sifinspace

[sifinspace]

‘I am the biggest asshole.’ Joker screamed in his mind. ‘I can’t do anything right. Fuck!’

He sat in his seat, frustrated by his anger toward Sif, and his reaction. He didn’t have to do that. He scared her - he actually scared her. He knew what that did to her, the memories it brought up.

‘I lost my cool. Shepard walked in, I - I can’t believe I embarrassed her like that.’ He slammed his fist into the arm of his chair.

‘Then Kaiden goes and dies all in the same breath. And I become the real ass.’ He leaned his head back. ‘This is all a bad dream. Kaiden died, but I never yelled at the one woman…. No I wouldn’t do that…. Shit. I did.’

The realization that he blew up made the sting even greater.

The worse part was realizing Kaiden gave his life willingly. Almost as if he knew he had no future.

“Shit.”

——-

“Go see her.” Shepard ordered Joker.

“After what I did?”

“Especially after what you did.” He said squarely.

Joker got up and ambled to his cabin. They had recently docked at the Citadel and this was his chance to make things right.

The door opened and Sif was sitting on her side facing the bathroom with her head down.

He didn’t know how to being, so he went over and sat next to her. He noticed she was holding something. A bottle of whiskey.

“Hey…” he said quietly.

She still didn’t respond. She handed him the note that was in her other hand.

Joker took it and read it silently.

‘Sif, if I don’t make it back, this is for you. I was saving it for something special. Thanks for everything you’ve given me, especially hope. I know things probably wouldn’t have worked out how we’d planned, but to pretend for a bit was fun.

Don’t miss me too much when I’m gone. Just once in a while, imagine what it would have been like to live in the mountains with me, and how we’d have had the cutest kids. You would have made an amazing wife.

Make sure Joker treats you well, and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth it, cause you are.

Forget me not,

Love

Kaiden’

“He knew he wasn’t coming back?” Joker asked.

“He had a feeling.” She said.

“So you…”

“I agreed to go back to earth with him, to help motivate him to live. I agreed to go, because for a minute, I felt like it was a good idea. Because I wanted to be wanted. I wish you’d have let me explain.” She quietly whispered.

Joker felt like he had been gut punched. He really was an asshole. “You’re right. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“I’ve never been scared of you. Ever. Till today.”

“I know, that I’m most sorry for.” He put his arm around her shoulder.

She flinched.

“I didn’t realize you’d get so upset with me about something like this.” She muttered.

“I don’t know what happened. I guess it was shocking and I lost it. It was stupid. I yelled at you. I felt like an idiot afterwards.”

“I sure hope so.”

“I will never do that to you again. I made a promise to never do that and I broke it. I’m no better than…” his voice trailed off.

“You are. You just, had a moment.” She said fiddling with the label on the bottle.

“Fucking Sif. Why are you always so nice to me? Why?”

“Because I love you Jeff, you know that. You don’t hold shit against someone when you love them.”

This made him feel even worse.

“I’m so sorry. Then I opened my big mouth to Shepard. Seriously you shouldn’t be my friend.”

The pair sat there in silence for a while. Sif put her head on Jokers shoulder and he held her tight to him.

“I am relieved you know. I didn’t really want to leave Shepard, or you. Does that make me terrible?”

“Nah, Kaiden was the best of them. I should have been happy you found someone to make your dreams come true.”

“But it felt wrong. Not the entire time, but agreeing to leave. It didn’t sit right.”

“I’m glad. I ……” he trailed off.

“Glad?”

“I didn’t want you to want to leave. It would have made my life boring. I don’t have time to find another co-pilot I actually like.”

“True, you’re not easy to get along with.”

“Yea you’re not wrong.”

They continued to sit in the dim light of space, Jeff rested his head on Sif’s.

“Don’t think I’m not devastated.” She said.

“I know.”

“He was my friend. When you said you’d come spend time with me, and never did, Kaiden was always there.”

Joker knew she was right, he never prioritized her.

“How long had you two been spending time together before he made his first move?” He asked.

“Since the day he was assigned to the Normandy. I’d spend time down in the mess with him, or in the cargo bay. Watching the stars, drinking, playing cards or something. He always was company. When Liara and Garrus joined up, they joined in the games too. They felt bad you never ended up spending time with me like you’d always promise you would.”

“I didn’t realize people noticed.” He said slightly embarrassed.

“Yea. Kaiden wasn’t just a guy who I hung out with once, we spent nearly every evening together.”

“I’m….I’m so sorry. You two were really close.”

“Yea, and just like that, he’s gone. I’ll be okay, I’ll call his mom and send his belongings home.”

“Here.” He handed her an ear bud. “Put this in for a sec and give me your Omni tool.”

Joker punched a few buttons on her wrist and static shot through her brain.

‘Sif, … Sif, tell her, I love her.’ Kaidens shallow voice bled out.

She gasped.

He hit save.

Then she started to cry.

He held her closer to him as time ticked away. It always seemed like it did when they had to be somewhere else. As if they never got enough time to be together to just enjoy being beside one another.

“Joker, time to go.” Shepards voice came in over the coms.

“Right, we’ll be there in a second. You gonna be okay?”

“Yea let’s get this over with.”

——-

Fancy footwork and maneuvering for the Normandy through the Mass relay brought the crew closer to their end game. Shepard stood behind his pilots as they continued to doge Geth ships to make it back to the Citadel.

Shepards grasp on the back of their seats was enough to keep one he was ready. Joker hovered above the landing zone while Sif manually aimed the cannons at oncoming hostiles.

Her aim was superb and her hits were never even close to a miss.

“Great aim Sif.” Shepard said as he put his helmet on.

His N7 suit glimmering in the dim light, and the marks of battle still visible.

“How are we going to get down there? There’s no room for a landing!” Ashely shouted.

“I can make it!” Joker yelled.

“Are you kidding, there’s no way in hell you’re going to actually land this thing.” Shepard retorted.

“I’ll launch you in the Mako. Trust me, I’ve got this.” Joker sat up and readjusted himself. “Go!”

“Are you kidding, you want us to trust…” Ashley scoffed.

“Go.” Sif said sternly.

“He’s right, they can do this, I’ve seen Joker do crazier.” Sheppard said.

“Thanks Commander.” Joker grinned.

“Get as far as you can without loosing coms. Let the ship look desolate, and protect yourselves. I’m taking Liara and Ash.” He started to walk away.

“Hey Shep!” Sif shouted, “Give em hell.”

Shepard nodded his head and saluted Sif. She turned back to her station.

————-

“This is painful. It keeps, going on and on.” Sif lamented.

“It’ll be okay. They are all trained, we will have our friends back in no time.” Tali’s voice chimed over Sif’s head set.

“Yea, with the calibrations I put into those guns, and the ones they took, it’s going to be an easy fight.” Garrus added confidently.

“If you ever, need to calibrate something not man made, I have a few items I could use help with.” Tali said.

“Sounds good. Once this is done.” Garrus replied.

Sif raised a corner of her mouth. Quarian flirtation was beautiful.

——

What seemed like hours flew by. Ilos was colorful from the helm. It looked like someone poured paint all over their screens. Reds, oranges, greens. Nothing could settle a heart like a beautiful sunset, even this one.

They kept waiting.

And waiting.

“We have made it to the archives. Ill send you the file.” Shepard buzzed through the coms. “We are going to follow Saren through the portal - meet us back at the Citadel!”

Joker and Sif exchanged looks. “Go time.” He said.

They locked the Normandy onto the nearest Mass Effect and swung the entire ship through it, being shot out in the Sol System near the Citadel.

As they approached they would see Sovereign and the ships attacking.

They had replayed the file that Shepard sent them, Vigil told them all they needed to know about what was going on. This was what everyone had feared. The Reapers, the end of humanity.

Sif shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She swore there were already fingernail imprints on the arm rests. Grasping them was her anxious outlet when on missions, and she had a death hold on them like never before.

“Look at that, it’s going to consume everything in the Citadel…” Sif quietly said when she saw the massive alien ship engulfing the Citadel.

“Not everything, come on, you know better.” Joker said to lighten the mood.

“Do you ever, EVER worry?” She asked.

“Nah, you know that. Shep’s got it in the bag.” He said flying closer to the Citadel and the approaching alien ships.

He was afraid, his glibness didn’t mean he didn’t worry. He worried a lot. More so in recent months than he ever had.

“You’re always right….what will you do one day when I’m actually right?” She asked him.

“That’s the day Ill admit you’re a better pilot than me.”

“I never said I was a better pilot, ever.”

“I know, but thats what I mean, I’d admit that!”.

“Ill take it I guess.”

Finally there was movement down below. Sovereign was detaching from the citadels communication hub, and the Alliance fleet was closing in.

“Joker, Sif, the Alliance fleet is going to head to the Destiny Ascension to save the Counsel. Joker, prepare to extract us.” Shepard’s com buzzed.

“Locations are locked.” Sif confirmed.

“Let’s get them.” Joker said.

———————-

The Counsel was saved. Shepard had just left to meet with them in person.

Shepard took his whole missions team with him.

Sif and joker stayed back, they liked to stay out of the eye of Politicians at any cost, even if they weren’t in hot water. It gave them some time to breathe, and collect themselves after the finality of the last mission.

“So Sovereign is a Reaper ship? That’s being piloted by the Geth and Krogan?” Joker asked.

“Yea., and apparently it was the flag ship for Saren, but you know what happens, where one is, more are to follow, especially if that involves Geth.” Sif sighed.

“That’s wild. I wonder what it looked like on board.”

“I do not want to find out. Ever.” Sif shook her head. “But we are done with that, whatever mission they send us on next is probably going to be equally exciting, don’t worry, you’re going to be the pilot that saves the day, as always. That Mako drop was amazing.” Sif smiled.

“I impressed myself too. I mean, I knew I could do it, but with eyes actually watching, that stress is real.”

Joker pushed some buttons on his console and the engine of the Normandy started to hum slower. “May as well put her to sleep for a bit, we might actually get some shore leave after this.”

“That would be fantastic.” Sif smiled.

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

“Oh the usual, have a drink or two, get some sleep, wander the Citadel and try to convince you to fall in love with me.” She Replied.

Joker smirked, then realized he was smiling. He wiped it from his face. “We can get drinks, want to go back to earth for a few days?”

“I always do - it’s winter still there, aren’t you worried about breaking a leg?”

“Nah, for you I’ll go.”

—————-

Shepard had been decorated as a Specter and a paragon on the Citadel while he was meeting with the counsel, there wasn’t a parade, or a huge show of it, but the whole crew knew, and were proud of him. The first human specter, really was a big deal.

Humanity finally found its place in the universe and even had Udina put on the Counsel. Sif wasn’t his biggest fan, but she’s prefer him to most people in that position of power. Something about him caused her to feel uneasy.

With Sovereign destroyed, and Saren’s death, it was time to properly mourn those they lost.

—————

“Lieutenant, you ready?”

Sif’s door opened to Shepard walking in.

“I’m ready.” She said.

He walked over to Sif as she sat in her recliner next to the bed. She looked up at Shepard and back down to the floor again.

“I wouldn’t have left the Normandy, or you Commander. Just so we are clear.” She admitted.

“I didn’t think you would, I knew Joker was just blowing off steam.”

“I’m trying to say, I was embarrassed how that played out. It was a irrational decision, that I made, and Jeff took it badly.” She kicked a fluff on the ground.

