shityexgf

[shityexgf]

“I am not going to rob you of your perfect future, and I’m not letting you do the same to me” a mantra I have to say to myself every time I think “I love you”. Sometimes love isn’t enough. I know that now. I understand that now. I’m mature enough to accept that now.

[shityexgf]

I’ll be honest seeing it at first was a lot. I spoon fed myself your trauma for days because I felt so guilty. Its been almost a month since my last log in. It might be even longer the next time, truth of the matter is, I shouldnt Feel guilty for picking myself. You couldn’t take a year of the total heartache of being in love with someone who didn’t love you the same...meanwhile I took more then a couple years of it. That’s not your problem tho, I shouldve Loved myself more then I tried To love you. Should’ve fixed myself instead of trying to fix you. I hope you aren’t hurting anymore, i never meant to hurt you. are you happier without me? Probably lol but that’s ok, I’m happy too. not happy to be without you necessarily, but without all the extra drama that we often brought one another. It’s funny, in 5 years you only spent 1 of them intentionally dating me, only 1 were you woke up and thought about how to make me smile, and not about your games or other shit that should’ve been second to me. I’m not angry but I will no longer not view our relationship as a whole, I sacrificed so much, we both did and I wont Ignore it just because I forgave you. We need the whole picture to understand why we are here. We are aren’t together. It wasn’t one isolated incident and it’s been made clear from this page that you didn’t believe in us from the beginning, I feel less blame because of that but it makes me angry Too lol like how DARE you ever look at me and question how I felt as I cried to you? beggggggged you to love me because I would crumble without you... and there you were lol thinking it would be nothing if we didn’t end up together. That you’d be ok without me (which is fine now that I think About it logically but love isn’t logical and you suck for that) I text Your phone lmao stupid right? knowing they never go through but I still do it. I do miss you, often so that’s why. K and I are still dating. he makes me happy, ik you might not care but I figured I’d tell you. Things are moving very slow, I talk to him about you, I’m still too mentally drained to be a gf and lucky enough he has no interest in a relationship rn. But it’s nice to have a man see and love me off bat. I wont Deny theres possibilities for him and I, hes Willing to work with me through both our traumas and I enjoy being taken care of. I wish You could’ve done that... cared for me and see my love and allow it to carry us even if we were hurting from our past. I Would’ve carried us until you could meet me there. I meant it when I said I’d do it all over if it meant loving you forever. but it wasn’t forever baby, All you had to do was be gentle with me, honest With me. Instead you broke me, again and again. And then I turned and broke you. We never had honesty, from the moment you lied about C we were doomed lol then Kiwi came and I lied and it only fed the cycle farther. I’m sorry if you felt that you were replaced. That wasn’t the case at all, he came in the same way you did lol unexpectedly. it wasnt intentional and yet here we are, only difference is the honesty. I’m able to be completely honest because I’ve never felt lied to, I’m able to be vulnerable without worrying I’ll look stupid. I feel powerful because of you. I didnt know who I was with you. I wanted to be any and everything for you that I simply had no clue as to what I wanted or who I waa. I have such clarity now. I demand so much more from the people who want to love me, top demand is “you will not have the opportunity to hurt me before you can be ok loving me” I will Leave anyone who doesn’t see my worth, anyone who makes me feel like I’m competing, anyone who fucking humiliates me (lol especially publicly that post is the most mortifying experience of my life to this day lmaoooo and I STAYED!!!) I never wanna be who I use to be back then. And I KNOW the same is true for you, your growth has been amazing, I’m soooo proud of you for putting your foot down with a few shit friends (imo) I may Not be able to see the man you grow to be but ik our relationship has contributed to such major

growth in both of us that I’m not worried. you will be happy, you’ll make it your priority to do so and I

love That for you. I love you. Idc if you believe it fully but I do. I want you to be happy so damn bad that I wanna cry sometimes but ik you will be ok so I dont Need to worry. Idk when or if I’ll be back here, I’ve been ok and I dont Wanna feel guilty again for choosing myself. I thought about changing the PW with my eyes close or having someone else do it but I won’t.. in case I ever Need to come back here.. in case you ever need to come back here.

