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Just discovered Boomerang. Caught @delanybee in her happy place (looking at memes)

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This is my life.

If it was socially acceptable at restaurants… I’d eat the half eaten main plates left on others’ tables without hesitation.

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I hope that you get back everything that you give <3

^_____^

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Do you truly believe that you didn't do anything to hurt him an any way?

Edit: I did not know these posted lol

I DON'T KNOW HOW OLD THIS IS OR WHAT THIS IS A RESPONSE TO.

But no, I don't believe that. To protect myself, he would've been hurt. No matter what I did, something wouldve hurt him. But I told him my flaws, I owned up to the mistakes I made, I explained what was not his fault and the changes I was going through, during the relationship I was transparent about the pain he directly and indirectly gave me. I did everything I could to be accountable.

I don't believe there should have been sides taken.

I don't believe I vilified him.

I get that people vent and are vulnerable after a break up. But I made sure I didn't give a completely one sided story. And I had amazing friends who didn't fuel the fire. They validated my feelings, gave me a platform, listened with a grain of salt because there's always another side, and kept me in check so that I didn't become a vengeful or petty person.

That doesn't mean I didn't hurt him. But I wasn't mean. And I rarely find situations to which a person deserves to be mean.

So the answer is no, followed by a long winded answer to maybe explain my previous posts. And no fear in staying anon. I appreciate that you asked to keep me in check. That's what made my friends so important in my recovery.

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WHOA

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I was approved for the advocacy training and to volunteer at Peaceful Paths, provided my schedule works out.

In the handbook, they mention recapping your experiences with your director. They also mention self-care and communicating if you get burnt out.

I want to be able to tell my director, “It is good for me to be here. Among all the pain, there is so much love in the shelter. There are caring people who want to help. The people don’t say “You need to be a strong, independent woman that doesn’t need a man.” 

They don’t push the victims into that mold, making them think that they should already have certain goals, that they’re doing it wrong, that they’re a failure if they haven’t already broken out of the cycle of abuse/control, that they aren’t going to make it into this world if you don’t have this (millennial) mindset.

Rather, they say “You are strong for taking the first step. I see your pain, and you didn’t deserve it even though you thought you could control the situation. We are going to help you get through this.”

I hope I get to this point where I can say all this.

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I want to go home every night, pass out from exhaustion, and be so happy. Happy that I’m doing all this (working, volunteering, counseling) for me. Surrounding myself with knowledgeable people, learning about how to care for others, building my savings so I can move away.

I took a whole semester to just do what I want. I did no volunteering, no work, no extra-curriculars. I was sad to not start these commitments earlier, but I needed that time for myself. And now time is running out, but I’m going at it full throttle and I want to make the most out of Gainesville. Forget the parts of Gainesville that really hurt me and get to know the rest of it.

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I'm tired of talking about the same thing. ------- The bottom line is I want people to finally consider my feelings. As much as he messed me up, so did what my friends said. I mostly got blamed (You broke up with him. You broke his heart.) or advised to ignore the real problem (You'll find someone better. Move on. Forgive him because that is just how he is.) or complete silence. I rarely got "You are doing well even if you don't think so, and I am proud of you. He treated you poorly, and you were still able to get out of a toxic relationship. That is a painful decision, and I recognize your pain." Followed by "I'm here for you." I got it twice. Just twice. From friends who I had to explain to why the former advice was hurtful. ----- I feel at peace when I'm with high school friends and food science friends. But most of the time, I'm alone. And when I'm with AASU people, I feel lonelier than ever. They assume you're happy all the time. They don't understand me. On top of that, they talk about him all the time and I do my best to put on a strong face and not break down. It haunts me and it consistently wears down my emotional health. No, I don't want to go to Atlanta on the KUSA trip. For the third time, this is why. Why is this not common sense? His girlfriend is a KUSA officer. Why would I take that risk to run into him or his friends and make bad memories when I can...not. Same reasons I didn't go to Anomaly workshops or see my favorite dancer at AKM Closing or certain restaurants. The only way I can cope with what he put me through is cutting him out. Makes sense since he did the same to me so I kind of have no other options for recovery. I have made so many changes to improve my well-being and situation, but I literally cannot escape until I leave Gainesville or delete all contacts who are currently involved in AASU.

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Animals make me happy

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Rupert Grint night in Drag - ‘Tom Felton Meets the Superfans’ documentary.

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Fucking hell. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about going to this officer meeting tomorrow and the worst case scenario happening. This coping mechanism I have is bittersweet. Get all the anxiety out now so I'm not anxious tomorrow. Torture but at least I'm coping. I booked counseling for Wednesday, and I'm really looking forward to it. I hope it'll be over soon. Just a final letter, and then just be done with it. Maybe I'll post it on here. Bad idea? Someone guide me.

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I feel lost because I'm not able to work towards something. Even if I was in a toxic relationship, at least I worked towards improving it. Without a career option to work towards, I don't know what I'm living for. And as soon as I finished job apps, I had nothing to distract me. Holidays don't help because that's when you miss the presence of someone. Job will come. APIA apps will come. But most importantly, I'm looking into counseling at the CWC. Even if I have to pay for it. I'll work for it.