Shepard sat across from her on the bed, and reached forward.

“We’ve worked together for a long time Sif, it’s okay. It really is. I’m sorry he embarrassed you, but if its any consolation, I didn’t take what he said to heart.” He reassured her.

“I wanted Kaiden to have hope, that’s all. For the first time, I felt … “ she trailed off.

“Wanted?”

“Does every one know how I feel about Jeff?” She raised an eyebrow.

“No, no ones said anything, but remember, we’ve worked together a long time. I watch you guys all the time, I know what’s going on. Your music, your banter. I figured something was going on.”

“Well, nothing’s going on if it’s any consolation. It never will. That’s why I said yes so fast.” She cleared her throat.

“I get it. It’s nice to be wanted, it’s nice to be appreciated.” He smiled.

“Yea, I’m glad you have that with Ash.” She grinned.

“How do you - “

“I know everything…it’s surprising what people tell me on this ship. You know Presley…I know the tea.” She chuckled.

Shepard smiled back at her. She could understand why Ash liked him. He was handsome, loved the galaxy, and cared for people. He was the commander, the specter all humanity needed. He reached for her hand and held it for a moment.

“I’m still sorry about Kaiden. He was a good solider, a good man. Probably the best of us.”

Sif nodded. “Thanks Shepard, I mean it, thank you.”

“Any time you need to be reminded at what you mean to anyone, the crew, Joker, me, just ask. I’ll tell you in a heart beat.”

“What do I mean to you?” She asked curiously as she stood to prepare to leave.

Shepard smiled at her, stood and took her hand. “Sif you mean the Normandy to me. You mean safety, and life. There are only two people in this world I trust to sit at the helm, and you’re one of them. I trust you with my whole being, and any who fly on our ship.”

She smiled at him. “I needed that.”

As they walked out of the cabin, Shepard handed her a plaque.

Kaiden Alenko. Stamped on cold steel.

“It’s for the wall, it’s most appropriate that you put it up.” Shepard said.

Sif choked back a sniffle. “I miss him.”

Shepard walked closer to Sif. “Permission to hug you?”

She nodded.

Shepard wrapped her in his arms and gave her the biggest hug she had ever had. She let herself tear up and appreciate someone doing this. He held on a little longer, and Sif composed herself.

“Thank you. I know why you are the best choice for a Spectre- you really do care about your crew. That’s what makes you so good.” She forced a smile. “I’m proud to serve you.”

“I’m proud to have you as head of my crew.”

—————

After Kaidens brief memorial, the crew disbanded, and made their way to their bunks. Sif rejoined Joker in the helm, to await further orders. As much as she wanted shore leave, she’d be fine with not having any. She didn’t know if she really wanted to go to Earth for a vacation, or to run away from her thoughts.

Shepard walked into the helm and greeted the two of them.

“We are going to take a bit of shore leave, then start to trace where the Geth are coming from. I think 5 days is appropriate. We don’t want the Geth to get too far ahead. While you’re on leave, I’m going to send out some smaller ships to do some reconnaissance. Just scouting ships.” He said very authoritatively.

“Sounds good Commander.” Sif said standing at attention.

“What do you plan on doing?” He asked.

“I think I’m going to go back to earth. I looked into where the nearest alliance base is to the mountains, and I think that’s what I’m going to do.” She nodded.

“Want some company?” Joker looked over his shoulder.

“If you’d like. It’s cold though right now.” She said hoping it would shake him off.

“That’s fine, you told me how great snow can be, so I figure I should go and see it for myself.” he responded.

“Great, you two seem to have it all planned out. Ill see you soon.” Shepard saluted them and left.

———-

“You’re sure you want to come along with me?” Sif asked Jeff.

“Yea, I think it would be interesting to see this place you always talk about.”

“It’s not what it used to be.” She said as she folded her sweater and packed a few other clothing items.

“Boots?” He asked holding up a pair.

“Boots.”

————-

Sif and Joker made it to Earth. The base was actually in between and underneath the Rocky Mountain Range. It seemed ideal for the Alliance to have a strong hold there, not much can move a mountain. They were welcomed and treated like hero’s.

The pair didn’t expect such a warm welcome, but they were given ample provisions for their short drive.

Sif got into the drivers seat of the old pick up truck, and Joker climbed into the passenger seat.

They didn’t say much, as the sky started to get darker, and the moon decided to shine brightly on their journey. After about an hour, Sif pulled over.

She put on her hat, and mits, and zipped up her coat. Joker did the same.

Once they were both out of the truck, she walked over to Joker and grabbed his arm.

“Here, let me lead you.” She said.

“Where did you bring me? Looks like a ghost town.”

“It wasn’t always like this.” Sif sadly explained, as she looked to the once busy shore of Lake Moraine. “It used to be swarming with tourists, from all over the planet, they’d come here to see the turquoise water, and the mountain tops. It was a jewel in the heart of the Rockies.” She let out a heavy sigh, her breath cold, swirled up to the atmosphere.

“What was that?” Joker pointed to a building.

“That was the resort, people would pay top dollar to stay here, and enjoy the scenery. Then it became over crowded, and people stopped coming in droves. Then space travel happened, and people stopped coming here all together. There was no more reason to see nature in it’s glory, the Citadel was far more exciting.”

Sif lead Joker to the shore, and stood there silently for a minute.

“Damn it’s cold. Why would you want to do this?” He asked.

“Because it’s peaceful.”

“It’s dark, it’s cold, and I’m probably going to die.”

“Don’t be such a diva Jeff, you’re fine.”

Sif took Jokers gloved hand and lead him across the frozen lake. She didn’t make him walk too far - she didn’t want to over burden him.

She looked up, the moon was bright.

“Here, lay down.” She said.

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Trust me.”

“If I get hypothermia, it’s on you.” Joker reluctantly said as he laid down on the fresh powdered snow.

Sif started to pile it on top and around him. “There, better?”

“Surprisingly yes.”

Sif laid down next to him, and focused her eyes on the stars.

“You know, when I was little, I remember laying here, looking at the sky and wondering what it would be like to fly up there some day, I guess that dream’s finally come true.” She reminisced.

“You could say that.” Joker grabbed her hand and pointed it up. “See that! I think that’s the citadel, it’s big enough.” He seemed excited.

Sif moved their hands to another cluster. “See that? That’s the Andromeda galaxy. I want to go there someday.”

“No ones gone there yet.”

“Someday someone will, and I want to fly into it. Be one of the first to navigate the uncharted.” She grinned.

“You have an aptitude for the uncharted.” He replied.

Sif laid there and watched the stars dance in the sky, their breath swirling above their faces. She remembered this being her last memory from earth that she loved. Everything else was useless.

“Before my dad abandoned me, he brought me here.” She started. “He took me out to the Lake, and told me to wait here for him. At that time, it was still full of tourists. I laid down and watched the stars, and waited for him to come back from the bathroom over at the Resort. I pictured him bringing us hot chocolates, and him listening to what I had to babble about.”

Joker shifted, she had never mentioned her biological father before.

“He never came back. He left me here. Someone had come to check on me, and they told me to come in or I’d freeze.” Her voice broke. “All I wanted to do was share something special with him, I wasn’t good enough, he decided to leave me here.”

“I thought he died?” Joker said, reaching for her hand again.

“He did. He went back to his truck, and drank himself into a stupor, then that road, is where he drove off a cliff on, but not before taking a family and their car with him.” She sniffed.

“You never told me that before.”

“It wasn’t important, I wanted you to know why I wanted to come here.” she said.

“This doesn’t sound like a good memory.” He said tenderly.

“It’s not, but it reminds me of everything that happened before he drove off. The hope I had. I wanted to be at peace for once in our life. We deal with so much up there, we needed a moment to remember what it was like before anything bad ever happened…or I do at least.” Her eye lashes started to freeze.

Joker laid there and let that sink in. His best friend was willing to share something that gave her complete peace before the biggest storm in her life. She wanted to share it with him, hoping it would help him relax, she wanted him to remember the good feeling this gave her, not the ones that followed.

He squeezed her gloved hand.

“Do you hate him?” He asked her.

“No. Not anymore.”

“Do you hate your mom?”

“No. I looked her up, and she was a drug addict. She died at 27 after having me from a heroine induced coma. They didn’t get the Naloxone to her in time. She suffered enough.”

“I didn’t know that either.” He said. For all the life they shared, he never had known about her younger years. She never talked about them.

“I didn’t know my real name.” She said.

“What?”

“I didn’t know what it was until I wanted to look my mother up. My dad was easy, I searched for “Man abandons daughter, drives off cliff” they didn’t name me in the article, so that was a bust.”

“Didn’t you have family? Anything?” He asked, concern flooded his voice.

“No, nothing. I was 5 I didn’t even know he had died until I was placed with my first foster family and a they told me what happened.”

“What was your name?” Joker asked.

“Dany.”

“That’s pretty.”

“It means unwanted in Polish.” She sighed. “It’s what I was.”

Joker sat up and rubbed his mittens together.

“Why the name Sif?”

“The first foster home had to call me something - they were huge into Norse Mythology and figured what better name for a girl who has to be a warrior in life to survive. It just kinda stuck.”

Sif helped him to hit feet, and started walking back to their truck. Before they reached it, he stopped and let the moon light reflect off of her eyes.

“You’re wanted. Never think otherwise.” Joker smiled, his cheeks pink from the cold. “You’re the one person in this world I care more about than myself. You always have been.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“You are wanted by so many - you are the best thing to happen to me.”

Joker enveloped her in a hug.

————-

The rest of their shore leave was enjoyable. Sif and Joker spent it in a hot tub with other Alliance who were on time off as well.

They sat in the most beautiful place Joker had ever seen. He made sure to take a few pictures to remember this adventure. He even had one framed, and kept it on his nightstand.

It was Sif and him, drinking Canadian beer in a hot tub during their winter vacation. Clearly both had had a few prior. If made him smile when he saw it, and wanted it to be a permanent fixture in their cabin.

Finally back at the Normandy, it was time to start searching for the Geth once again.

Shepard had just given them coordinates to an anomaly the alliance had found in the way out spaces.

As they approached the beacon signal location, there was a mass eruption.

Fire shot from a cloaked ship, and tore the Normandy in half.

“Joker, what the hell was that!” Shouted Shepard through the coms.

“I have no idea, I’m going to hold together this ship till I can get somewhere safe. Joker out.”

Shepard gabbed his helmet and ordered Liara to get everyone she could off of the ship in escape pods. Shepard made his way up to the command center. As he did he saw the full extent of the damage.

The entire upper portion of the ship was gone. It was nothing but vast space as he used his gravity boots to walk along the broken bay of the ship to the helm. He moved faster when he could see a familiar form floating in the zero gravity.

“SIF!” He yelled. She was tethered to the ship. “Sif, SIF.” Hé tried to yell louder. Nothing, space swallowed his words. He opened the closest pod, and put her inside. A gash of red trickled down her forehead. Her helm cracked. Shepard closed the pod door and made his way over the helm. Joker sat in his chair, with his force field behind him, giving him the last bit of oxygen he could muster from the ship.

“JOKER It’s time to go!” Shepard ordered.

“I can save her, I CAN STILL SAVE HER.” His labored words echoed in Shepards head.

“No, it’s too late, we have to get you out here.” He grabbed Joker.

“Hey eh, watch the arm.”