i love you

[shityexgf]

I hate you sometimes. How dare you ever question my love after what we been through? and you called me a quitter lmao crazy how i stood by while you whined, cried and complied. You were so selfish in your lows and didnt know it. how much time, love attention and assurance you needed i did what i could and it wasnt enough to keep us both afloat so i drowned saving you. and now that i’ve come up from air you're angry......

Dear future wife,

I’m feeling ok. The regularity that I’m giving my day is really helping me out. I’m not as anxious. I don’t really sleep well but everything else is going well. I had breakfast. I start my days and end them with prayer. The book I’m reading is helping me focus. And I’m getting through my work and everything. I hope your day is going well. I’ve been reading the Valentine’s Day card you wrote me. The one line that sticks out to me is:

“I’d do it again if it meant I’d be with you forever(crazy right).

I’ve doubted you a lot my love. I’ve doubted your love for me. I’ve doubted your willingness to fight for me. I’ve always thought you had options and that you would one day not want to be with me. Which made me afraid to love you with all of my heart.

But I believe these words. I believe you want to be with me forever. I believe you are still in love with me. I would also do it all over again if it meant I could be with you for the rest of my life (crazy right). This is why I can’t give up. This is why I refuse to have anyone else in my life. Because you want to be with me forever, and I want to be with you forever. So I will prove it to not only you but myself. My resolve is strong. I am strong. You wouldn’t have written these words if you didn’t mean them. Somewhere in there you are still in love with me but you’re afraid. I understand. I’ll wait for you to remember. As long as it takes. I refuse to let you be a regret. A “what if” you are my wife and these letters are for you.

27 days

[shityexgf]

It’s funny, I didnt have as much sex as i thought i was going to. I thought i wanted sex but it wasnt that. Im not built to fuck casually. at all. im too soft, i crave intimacy and i love you’s. i cant be used and thats what casual sex feels like. using people. from december 2019 to feb 2021 i’ve had sex with 3 people........ i dated and still couldnt make up my mind. i shouldve let him go before we go here.... but i’d miss him..... and now i’ve let him go and i miss him. just his presence, what he wants i cant give.... or i should say i didnt want to give. i need to not lie. this is a space where i will  not lie.... i didnt want to give it to him because i didnt trust it, us, him, .... or my damn self 

This was us bro smh. It’s a damn shame that we were trying to get back to being a relationship doing this! I wish I could send you this image but I already blocked you on everything lol. Plus there’s no point because the relationship ship has set sail

How could we have found that spark doing this!?

How could you have really given me your time and really put in effort into us doing this

More importantly how could you even want me doing this? Or anyone?

It’s so heart breaking because this is honestly what I was trying to explain to you in so many words but you didn’t want to listen. I wanted to be exclusive but you said no

Again I’m not mad. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just crazy how we were really in a space of “trying to see if we can make a relationship work again” doing this dumb shit in the image above

And I was stupid enough to try

And I tried MY ASS OFF!

Which is why I’m soooo fucking exhausted from relationships now. My wife can smack me right in the face and I wouldn’t even know

But it’s okay. I just wanted to vent about this image with someone and since there’s no point in sending it to you I figured I’d post it here

I hope you’re doing well and that you’re not missing me too much

[shityexgf]

This makes me angry. This is why were doomed, while you were thinking yea i wanna be with you and have a family but you’d be ok if it didnt work i was FULLY committed to us. I didnt even think about “if we didnt” and now im selfish... im this piece of shit 