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It's confusing. I'm trying my hardest, I'm adapting to what has been thrown at me, I'm actively making changes, I'm surrounding myself with different people, I'm deleting pictures, I'm not letting myself fall to anxiety and depression, I'm wallowing, I'm letting myself do whatever I want, feel whatever I want, I'm learning, I'm owning up to my flaws, I'm not given any slack, I'm criticized even though I didn't put myself in this situation, I'm still doing it wrong.

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Gifts

It's hard to get away. 

My college career was immersed in him. Everywhere I go, it is memories of him. Bus 20 route, Bus 12 route, Steak n Shake, sushi, CASA, etc. Can’t go to AASU because he’s present in it. Can’t work at Chuy’s because I don’t want to be near it. I go through this, but he had his college years before me. He made memories of Gainesville without me, so he can break my heart and wipe his hands clean. He has easily and successfully erased me. I should’ve known this would happen seeing how he treated past interests and other friends, but whatever. It’s not fair that he keeps winning.

My mentee took everything she knew about me and combined it into a mega present. Moments like these make me happy that I could affect her positively. And that all my effort and care was returned to me in a heartfelt note.

Couple days ago, I received Beida’s birthday+graduation present. Adventure Time merch is always a plus. I loved the Know Where gift card because it means she listens when I rave about coffee shops, something she’s not as interested in. I didn’t realize how much I would appreciate the gift card.

What sent me over the top was the bag of stars. There are 26 because 26 stars are supposed to mean happiness. Each one is meant to be unfolded to reveal an inspirational quote to brighten up my day.

They remind me of one of the gifts I gave to my ex. They were bottles of cute-faced pills with slips of paper inside. You write notes, and whenever the receiver feels sad or sick, they are supposed to “take” a pill to feel better.

I gave a bottle of 30 pills and another bottle of 15. I have 2 more bottles of 15 at home, thankfully still blank. I poured over those notes. They were the symbol of my utmost love. They weren’t functional. They weren’t edible. To me, they literally meant “I love you to the largest of my capacity, and I hope you feel better.”

Beida could’ve written down my favorite quotes, her favorite quotes, funny words, quotes that I’ve said, the first ones she googled. It doesn’t matter. To see this care returned from someone I spent a FRACTION of my time with during the past four years, I honestly have no words to describe this feeling. I just keep crying of sadness and gratefulness with a bitter taste in my mouth. 

How I know I regret the relationship. I don't think, "Wow, I wish my ex did this." It's become, "GOD. Why didn't I get the love I deserved?" He was mean to me after the break up. All I ever wanted was for my feelings to be considered. It took a while for my closest friends to even consider my side. I felt so lonely.

Ishanna and Beida don’t know what exactly has been going on, and they haven’t really hounded me. Now that people actually consider my feelings and recognize that I could be sad too, I don't know what to feel.

My thoughts now turn to me. I show love in many ways, but I stopped putting time into gifts. I stopped to save money and time, I lost motivation with many crafts, I focused mostly on gifts for my ex, all totally fine reasons. But it scares me when it takes me so long to figure out what to get for certain people. I think back and I can't retain anything from our conversations. I've become what I resented. And I don't like what I've become.

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I learned from the Humans of New York talk that

1) You need privilege to take risks. What’s the risk when you have nothing to lose? 2) You need to take risks when you’re young and the stakes are low. When you’re older and you’ve been conditioned not to take risks, you won’t be able to 3) I don’t have a passion in life.

It was a good talk, but it didn’t really speak to me because I don’t have a passion to pursue. I knew this after my internship, and I have been okay with being in professional limbo, slowly finding my way out. But after the personal mess, I stopped having the will to live. With that, no motivation to find any passion in life.

I've had fun at festivals and hanging out with friends, but then it feels empty again. And I have no desire to get out of this pit. How I used to be isn't the best way to live, but it was the best way to live for me. I actually think it's much better to not strive for the best, not stress yourself out so much, but it's profoundly different from who I am. There's just something sad about this shift.

I don’t want to eat food I don't want to travel I don't want to teach people I don't want to help people I just want to sleep and recover and be with my friends and amount to nothing. I’m applying to a lot which is ambitious, I guess. I just feel like it’s this lazy desperation to find anything. Anything would be good. ANYTHING. No need for great, just good enough to make me feel like I'm going in some direction. Hopefully away from bad memories in Gainesville, towards a new life with new people who can help me regain faith.

Event planning, reception, and management are nice because it comes naturally to me, it keeps me busy, and I don’t have to feel. I used to want to counsel/advise, and I am okay when talking with friends, but I don’t know about a career. I feel so skeptical, dysfunctional, heartbroken now. Even filling out those restaurant assessments reminds me of all this. “I like being around people all the time.” “I rarely have bad days.” Yeah, used to. Working with people makes me happy, but recently they zap the energy out of me.

It's so much energy to be happy, to smile, to talk to others. I can do it, but I don’t want to. I used to be so happy and it took one person to make me so fragile and pessimistic. And I can’t go back.

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Never cry for the same reason twice.

Stephen Richards - quotes-shape-us (via heart)

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(via Saturday Morning Cartoons: Baopu #15) by Yao Xiao

words to remember