Shepard hauled him to the pod he had thrown Sif into, and opened the door.

“Sif!” Joker saw her laying on the floor. It was as if his mind stopped thinking of the Normandy completely, and he went willingly to her side. He turned back to grab Shepard hand to help him in, and as their fingertips nearly touched, he was stolen away by a piece of debris.

“NO!” Joker looked to the pod door and the floor where his friend laid. Shepard was gone, floating across space, with no hope of being saved. Joker hit the launch button and shot the pod into space.

He sat on the floor and examined his friend.

“What the hell did you get up to? I said to go and examine the console, not get dead, you never listen.” Joker looked back to the observation portal, and could see Shepards lifeless body continue to fall downwards into the planets orbit. He shuddered. He was responsible. If he had only not come to rescue him, Shepard would still be alive. He’s be in the pod with them, and they’d be laughing about this tomorrow.

Joker put his face in his hands. The realization of what just happened kicked in. He was so stubborn - he needed to change. To watch Shepard struggle in outer space for air, to watch his lifeless body - who was he going to tell he saw the commander in his last moments.

He was devastated. He threw his head back and groaned.

“What - where am I?” A weak voice came from below.

“You, you’re alive.” He said, examining her face, her head, and her arms.

“Jeff? What happened?” She asked slowly.

“You were definitely knocked out, what hit you?”

“Something hard. I had clipped myself to the ship when you told me you saw something, and I turned on my helm at the same time.” She slowly started to sit up. “What happened - why are we in a pod?”

“The Normandy is gone.” He said looking down, “We were ambushed. That ship got us in one hit.”

Sif tried to focus her eyes, and swayed to her left. “Who made it out?”

“I’m not sure yet, we did, Shepard threw you into the pod, and me behind you.”

Sif seemed to understand what was happening. “I think I’m broken.” She muttered.

“Where?” Joker started to examine her legs, and her torso.

Sif tried to get up to sit on the bench seat. She wasn’t able to. She rolled up her pant leg, and exposed a dislocate knee.

“How did that happen?” He asked.

“I don’t know. I took a hit to the head then blacked out.” She felt her forehead. The blood had started to harden. “I need something for this pain.”

“Where does it hurt?”

“My knee and my head. Might have broken a rib.” She said tenderly touching her chest. “Just get me to the med bay when we get to the Citadel. I really just need to lay down.”

“No, you can’t fall asleep. That’s the order for a concussion. Which I’m pretty sure you have.” Joker positioned himself close to her so she could lean on him.

“How long till we get here.”

“I’m not sure, we weren’t far into our flight when this happened. Couple hours maybe.” He could see she was in distress. “Here, lay your head on my lap, and I will keep you awake.”

Sif didn’t argue, she laid down, and put her head on Jokers lap. He took ripped a piece of his shirt off, and started to dab at her forehead. The blood kept oozing through the crusted bits. The gash was deeper than he thought it was.

“Even the Normandy was out to get you with this one.”

“The Normandy was the only thing I had that I called home.” Her eyes started to fill it tears, and soon they were running down her face, faster than he could wipe them away.

Joker dabbed at them for her, and moved the hair out of her face.

“Anywhere we are together, is home.”

Sifs tears streamed down her face harder. She was hurting. Every breath felt like agony. Her knee was either broken or dislocated, and she felt nauseous. She looked up at Joker as he applied pressure to her forehead.

He was taking care of her. He always tried too when she got hurt. She appreciated that. His eyes looked like they were in pain too.

“Are you hurt?” She asks him.

“You’re always concerned about me. Just think of yourself for once.”

She wanted to. She wanted comfort. She wanted to be held and told everything would be alright.

“Jeff - if I don’t make it, I - I need you to know.” She said as if about to pass out.

“I know.” He said looking down to her. “You can’t fall asleep, understood?”

Her eyes said yes.

“Good a I’ll talk - let me think of a good story to tell you. Ah I know, the one where the captain of the pirate ship has the best first mate….”

_______

As soon as they arrived at the Citadel, Joker rushed Sif up to Huerta Hospital. She had been seen immediately, as well as any of the Normandy crew who had come in from the explosion. Joker sat impatiently, as the doctors gave Sif anesthetic, and popped her knee back into place.

They then glued her forehead gash, and reset her big toe. She was in worse shape than she had thought. Her 2 broken ribs were a lost cause, they couldn’t do anything for it but time. Her appendix needed to be removed as well, it was on the verge of rupturing.

As she laid on her hospital bed, Joker sat there replaying all the events of the last 12 hours, not letting go of her hand the entire time.

“Joker, what the hell happened?” Captain Anderson asked as he walked through the doors.

“We were ambushed, no idea there was a ship there. They had sent out a bogus beacon and used some sort of cloaking device.” His responses were short, straight to the point. Just like the military taught them.

“Where’s Shepard.”

Joker slowly stood. “He didn’t make it sir. I watched him get spaced from the pod’s observation portal. He was about to get in behind me, and a piece of the ship caught him, and launched him into orbit.” He looked down, clearly torn by this.

Anderson paused, almost contemplating his next steps. His hair short, and his fatigues a grayish shade of blue.

“You and Sif are grounded until further notice. You have been provided pay, and accommodations off base until we can reassign you both. Considering your special circumstances, we will keep you together. This isn’t my choice, but of the top Admirals. They need time to work through this, and frankly, you both will need to as well. Dismissed.”

Anderson turned and left faster than he appeared. He left Joker in a state of shock.

‘We’ve been grounded? What the hell! All we did was fly the ship.’ Joker rubbed his face with his hands, then walked over to Sif who was laying in her bed.

“Hey, I don’t know if you can hear me, but it’s Jeff. Can you wake up? We’ve got some stuff to talk about?” He calmly asked her. “Please, I need you.” He rubbed her hand. It was soft. It was always soft. She didn’t move.

“Sif, if you wake up now, I’ll tell you how I’ve decided you and I should totally hook up.” He was trying anything at this point. “Fine, if you wake up right now, I’ll clean the cabin for a month.”

“Deal.” A groggy voice said with a tiny grin. “Jeff you okay?”

“You should have held out for longer, the deals would have gotten better.” He smiled down at her. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore, but the pain meds they gave me are out of this world. What do you need me for, are they discharging me?”

“I was talking to the nurse before I came in here, once you were awake, they were sending you home. Speaking of which, I have some good news.” He tried to act optimistic. “We are moving into the Citadel for a while.”

“I hope it has a view.”

“I’m not sure, Anderson was just here, he told me we are grounded til they are done doing the investigation.” He smoothed it over for her.

“What! I’ll be fine in a few days, no Ill be fine once they give me more pain meds, come on.” She tried to get out of bed. Joker pushed her back down.

“No, he’s right, we need time to recover from this.” He looked down at his hand that was still on her shoulder. “We lost nearly everyone from the crew.”

“What?”

“Presley, Gardner, Shepard…all spaced.”

“Shepard?” She asked as if completely sobered from her anesthetic haze. “What do you mean, Shepard.”

“I explained it all in the pod on the way here, do you not remember?”

“I think that is something I’d have paid attention to.”

“You were in pretty bad shape. Shepard was spaced saving …. My life. He pushed me into the pod with you, then got his by a piece of the Normandy.”

Sif’s eyes went large. “So we are just … abandoned by the Alliance, they aren’t going to help us?”

“Anderson said full pay and a place to live until they can reassign us. We should be great full, I think you’ll take a bit to get over this, your body will anyway. How’s your implant?”

Sif channeled her biotics. A blue glow started to come from her left hand. “It’s fine.”

Joker knew she was still trying to process what he just told her. He was too. He didn’t know how to explain what would come next, nor did he know. He crawled into bed beside her, and hid his face in her blood caked hair.

————

Months went by, Sif finally was able to recover, and she was back to her normal self. Or as normal as could be. After being part of the Normandy crew that lived, they had all started sending each others email to keep in touch.

Liara had been unscathed from the explosion and had left to Illium, to peruse Prothean artifacts, and Ashley was immediately reassigned to another ship. Garrus had taken off with Wrex for a bit, and Tali had continued on her pilgrimage.

Sif felt alone. Even the emails were few and far between. She missed her crew, she missed flying. She missed having Jeff beside her all day, cracking jokes, and being aware that the only thing that could stop them was death. He didn’t joke about death anymore.

For days, he had not slept. She’d get up during the night and he’d be sitting on the couch. She’d join him, and he’d ask her to sit next to him, and he’d hold her tight - as if he was about to loose her to some invisible devourer.

On Andersons orders, he had started therapy, and was resentful the entire time. It didn’t seem to help, but each time he’d come back, he would try to distract Sif with how it went with telling her how good she was looking after her head gash. She didn’t end up having a scar, but she was worried that it rattled around her brain quite a bit.

Sif had enrolled in physical therapy sessions three times a week. It was the only time she got out and could spend time with people other than Jeff. He wasn’t the same after the Normandy incident, but who was? Sif had her bad days, and for a while started to abuse the pain medication to cope with the daunting realization Shepard and Kaiden were gone. They weren’t just her comrades, they were her family.

Joker had noticed her abusing her meds, and called her out on it. Sif for the first time in her life hated him. She resented him. She wanted to yell at him, accuse him of his selfishness, and the fact it was his fault Shepard was gone. She had lost too much at this point. Parents, Kaiden, Shepard. It was unbearable.

She lost her level headedness.

“What the hell do you mean? Just accept the fact you being a stubborn ass hole lost us a friend and the best damn Commander anyone knew!”

“It wasn’t like that I didn’t push him backwards, the ship, it clipped him.”

“If you weren’t so obstinate, you could have been in the pod moments sooner, and Shepard moments sooner. Damn it Jeff.” Sif started to cry. “Just say it. Tell me, if you would have been a moment sooner, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Joker took her hands in his, “You’re right, if I was less stubborn, I would have been a few seconds earlier, and Shepard wouldn’t have been spaced. He’d still be here, we’d still be flying, and you’d still be broken.”

Sif’s eyes opened wide. She couldn’t believe he admitted it. “That’s all I wanted to hear.” Hearing him take responsibility for this, made her instantly soften. “I’m glad you survived.”

“I can’t tell if you’re serious.”

Sif walked closer to Joker and wrapped her arms around him.

“Therapy must be good for you.”

He hugged her back, he let her wavy hair fill his face with the scent of her shampoo. “I talk about you in therapy.”

“Sorry, I must really have messed you up.” She said sadly.

“No - I don’t think you understand, I miss Shepard, and I blame myself, but had I lost you instead? I can’t explain to you what that would have done to me.” He kissed the top of her head. She flinched. “Sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever done that to you before.”

Sif smiled in his chest. “I liked it.”

“I keep playing in my mind over and over, what happened that day. I wasn’t trying to be the big pilot and save the Normandy for my glory, I was trying to save it for you. For us. It was our home. It was our lively hood. I’m going to make it up to you I swear.” He rested his chin on her head.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” She said timidly.

“You didn’t even raise your voice. You just got a little excited. No ones calling the cops here.” He smiled. She buried her head into him as far as it would go, and breathed in his scent of fresh washed laundry.

——

A year had gone by and still they weren’t reassigned. Being on leave was one thing, but no end date in sight was another.

Joker and Sif seemed to be getting closer each day to losing their minds being grounded, but found solace in spending it together. They used this time to brush up on their flight skills, and Sif with her biotic skills. They cooked together, and even made the trip out to Tiptree together.