Dear future wife,

OMGGGGGGG WTFFFFFF!!! I love you so much like sosososososososoo much!! When did I love you this much!?!? When did I not imagine my life without you!?!?! WHENNNN!!! I knew I always wanted to be with you and have a family with you but I always thought if it didn’t work out that I would be ok. Yes, I’d be hurt but I didn’t think it would be this bad. This is bad. Like so bad. I really don’t want anyone else but you. The thought of having sex with anyone else makes my stomach hurt. The thought of having sex period makes my stomach hurt. Wtf man

30 days

[shityexgf]

you’ll never see these. im so fucking sorry 

[shityexgf]

im literally crying, like boohoo crying at work rn, at the front fucking desk, in front of everyone, i should've waited to read some of this. now i have a gimps at all your pain, happy and anger from these past few months and i regret ever doing this to you.  

[shityexgf]

I had to change everything about this page in order to be ok. I hate myself for hurting you, i wanna scream. I may have made the worst mistake of my life, but i wasnt good for you. I hope you hate me 

[shityexgf]

Check in time!

For whoever wants to follow, idk lol, or maybe just for myself. Just do math from the first day to now. I don’t remember nor am I interested in counting

You still come to my mind and I have a couple more days to complain and vent about you. Wow two weeks came fast

I really want to get into grad school to get my mind off of you and have something to 100% devote my focus to.

That’s really my goal

And getting my credit card down

I think I’m going to spend one of these days putting out my most unadulterated thoughts on here about this whole dating you experience either tomorrow or Sunday

I don’t think I would be doing myself justice if I just allowed Sunday to come and go and I can’t bring this up anymore and I didn’t say how I truly felt about you out loud

Then after that I refuse to bring you up on anything anymore

Not snapchat

Not Facebook

Not tik tok

Or this app here

Or with friends/family

Or with you

It’s time for rational (insert real name) to take over. Irrational (insert real name) had all 2020 to figure out how to get you back. Now it’s time to use that same energy and totally erase everything from my mind.

[shityexgf]

Just checking in

I’m ok and there’s temptation to call and message but I’m not going to lol. Pride won’t let me. I’m not begging for anyone

[shityexgf]

This was us bro smh. It’s a damn shame that we were trying to get back to being a relationship doing this! I wish I could send you this image but I already blocked you on everything lol. Plus there’s no point because the relationship ship has set sail

How could we have found that spark doing this!?

How could you have really given me your time and really put in effort into us doing this

More importantly how could you even want me doing this? Or anyone?

It’s so heart breaking because this is honestly what I was trying to explain to you in so many words but you didn’t want to listen. I wanted to be exclusive but you said no

Again I’m not mad. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just crazy how we were really in a space of “trying to see if we can make a relationship work again” doing this dumb shit in the image above

And I was stupid enough to try

And I tried MY ASS OFF!

Which is why I’m soooo fucking exhausted from relationships now. My wife can smack me right in the face and I wouldn’t even know

But it’s okay. I just wanted to vent about this image with someone and since there’s no point in sending it to you I figured I’d post it here

I hope you’re doing well and that you’re not missing me too much

[shityexgf]

I forget what day it is lol

Update: I’ve simplified why I’m still thinking about you and why I still get upset.

Because I miss you I’m my life

I’m over the relationship aspect of it because I was never fully attached. I couldn’t be or I wouldn’t have lasted in this space. So that fact that it’s officially over isn’t hitting as hard

It sucks that another person is being removed from my life

I will be okay though, and so will you. It’s not like we talked like that anyways

I’m happy that this is my decision. This choice was mine

You won’t miss me as much as you think you will. You’ll be okay. You have homeboy to fuck your throat and shit 😂

I got an email about grad school! There’s still hope for me to start this fall!

[shityexgf]

Day 6 since breakup

Processed more with friend. I no longer wanna talk about you with anyone new. I’ve given myself two weeks to get over this.

As stated above I’m on day 6 so 8 more days to complain and vent and dwell on regret.

