sheannshe

[sheannshe]

Friday, Dec. 8, 2023

I'm currently seating in our living area, worried, scared, and still unemployed. I'm thinking of the people busy on their own lives; excited for their 13th month pay, shopping for Christmas gifts, planning for their Christmas celebration, tired but happy and grateful that they have what they need to celebrate a happy Christmas. Here I am, wishing that I'm in that situation as well. But this year is different. I grateful that I got to experience this rest from stress and work. But I think this rest is too much and too long na huhu, also because my savings is not enough anymore to cover for this month's expenses.

Writing this to remind my self that I thinking of the opposite situation if I have a job right now. Might be tired and stressed but at least I have money. Ugh. Don't want to depend the positive side of life on money but that's the truth. So when I get a new job, I'll make sure that I will be grateful. I'll use money as a tool to do the things I wanna do and buy the things I want and need to have. You waited for this new job so be grateful, Sheann.

Uhm. Random thoughts. Magulo. But yeah, I'm trying to release so I'll have a space to breathe. ✨🍃

Keep going, Sheann. 🫶

[sheannshe]

[sheannshe]

Lord, I know your timing is perfect. I know that your plans are better than mine. But I can't help worrying and overthinking. I'm sorry. This phase of my life is eating me alive. I'm scared and worried.

[sheannshe]

It's amazing how someone can bring so much joy and comfort to other people's lives. I hope I can be that someone to other people as well.

[sheannshe]

I don't know myself anymore. I lost myself in the process. I don't want this.

[sheannshe]

Pwede bang mawala na lang bigla? Gusto ko na lang takasan lahat sa sobrang bigat.

[sheannshe]

Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod. Gusto ko na lang matapos nag lahat.

[sheannshe]

I feel invalidated again. It's evident that up until now I cannot express myself very well. I always forgot what words to say. It's still hard for me to put my thoughts into words. I cried. She asked why I'm crying and I said that I'm just tired. She just said that she's more tired. I felt like what I'm feeling is nothing. It seems that I do not have the right to be tired. All the shits that I carried ever since, all the pendings and shortcomings of the former people here, they all piled up. The burden was left to me ever since. And I'm tired carrying them all. Up until the end, I am alone solving and fixing all the mess that I did not even started. She compared me to Seaoil people. I felt small. I felt rejected, unheard, invalidated. What do I expect from her, right? She did not change at all. Not a bit. She's really a selfish person.

[sheannshe]

I want to change things and improve them so bad. And it hurts that I wasn't able to do it. I still can't do it despite staying here for 4 years. And it hurts so bad.

[sheannshe]

I badly want to buy a camera na huhu.

Jan. 14, 2023 - Ortigas Center

[sheannshe]

This. I often ask this question to myself. I'm worried if I'm doing it right or if my decisions in life are right. I'm worried if my choices are what God really want me to do. But sometimes, I feel the need to go with the flow. To just enjoy and decide and do not worry about making mistakes or wrong choices.

[sheannshe]

I have submitted my resignation letter and it was accepted last Jan. 3. I'll be staying until Feb. 28, 2023 only. I am currently in a mixed emotions phase of my life. I'm scared and worried. I'm hopeful and excited.

[sheannshe]

the greatest and probably the most painful punishment one could ever receive is guilt. physically free but emotionally imprisoned.

[sheannshe]

Hi. How are you?

[sheannshe]

“How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay.”

— Khalil Gibran (via bnmxfld)

[sheannshe]

Overthinking at its finest. I want to be free but I have a lot of things to consider. I don't know what to do.

[sheannshe]

Breaking down while nasa work 🥲