Jokers parents loved Sif. So did his sister Hilary.

They spent their time on the farm on the outreaches of civilization. They watched the stars at night, right on the edge of the galaxy.

They laid in hay on the ground and watched the sky.

“They aren’t called northern lights here, what do you call them?” Sif asked.

“Auroras - well I do anyway.”

Sif shifted in her place. “Do you think the universe knows yet?”

“Knows what?” He asked confused to a question that came out of no where.

“That there are things coming. The things like Sovereign.” She whispered.

Joker rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. The moonshine played across her face, and he examined the look in her eye. He mustered all he could, to not break her heart.

“I don’t think anyone is doing anything about it. When Shep was spaced, it was almost like the end. No one out there to figure it out, no one anyone could trust anyway.” He said as he reached for her finger tips. “Sorry, but I honestly think - things are happening and we are all gonna end up dead before we know what’s really going on.”

Sif returned the gesture. She held his hand as tight as she could without hurting him.

“I’m afraid.”

“I will never let anything happen to you, it’ll be okay. At least if need be, we can steal a ship and get the hell outta here.” He grinned at her.

“Maybe people need hope. They know something’s going on out there.”

“Like?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Your mom, and Hilary. They feel a weird tension throughout the galaxy. Your mom was talking about when she was done working last year, before they moved here, how people were talking a lot about Reapers and the past…”

“I didn’t think anyone cared.”

“Neither did I. We know what the Reapers can do. So I changed the subject. I told her I wasn’t feeling great.”

“You okay?” He asked concerned.

“Told her I’m probably pregnant or something.” She laughed.

“What?!”

“Then I told her if I was it would be her first grandchild. Jeff she lost her mind!” Sif cackled.

“Why would you do that?!”

Sif sat up and looked him straight in the eye. The illuminated skin on his cheeks was rosy, and his eyes seemed concerned yet amused.

He wanted to kiss her. To make love to her right there in the darkness of space. He wanted all of her. Her love, her heart - all he had to do was take what she so silently offered. The last year he slept next to her had been different, it felt as if he was sleeping next to the ghost of what he could have, but his brain kept telling him no. He briefly closed his eyes and imagined what would happen if he could just allow himself to be lost in her body. He pushed the feeling down again and opened his eyes.

He put his hand on her cheek and smiled, “I’m mean, I’m flattered you want that with me, but why tell her?”

“We all need hope, I mean there’s no way in hell you’d touch me, but your mom seemed to forget her troubles for a while. I figured it was a good trade off.” She fiendishly grinned.

Joker’s eyes gave him away. Inside he would be thrilled to have a kid, with this woman, who had done nothing but treated him with kindness their whole friendship, but not now. Not ever. He wasn’t going to pass on Vrolijk syndrome to anyone.

“Did she calm down?”

“Oh yea, I told her I was kidding - but she’s convinced we are a couple now, so you better play along.”

Joker laid back down and watched the stars again. There was no one else he’d rather be with, and was it really playing long if he wished it were true?

“Oh I’ll get you, don’t worry. I’ll make you regret that.” He grinned.

“I’d like to see you try.”

They continued staring gazing for a while, all the time he hadn’t let go of her hand.

[sifinspace]

Kaiden turned her back to face him. Her hair was messy, and her eyes look like they were holding back a cosmic force of emotion. He took his hands and cupped her face in them.

“It’s perfectly fine. I started it. I’m the one who should apologize.” He kissed her gently.

“No please don’t. I just, I don’t do things like this. I have been so lonely, and you’re so perfect for me. I - I can’t resist you. I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that. We are human, and the one man that should be in here under you, has a deeper relationship with a ship.”

She smiled. “You believe that?”

“I know how Joker is. He should be the one kissing you, making love to you. You might not see it, but I can.”

Sif got to her feet, Kaiden started heading to the door.

“Wait.” She said, reaching for his arm. “Don’t leave. I’m sorry please.”

“Sif, it’s fine, this is something I don’t want to force.”

“It’s complicated with Jeff and I. Let me explain, and you can decide where to go from there.” She looked pained.

“I like the sound of that.” He adjusted his pants, and sat down again.

Sif poured Kaiden another drink and explained her entire life to him. He told her where she and Jeff stood, what was going on in her mind. He patiently sat there and listened, all while holding her hand.

“…and I want you to be the exception to my life. I just didn’t know how you’d take all that, and I wanted to make sure you knew what was what.” She finished.

“I like being an exception.” He smiled and kissed her gently again. “Joker is protective of you. There’s nothing wrong with that. He watches out for you. You need that. Have you seen you?”

“No.” She said flatly.

“I have. Shepard has. Hell, Joker has and he knows what he could have.”

“You know this how?”

“It might shock you, but men, do talk.”

“Do you need time to think this over?” She asked.

“Nah.” He said defeated. “I know how this will end, and as much as I’d like for it to be us, I think you underestimate Joker.”

He kissed her cheek.

“You really think so?”

“I do. Until then, I’ll be here to hold your hand whenever you need it. I can’t be him, even though I’d very much like to be.”

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“It’s okay, maybe I need you in my life in other ways.” He laid down and she curled up next to him. His body warm and his arms comforting.

“I’ll always be here for you.” He whispered as he kissed her head with a breath of sadness.

———

“Where to next?” Sif asked as she swiveled around in her chair.

“Noverra, there some sort of plant there a shepherd wants to check out. Says he has a lead.” Joker responded.

“I do, I’m extra confident we’ll find something.” Shepard confirmed in as he walked toward the two.

“What are you hoping to find?” Sif asked.

“Answers, figuring out what the Geth want.” He nodded.

“Too bad we couldn’t just run a program, infect their core and control them that way.” Sif shrugged.

“Nah THATS too easy, Shepard needs the challenge.” Joker said.

“Sure, always make it more difficult. Anyway once getting us there, keep yourselves in dock once we land, get some rest, and keep the coms open.” He instructed.

“Aye.” They said together.

Joker hit the mass effect relay and they were launched towards Noverra. It was a high security planet with little else that most knew about.

Secrets were heavy in the galaxy and it seemed everyone had them.

Sif looked towards her partner. Flying confidently, holding the helm steady. His sturdy jaw clenched and his eyes focused. His hands resting gently on the controls. He was handsome. He always had been since the moment she laid eyes on him at the beginning of flight school.

How she wished she was on his mind. Maybe she was. She doubted it though. He only thought of two things, flying and comebacks. She pined for him for so long that it always made her heart hurt when she remembered how he felt towards her, but she was torn when Kaiden stopped her from going any further with him. She wanted all of him. She was ready for it. She wanted to show him the way she’s been feeling about him. Her brain stopped her, it wouldn’t have been fair. She liked Kaiden, really liked him, but she didn’t want to loose him as a friend over something that could cause issues. She sighed, her mind shouted at her for not letting her go all the way.

She grinned to herself, almost as if she was trying to convince herself they made the right choice.

‘Kaiden is the man she needs right now, as a friend.’ She tried to reason.

“Sif, do you see what I see?” Joker asked her.

“Is that…”

“Snow.”

“No way, I haven’t seen snow since I left earth. This just got better.” She grinned.

“Yea if you like being cold and wet.”

“Come on, you never played in snow? Ever?”

“Once, then I realized I could slip and fall, break some bones. I was over it.” He brushed off.

“You’re missing the safe fun.”

“Which is?”

“Laying on the ground, in a snow suit, at night in the dark, watching the stars.” She smiled.

Joker turned to look at her. “That could be a lot of fun… as long as I’m warm.”

“Don’t worry, if we ever get the chance I’ll make sure you’re bundled up properly.”

As they docked, Sheperd and his team disembarked. He took Liara and Kaiden with him on this mission.

The rest of the crew were below deck, making sure their gear and their equipment was up to par. Ash had paged up to the helm twice asking for diagnostics and Garrus had come by to share terrible one liners with Joker.

As much time as they spent waiting for the crew to return, Sif used it to clean the helm, and working on her small project for Joker. Once she finished, she then headed to engineering to spend time with Tali.

Tali was running numbers on something mechanical and she showed Sif how to read the diagnostics.

Sif was impressed with her skill. Tali was young, but she was certainly more capable than most engineers she knew. She was confident, and willing to take risks. Tali made sure she checked and double checked her work before giving Sif her findings.

“Thanks, Jeff’s been looking forward to these since I asked you about them a while ago.”

“No problem, it took longer than expected. I wanted to make sure I did it right.” Tali responded.

Sif made her way to the kitchen and Mess Sargent Gardner gave her a plate to take back to Joker.

“What is it?” She asked Joker after handing it to him back in the helm.

“I think, it’s roast beef and potatoes.” He grimaced.

“Wanna come back to the cabin and have something with me?” She asked.

“Sure, I could use a rest while we wait.”

Sif grabbed the plate of left overs and helped Joker out of his seat.

“You’re always trying to take care of me.” He grinned.

“Someone has to.”

They made their way to their cabin and heated up some frozen food. The smell made anything the Mess Sargent made smell awful.

“I guess pot pie it is.” Sif said handing Joker a fork.

“Better than nothing.”

They ate in silence.

“Ok I’m done, you get some rest, I’ll wait up, once you’re awake, I’ll take a nap.” She said.

“Fair enough.” He laid down on his side of the bed. “You gonna stay here with me?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yeah.” He said rolling onto his side.

“Alright, I’ll wait here.”

Sif sat in her comfy chair and put in her head phones. She turned on an audio book and listened to it as she watched the one man she desperately wanted fall asleep.

——

“How long was I out?” Joker asked her.

“4 hours.” She smiled.

“I needed that. Might sound weird but I always sleep better when you’re in the room.”

“Nah, I sleep better when you are next to me.” She grinned.

“Great, come lay down, you can get your shut-eye in too.”

Sif wandered over to her side of the bed, she crawled on top of the covers and faced Joker.

Joker laid his arm out. “Come on.”

“What?” She asked surprised.

“You can sleep on me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I kinda enjoyed that the other day. Don’t get too used to it, but I know you’ve been down, so come here before I change my mind.”

Sif crawled into Jeff’s arms and laid her hand on his chest. Her hair pulled back into a pony tail, fell along her neck and he tenderly moved it away.

“Sleep. I’ll listen for Shepard.”

Sif closed her eyes and left a grin on her face as she drifted to sleep.

——-

He really did like this. He liked how she laid in his arm, and how she fit perfectly into him. For once he felt like a strong man, someone who could protect her.

He watched her eyes flutter under her lids and the grin she fell asleep with still remain on her perfectly pale face.

He took his free hand and rubbed her arm tenderly.

He adored this woman.

She was his best friend.

Sif was the woman he vowed to take care of for his entire existence, protecting her from harm, and anyone who dared try to hurt her fragile heart.

It included Kaiden.

It included himself.

If Sif had ever found out he heard their conversation the other night, she’d never forgive him.

He always kept coms open when she was alone. Hoping to hear her sing her made up songs, and whatever she chose to watch on tv that night.

Hearing her tell Kaiden about her past wasn’t easy. Joker was a big part of it, and yet, he’d never allow himself to be anything more than what he already was.

Sif breathed in deep and let out a small snore.

He smiled, he kissed the side of her head as he did every time they slept together.

She never knew he did that. He didn’t want her to.

Instead, he played cold and distant.

