skylerwalker-blog

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Secret gaygent

When you feel like a secret agent for not being out yet and got involved in straight people’s conversations about gay people because they are assuming you’re one of them. haha

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High gaydar teacher?

That moment when the class are discussing about sexuality and shit in health class and the moment the teacher mentioned the word ‘homosexuals’, she looked directly at you even though you’re not out yet and you were like ‘whoa, do I look that gay or her gaydar is just extremely high?”

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i don’t want to die lonely

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i want to die

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i feel shitty

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Self-Conscious Feeling

So today, I had quite an awful day. I mean, I went to school. And first period, I have presentation to present (as I’d mentioned on previous post). I planned and prepared it so much, but still, obviously, when moments come, all my preparations went to waste. *sigh*

And then, I had math. I suck at math. I am terrible at math. I hate math. In fact, I even think that I am lowkey dyscalculia (dyslexia for math/numbers, terrible but simplest definition). I sat there, in that classroom, staying as quiet as I could as I was begging for the teacher to walk up to me. But still, I sat there, couldn’t figure out how to do any exercises and I couldn’t even ask the teacher as I have social anxiety. And again, I felt very self-conscious about how others will see me. I must look very dumb and stupid.

Next period, I did nothing much since we got a substitute. However, I felt very self-conscious, worse than ever before. Basically, I accidently sat in this seat that was very close to these kids (I guess they are the popular kids and also, I would’ve sit  somewhere else if not because I walked into class first and had no idea that they were going to sit there). Anyway, they were talking about something and giggling and laughing as well. I tried to steal glances and at the end of the corners of my eyes, I think I saw them pointing at me, just minding my own business. I doubt that they were talking or laughing or pointing at me but like, because of this disorder, I just can’t help this self-consciousness. Anyway, I am pretty sure that most of the people who have the same mental disorder as me would understand that feeling, you know, whenever someone laugh, you always feel like they are laughing at you.

The last period of school went quickly as we were just reading a book. But like, I am feeling conflicted about that class. On one hand, I feel like that class would be much easier as in for me to get and understand stuff (cuz there are very few students). However, on the other hand, most of the students are students who had lived in a non-English-speaking country. And I find it frustrating when they couldn’t get stuff and we have to slower things that. (I know it’s not their fault, I don’t hate them or whatever, I just it frustrating when we have to slower the lesson). And plus, I would also be categorised as the slower-learning, require-more-helps, weaker student which I hate, as much as I am socially anxious, I don’t want to be seen by others as desperate and weak. With this mental disorder, I can’t help but have to care about what others think of me and I hate it. (And I don’t think anyone’s categorise anyone, it’s probably just my self-consciousness). 

*sigh*

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I hate the male toilet, like, just because you can pee while standing, doesn't mean you have the right to make the toilet so disgusting!

Mehhh

disgusting

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Day of Dread

My, oh, my. What did I do today?

Well, nothing, really. Yes, again! Like today, I am supposed to go this other campus of our school. And it is my first time there ever, and of course, I didn’t know anyone. And with my social anxiety, it didn’t really help much. 

Anyway, I went to the campus because I am selected to participate in this program. We sat in circle and it was not so bad, we talked. I was quite happy since it wasn’t really like an ordinary classroom. 

I got to go outside of that room because everyone was supposed to. I dreaded it. Basically, I just stood there, alone, looking very isolated and outcasted. And, the whole time, I felt very self-conscious about how will people look and think of me. I always dread the look of pity on people when they look at me (I doubt that anyone care about me at all but i don’t know, i guess social anxiety)

And today’s valentine’s day! Hope you had a great valentine to those who are not single. I am practically single my whole life (again, cuz of social anxiety).

Oh, right, tomorrow, I got a presentation school assignment to present. And it is about mental health (my topic, obviously, social anxiety disorder). I didn’t think much but now, I am beginning realise how awkward it would be. Anyway, I dread presentation. Ugh

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Nonbinary friends: you don’t have to pick a gender, or a gender role.

You don’t have to pick the same gender role in every aspect of your life.

You don’t have to avoid gendered language altogether for fear of being pegged as one binary gender or the other.

It’s ok if you want to be a wife and a dad, or a mom and a datefriend, or a boyfriend and a princess. It’s ok if certain gender roles feel more comfortable than others, it’s ok if some gender roles associate with your assigned gender feel more ok than others, or to only identify with certain genders in specific social contexts, and different genders in others.

A lot of the ways in which we construct gender are around social gender roles, and it doesn’t invalidate you as a nonbinary person to feel comfortable in multiple different roles. You can mix and match. Gender is a mess for everyone and you’re allowed to call yourself whatever feels most genuine and comfortable to you.

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REBLOG IF YOU'RE LGBTQ+ AND SUPPORT MUSLIMS

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Reblog if you don't identify as strictly male or female

Please, I’m trying to prove something to my stepfather who says you can only feel either male or female and that such things as genderfluidity and non-binary genders don’t exist.

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First Impression

Hello, blog. This is my first ever blog and I hope I will make a good first impression. Bear with me!

Hmmm, I guess there’s really not much that I could be talking about. I mean, I did nothing today since I literally woke up at two in the afternoon. But then, there’s this party that is supposed to be a birthday party for my niece, it’s not any big or cool party because like, most of them are my relatives, either old people that keep smiling at you for no reason or little kids who are beyond annoying! I did nothing at that party, I precisely sat at that one chair, a plate of foods in hand, staring at no one, talking to no one, practically doing nothing but put foods in my mouth and chew. Plus, I constantly get asked by people, “Why won’t you socialise?”, “Why are you so quiet?”, “Say something.” etc..

*sigh* Wow, this is a terrible first impression. I sound really like a very depressing, boring person, I guess I am but like I said, bear with me! *sadface*

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