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I have to say, I'm lucky

#metoo all these posts are everywhere. One girl shared her story, and this man was the reason she dropped out of college. It's the opposite of my story... The man in my life, the friend who betrayed me in the worst way, he's the reason I started going to college. I needed to keep my mind occupied, and now I will have a degree next spring.

I feel lucky because when bad things happen to me I use it as a power to push me forward in life, rather than drag myself down.

So if you believe you're an unlucky person, try this: when something bad happens, learn and build. Believe me, bad things happen to every one and there's no rhyme or reason to it. But you can do something productive to get over it, because you have to do something but you get to choose what.

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With an allergic reaction across half my face I should look a lot worse. But to be grateful in vanity seems wrong, so I say this: be grateful for what you know, what you will someday learn, and for the things you will never understand. You are just a small part of this world, but you make a bigger impact than one proportional your size.

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Sometimes you find things where you least expect them, with the one you love the most, after brushing off some grievances, not knowing there are more obstacles coming soon, but knowing you can get through them together. You feel wonder in the moment, and that's all that matters.

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You can't blame a dreamer for wanting to believe.

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On your journey to discover who you are, you won't be yourself all the time.

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Loud fart

Right now I am quite happily single. Sure I sometimes miss having someone to hold and have around, but I've got friends for half of that. But as I lay here in my king size bed alone, I wonder. If I was sharing this bed with a special someone, I would not want to disturb them, or gross them out. But sometimes it's good to loud fart before bed. Would I wait for them to fall asleep? Risk waking them up to something less than pleasant. Surely I wouldn't write a long Tumblr post for no one to read, the light would get in their eyes. What an inconvenience it would be to have someone around all the time to love and impress. Is that what true love is? The ability to loud fart in bed without shame? I think true love can only be found within oneself.

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Being a good man doesn't make him a good man for you.

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Hands

My hands are not the kind of hands to do beautiful things... They are the hands that make beautiful things. And by that logic I'm convinced I will make the most beautiful children.

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I wanted to post some pictures that showed my happiness. I realized that in most of those pictures I'm with my closest friends. Even the picture that's only me, I was camping with my dad, my horse, and the dog. All of whom are very dear friends to me, and forever close to my heart. The same goes to my bff missa I met when I was 5, and now at age 22 after all the life we went through apart, we are back to being best friends again. And kaly, I met in girl scouts when I was 14... Who knew we would become best friends and stay so close this long. And Hugh, my twin who I have known the shortest amount of time but we are in every essence twins. And he will forever be more brother. I have other friends who make me very happy, and the truth is I make me happy too. I am happy alone, with friends, with family, with strangers... But these ones are something special to me, and they have earned a forever place in my heart.

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What a lovely day for a swim....

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Dirty mirrors

I have this dusty/dirty full size mirror in my room. I've thought about cleaning, but it makes me look like Jennifer Lawrence. So, it may never be cleaned.

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Just because they leave, doesn't mean they're gone

When I write 'good night' the next word my phone suggests is his name. I still tell stories about him like we're together and everything is good. I still hear his voice talking in my head, and it feels good until I remember he left. Any man of interest will be compared to him, and so far he's winning. But he's not even in the race anymore. To be real, I was in his race and now I'm disqualified. Nobody has won, but I lost. I didn't even want to race but my heart needed to. My brain told it to, and my heart listened. Now I need my brain to tell my heart to stop, and my heart needs to listen. I feel fine, but the little things make me remember I'm not quite okay. A song hitting me the right way can make me want to cry. But it passes quickly, and I'll work to build my life into something different.

