shaysawesome

[shaysawesome]

just a little chunk of hope

keeps me going

keeps me going everyday

the bathroom floor is cold

[shaysawesome]

One day i wish to be as beautiful as the notes that the keys on a piano plays

I wish to play just as beautifully as the songs my ears have learned

One day i will become a piano key

Then will I be of use to this world in the most extravagant way?

Will I become such a beautiful thing that I bring attention from all who listen?

I doubt, truely, that I could ever become such.

A piano's keys, glossy and smooth, are far more beautiful than the features I wear on my face.

Will I ever be as beautiful as that?

Will I ever bring attention from all that stand near?

I suppose not.

But the keys of the piano will forever play in my memory.

If I am no longer of being on this planet, I wish for the piano to play in my favor.

I wish for the beautiful notes that allure all around to play in my honor.

For I could not have ever become of this beauty.

So let it play for me, let my absence be in the light of a symphony.

Let it not be looked upon as a moment of disarray.

Let my death be looked upon as something elegant and graceful

Let my dying wish be beautiful in all of its very aspects.

So that when you hear it play, you become captivated in a world in which I am not.

Forget of my memory, for i am a loss that was never of importance.

Listen to the notes and become drawn to its sound.

Forget of me.

I am nothing to be remembered.

Forever keep the memory of those beautiful keys in your mind.

For that is what I have wished to become.

[shaysawesome]

I looked at the ceiling for a while, I cried a few tiny tears, I looked back at my hands and wondered why the fuck I’m still here. I don’t want to go to school. What’s the point anymore. I cant do it. I can’t remember it, I’m not getting good enough grades. why the fuck am I alive. I’m tired. I’m exhausted in all aspects still I sit here in my bed with a pulse. this shit sucks.

[shaysawesome]

the day is gloomy and wet

what am I to do if the sky is away?

the day is sad and dull

i feel no emotion

but they still crawl

I still scratch

it still hurts

and no one says a word about it

the pain is unbearable

the sky’s tears shed a drop of relief on my skin

only to feel a sting soon after

the sadness of the sky soaks into my skin

the bugs erupt in madness

how could the sky be so cruel?

a sky once beautiful, now sad

have I disappointed you dear sky?

im sorry my dear sky.

don’t cry..

im sorry.

[shaysawesome]

my day is as dry as the wind

it passes me so fast but I feel every bit

my skin has bugs crawling underneath

they bite and itch me, tempting me to scratch

it hurts so bad but it feels so good

relief to be met with shame soon after

i tell no one of my pain

i hope that they notice but my hurt is silent

my arms hurt, they burn with pain

they are painted with red marks

and despite how much it hurts, I keep going

i keep going in hopes that the bugs will flee

in hopes they will stop tempting me

but I always go back, the bugs itching me

will they ever go away?

maybe if I hurt enough the shame, the itch

maybe it will disappear

how much longer must I try for it to happen

im unsure

the sky peers over me

it keeps my mind at ease, allowing me to forget

but when the night comes and the sky is away

i cannot help but think of the bugs that itch me

they eat at me till I become tired

and I always give into their temptation

will the cycle ever end?

will the night be so kind as to shine the stars

will it be so kind as to bring light upon me

will it help my mind evade the urge

will the night ever change for me

am I the one that must change

i don’t believe I can

maybe if the sky stays just a little while longer

then will I be saved?

maybe then I can be rid of this itch

just maybe

i doubt it

the days will never fail to pass by me

they will never fail to be dry and lonesome

the night will never be put away

it will never be as kind as to do such

the days are a breeze far from foreign to me

so I walk on despite the pain

despite this itch

I walk on silently, in hopes to forget.

[shaysawesome]

I’m so terribly afraid of being alone. I can’t even deal with loneliness. I just go into this panic, spiraling and believing the worst in my mind.

The escape is at my disposal yet my mind refuses to take it. I can’t escape the torture that is loneliness until I no longer feel alone.

Until someone reaches out to me, I will forever be in this state of loneliness.

If I talk to someone and they fail to respond, I will become even more lonely.

That’s why it’s hard to tell when I’m lonely. I try and prevent further hurting by not texting many people.

I text simple things and get simple answers back. Despite yearning for a conversation my mind seeks.

I want so badly to feel the validation of being wanted. For my presence to be nearly to the utmost necessity.

I’m so tired of being alone.

I can’t escape this cycle.

I cannot sleep for that has never been a feasible answer.

I cannot talk to those around in fear I will be of annoyance.

maybe I should become accepting of the fact that I will be alone for a large portion of my life.

I don’t need others.

I lied.

I crave for someone to want me.

please.

[shaysawesome]

I just want someone to like me. I want someone to be impressed by me and how much I would give for them to like me.

I will learn to love your favorite music.

I will learn to love your favorite shows.

I will learn to do your favorite things.

I will learn to do things you admire.

Just look at me please.

Notice how hard i try to make you like me.

It doesn’t even have to be romantic. I just want someone to WANT to be my friend and tell me I’m cool and whatnot.