‘She shouldn’t have told Kaiden anything, they should have hooked up. He could have been what she needed. He could have been the strong Lieutenant that gave her healthy kids, and a life outside of a cock pit.’

He sighed.

He didn’t do anything, and yet she was broken hearted - again.

He closed his eyes and waited for Shepard..

——

Joker woke Sif up an hour after she had fallen asleep. It was time to prepare for extraction.

Once Shepard and his crew was on board everyone met for the debrief, even Sif.

Shepard explained the next step they would have to take. Going to Ilos for a pit stop then head to Vermire to finish off the attack.

Everyone was ordered to check over their equipment as well as their emergency packs.

Sif got up to leave.

“Leaving so soon?” Shepard asked her.

“Aye Commander. Going to go check over a few things before we make the jump.” She smiled.

“Sounds good. I like when people take that initiative.”

“I’ll join you, I had a question about the hyper drive, I was down in engineering and it was making some strange noise.” Kaiden walked to her.

“It was? Tali, you hear anything?” Joker asked.

Tali shot a quick glance at Kaiden then to Joker. “I thought I did, but I assumed it was normal, best to check. May I join you?”

“That would be great.” Kaiden smiled.

The three left together and made their way down to engineering in the elevator.

“There’s no sound is there?” She asked.

“I mean, there’s a sound…” he smirked.

Sif looked caught off guard. She was planning on checking on The Mako, but it seemed Kaiden had another plan.

“You know, I hear under the hyper drive there’s a strange vibration. You two should check it out. I’m going to be upstairs in the main bay - come find me once you’ve isolated the noise.” Tali said as they walked off the elevator.

“Sounds good.” Sif said.

Kaiden and Sif separated from Tali and went down stairs to under the Mass Effect drive.

“Ok where is this sound?” She asked.

“Here.” Kaiden grabbed her arm and pulled her into his chest for a hug.

“Are you…”

“Shhh. Just shhhh.” he whispered into her ear.

They bathed in the glow of the Mass Effect drive intertwined with each other. Silence. Just two people indulging in the simple pleasure of touch.

Sif breathed him in, and he kissed the top of her head, resting his lips on her forehead.

“You could have just said you needed a hug Kaiden.”

“No, I lied before I can’t just be your friend and when I tell you things, I don’t trust that we are really alone anymore.”

“So why here?”

“Tali disrupted the coms down here before our last mission, she knew I wanted to talk to you.”

“What do you mean? You can always talk to me?” She tightened her grip on him.

“Let’s just say, I think no one will disturb us at the worst time through the coms.”

Sif examined his face, and realized what he was talking about.

“So what is so private?”

“We are heading to Vermire, I worry I - I won’t make it back to the ship again.” He slowly explained.

“What do you mean?”

“I think what I’m trying to say, is leave with me.”

Sif looked at him confused.

“If I make it back, after we stop Sarren, leave this all behind. We can go be assigned somewhere else. Together.”

“And just abandon Shepard?”

“It sounds awful when you put it that way.” He sighed.

“It would feel like it. Why do you propose this out of no where?”

Kaiden pulled her in closer and kissed her like he did the first time he locked lips with her. Warm, firm. All the things she liked.

“I need hope to get through missions. I’ve been, struggling. My implants been causing problems, and I need some time to have it adjusted. The headaches keep getting worse. I need hope so I can make it worth my while to make it out alive.“

“I’d didn’t realize you were in bad shape.”

“It’s constant. I want to stuff my brain in a jar and ver touch it again. How’s your implant?”

“Mines alright, I’m impressed you knew I had one.”

“I read your file after we talked. Twice.” He smiled.

She kissed him softly on his neck.

“You make resisting you so damn hard.” He said as he let a full body shiver run through him.

She kissed his collar bone.

“Promise me, we can leave the Normandy. Once this is all over. We can leave, start a family. I’ll love you till the day we die, if you just give me that chance. I’ll give you the life you deserve, the life you want, the life you should have.”

She was breathless. She wanted that more than anything. Normalcy. Reciprocated love. Her eyes we grew large.

“I’ll even get stationed somewhere on earth, we can live near Vancouver in the mountains. Drink beer and eat steak. Make love every night, and build our dream home together. I’d make that happen for you.” He almost pleaded. His feelings for her were deep, they were genuine. He wanted this woman to want him as much as she wanted Joker.

She rested her head on his chest. His heart beating faster than ever.

“Okay. When you come back from apprehending Sarren, I’ll leave the ship, I’ll leave Jeff.” She said.

Kaiden pulled her her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He walked her back into a wall and kissed her with all the passion he could muster.

Her mind swam - millions of miles a minute. What did she just agree to? She’d actually leave Jeff - how? She’d have time to figure that out later.

Kaiden bit her lip gently, then ran his tongue down her collarbone.

“Don’t stop.” She moaned with pleasure. As he nibbled her neck.

“Thank you, I promise, in a lifetime you will not regret this decision.” He said quietly as he put her down.

She pulled him in tight. Her mind completely shut off to the mission, the ship, everything except Kaiden.

“Make love to me. Here. Before you leave.” She asked him.

He smiled at her, and kissed her. He stretched her arms about against the wall, and pinned her in place.

“When I get back, I’m going to rip your clothes off so fast you’ll wonder how it happened.” He said between breaths. He kissed her neck again, then lower, until her shirt stopped his lips.

“Now you have to come back - leaving a woman wanting is basically the cardinal sin in space.” She smiled.

Kaiden kissed her again. “By the way, I lied. There’s no noise.”

“I assumed. I’ll just say it was something Tali tweaked.”

“She’s great.” Kaiden looked at the time. “Alright, it’s time to go, but wasn’t it nice not being interrupted for a minute?”

“It really was.” She kissed him one more time as they walked out from the Mass Effect base hand in hand.

Sifs Omni tool started to glow. A message. She pressed play.

“Ok so coms aren’t working down there, was going to tell you that Tali said she fixed whatever was wrong. So come back to the cock pit once you can.” Jokers voice rang out.

“Never a dull moment.” She said.

Kaiden kissed her lovingly and walked away.

——

Tali handed Sif a piece of paper. “Here, if joker asks what I found you can explain it to him. I’ve already told him, but it’s good to have it within easy access.”

“Thanks Tali. I appreciate what you did for us.” Her heart ached slightly.

Tali leaned into Sifs ear. “He is a good man. I want to see him happy.”

Sif smiled and wondered what she had gotten herself into. She knew. A new life. One without being pushed away. One she longed for.

She made her way back to the helm, feeling slightly sick. She took a deep breath. ‘Leave Jeff for everything? Why would I agree to that?’ She searched her brain for an answer. ‘Because there is no future with Jeff. With Kaiden I could have it all. I didn’t realize he actually liked me that much, to ask me to start over with him.’

Sif lurched forward a bit. The thought of leaving the Normandy made her nauseous. Leaving everything she had behind. She wasn’t against the idea, to have everything she wanted, with someone she cared for, was more than she could almost handle. ‘How do I go from being rejected to wanted?’ She thought as she took her seat.

“Good you’re back, Tali told me what was going on. Kaidens been by too. Said something about you’d have the full details of what you found.” Joker said.

“Yea, here.” She passed onto him the report Tali had given her.

“Weird the coms didn’t work in engineering.”

“Yea, they worked above but not where I was I guess.” She shrugged.

“Huh.”

“What did you need? If you were trying to get a hold of us through them?” She asked.

“Oh, just…” he searched for a thought. “Just if you’d found anything yet. I know Kaiden needs to get ready for the missions so less time spent down there would be better.”

“That’s kind of you.”

“Yea. I guess.”

“He asked me to go back to earth with him once this is all over.” The words spilled from her lips faster than she realized.

“Oh? For how long?”

“Indefinitely.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What did you tell him?” He started to sound bothered.

“I said okay.”

Joker went silent for what felt like an hour.

“Well, I guess you need to have a life outside of work.” Was all he said.

Sif didn’t respond. She turned away, and started to internally combust.

“We can talk about it later.” She finally said.

“Sure, okay, whatever works.” He pushed a few buttons sounding more angry.

“How much longer till Vermire?” Shepard asked walking up to the pair.

“Twenty minutes or so.” Sif responded.

“Sure, give him plenty of warning!” Jeff said loudly.

“I said we’ll talk about it later.” The flat tone sent shivers up her own spine.

“Why didn’t you talk to me before you said yes?” He yelled.

Sif winced. It hurt her to hear him upset.

“Lovers quarrel you two?” Shepard asked trying to lighten the mood.

Joker didn’t hold back his voice, it was livid. “More like, ‘we’ve been through hell but I’m going to ditch you for someone without telling you.’”

Her face was stone. “I said we will talk about it later.”

“Wow, right out of left field eh? Who’s taking you away.” Shepard got in on the drama.

“Alenko.” Joker said flatly. “I wouldn’t have cared had you actually discussed it with me before saying yes.” His voice even more angry.

“So what? You’re not together, let her be.” Shepard said.

Joker seethed. “They want to be reassigned.”

“Holy shit Jeff, go ahead and just spill to Shepard before you know any thing else. Fucks sakes.” She said obviously upset.

“This….Joker maybe you should take a walk.” Shepard said.

“Very funny Commander.” He swiveled in his chair.

“I’m not kidding, let’s go.” He pulled Joker from his seat gently. “You need to cool down.”

“This conversation isn’t over Sif.” He said as he walked away.

———-

Sif wanted to hurl. This was not how she planned her departure to go. She wasn’t even sure why she was leaving, but after the way he responded she thought it was the right idea.

Joker had come back to the helm after 10 minutes walking around with Shepard. He assured her he’d be fine for the Vermire mission and would be ready to talk once the ground crew had touched base.

Sif’s stomach turned multiple times over the fact that she had hurt her best friend, and nothing she could say would help make it right quickly.

She should have talked to him, but Kaiden needed the answer. He needed it to get through these next missions. She could feel her face flush. She was ashamed - but also mildly pleased she was going to have a new life.

Kaiden, Shepard and Ashley all left the shuttle and began their trek through Vermire.

Joker and Sif only had basic communication from them, but all sounded well and fine.

There were Geth everywhere, but they kept the Normandy just far enough away to be secure.

Sif and Joker sat in silence. Jeff being angry was harder than expected for her to handle.

As the hours ticked away, Sif grew more and more tense. She got up and did a few stretches. Her back was so tight from anxiety, her jaw clenched.

They just got word the crew had met up with a bunch of Salarian infantry there for the same purpose. They had planned to help Shepard and his team get the bomb to where it needed to be.

Sif liked the Salarians, they were straight to the point, and intelligent. She had drinks one night with a few when she was on shore leave. Interesting creatures.

Joker turned to her. “Ok, we need to be on alert, Sarren is here.”

Sif nodded and sat back in her seat. She took a drink of cold water and put her head set on. Anything could happen at this point. Shepard even left the coms open for them to listen.

They had split into two teams, Ashely went with the Salarians to protect the front while Kaiden and Shepard went in deep and started to activate the bomb that would help destroy the Geth transponder.

Sif didn’t like this. She had a bad feeling, or she was still ill from when Joker yelled at her. The memories that flooded her mind when he did that hurt more than anyone ever knew.

Joker knew. She knew he knew.

Rushed words came over the coms. Shepard was trying to make a decision. One that seemed to involve his two companions.

“Look you don’t have a choice. Leave me, save Ash.” Kaidens voice said.

