sleepybud

[sleepybud]

the sun

i did my own tarot reading just now, for the first time.

it was intense. maybe i’m just projecting? but all of those cards individually, and then together was almost overwhelming in how scared and vulnerable i felt. 

i did this spread. 

and i got this tarot card set, if any watching at home wants to follow along.

Card 1: the sun

Card 2: death

Card 3: VIII of Pentacles

Card 4: the heirophant

Card 5: ace of wands

i want to interpret it as work related but obviously i can’t help but feel that nagging in the back of my head. why was the death card in the know position. 

what do i need to know is ending? why do i fear that it’s indicating my relationship? 

the rest of the cards feel as though they have a strong, direct meaning. whereas the death card taunts me. i hope i’m just overthinking this. 

anyway, i just wanted to record my readings. check back at some point later and see if they’ve proved accurate in the least. i’ll also be posting any other people’s i do’s. just to keep an overview of it all. 

[sleepybud]

i don’t know.

i don’t believe in god. i believe in my dad. i believe in my ancestors and my grandmothers and everyone who lived and died before me that had to live and die for me to be born. i believe i was brought here for a reason. i think i was brought here to enjoy myself. to live and experience things and be happy and laugh and bring joy to myself and others. thats all i ever try to do. i’m an artist with an artist job and artist stereotypes. all i’ve ever wanted to do is bring joy and beauty and happiness to the world. 

it wasn’t until my sister brought it up to my mom.. who brought it up to me... i’ve been sick or broken my whole life. i was born placenta previa. i had a possible meningitis scare and was subsequently hospitalized when i was a toddler. i had horrible leg pains all throughout grade school. my mom would lather me up with bengay and wrap me up with ace bandages as tight as possible because the pressure was the only thing that helped. when i developed my period, along came the debilitating cramps. i’d miss days from school and throw up bile from the pain. i started birth control when i was 14. shortly after graduating high school, i developed migraines that would wake me in the middle of the night and disorient me for days. they lasted for 2 years, and only come back now when i take tolerance breaks. 

i’ve broken some bones and sprained some things but those have been my fault. those injuries have been traumatic but at the end of it, i can have an interesting story. i twisted my ankle when i was like 17 because i went to one of those indoor trampoline places for my best friend’s birthday. we weren’t even there 5 minutes before i fucked myself up for the first day of winter break. i then broke the opposite leg, still with that best friend, only this time we were at an indoor rock climbing gym. i was up about 9 ft and lost my footing. i just have weak ankles because i landed correctly as far as falling goes, but the impact was too strong for my lil bones. my doctor had already told me i should have been taking more calcium. i still should be taking more calcium. 

and then... unexpectedly when i was 21, i developed my first pilonidal cyst. it’s a giant pimple at the very end of your tailbone, right in between (at least my) butt cheeks. it’s ugly it smells bad it’s painful it’s embarrassing and i can’t sit up straight in a chair or lay on my back when it’s first sprouting all the way up until it’s been fully drained. i’ve had surgery for it, and i’ll be having surgery again in mid January. this has been one of the most frustrating, draining (lol), disgusting thing i’ve ever had to deal with. i try to make light of it. i try to lose as little work as possible, but ultimately i end up missing work more when i do that. 

i had a therapy appointment today and she confirmed my suspicions that i do have borderline personality disorder. my lack of interpersonal relationship skills, my overwhelming emotions, my need to be needed or at least wanted so badly i’d stay in bad relationships or allow myself to be treated unfairly. i’d already decided years ago though i’d rather isolate myself than be around anyone who doesn’t treat me the way i deserve. i had so much anger and pain and sadness and helplessness but i’ve begun to work through that and now all that’s left is love. 

i want so desperately to have a genuine friendship and connection but i’m still scared. i just want someone who is fine sitting and doing nothing with me, but is also going to be there for me when i go through genuine hardships. i want more than just a surface friendship. i have a sister, but our relationship is strained. all i want is a sisterhood.