#crappy post (again)

[shaysawesome]

I’m so hungry but I told myself that one meal a day is okay which ngl altered my brain chemistry cuz tell me why I have been bed rotting sm I won’t even go make myself food anymore unless I feel motivated which is barely any? I think it’s funny lowk anyways I don’t post these to scare y’all or nothing I just lowk need to look back on my thoughts right NYOW

BUT BIG SIGH

I want wings cuz my friends went to one of my other friends houses over the break and made wings together and a girl at my table during lunch made it VERY CLEAR she enjoyed it a bunch like stfu please I enjoyed being on an expensive ahh flight and a rich ahh state more you dumbass bitch (ANYWAYSSSS) I’m craving wingsssss I WNT FRIES TOO MY STOMACH GROWLLLL

nom nom

#shitpostonceagain😔

[shaysawesome]

I’m committing.

These words are jarring, sharp and rigid.

Doesn’t one get tired after a while? Living on this earth?

I suppose we all do.

“I’m committing”

But I never do

I may commit to the act of doing it but it doesn’t turn out as planned.

I will never kill myself. as much as I say I will or that I want to, I never will.

I’m cowardly and afraid of death.

Maybe I’m not afraid of death itself. Maybe it’s the fact that people would forget me. Forget my face and my voice.

I’m scared of being forgotten.

Not being seen.

Maybe I want to kill myself so that people will remember me as the girl who committed.

“I’m committing”

The words seem so empty, so dull. Foreshadowing something that will never happen.

“I’m committing”

Maybe it was fate for my mind to be so horrible. Maybe it was fate that I had to be put in this life.

I feel as though I could be content with my life if I wasn’t the one living it.

Maybe if someone else was living in this vehicle that is my body, just maybe I would be more lovable.

“I’m committing”

Maybe if I was born as someone else I would’ve been happier in my life.

“I’m committing”

Maybe if I change myself enough I can be lovable.

“I’m committing”

Maybe if I become someone else, I can forget who I used to be.

Maybe if I do that, people will remember me.

Maybe people will like me.

Maybe if I became someone else.

“I’m committing”

or maybe I’ll just commit.

lol

#shitpost

[shaysawesome]

I don’t find happiness much now, I feel as though I want to reset my life. I don’t want to eat, and even when I tried to It felt disgusting. I think I have a problem. I have many. but food is one to start with. my stress from school and life in general makes me not want to eat at all. Sometimes I forget to eat. Sometimes i binge eat. And sometimes I don’t eat at all, because I want to worry someone. I want someone to worry about me, as selfish as that is. I feel this need for someone to be fixated on me. On my existence. I just want people to notice me. I’m not quiet all the time. I’m here. im alive.

I dunno #CRAPPYPOST #IHATEEVERYTHINGSHJSSJJSNSNS

[shaysawesome]

I want you to notice me. Notice my little grins. Notice my hands. Notice where my eyes look. Watch the way I breathe and take note of the way I talk. I want you to look at me and long for my grasp and warmth. notice me, I long for you to do so. have the want to hug me, to hold me. to hold my face and watch my eyes. I want you to hold my hands and feel them. I want you to compliment me and tell me all of your love for me.

notice how much I love you.

[shaysawesome]

maybe tomorrow I will sleep, and maybe tomorrow I won’t talk to anyone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be happier or maybe tomorrow I’ll cry more. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day but I doubt that more than anything. Maybe tomorrow I can talk to the people I love. Maybe tomorrow they’ll be busy. And maybe tomorrow I’ll be all alone again.

[shaysawesome]

“it’s okay, I love you”

“no one will know”

“shut up”

“fucking listen”

“stop moving”

[shaysawesome]

touch me, feel me, love me, hurt me.

my trauma will forever live in my memories.

they will never leave my life.

i want to puke at the thought of it.

i want to stab myself between every one of my ribs.

i want to scrape my skin away till i expose my heart.

then i want to take the knife and stab my throat.

do I deserve to even be alive after that?

sometimes I rather die than be alive with the trauma.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it hurts.

and to those who know, im ok. just nauseous from the thought. had to write it down.

[shaysawesome]

DO I LOOK LIKE HER?

TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK IN MY EYES.

TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.

A DUMB FUCKING BITCH?

OR A WANNABE PRETTY?

I THINK BOTH.

[shaysawesome]

Do I look like her? Am I the girl of your dreams? Why won’t you look at me and want ME? What about me is lesser? What makes your eyes burn at the horrid sight of me? I want to be beautiful. Please. I want so badly to be the one someone wants. Please I’ll do anything just please love me. Look at me and fall in love with me. Please. I want to be beautiful. I want someone to look at me and think of how beautiful I am even from a distance. But no one ever will cause I can’t change my looks and if that’s true, then for the entirety of my existence I will forever live as a ugly fucking bitch

[shaysawesome]

to those I know, im too much of a coward to do or say any of that crap dw lol LOL LOSLALALSOSLANSBSJSSJS