair and the employee was cleaning up her station. She then moved past the front desk and plopped down in the chair next to Shae and jutted her hand out, “I’m Monika, owner and stylist here at Shears. Is that your resume?”

Shae smiled, shifting her body to face the woman as she took her hand in hers and gave her a firm handshake. “It’s great meeting you, Monika. I’m...” Just like always she hesitated, pulling her hand back from the woman’s before finishing her statement, “I’m Shae, Shae Warren. Thank you for meeting with me.” She looked down at her resume, nodding her head before extending it out towards Monika, “Sure is. It’s not much, but I’d be more than willing to provide any more details, if needed.”

Monika’s lips pursed together at Shae’s name, nodding her head slowly in acknowledgement before she took the resume and started to look over it. It was already more than anyone else had done. Normally her name was a deal breaker and she was asked to leave. However, Monika was different. Shae kept her dark brown hues glued on the woman, attempting to gauge her reaction. 

“So, they let you use scissors at the detention center? You must have been a good inmate then, hm? That says a lot.” Monika placed the resume down on her lap and then looked over at Shae, releasing a small chuckle, “Sorry if that’s not appropriate. Not often do we have someone as famous as you come into the salon.”

Shae pressed her lips together, her fingers nervously knitting together as she released a nervous laugh, “No, no. It’s fine. But, uh, yeah. I got out early, which most weren’t pleased about.” She admitted bluntly, scrunching up her nose before continuing, “But I learned a lot while working there. Mostly just proper trimming technique and also some creative freedom with nails, when I had the chance.”

Monika nodded her head, genuinely interested in what Shae was saying, her brightly colored lips curling into a wide smile, “Honestly, Shae, that’s fucking awesome. However, with no formal training I can’t legally have you working with clients. Would you be able to attend cosmetology school?”

Shae sighed, her stomach knotting as she felt the subsequent rejection coming, “Unfortunately, I have to secure a job for my parole, and being a student isn’t considered a job. I already tried, going to cosmetology school was my first thought. It’s... what I want.”

“Well alright then.” Monika pushed herself up from the chair, extending her hand towards Shae, “It’s a deal then. You’ll work part-time here at the front counter. You’ll answer the phone, handle the scheduling, and clean around the salon.” Monika nodded, “But you have to attend cosmetology school and work towards that license, so you can eventually be here full time. Think your PO will be okay with that?”

Shae was shocked as the woman offered her a job, immediately pushing herself off the chair and took her hand in hers, shaking it once more. “He... He should. I just need employment, no stipulation as to the type. I... wow. Th-thank you so much.” Shae released Monika’s hand, grinning ear to ear in total gratitude, “I promise you won’t regret this.”

Monika laughed softly, moving towards the front counter and grabbing a business card, “Oh, I might. I can already sense the amount of complaints I’ll be getting from having you work for me. But, I’ve never been one to stick to the status quo. I like to push the boundaries...” She paused, handing Shae the business card, “Plus I’ve had that sign up for three months, and you’re the first person to show interest. I’d be a fool to pass up help, seeing as I desperately need it. Give your PO my card, and if he has any questions about our arrangement, I will gladly answer them. I gotta get back to Tamara though, I’ll... uh, see you tomorrow? Eight o’clock.”

Shae nodded, “Eight o’clock works for me. Thank you again. I’ll start on my applications tonight.” Shae offered Monika a wave, and then exited the salon. For the first time since the trial, a human looked at Shae like she was a human, and not a monster. For the first time in her adult life, she felt like she had a chance to start over and make a new name for herself, with the help and support of Monika.

[shaexbutterx]

holiday 2019

New Years Eve - December 31, 2014 - Salem, MA

“Enjoy your night, Ms. Warren. You deserve it. You’re truly a free woman now.” Mr. Carfigulo muttered on the other end of the line. “You’ve a lot of life ahead of you, and unlike many of the other parolees I’ve worked with, I don’t imagine I’ll be seeing you again. Happy New Year!” He paused, hearing paper being shuffled in the background before he quickly added, “Oh! And Happy Birthday!”

“Thank you Mr. Carfigulo. Happy New Year to you, too.” Shae admitted, pulling her cell phone away from her face and ending the call. She placed the device down on the coffee table, sighing softly as she reached for the remote and flicked on the television nestled in the corner of her small, one bedroom apartment. 

