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skeminimiho · 4 years ago

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kiss it off me.

↬ Lee Taeyong x Reader ↬3.3k Words ↬ Genre: Angst (PURE SADNESS I AM SORRY) ↬Warnings: Mentions of cheating, sex, emotional manipulation (kind of), toxic relationships, heartbreak :( ↬ You're heartbroken and Taeyong is just there. ↬ Loosely inspired by "Kiss It Off Me" by Cigarettes After Sex

All Taeyong wants is to love you yet you keep pushing him away; finding new ways to unintentionally break his heart all because yours hasn’t healed yet.

You already knew how this would play out before it even started. He’d call you late at night, you’d go over to his place, fuck, leave, repeat. An endless cycle that’s been occurring the past 4 months. You knew how much this was hurting him, it was as clear as day in his eyes whenever you looked his way- his deep brown orbs constantly fixated on every move and expression you made.

He was absolutely in love with you and you didn’t even bat an eye. You sucked all the love out of that boy and it didn’t even faze you that you were destroying his perception of love. You told him you didn’t want a boyfriend, and he didn't seem to care, a win-win situation in your book.

Wrong.

Although he knew you weren’t ready for a relationship, part of him wanted to pick up the broken pieces and put you back together. Not for his sake, but your own- your last relationship absolutely wrecking you, distorting every perception you’ve ever had of love.

What’s even shittier is that you knew he had a crush on you before you even approached him with the idea of “having some fun”. And he probably had an idea that you were using him as a distraction, a person to seek physical pleasure from to mask the heart break you’ve been silently dealing with ever since Johnny cheated on you- stupid of you to think you’d end up marrying the guy you met in your intro to psychology class your first year of uni. You couldn’t blame him though-your relationship was falling apart and Jennie Kim was there at the right place and right time.

She was really pretty. And had the warmest smile. Off to be a biochemical engineer or something once graduation hit, far smarter and greater than what you ever imagined you’d be.

Maybe that’s why he fell out of love with you. Maybe you aren't as hot, or caring, or insanely smart and at the top of your class the past three years at your university like Jennie. You're just an average student with average goals, and maybe he didn’t want that. Maybe he wanted more.

All you wished for was a respectful breakup, not a video of him kissing Jennie’s cheek at some party they went to- the one party you decided to ditch because your friend needed help with their own relationship problems.

Ironic, really. You were caring for someone who’s heart was breaking due to their partners careless actions, yet while all that was going down your boyfriend was doing the exact same thing, breaking your heart and your three year relationship in a matter of seconds.

You were beyond hurt but you couldn’t be mad. The way they looked and held each other clearly showed they had a strong connection, something missing within your relationship for such a long time. You weren’t even mad at her. She simply didn’t even know you and Johnny were a thing due to the fact that she was a transfer student from the next city over.

It just sucked how he didn’t even have the decency to let you know he didn’t want to be with you. Why he didn’t want to be with you.

It’s been months now since you and Johnny broke up, yet you’re still healing from the pain. You’re passing such hurt onto Taeyong and you can’t help yourself to put an end to it. Because with every kiss from his soft lips, you’re filled with the validation that you are worthy of someone’s time and appreciation- even if it’s just sex. You’re being noticed and praised and that’s something you haven’t felt in so long because those sweet long kisses you used to get from Johnny turned into long periods of silence instead.

You were far too familiar with Taeyong’s pleas each night you went over, him wanting you to stay and spend the night with him. He wanted deep conversations and warm hugs, you wanted quick fucks and a shoulder to cry on- you weren’t expecting a person to care this deeply for you- you didn’t think you were deserving of someone so caring and gentle. Someone who wanted you so much they’d calculate the distance of the entire universe if it meant he could spend another moment with you.

You thought he’d figure it out by now, the amount of endless times you cried silently as he cuddled into your side was more than you could imagine. But even through all the pain and confusion you were going through, he is always there to wipe your tears and provide you with silenced comfort, knowing that only talking about your issues would make you break down even more.

You always tell him he deserves someone better than you. Someone who values his patience, who reciprocates the compassion and utmost attention he has for you. And it’s not as if you can’t see yourself falling in love with him, you know you can. Part of you is certain that you’re in love with him, but you’re too much of a coward to admit it. Too scared to let someone in and give you all the love you thought had been ripped out and you’d never get back.

You hate how Johnny left you vulnerable and hurting, unable to fully recover from the trust and love he so blindly took from you.

You’ve dreamt of having someone as soft and loving in your life the second Johnny left, and now that you have it, you’re terrified that it’s going to slip through your fingers and crumble the way your first love did.

And despite knowing Johnny isn’t to blame for the way you’re acting, part of you is using it as an excuse to do the exact same thing to Taeyong- even if you don’t mean it.

And that’s why you need to end things with him.

“Please kiss me.” You begged, desperately needing his lips on yours.