“There’s always a choice.” Shepard responded.

“I’m overwhelmed here, someone tell me what to do.” Ash shouted into the com.

The line went silent.

“Do it Shepard. Go save Ash.”

“Kaiden.”

“Go!”

“Joker - Sif prepare of extraction. Go to Williams location. I’ll meet you there.”

“There could be time to get Alenko!” Ashley shouted.

“No, keep them busy for five minutes, it’ll give us enough time to…” Kaiden’s voice was cut off.

“Alright, extraction in progress.” Joker replied.

Sif’s grip tightened on her chair arm. Relief, sadness, anger all wafted over her body.

“Extraction complete.” Sif gave Joker a thumbs up.

“Aye.”

Shepards voice came through if he the coms.

“There’s no time for Alenko, get us out of here.”

The last breaths of a man left to death rang over the coms. No words, just the agonizing sound of a man drowning in his own blood.

Joker shut off the com to Sifs headset.

She was relieved.

They made their way back to safe space and everyone was gathered into the briefing room.

Sif sat still in her chair while Joker got up to leave. “You coming?”

She was frozen in thought. She just heard the dying breaths of someone she had made plans with. Someone she just started to want to love. She couldn’t move.

Joker put his hand on her arm. “I’ll fill you in.”

Sif didn’t flinch. She sat there with her vision focused on her monitors and her brain running full steam.

‘I should be angry. I should be devastated.’ She closed her eyes allowing them to moisten. ‘I’m relieved. I…. Didn’t really want to abandon the Normandy or crew.’ She let out a long shallow breath. ‘I should have had slept with him. Just once. I’m a horrible person. He trusted me he believed it would happen. He really thought we’d go to earth. Now he’s gone. His dying breaths will live forever in my mind.’

The bitter sweet of Kaidens death was too much for her to bear. She remained frozen in her state of shock until Joker returned.

“You alright?” He asked, not knowing how to come back from being a complete asshole.

She didn’t move.

“Sif, come with me.” Shepard said as he walked into the helm.

She didn’t move.

“I think she’s in shock.” Joker responded for her.

Shepard crouched beside Sifs chair and placed his hand on hers. His hand wound around her fingers and Joker shifted uncomfortably from side to side.

“I’m going to take you to your cabin. You need a bit to unravel what just happened.” He said in a way she’d never heard him speak before.

Slowly she turned to look at Shepard. Their eyes met.

“I’m okay.” She whispered.

“You’re not okay, you haven’t moved in an hour.” Shepard said.

“Has it been that long?” She asked.

“It’s been that long.” Joker said.

Sif slowly turned and got out of her chair. Shepards fingers still clasped around her hand. She walked three steps led by Shepard and turned to look at Joker.

“Happy?”

She turned and continued to allow the Commander to escort her back to her cabin.

[sifinspace]

Sif rested her head back on her chair. It has been a routine mission, and now, one soldier is dead, one Spectre was killed, and another is on the run.

‘Why can’t we have normal missions?’ She thought to herself as she watched the stars whirl by her in the darkness of space.

She knew why, when she signed up for flight school years ago, she signed up for adventure. That’s why her days are never normal. She punched a few buttons on her console.

“Sif prepare for jump.” Joker said to her.

“Aye.” She flipped a few more switches.

“I can’t wait to get out of here, this whole situation makes me twitch.” He said.

“Something’s going on, and I don’t want to be there to find out what.” She replied.

As she watched the speed of the stars increase, she took a deep breath. The mass effect relay shot them into darkness, then they emerged and saw it. The citadel, in all her galactic glory.

She could hear Joker talk to the docking personnel, and with a gently push of a button, she had handed him all controls for docking.

Sif was the co-pilot on the Normandy. A ship the first of its kind in all Alliance controlled space. She loved the Citadel, but she loved flying even more.

The Citadel had been her home since she graduated from flight school with Joker, and they rented an apartment there. However, since they spent so much time aboard the Normandy, they gave up their place and lived nearly full time on the ship.

“So what are your plans while we are in bay?” She asked him.

“Oh the usual, go get a drink, take a hot shower then sleep for a bit. You?”

“Probably the same. See you in the mess?” She asked getting up from her seat.

“As always.” He nodded.

Sif knew her duty as co-pilot was up until she was called back for the next mission. She didn’t mind, being second pilot meant less responsibility but same pay.

She and Joker had been working as co-pilots for years and they worked extremely well together. They had become friends during flight school and had stuck together ever since.

Sif stretched her muscles as she walked down the ramp to the mess. People were running around, collecting their things to take onto the Citadel. It was always slightly chaotic when they landed, but soon enough, the sea of people around her emptied out, and she was alone.

She looked around. Mess Sargent Gardner wasn’t where he should have been, he must have disembarked too she figured. She looked around then hopped over the bar and grabbed a couple beer. She sauntered over to the cushioned chairs at the dining table and settled in.

Sif cracked open a beer and kicked off her shoes. ‘Relief’ she thought as she put her feet up on the chair next to her. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She reflected on what was yet to come and who they had lost.

She liked Jenkins, he was a good man. He was terrible at cards, but at least he tried. She smiled at the thought of him loosing 25 credits the last time they played.

Her mind wandered around her brain, hopping from thought to thought until she heard feet shuffling towards her.

“Hey, I thought you’d be going shore side.” A deep voice broke the silence.

She slowly opened her left eye, and sitting across from her was Staff Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko.

“Nah, I don’t have anyone to see, or anywhere to go, so I’ll just stay put.” She smiled.

“Sounds familiar. Want some company? Everyone else is gone.”

“Of course, drinking alone is never fun.” She passed him one of the beer she had grabbed. “Sorry it’s not anything special, but it’ll do.”

Kaiden smiled, “It’s the thought that counts.”

She sat up, and looked into his eyes. “You okay?”

“Yea, thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry about Jenkins. He was a good soldier, and a decent man too.” Sif said raising her beer to the air.

“I’ll drink to that.” Kaiden took a long swig. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. We were just playing poker and - I haven’t had the heart to move his cards yet.”

“Do you want help?”

“Moving some cards? That seems ridiculous.”

“Maybe, but finishing a game is closure. It can mean goodbye.” She said.

“That’s oddly - metaphoric.”

“I have lost enough to know when to put things away.” She sipped her beer. “Come on, where did you leave them?”

“Over in the observation deck.” He got up.

“Alright, let’s go.” She stood and picked up her shoes.

They walked to the observation deck and sure enough, there they were. Jenkins cards laying on the table, right beside an empty can of soda.

“Take your cards and I’ll take his.” She passed him another beer. “And drink, to Jenkins.”

Sif and Kaiden sat there finishing their game in near silence. The creaking and groaning the Normandy did in the background helped them concentrate.

She laid her hands down. “I fold, man his cards were bad.”

“They were.” Kaiden laid down his. Two pair.

“We’ll congrats Kaiden, you win this.” She smiled. “Now drink up. Jenkins wouldn’t want that beer going warm.”

Kaiden and Sif moved over to the couch in front of the window overlooking the citadel. In silence they sat, every now and then pointing to something moving on the docks.

They laughed about things, and Kaiden shared stories about Jenkins. They didn’t know each other very long, but soldiers always seemed to become fast friends.

“He was young, but he could shoot faster than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“Did you guys duel or something?” She smiled at him.

Kaiden stretched his back and slid his arm on the back of her chair, “No, but we did go to the shooting range together. He outshot me so bad each time.”

They drank the rest of their beer and sat in enjoyable silence.

Time went by and Kaiden stood up.

“Thanks Sif, I - I needed this.”

“Always.” She paused “I should have eaten today - I forgot by the time I finished that first drink.”

“Why haven’t you eaten?” He asked concerned.

“I was waiting for Jeff, and I was too preoccupied with working under the cockpits deck to remember. Now, it’s anyone’s guess how long he’ll take.”

“The Normandy is Jokers baby that’s for sure.” Kaiden smiled, “you wanna go get a pizza or something?”

“Leave the ship? Sure. As long as I can walk straight.” She giggled.

“Great I’ll meet you at the air lock in ten.”

Kaiden smiled at her.

“Deal.”

Sif’s head buzzed while she walked back up to the cockpit, Joker hadn’t left his seat. He never did. She always expected him to be there. It was a constant in her life she enjoyed.

He was predictable, a talented pilot, and she was happy to be his number two. Even if that meant she wasn’t afforded small curtseys from him she wished he’d give her.

A simple ‘good job’, or ‘well done’ would have been enough.

The cockpit glowed around Joker. It reflected off every surface surrounding him. His red-brown beard looked blue, and his eyes were focused.

“You know if I ever had to wait on you for anything I’d probably die first.” She said standing inches from his shoulder.

“Nah, I was almost done.” He looked up at her. His green eyes reflecting the consoles shine.

“Kaiden and I are going off ship to get some food, you wanna come?”

“Ugh, leave the ship? Nah, bring me back something though will ya?”

“Always.” She patted him on the shoulder.

“And a beer! I could use one.” He shouted after her.

“Not while you’re in that seat!” She shouted back.

——

Joker made sure she was gone before he smiled. He didn’t want her to know he even could. She caught him a few times, but he liked to hide himself from everyone, even his best friend.

He liked how she always watched out for him. Bringing him dinner, bottles of water, the little things.

She watched out for him more than anyone else ever had. He knew he was lucky to have someone like her around.

Since flight school they were inseparable. Everyone knew that where Joker was, Sif would be close by. She took care of him, not just physically, but mentally. She was his ground. He appreciated that someone could stand his demeanor long enough to be his companion.

Joker stretched his arms and laid back in his seat, and lowered his hat over his eyes. He wished she didn’t go with Kaiden, and stayed with him instead.

Most of all, he wished he could tell her that.

——

“How are you feeling after seeing Shepard go down?” Sif asked taking a bite of her pizza.

“It was my fault. I always get too close to things.” Kaiden chugged his beer, “curiosity I guess.”

Sif nodded. “It gets the best of us. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine, he always is. Seems like you can’t keep him down no matter how hard some try.”

“Yea.” Kaiden grinned then took his last sip of beer.

“Thanks for wanting to grab something, don’t tell the mess sergeant but his cooking is terrible.”

“You have my word, I swear those rations they give us are from the First Contact War.”

“Jeff and I have a bunch of goods we pick up and heat when we are hungry. Kinda pays having your own cabin sometimes.” She grinned. “I also squirrel away other things. Wanna find out what I’ve got?”

“Are you asking me back to your cabin Lieutenant?”

“To come see my private stash? Yea that sounds bad, definitely not what I mean.”

Kaiden laughed and got up. “Never turn down a woman who asks you that.”.

Sif packed up the rest of the pizza for Joker, and a few other things along the way as she and Kaiden headed towards to Normandy.

The Citadel was large and glowing. She loved walking through the atriums looking at the plants and seeing the birds that lived there. They seemed at peace, like they had a place in this mass universe.

Something she longed to have.

——

Back on board, Sif gave Joker his pizza. He hadn’t moved from the pilots chair she left him in. She just smiled and said, “See you later I guess.”

“Maybe I found some coding I’m working on in her data base. I’ll let you know what I find.”

Then she made her way back to her room, and changed into her cabin clothes. A ratty t shirt, and some shorts she had had for years.

“Hey, can I come in?” Her door buzzer chimed.

“Yea totally.” She smiled.

Her perfect teeth shone.