She flipped through the stations before landing on Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest, smiling at the video of people bundled up, standing around the ball, and celebrating the holiday. For once, Shae was able to truly celebrate the holiday. She didn’t have a curfew tonight, didn’t have a “random” drug test tomorrow, and her co-workers constantly came to work hungover, and considering it was the eve of her twenty-first birthday, most were expecting her to call in sick for her shift tomorrow.

However, tonight was no different then any other ordinary night. Shae had absolutely no plans. Being forced to stay in a town, where everyone knew her, and knew about her past, made establishing friendships next to impossible. All she had were her clients and her co-workers at the salon, all of which had families of their own and established plans for months. Sure, those that knew her knew she was no harm, but their friends didn’t know that. So being invited along was just not plausible.

Shae jumped slightly as her ringer chimed, indicating a phone call, being pulled back to reality from her wandering thoughts. She reached for the phone, scrunching up her nose as the screen indicated a private caller. She slid her finger over the touchscreen to answer the call, hesitating slightly before speaking, “Hello?”

There is a slight pause before the pre-recorded message starts to play, “You have a call from an inmate at the Massachusetts Correctional Facility, if you wish to accept this call and the associated charges, please press pound. If you do not wish to accept this call, please hang up the phone. Thank you.”

Shae froze, all of the blood draining from her face, before she pulled the phone back and quickly hung up. She attempted to concentrate on the party being televised before her, but she knew he would try again. It was becoming a tradition.

Sure enough, the phone rang again and Shae listened to the pre-recording again before she pressed the pound key. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, bringing the phone back to her ear before she coldly spoke, “What do you want?”

And sure enough, there it was, the all too familiar chuckle of Daren Andrews, the sound sending a chill up her spin, her pale flesh raising with goosebumps as he spoke, “Oh, c’mon now, Shae. Aren’t you happy to hear from me?”

Shae’s heart was pounding, unsure how he managed to get her new cell phone number, again. She shook her head, even though she knew he couldn’t see her, clearing her throat before she spoke evenly, attempting to hide her nerves, “What do you want, Daren?”

Daren chuckled once again, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth as he spoke once more, “Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, as it very well may be your last one.” He paused, allowing silence to fill the line before he eventually broke it, “I have an appeal this year, and my lawyer is saying I have a good chance of getting off. Says if your record gets expunged, we may have a chance to fight it.”

Shae opened her mouth, ready to argue with him, but the line went dead. Was he telling her the truth? Would expunging her minor record be some fucked up loophole that could get him out? Allow him to terrorize her life more than he already was? Or was this just some ruse to get her to further ruin her life, and keep a permanent record of her past indiscretions with him?

She quickly pushed herself off the couch and moved to her bedroom, retrieving her laptop from the bed and returning the couch, vigorously searching the Internet for answers to all of her questions. She quickly got pulled into the Google rabbit hole, reading every legal document and judge hearing she could. Before she knew it, the countdown was happening, and as she looked up from her computer screen, she released a soft sigh as the confetti burst from the ball and the clock turned to midnight.

Shae closed her laptop and placed it on the coffee table, pushing herself off of the couch and moving towards the door, slipping her feet into her shoes and grabbing her keys before bundling up and exiting her apartment. She made her way to the twenty four hour gas station down the block, entering the store and grabbing a bottle off wine off of the shelf. 

If this was going to be her last year, then she might as well enjoy it. After all, she was a free woman, better live it up before dealing with this Daren bullshit in the morning.

[shaexbutterx]

religion

Satanism is the self-acceptance, self-indulgence, and self-respect of an individual. Much like Christianity, Satanist have their own commandments to live by. Unlike the ten commandments that Moses provided to his followers, Anton LaVey preached the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ and provided reasons as to why these seven sins were in fact, not sinful in nature, only sinful if guilt was felt after indulging. I willingly, and often indulge in at least one, if not more, of the seven sins daily. Below are the seven sins that I live by, and how they have impacted and guided my life in the direction that it has gone.

ENVY – Looking with favor upon the possessions of others…

After release from the detention center, I was envious of others that had normal lives, normal jobs, and normal day to days. I was on parole, everyone in Salem knew who I was and knew their own version of my story. I was getting drug tested weekly, getting rejected from job after job, and just not able to have a life outside of my past. I was struggling and felt like I had no direction and was envious of those that did. Therefore, instead of doing nothing, I used my jealous nature as ambition. If not to prove the haters wrong, but to give myself the life that I knew I deserved.