He didn’t even have to think twice before wrapping his arms around your torso, pulling your body into his before gently placing his slightly chapped lips onto yours.

You were obsessed with him- the way he stares at you like you're the only person in the universe, holding onto you with so much grip but such delicateness at once, fearing that if he lets you go you will not come back.

You asked to come over this time, not him. Your heart was yearning to see him but every step you made closer and closer to his apartment you were filled with anxiety and regret.

You knew tonight was going to be the last time you slept with him. Kissed him. Held him.

But you continued to sweep such thoughts to the back of your mind as you trekked to his place because you didn’t want them to ruin the one last night you had of pure bliss. You can pretend everything is okay, and tomorrow you can continue to cry about how fucked up your love life is and why you’re such a monster to Taeyong’s feelings.

“Please don’t leave tonight.” He whispers, hardly coherent as your breathing became louder than expected.

You always hated when he asked you to stay. Staying meant you had intimate plans for a future with him. Staying meant commitment, and you’re not entirely sure if you’re ready for that. Your mind keeps reminding you that you’re not deserving of that.

“Why do you want me around so much?”

“Why else?”

You knew what he meant by that and you absolutely hated it. Part of you wanted to embrace the underlying message disguised by those two words, wanting to give in to his soft eyes and warm embrace.

You want to love Taeyong, love him as much as he loves you. You want to be his and him to be yours. You want that white picket fence and to wake up to that precious smile every morning. Feel his soft arms wrapped around your torso as he waits for you to wake up in the morning before you two start your day together.

But every time you put too much thought into pursuing his wishes, something inside you will pull you away, telling you to run away from this sweet, sweet man before you break his heart and leave him in a space where he feels as empty and confused as you do.

You’re throwing a perfect guy away, just because you feel unworthy of the attention and undeniable love he has for you.

It makes you sick to your stomach.

You know you’re not this cynical, heartbreaking bitch who only uses others to mask the pain you’re going through. But no matter how many times you try to remind yourself of it, you continue on the cycle of leading Tae on even more- slowly taking a piece of his heart and trust away with him whenever you leave him for the night after whispering sweet nothings and empty promises into his ear.

“I can’t do this anymore Taeyong.” You say, pushing his body off of yours, pulling yourself up his bed and sitting cross legged, grabbing the nearest pillow to place in front of your torso- the slightest bit of comfort to ease the abundance of anxiety you were filled with.

“Do what? I just asked you to stay the night?” He says concerned. He knows how unorganized your thoughts can be, one minute you could be crying your eyes out and the next you’d be buried into his chest leaving soft purple blobs on his neck. You were unpredictable, but you had your reasons.

He was accepting of all of you, so patient and kind. It makes you so mad that you don’t value him enough for it.

It’s not as if this is the first time he’s asked you to say. Most nights you’d lie and say you have early classes or plans with friends, easy excuses that would get you out of any form of intimacy.

Others however, you’d give in to his warm whispers, falling asleep with his body pressed against yours, him whispering the sweetest of compliments in your half asleep state.

You’d leave before he’d wake up though, always leaving a text saying you had something to do that day. Even if you didn’t, he bought up whatever white lies you told him.

Scoffing, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him.You’ve come to the conclusion that you want such beautiful romance with him and endless nights of laughing and kissing and touching. But it isn’t fair to him if you jump right into it all, not before you’ve made peace with the fact that your heart and mind are distraught and you still need time- however long it be.

“Yeah, that’s the problem Tae.”

You can feel the tightness in your chest, your bodying being overcome with such intense anxiety, one hundred percent certain that you’re going to start crying due to the spiel you’ve been reciting in your head on the way to his place and are about to say shortly.

“I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

“Because I don’t deserve you!” You yell, cutting him off as the tears start to stream down your face, finally admitting to yourself and Taeyong your true feelings. You hate how open you’re being, often shutting yourself off from others ever since you got your trust ripped out of you.

“What? Why would you say that?” He pleads, grabbing the pillow away from your body and reaching for your hands, pulling your body closer to his and lifting you into his lap. He was cradling you now, his arms wrapped around your waist gently rubbing your back, his cologne filling your nostrils, the taste of your tears and the scent of his light, ocean scented cologne only fuelling your anxiety.

You’ve never shown such vulnerability to Taeyong. Always trying to keep your “relationship” as static as possible, not wanting too much of what you are feeling to get in the way of the magic going on between you two. He’s seen you cry plenty of times, but that was freshly out of your relationship, many moons ago.

“It’s just hard. Johnny broke my heart and you were there.” Looking up to him, starting to see the hurt form in his eyes, beginning to understand that he truly was and is just a hookup, nothing more than what he hoped. “And you’re still here. And I’m still broken. And none of this is fair to you.”

Rubbing your hands over your face, you’re waiting for him to throw you out of his embrace and tell you to leave. To yell and cry and call you a bitch for toying with his emotions and using him to fill the empty void that was eating you alive. To hurt you so much just so you can feel the same emotions he's feeling, because your break up with Johnny crushed you more than you let on.