Kaiden returned the gesture.

Sif walked over to her cupboard and pulled out two short glasses. “Make yourself at home. I do.”

He walked over and sat on the end of the bed and looked around curiously. Everything in perfect order.

“What?”

“There’s two of you? Why only one bed?” He asked confused.

“We rarely ever are here at the same time. When we are, we just share. Might seem strange, but after years of it, you get used to it - and we can have more room for other things.”

“Joker does seem to sleep in his chair a lot.” He grinned.

“Yea most nights, but sometimes we’ll watch a movie or something but he generally stays out. I think he does that because it’s more comfortable for him. Why do you think it’s got mostly my touches in here?” She smiled.

Kaiden looked around and could see Sif everywhere. It was subtle, but not without a hint of Jokers presence. A few bottles that looked ancient were on display, a picture frame with mountains and her in it. Another picture with Joker and her at graduation.

“If I was him, I’d be here every night.”

Sif could feel her stomach flutter as she got up and opened a drawer in her desk. She pulled out a brown paper bag.

“How much have we drank today?” She asked still buzzed.

“Enough to know I meant what I just said.”

Her cheeks flushed bright pink. She changed the subject. “Here. Open this, it was something I picked up a while back. With all the activity today, I think we need it.”

Kaiden pulled the bottle out of the bag, and a look of excitement and admiration crossed his face.

“Canadian Club. I could kiss you!” He was elated.

“I mean, it would be nice, it’s been so long.” Sif poured two glasses. “To the fallen, and the unbreakable.”

She tilted her glass.

“To the ones who know how to make the hurt less.”

They took a hefty drink each of whiskey.

“I wanted to do that with you for a while, and today seemed most appropriate.” She sat next to him, one leg under her. “It’s always nice to share something a little special with someone from back home.”

“I appreciate it. I will forever be thankful. It’s not often I get to do this kind of thing with someone like you.”

“Kaiden, if you keep saying nice things to me, I’m libel to not let you walk out that door tonight.”

He shifted and smiled at her. “Is that a promise?”

She nodded - without making eye contact.

“I can’t help myself. It’s been a long time, since I’ve let my guard down, and you make it so damn easy.” He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re just so, you. So easy to let myself be me. No wonder the guys are all over you when they get assigned to the Normandy.”

“What?” She asked confused.

“You’ve never noticed?” He asked her, reaching for her hand.

Her heart raced as he touched her finger tips and intertwined their hands.

“I guess I hadn’t. I’m always preoccupied with other things to really notice I guess.”

“Or another person. Joker?”

She inhaled deeply then nodded.

“I should have asked this a long time ago. Are you two - together?”

“No. We are in a situation ship I guess, but not one that makes us…. A couple? Just best friends. That’s an awkward way to say it.”

“At least it doesn’t make me an ass trying to steal his girl.” He laughed, “So you two have never?”

Sif squeezed his hand then looked him in the eye. His handsome features made her melt inside. His kindness made her want to be vulnerable, to open up to someone. She shook her head.

“That must be hard.” Kaiden tightened his grip on her soft hand. “I don’t know how someone could share a bed with you and not even touch you.”

Her heart skipped and her stomach tightened with anticipation. “You really think? Would You?” She asked.

“I wouldn’t let a day go by without holding you if you shared my bed.” Kaiden said softly as he inched closer to her.

Sifs heart pounded loudly against her chest. She switched back to the previous subject. “I assumed I wasn’t… his type.”

“Does he likes women?”

“Oh yea - but maybe I’m not smart enough, not savvy, or attractive enough. It always slightly bothers me.”

Kaiden took his hand and raised her face to his. “You are absolutely smart enough. Don’t even joke about being attractive, you’re gorgeous. Never think or let anyone let you believe otherwise.”

“Thanks for saying it. It’s tough you know, when all you want to do is have sex with someone you feel completely safe with?”

“When was the last time?”

“Oh, it was several months before end of flight school. So it’s been years - but that’s ancient history. I just don’t want people taking advantage.”

“Please never think these advances were that.” He said distressed. “But if someday you want to feel safe with someone, I’d love to be that person.”

Her heart skipped a beat. She blushed and turned away. “I’ve spent enough time with you to know you better than that.” She stood up and down the rest of her drink.

Kaiden finished his off and stood to leave. “I’m sorry I ruined this, I know this wasn’t your intention.”

“It’s a nice reminder that someone might want me.”

“I want you.” He whispered setting down his glass.

In his next breath Kaiden took his chance, he leaned in and kissed her. His lips pressed against her swiftly. It took her off guard, but she wanted more, she put her hands on his belt and pulled him closer. He wrapped his arms around her lower back and tugged at her towards him. Their lips moving in time with one another caught her breath. He kissed her neck, her collar bone. She let out a quiet moan. She wanted this so badly.

She started walking him backwards toward her bed. Just as she was about to push him down, the coms crackled.

“Sif you there?” Jokers voice buzzed.

Kaiden sighed, then smiled at her. “Night Sif.”

“See ya LT.”

Kaiden smiled and walked out the door.

“Yea, what?”

“Kaiden done hitting on you yet?” Jokers voice came over the rooms speaker.

“We’re you….eves dropping?”

“I just got the last second, I opened the com and then heard you guys talking.”

She rolled her eyes.

“What do you want?”

“I found the problem in the Normandy’s coding, and fixed it. It’s not too late, wanna grab a drink?”

“You want me to add to the ones I’ve already had?”

“Yea why not? We are parked for a while.”

“Sure, I’ve got the whiskey.”

“On my way.”

Sif was sure she could hear a smile in his voice.

——

He lied.

He had heard the whole thing.

——

Joker had been laying on his side of the bed for an hour, sipping his drink, and watching a movie they picked out.

Sif drank, but she was still surprised that he wanted to spend time with her.

“So what’s the occasion?” She asked.

“Huh?”

“Why spend time with me? Today?”

“I dunno, lots has happened. Shepard going down and taking a hit, Jenkins… Kaiden trying to hook up with you. Figured I should remind you I exist.”

“Jeff, are you…. Worried I might find someone to spend my Rec time with?”

He sat up straight. “Nah. We’re good. Just thought you might be sad about Jenkins. I am.”

She forced a grin. “Yea. Thanks. It definitely was a shock, but they are soldiers, it’s a hazard.”

“I guess. That’s why I keep you in the helm. Gotta protect my girl.” Joker sipped his drink and tilted it to her.

“Thanks. I’m gonna hit the shower then go to sleep.” She paused, her arms tingling. “Wanna join me?”

Joker looked confused. “What?”

“I figured you wanted to be hit on, since you listened to Kaiden and I.”

“I’m good.” He sat back and let a grin play at the corner of his lips.

“Haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like? One night of passionate sex with someone you trusted?”

“I’d rather wonder what it’s like not to break my pelvis.” He replied locking eyes with her.

“Alright, I’m sorry, just thought I’d ask.”

Joker shifted - “look we talked about this. This what we have works, why make it weird? Go sleep with Kaiden if you are so hard up.”

“Sorry, I just…never mind.” She said walking into the bathroom slightly hurt.

‘I am such an ass.’ Joker thought as he ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes.

——

“I’m not surprised.” Joker yawned as he rubbed his neck.

“I’m more surprised they gave it to a human. Aliens don’t like us as much as we think.” Chief Ashley Williams said as she took a bite of her protein bar.

“At least it’s someone we can trust. Giving that kind of freedom to anyone isn’t always the smartest move.” Kaiden replied.

“When men get privilege they often keep going for power. We know the Commander, he’ll use it wisely.” Joker said.

“I’m glad someone is, I wouldn’t want to be a Spectre.” Kaiden mentioned.

“Why not?” Ash asked.

“Too much responsibility. Too involved with intergalactic politics. You know how it is.” He shrugged.

“You’d make a find Spectre Alenko. As long as you gave the crew good brews after a tough mission you would never go wrong.” Sif smiled as she turned her attention back to the Normandy’s controls.

“All I’m saying is now we have a new set of eyes watching us. Ones that want us to fail everything.” Ash sighed.

“It’s always good to be cautious, but we’ll let it play out how Sheperd wants it to. Let’s just keep being the crew we’ve always been, but better.” Kaiden concluded.

“Spoken like a future Spectre.” Sif snorted.

“I won’t forget that.” He smiled as he rubbed his neck. “Come on Ash, we’ve gotta get our gear in order.”

“Aye LT.” She swallowed her final bite and left with him.

“What do you think?” Joker asked Sif.

“About what?” She poked at a control.

“Aliens verses us?”

“If we look at it that way, we will never play on the same team. I just look at it like, we are all vying for the same goal. Work together, get along.” She paused and smiled “you don’t have to lie everyone you work with, just tolerate it for the better ment of everyone else”

Joker leaned his head back. “I don’t care about aliens you know that, I just hope it doesn’t ruin how far we’ve come you know. One bad egg in the basket….”

“Yea, pilots and peace keepers. Apparently it’s our second duty”

“Glad we took that training program too eh?” Joker laughed.

Sif smiled. He was always free around her. Generally always happy, but his demeanor always changed the instant someone else came over.

“Joker, Sif - set a course for Knossos system.” A husky voice bled through the intercom.

“Aye Commander.” Joker replied and punched in the coordinates for their first destination.

———

The Knossos system was dark, dotted by planets and the rumble of new life. They had probed a few planets and after successfully finding an anomaly on Therum, Sheperd, Ashley and Kaiden were off.

Sif got up from her seat and stretched - “I’m going to go down to engineering and make sure everything’s tight.”

“Ask Tali if she noticed anything strange. There’s been a few hiccups I can feel in the probe launch. Then ask Garrus if he could recalibrate the guns. I know he would like that.” Joker ordered.

“No problem.”

Sif walked down to engineering. The halls were bright and illuminated with a blue hue. Calming. She always thought it felt, while the ship hummed away. It often helped lul her to sleep on difficult nights - even after the evening with Kaiden she used the sound to white wash her thoughts.

Engineering was louder than usual. She didn’t spend a lot of time down there, but Tali was more than happy to run diagnostics for Joker.

“I don’t know why he didn’t call me over the intercom. Why did he have to send someone?” She asked.

“I was coming down here anyway to check on a few things. Figured I’d come say hi.”

Tali’s demeanor changed. “You’re not here to check on me?”

“Absolutely not. I wanted to say hi and ask an expert their opinion I mostly just fly the ship, I’m no engineer.” Sif smiled.

“Then - thank you. I’ll get in this right away.” She paused, “maybe we can all get a drink sometime. Get to know everyone.”

“Sounds good. I’ll let Jeff know.” She smiled.

“Jeff?” Tali asked

“Joker - sorry, I knew him before the nick name, and I can’t change it now.” She grinned.

“Understood. Alright I’ll talk to you later.”

Sif walked out of engineering with more questions than she at as started with about the ships function, but she wasn’t in a place to ask. Just as she was about to find Garrus, joker paged her back to the cockpit.

She made her way up to the helm and sat in her seat.

“Good timing, the Commander’s shuttle docked.” He said.

“Thanks.” Sif waited patiently for their next command over the intercom.

“Get out of here. Take us to Feros, hurry.” Rushed voice shouted.

Sif exchanged a look with Joker and they made the moves to hit the Mass effect relay.

Moments later the stars were nothing more than a streak of light beside the Normandy. They stopped suddenly - and there it was, Feros.