GREED – Wanting more than what one already has…

Very similar to envy, as the two sins typically go hand in hand, once I started to get a taste of a normal life, I wanted more and more. I indulged in work, becoming one of the best at the salon and my hard work eventually paid off. I got more clients, and in turn more work, and in turn more money. The extra work made buying things to make for a normal life easier, and the more satisfied customers I had, the more clients that came in and requested me as their stylist. Greed fueled my work ethic, to be the best of the best, and to never be satisfied with what I have because you can always have more.

PRIDE – Wanting to look good…

Pride can also motivate one to do great, altruistic things. Pride has helped me become the feminist that I am today. I am a proud woman, and my actions, in turn hopefully make other women proud of themselves. But in general, if activism wasn’t motivated at least a little bit by pride, there would be fewer Instagram photos of people holding protest signs, attending walks, charity galas, etc. Pride is the guiding force to most altruism, despite if the person is truly volunteering or not, there is a part of them feels good after doing something, and if you feel good about yourself, then you are proud to be who you are.

GLUTTONY – Simply eating more than you need to keep yourself alive…

Food is quite possibly my one, and only, true friend. It is always there for me whether a good day, bad day, or just a boring day. Having an excess of food is not unhealthy or unruly, it is simply a way of protecting yourself and staying alive. I’m not always the best at keeping a fully stocked fridge, but there’s restaurants readily available to serve me at all hours of the day, and when I am hungry, I eat, and in turn, I live another day.

SLOTH – Not wanting to get out of your warm and cozy bed…

Everyone has a lazy day, and for our mental health, it is often necessary. Indulge in the sloth and clear your head of the nagging responsibilities and overwhelming feelings you are faced with on the day to day. Taking a day, or two, or seven to just, lay in your warm cozy bed and do absolutely nothing is amazing. I often do this. Turn off my phone and my mind, and just indulge in the carefree nature of laziness. It helps with my mental health, and whenever anyone expresses anxiety, or stress, or depression to me, I highly recommend the ways of the sloth.

LUST – Lust is lust…

This one is self-explanatory. However, during the satanic panic, the lust sin really got exploited. I’ve seen it with my own eyes being exploited, and for years I thought that being a Satanist meant aggressive, forced, non-consenual sex. But after research and interpreting LaVey’s bible, I’ve come to realize that Satanist’s are quite the opposite. Most are extremely pro-consensual, and infact, far more open to exploring and indulging in their fetishes and kinks. They do not judge others for their interests in sec, in fact their kinks are encouraged, as long as it does not involve those who do not wish to be involved. LaVey likes to say that Satanists are a master of sex, rather than mastered by sex. I won’t toot my own horn and say that I am a master of sex, but I know what I want, what I like, and what I lust for.

WRATH – Making yourself a Terror to your adversary…

Many who do not follow Satanism think that this sin is the end all be all, and that every Satanist is angry, negative, and hates the world. I would say that is an exaggerated stereotype, as I’ve lived in Sloane for almost a year now, and there seems to be more people that hate the world than me. But nonetheless, EVERYONE feels wrath, and in the grand scheme of things, LaVey’s primary view on wrath is to treat those who do not follow the Golden Rule with the wrath that they deserve. He also preaches that you cannot love everyone, and that it is more than okay to indulge in your wrath and hate them and wish them harm. The key word there is ‘wish’. I won’t claim I’ve never inflicted physical or emotional harm, I absolutely have, and I am never guilty afterwards. But I often wish harm on those that have done me wrong, and I typically do this in my prayers to Satan.

[shaexbutterx]

trent foster

Abigail poked her head into the break room, her bleach blonde locks tied up in a top knot, extending a finger and pointing at Shae. “There is some extremely handsome man at the front counter asking for you, Shae Warren.” She grinned, not bothering to move out of the door frame as the other employees in the break room ‘ooh-ed’ and ‘ahh-ed’ at the comment.

Shae rolled her eyes, unsure of who could possibly be visiting her, specifically what man. She’d been laying low ever since her release from the youth center, focusing on her work and attempting to patch up her destroyed reputation. She pushed herself up from the chair, moving towards the door and stopping in front of Abigail, “You gonna let me by, or...?”

Shae raised an eyebrow as Abigail grinned, giving her head a shake before she stepped to the side, allowing Shae to walk by her. “If only I were so lucky. We expect details, ASAP, Warren.”