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Let them go

When someone you miss is distant, the first assumption is that you did something wrong. Maybe you're annoying them. They need some space? For how long, maybe forever? You don't know, because they didn't tell you. The secret's out, 'you' is actually me. I was frustrated, I went from being mad at him to just wishing he would say some sweet nothing like he occasionally does. I asked him what was wrong, and he played a perfect game of everything is fine, I wasn't ignoring you I just forgot. Turn the tables onto me, I said I was fine, apologized for some absurd reason, no I'm no fine. Here's everything that's wrong minus the part where your actions have upset me... I don't want to start a fight right now--ever. Now I realize he's ghost. Not just from me, he's not responding to his friends on Facebook either, which isn't like him. He's usually quick to join or start a fight. At least stand up for himself, I would think. But he's gone. Not completely gone, but purposefully gone. I decided to give him space, try to make him miss me. But traffic was really bad... Better give him a heads up, he's the only one I know who might take this route. Stupid, why do I care so much. Why did he have to be the only other person I know who drives that road. Why no response? So this time, I'm going to let him come to me. I need to. I will find peace with myself, my closest girl friend and my family. Steal the attention of a man I don't really care about. What else can I do? If he wants to be ghost, let him ghost.

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So it's my birthday, my long awaited 22nd. On Saturday I let go of the bad in hopes of welcoming in the new. Avinaya came home to live with my sister, my brother is still depressed, although he did just get back from a fabulous vacation, and I have been fighting suicidal thoughts all day. The passive aggressive kind, where there is no way I'll do it, but the fact that the thoughts form causes an internal civil war between me and the other me. I prefer when other me is funny, no need to carry a knife, no need to claim we're worthless or unhappy. I know I am happy and love my life.

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Triggered

An allergic reaction to some stickers my sister put on my chest. A completely unnecessary train of thoughts. Suddenly, I'm 17 going on 18 and angry, scared, insulted, and defensive. Truth be told, I never really told anyone. I tried to, and people laughed. So, I never told anyone else. And oh, how it bothered my loved ones. It got to a point where it seemed worse than it actually was, so I really couldn't​ let it out. Going to the hotel, 17, I'm about to join the army. I'm not really sure why? I don't know why my parents let me. Why my mom encouraged it. The army is no place for a scared little girl trying to act tough. A thorough medical exam is required to join the military. That day, I felt so numb. A defense mechanism, I guess, just going through the motions don't think don't feel. If anyone really knows me... The numb feeling is the worst thing. That's the biggest reason I ever cut myself, I just needed to feel something. And I wish I could regret the bad habit, but it helped so much. What happened. I was in the exam room, butt ass naked with some thin paper sheet bull shit. An old man doctor, and a big oblivious woman to witness. Numb. He slid a finger down my back and I flinched when he passed my back and touched my butt with his finger. He laughed and thought it would be funny to do it again, to tickle a naked and vulnerable 17 year old girl. Numb and uncomfortable, looking back all I feel is a boiling rage. She was innocent, how dare you. The girl I used to be. After that, is a breast examination. I honestly don't know why it's necessary. Checking for breast cancer? Really? The woman observing, too uncomfortable to look. Go fuck yourself. I understand the breast examination was a requirement, but when a man with evil in his eyes has a job like that. No. Not for me. I am not okay with anyone touching me there unless I trust them with my intimacy. Very few people fit in that group, and most lose that trust eventually. So I was triggered, because my sister put stickers on my chest and she didn't put them low enough to bother me, but if she had.... And then I was gone. I hope someday to be over these things, they only make me feel weak because they are so insignificant. Compared to the horrific things that could have happened, and have happened, to other women... I got off lucky, hardly even a scratch. But I let it get infected...

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And oh! The adventures we shared. At this point in my life, these three people are my best friends. I love them dearly in a special kind of way. The thing I chase in life is beauty, the kind that can't be faked, that is beautiful because it's genuine. I must never forget these wonderful days, and never lose the chase.

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And oh! The adventures we shared. At this point in my life, these three people are my best friends. I love them dearly in a special kind of way. The thing I chase in life is beauty, the kind that can't be faked, that is beautiful because it's genuine. I must never forget these wonderful days, and never lose the chase.