“Sif, Joker can you hear me?”

“Yes Commander.” They responded

“I need you to keep the ship close enough for coms. I’m taking Alenko, and Liara onto planet. When called we need immediate extraction. Well be leaving shortly - just finishing up prep.”

“Aye.”

“Shepard out.”

“He’s not taking Ash?” Sif asked.

“Yea, weird. They are connected at the hip. If you know what I mean.”

“Huh. I’m gonna run to the washroom really quick. I’ll be back in few.”

“Sure.”

She lied.

She got up and walked quickly to the elevator. She rode it down a few levels and found Alenko putting on his gear.

“Hey?” She said softly. No one else was around, Liara had got on the elevator as Sif had gotten off.

“Sif, are you okay?” He asked walking towards her concerned.

“Yea, I just wanted to tell you one thing before you left.” She moved in closer to him. His armor looked heavy, she was glad she wasn’t a soldier.

“What’s that?” He asked, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer, tighter to him.

“Come back. Please.” She put her arms around his neck and hugged him.

“As long as you’re here to come back to I will.” He whispered into her ear. Her hair smelled like lavender, he loved it.

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled.” She let go and tried to turn to walk away.

“Sif?” Kaiden took her hand and pulled her in close. “Put a couple drinks in the fridge, we’ll have one when I get back. That’s a promise.”

He moved into her, and slid the tip of his nose down hers. He was wearing body armor but she could feel his heart race. She looked up to him, and he let his lips graze hers.

“Sif you okay? Why are you down in engineering?” Jokers voice buzzed over the com.

She rolled her eyes. “Wanted to check on the Mako. I had a thought when I was going to the washroom, I’ll explain in a minute.” She breathlessly called back, then silenced her Omni tool.

Kaiden didn’t let the interruption impede him. He kissed her lips firmly, and bit her bottom one. She returned the gesture. “For anticipation.” He whispered in her ear.

She walked with him to the elevator and they rode up together. He held her close the entire way up, allowing each other to be lost in the moment.

“What are we doing?” She asked him. Her head buried in his shoulder.

“Being human.” He kissed her hard again, this time backing her into the elevator wall.

The lift shopped.

They rearranged themselves and the doors opened.

“Good luck.” She said to him as he disembarked.

He rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb.

“This is all the luck I need.” He winked at her.

Sif blushed and walked away, finally she made it back to the helm.

“So what’s wrong with the Mako?” Joker asked.

“I was thinking when you felt something odd with the probe launcher I was wondering if the Mako had anything that could also be off with its launch units.” It was a stretch, but Joker bought it.

“Oh, I’ll get Tali to check it out.”

“Maybe ask Garrus to check its cannons too.”

“Good idea. He loves calibrating stuff.”

She let out a silent sigh.

——

Hours had passed. Zhu’s hope was secure and Shepard had taken on the exogene plant. All seemed to be going well.

The Normandy hummed in the docking bay and most everyone who wasn’t working the helm had taken to sleep. It was exhausting at times to sit in the cockpit awaiting orders, but someone had to do it.

Jokers head nodded up and down. Sif could see he was getting tired.

“Just close your eyes, I’m awake.” She told him.

“What? No. This is…”

“You don’t trust me?”

“-I do. Sorry okay just for a few minutes wake me if something happens.”

Joker leaned back in his chair and pulled his hat down over his eyes. Sif liked when he was quiet. It was the only time he wasn’t trying to defend himself from people.

She always figured he was over compensating for his disorder. She knew he felt like lesser of a man because of it.

He wasn’t. He was more of a man than anyone would ever know.

Sif sighed at the thought of them. She wished he could see what he is.

He was her best friend.

He was all she had, and the one thing she didn’t have.

Sadness filled her mouth. It tasted bitter. Sif missed having someone to love her back. She missed intimacy. She missed affection. She felt stupid. How could she want that from someone who wouldn’t give it to her?

She knew who would.

Sif punched some buttons on the consul and adjusted her ear piece. A soft song came through, and she let her thought’s drift to Kaiden and the passionate embraces he gave her was enough to satiate her loneliness for a while. It was the first time in years someone had touched her lips. She wanted more.

In her heart she longed for him. His tight body and black shirt crossed her mind. His dark eyes looking into her soul. His black hair in her fingers, her hand on his belt.

She grinned, then her lips danced into a frown. How could she let herself be torn so badly. It seemed obvious. Jeff wasn’t an option, but why couldn’t she let go of him?

The pit of her stomach punched her ribs. She wanted Kaiden, she wanted someone to appreciate her. Her mind was ripped in two.

“Normandy - Joker, Sif, prepare for extraction.” Her thoughts were broken by the sound of Shepards voice.

“Jeff let’s go.” She shook his chair.

He woke like he never really had been asleep.

“Great. Prepare for extraction.”

“See I told you I’d stay awake.”

“Yea sorry I shouldn’t have said … anyway, come

On let’s get them and get out of here this place gives me the creeps.” Joker said.

As the team boarded the Normandy, they went directly into the debriefing room. Joker went too, and left Sif in control.

“Okay well just leave it here, I’ll be back after the debriefing and fill you in.”

“As always.” She leaned back.

“Try not to crash my ship eh?” He called as he limped away.

They had parked just outside the mass relay - they never left the system unless something big happened.

Sif started playing her music again, and thinking about her situation. She wanted to justify being an interest to someone, and still have Jeff at her side. They’d been through so much together.

Would Kaiden even understand?

Sif stretched her tired back. She always asked Jeff before she would pursue something like this, a few dates in the past, nothing more.

Surely he wouldn’t have anything to say about Kaiden. He liked Kaiden. He didn’t like half the guys she wanted to go out with. Having a guardian was great, until it wasn’t she concluded.

Foot steps approached her. “Sif take some time to get some rest, it’s been a long day.” Shepard said to her.

“Where’s Jeff?”

“He’s coming, but I know you’ve been up the whole time.” He grinned.

“How?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I heard you listening to music again.”

“Again?”

“Oh yea, every time, you forget to close the com when you do it.” He smiled.

“Well - shit. Sorry if it’s not stuff you like.” Her cheeks flushed.

“It’s a change from what I usually listen to, but music tells you a lot of what’s in someone’s mind. Now, go get some rest, have a drink, and if Joker doesn’t tell you I will, you’re a hell of a pilot.” He smiled.

“Thanks, that means a lot Commander.”

Sif got to her feet. She appreciated someone telling her she was doing well. To rip the compliment from Jeff was too much effort these days, they weren’t something he readily doled out.

She made her way to the mess hall. She was looking forward to some left overs, but was met with nothing more than an old potato and coleslaw that had been sitting too long.

“Forget it.” She sighed. She walked back to her cabin and found something better. She ripped open the package of a pack of trail mix and laid down. She made sure to cut off coms to her room and turned on some music again.

The words flooded her mind - they reminded her of times before all the confusion, before wanting more of Jeff, before her feelings for Kaiden started to rise up in her.

If Jeff only had come after they were docked and spent time with her. Sif had been hanging out with the crew for weeks prior to any of this happening, they were pretty vocal in telling her how they felt bad Joker would ditch her for the Ship.

Then Kaiden started spending more time with her in their off hours. She wasn’t surprised this happened.

Her door buzzed.

“Come in.” She said, still laying in bed in her uniform. Her braided bun had fallen out, and was a mess of hair.

“Hey.” A smooth voice said to her.

“Kaiden?” She sat up. “You okay?”

“Yea, Joker said he was gonna stay up stairs all night and that they sent you to bed. I wasn’t sure how tired you really were, but I wanted to know if you’d like to have a drink with me?”

She smiled. “That would be nice, I was worried about you - you Guys down there.”

“I was worried about you too.” He grinned, as he moved in closer to her and gently kissed her. It was already familiar to her, the safe, warm, tender kind.

Sif blushed. “Here.” She grabbed two glasses from the shelf. “Ice?”

“Neat please, a whiskey like this you don’t ruin with ice.”

“Oh so that’s why you’re here! You want the good stuff.” She said as she poured a portion each.

“Obviously I use you for your connections in the whiskey world. Why else do I come poking around at night?” He took a sip.

“Good point, my years of bootlegging have paid off.” She tipped her glass at him.

“Nah, you know why I’m here.”

“We haven’t drank enough yet to be get cute.” She sipped her drink.

“I know, I want to - tell you how I feel before I do.”

Her stomach tightened. A ball of fireflies started to hit all sides of her.

“I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while, but things kept coming up, then Jenkins, Joker - but that moment before I left, I can’t stop thinking about it. Despite the circumstances, I have enjoyed every second with you.”

“I do too. You’re what I need right now.” She took a large swallow of whiskey - feeling as if she let too much be said on her part.

Kaiden blushed. “I - I want to spend more time with you. A lot more time. The kind of time where we fall asleep together and wake up beside each other. Time where I don’t feel like I have only minutes to be with you until we are interrupted.”

“Us interrupted? Never.” She teased.

“We’ve worked together for a while now, and I’ve watched you, for that long. I see you, I can see into your mind when you don’t expect it.”

“You can? Being a biotic allows that eh?”

“No, but your music does.” He reached over and turned up the song she had playing. “Your torn, torn between what you have and what you need. I could…” his words faded.

Sif looked at him sideways with eager eyes of anticipation. Kaiden stood and took her into his arms, as he searched for his next words.

“Last time I tried this, Joker got in the way. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a coincidence. I want to try this again, … I could be the one you need.” He said pulling her in squarely with his hips, her body pressed into him, she could feel his entire form.

Her stomach fired on all engines and started doing back flips. Just as it did earlier. She kissed him without even thinking. He didn’t hold back, he returned the gesture with force and breathlessness.

“Just let me try. Joker is a good guy, but he’s so blind to what he could have. I know you have feelings for him, but I could give you what you deserve, all of it.”

She pulled him towards her and let his arms wrap around her waist tighter. She rested her head on his chest. He smelled like whiskey and vanilla. He was comfort. He was protection. He wanted to make her feel like the woman she deserved to be.

She remained silent. Thinking. Contemplating a way to keep this moment from slipping from her grasp. She wanted Kaiden. She needed him. Dare she think she felt -.

“I’m not afraid Sif, I need you, and living in his shadow has been so painful. Watching him ignore you, watching him just let you hang on to any hope he’ll change his mind. Let me help you take the pain away.”

Sif slowly raised her eyes towards his. His shirt was fit well and black with an Alliance logo on the front, his neck tanned, his chin strong, his lips full and slightly parted. Nose, perfectly pointed and his eyes, brown, closing gently almost as a sign of defeat.

She closed her eyes and let herself go. His lips touched hers and she ran her hands up his broad shoulders. He tasted like mint, and his beard stubble was rough on her skin.

Kaiden ran his hands up her back, and let one hand get tangled in her hair. He kissed her so intensely she lost all control of herself.

She let out a breathless moan, as he bit her lip gently, then her collar bone.

She pushed him onto the bed, and straddled him. She leaned over and kissed him. He flipped her on her back and rolled on top of her so swiftly, she returned the favor and wrestled him back to being underneath her.

She immediately stopped. “I’m so sorry.” She leaned back and had a wave of embarrassment flood her.

“For what?” He said looking up at her. His shirt half way up his chest.

“It’s been so long since, that. I just lost all control over my brain.” She turned away. “I finally feel safe, and all I want to do is rip your clothes off.”