As Shae stepped by her and escaped the school girl behavior of her colleagues, rolling her eyes once more as she quickly exited the back of the salon and made her way through the main floor and towards the front counter. Her dark brown hues examined the stranger from a distance. It was definitely a man she had never seen before, and she felt her heart drop to her stomach, anxiety washing over her frame. 

What does he want?

Shae swallowed down her panic as she approached the counter, offering the handsome stranger a small smile before she raised an eyebrow, “Can I help you with something, sir?” She kept her gaze glued to him as she licked over her lips, turning towards the computer monitor and waking it from its sleeping state as she started to fiddle with the schedule, “Did you have an appointment or something?”

The silence had been deafening, and the longer he waited to speak, the more convinced Shae was that this man was not a friend. She cleared her throat and was about to ask him another question, but froze as the man finally spoke, “Shae Warren. It’s a pleasure.” He extended his strong hand, past the counter top, “I’m Trent Foster, I was hoping to speak with you about something I found out, and ultimately offer my help.” He nodded before continuing, “I’m a very generous man, and I just, I couldn’t live with myself if I did nothing.”

Shae looked down at his hand, carefully pulling her own away from the keyboard and then giving him a handshake. She listened to his words, eerie in nature, her arms defensively crossing over her chest as she nodded slowly, “Well,” She started and then gestured towards the empty chairs in the lounge area, “Let’s talk then.” She nodded as she moved out from behind the counter and towards the chairs, taking a seat on the edge, her feet firmly on the ground ensuring she could make an easy escape if need be.

Once the male took the seat beside her, he crossed one leg over the other and then cleared his throat, lifting his hand and combing his fingers through his styled hair, “I, too, am a criminal.” He started, in an attempt to relate to her, but also making it very clear that he knew who she was, “And while I served my time, I was able to meet Daren.”

At the mention of his name, Shae immediately tensed up. It had been years since someone spoke directly to her about her crimes and her association with that monster. She knew people whispered and theorized behind her back, but for this stranger to barge into her place of work and be so nonchalant about her indiscretions it rubbed her the wrong way. She was about to stop him and ask him to leave, but as she opened her mouth, Trent raised his hand and lifted his finger, stopping her from interrupting, before he continued.

“Daren Andrews is a dangerous man, and he has quite the vendetta for your, Ms. Warren. He approached me upon rumor of my release and told me all about what happened. He offered me a large sum of cash to find you and kill you.” He paused, allowing the news to sink in, “From what I’ve heard, he’s been doing this any chance he can get. I was not his first, and I am certain I will not be his last. Therefore, I fear it won’t take long before one of those inmates does it for him.”

The male had her full attention know, the story he was telling was certainly plausible. She had testified against the male and essentially ruined his life and his growing cult. The fact that he hated her was no surprise, but why would this stranger be so considered about her well-being? There had to be more than what Trent was telling her. Therefore, instead of thanking the man for this information, she built up her walls and threw accusations at him, “Is this some sick, twisted way of stringing me along before you jump me at my car and get your reward?”

Trent’s brow furrowed as she became defensive, clearly not expecting that reaction. He gave his head an immediate shake, quickly protesting her words, “Absolutely not. Shae, I’m here to help. I want to provide you a safe haven, not too far from here, in Sloane, Massachusetts. I can promise you Daren and his paid off goons won’t find you there, for as long as I’m alive.” He nodded, fishing in his pocket and pulling out a business card, “I’m offering you safety Shae, a fresh start in a new town.”

Shae hesitantly reached for the card, taking it between her fingers and reading over the words, sighing softly as she looked back at the male who was now standing before her. “I understand your hesitance, Shae. I am not going to force you to come with me, I am sincere in wanting to help. So, just call me, when you are ready to start over.” He nodded his head and then added, “Hopefully you call before it’s too late.” He flashed her a grin and then lifted his shoulders in a shrug, and left the salon as quickly as he entered it.

Shae stayed stuck to the cushion of the chair, holding the card, her eyes shifting from the phone number to the door, unable to ease the paranoia that now manifested inside of her. Was Trent genuine? Or was this just one of Daren’s mind games and he was just leading her into a trap? She finally pushed herself off the chair, slipping the business card into her back pocket, unable to properly process everything that had just been unloaded on her.

I thought the nightmare was over. But it sounds like it’s just beginning.