“And it’s not because I still love Johnny. I don’t. I’m guessing I’m still processing all that’s happened to me and I guess because I don’t know why he cheated, my default is to think there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I’m not deserving of anything good that ever comes into my life lately.”

You stare into his eyes because you know how much he wants you. You can feel the love he has for you from across the globe and you so badly want to give it all back to him because he is the sweetest soul the world has to offer; yet you feel like you’re sucking all the life out of him all because you won’t allow yourself to heal from your pain and enjoy a life with someone who wants you so much.

His face is pale, his eyes sullen. You can tell he’s close to crying because the tip of his nose is red. That's his tell tale when he gets emotional - his cheeks grow hollow, his entire face flushing a bright pink.

The joyful, ever smiling Taeyong is no longer in your presence, but rather replaced with a ghost who’s mourning the loss of his living, happy life.

“Can you kiss me?” He asks softly, tightening his grip on your hold.

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re deserving of everything this world has to offer and I’m going to show you.”

You don’t understand what he’s saying, but what you do understand is that he’s hurting deeply. Just the way he’s staring at you shows deep disappointment, the yearning for someone you’ve worked up the courage to be so vulnerable and intimate with.

And you took that all away from him.

Eyes glossed over, he stares deeply into yours. “If you’re going to leave me heartbroken and alone, the least you could do is kiss me one last time so I can remember what it feels like to be with you.”

You throw yourself into his body, cupping his face ever so gently before crashing your lips onto his. You hate what you’re doing to him. You hate how you’re taking away a huge piece of his heart all because you’re too scared to give him yours.

You know he won’t ever hurt you, he’s too good of a person to ever cause anyone such deep emotional pain.

“I’m sorry.” You choke out, the tears starting to form again in your eyes in between the kisses he was peppering all over your face, clearly evident that he was very fond of you. “I don’t mean to hurt you,”

“It’s okay.” He says shakily, pulling your waist in closer to his body, holding onto you tighter than he ever has before.

It’s not okay and you both know that.

He slowly lifts up your shirt, guiding you back to his bed frame so you could both lie down comfortably, returning his sweet kisses back on your tear filled face, making you feel warm and illuminated.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” You cry again, relating the words you just said to him, gently rubbing the nape of his neck as he stares so deeply into your eyes.

“I know.”

“It’s just. Fuck.” You begin to say, throwing your head back into the pillow, taking a deep breath in. “I want to love you like you love me, because I truly do love you. I just don’t deserve someone as patient and caring as you’ve been to me.”

“Baby, that’s not true.”

“See, but it is Tae.” You say, staring into his hurt eyes, the angle in which he’s situated above you makes this moment even more intense and vulnerable. His eyes have always been the slightest bit broken when he was with you, always yearning for more because he wants you so badly.

“I’m not asking you to love me, I just like being with you.” He pleas, sensing the words about to leave your lips.

“But I know you’re in love with me, Taeyong. I can’t keep spending all these nights in your bed kissing you like you’re my boyfriend when you’re not. I want to, believe me I do. I just can’t be with someone and hurt them the way I’ve been hurt without knowing I’m fully ready.”

“Okay.” He whispers, bringing his head down to the crook of your neck, nuzzling into it as you both continue to let the hot tears escape your eyes.

“I know you’ll want your space, but I don’t want to lose you.”

“I love being with you, for more than just sex.” You sigh, your heart breaking more and more as you’re trying to break yourself away from him, needing to give him the time to heal as well. “I can’t keep you waiting forever. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“And I’m not asking that. Whatever happens, even if we’re just mere acquaintances, I know I want you in my life.”

“Please kiss me.” You say shakily, closing your eyes before Taeyong brings his face closer to yours, trying your hardest to stop the tears from falling down your face.

The both of you begin to embrace one another’s bodies like usual, this time intimacy more present in the air than just the need for an orgasm.

You cling onto Taeyong’s body, not wanting to let him go as he continues to kiss and linger and thrust deeply into your body- feelings you’re all too familiar with and certainly will miss.

He takes his time leaving love bites down your neck, finding new areas to kiss so that weeks from now you can remember how much this man made the butterflies in your stomach flutter. Marking you everywhere as a reminder of every touch and moment you’ve spent together, the memory of him being so delicate and devoted engrained in your brain.

You both know that this needs to end, but you’re clinging onto it for dear life- knowing that you want to be together but can’t.

You’ve been breaking Taeyong's heart this entire time whereas he’s been thinking he’s been growing more and more in love. It’s only now that he’s realizing such pain you've caused, but he is still holding onto you as if it were the first night you both met.

Neither of you know if you’ll ever be together, let alone if you’ll ever speak to one another after this moment ends.

But all you can be thankful for is that you truly got to experience unconditional love for the first time, even if it ended in heartbreak, and that’s nothing he can kiss off of you.

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