sicksicksicknotenough

[sicksicksicknotenough]

"We need to take care of her first and then we can get her settled, just let us get her life going" ITS BEEN 6 FUCKING YEARS. HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO WAIT. HOW MUCH LONGER. WHY. WHY DOES THE PROBLEM CHILD GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO HER AND RESOURCES WASTED ON HER WHEN SHES GOING TO THROW IT ALL AWAY AGAIN WHILE I SIT HERE WAITING FOR MY TURN. WHY DO I HAVE TO ALWAYS PUT MY LIFE ON PAUSE BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID FUCKING BITCH. BECAUSE SHE COULDNT KEEP HER LEGS CLOSED AND POPPED OUT KIDS??? THATS NOT MY FAULT. WHY AM I RAISING THEM. WHY AM I PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD. IM ABOUT TO BE 22 AND NO DEGREE. NO JOB. NOTHING. BECAUSE "We used that money on her to help her" WHY. WHY CANT YOU HELP ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS HER. I WOULD DO SO MUCH MORE WITH YOUR SUPPORT. I WOULD GO TO SCHOOL AND GET THE BEST GRADES AND GET AN INTERNSHIP AND THEN A JOB. WHY CANT YOU BELIEVE IN ME. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE KEPT IN THIS CAMPER RAISING KIDS THAT ARENT MINE. THIS ISNT THE LIFE I CHOSE. THIS ISNT WHAT I WANT.

[sicksicksicknotenough]

I don't know why I'm like this. I crave it. I crave it so much. But I would never allow it. I would never allow myself to be held and truly comforted. Not even in bed will I let my guard down. Whats wrong with me? I always thought my walls were down yet this is something I cannot do on my own. I can't allow myself to be comforted. I can't allow myself to be taken care of. No matter how badly I want it. I fantasize about being held and spoiled but when it actually happens...I feel so selfish and like I'm making things weird. I hate asking for stuff so I'll never allow myself to ask. I wish I could be comfortable. Fully. But I think I'll just always have this wall up that won't let me let anything in. This isnt even about sex. Its a much bigger problem than that. But at this point, its too much to deal with. So I just am gonna act like it doesn't exist. I'm satisfied with that

[sicksicksicknotenough]

I wanna burn my skin off and melt my fucking brain.

[sicksicksicknotenough]

I want to be adored in every way. Even in the dark of a room. I want to feel like I'm attractive. Like you find me irresistible. I want you to tell me how hot I make you, how sexy I am, tell me how I make you want to sin so much that the devil would blush upon hearing your thoughts. I want to feel like you want me. Every inch of me. I want to be loved, but I also want to be wanted. Needed. I love adoring her...but sometimes I wish just once every blue moon....she'd do it back...and want me. I feel like I'm disgusting down there. Like she would never want it. I wish one day she'd kiss me slowly all over and tell me she loves every inch. Even the part I hate the most. I wish she would tell me she's attracted to it. How badly she wants it. I feel awful because this feels so selfish. I never want to force her to do anything. Never. I don't want her to just lie to appease me....I want her to mean it....I want her to want me.....

[sicksicksicknotenough]

I wanna be adored. I want you to want me. I want you to tell me how attracted you are to me. How beautiful I am. Tell me every little detail you love about me. Tell me my eyes make your heart sing. Tell me you think about me all the time. Tell me I'm all you've ever wanted. Please love me. Please. Please praise me and adore me. I want you to hold me close and kiss all over my face and tell me how handsome I am and how I make your world shine. I want you to spoil me and make slow passionate love to me all while telling me how you love every inch of me. I want to be your prized possession. I want you to be proud to own me. I want you to look at me like I made the stars. I know its selfish. I know its conceited. But I can't help it. I want to be spoiled...not all the time...just once in a while...thats all I ask. Just every now and then...tell me I'm your pretty boy and how I make your heart race.

[sicksicksicknotenough]

Why am I not enough...? What do they have that I don't...?