I have plans today and plans this weekend

Once again I’m dropping off the rest of your belongings tomorrow and then I’ll have absolutely no reason to think about you or converse with you in any way, shape, or form.

I really want to focus on grad school.

If you think you can come back in my life in 5 years or so!🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

BITCHHHHHHH!!!😂😂😂😂👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[shityexgf]

Day 5 since breakup

I showered this morning and processed about you. I am going to allow myself some time every day to update myself on how I feel. One day in the future I won’t need to buy until then I Roy’s want to give myself time to vent. That’s healthy to me. Allowing myself to totally take the restraints off and let the words flow

I think I need to honestly be alone. Not even sex buddies. Just alone. Still trying to figure that out

I need to bring my debt down

I need to get into grad school

I have a lot of focus on and I don’t need women to distract me

I will be okay 💪🏾

[shityexgf]

Day 4 since breakup!

I’m feeling ok. Still sad but this is gonna happen. I find comfort in knowing this is the last time I have to go through the emotions of getting over you

I am actually going through the process of going for my graduate degree. One baby step at a time.

I WILL NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND DURING THIS PERIOD. I WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE IN ALLOWING A GIRL TO GET INNTHE WAY OF MY EDUCATION!

I have plans for Saturday with a couple females. Nothing sexual. Just brunch with one then bowling with another. It will be a fun time.

Gonna have to go to the gym early Friday.

You come up on my mind often. Just the usual; wondering what I did wrong, wanting to fix things, and being upset that someone else is satisfying your sexual needs. But it will go away eventually. I’d rather worry about this than why you’re not talking to me today😂

Still going to your house Saturday. Gotta figure how that’s gonna work

I masturbated today. It’s been a while. I just haven’t been in the mood. Felt good😂

I will be okay💪🏾😂

[shityexgf]

Day 3 since breakup

Cried a little this morning. Actually lemme back up. Woke up this morning thinking about you. More specifically Valentine’s weekend and where I went wrong. And the memories. Thinking about love makes me wanna punch myself I the face

Had a conversation with girl 1 because I see myself in her in the sense that she’s looking for reassurance I can’t give her. Had a honest convo with her. Cried. Then told her what it was. She was understanding and still wants to be here. Idk

Girl two was also understanding. Is gonna take a step back

Girl 3 made it about herself lol. I let her. I didn’t care. I don’t really wanna do something I don’t wanna do so whatever

Yeah I was talking to a lot of girls so what.

Well I’m not saying anyone anymore for lord knows how long. I’m just gonna focus on myself and seek pleasure when I feel like it. I’m enjoying the gym and getting big. I have my degree and now I have no one to spend money on.

Fingers crossed tomorrow I think about you a little less

Also spoke to your mom today. Told her I plan for Saturday

And I deleted everything that reminds me of you out my fucking phone😘

Pictures. Gone

Videos. Gone

Notes. Gone

Everything gone

[shityexgf]

Day 2 since breakup

Can I even call it a breakup because we weren’t together? Ehh, whatever this is my somtory so I’ll call it what I want.

Cried a little this morning then cleaned up. Cleaning makes me feel better and listening to Orchestra for whatever reason lol. Homegirl wants to go out for lunch. Not really I’m the mood but I guess it will be good for me to get out the house. Or maybe I’ll embarass myself and cry 😂 I have a couple hours to decide.

Other homegirl wants me to call her later. I said I would. I need to break things off with her because I don’t want to waste her time like mine was wasted

Wife could have just told me she was talking to someone else. Whatever

I don’t know what I have planned for today but I am gonna go to the gym. I don’t wanna fall off like last time. And I’m gonna cook myself something. Idk what yet though.

12 days before “get over it” deadline 

I got this💪🏾

I also don’t think I need to see my therapist. I don’t wanna pay for it, I don’t have privacy to talk. And I don’t think I need it. I’m not as bad as I was last may. I’m good enough where I can deal on my own