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September 24 (Tuesday) - 2024

I went to the cinema today! Which is quite rare for me. However, I was invited by the day activity center group I am attending, and I decided to accept the invitation. It was quite an exclusive showing of this movie, the actual release date is October 11th.

It was a documentary-style movie, called "Det kunde varit vi" meaning "It could have been us". And it was mostly a movie about race theory and how it affected people with disabilities, how they were hidden away in institutions and how they were treated there. We follow two disabled women who learn about this history together with the movie's director himself.

It was a brilliant movie, and an important movie. I want everyone to watch it, no matter where you live, watch a subbed version if you don't understand Swedish.

The two disabled women and the movie director were at the cinema today and gave a little speech, and I got a picture together with the two women, Ida and Emma :)

I may not be severely disabled, and you might not even notice it if we just briefly met. So I don't really want to like, aah... adopt their history as mine. But even then, my disabilities aka "weirdness" growing up were noticeable enough to my peers to end up excluded and alone, a fate that seem to befall the majority of us. But still, I feel like I've gained valuable insights living this life that is still very much related to the life of a disabled person.

Anyway!! This was another movie by "Glada Hudikteatern", a theatre founded not far away from where I live. And man, they're something to be proud of. They have made some brilliant movies that highlight the humanity in all of us and how we should treat each other.

"Hur många lingon finns det i världen?" is another really great one, watch a subbed version if you ever get the chance. The English title is "The importance of tying your own shoes".

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September 14 (Saturday) - 2024

Today was Ponyta Community Day in Pokémon GO! Which I thought was very fitting since my town also had a Pride parade. I passed by them while I was catching sparkling ponies. I actually love Galarian Ponyta so much, it's so dang cute.

I wanted to get a picture of a Galarian Ponyta beside a pride flag, but I was too shy to get close. So here's a picture of one in my living room.

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September 11 (Wednesday) - 2024

Today was my first day of going to a day activity center. Which for those who don't know, is a place for intellectually disabled people that can't keep a job. Liiiike me, I guess.

I have actually already gone to this same day activity center in the past and it didn't work out, but now I'm back to what feels like square one again for one main reason and that is to get more support as to why I should have sickness benefits for the Social Insurance Agency. Because testing two regular jobs that didn't work out, and plenty of medical certificates, wasn't substantial enough and they really had to nitpick as to why they didn't grant me sickness benefits. Even an employee at the Insurance Agency thought that was bullshit, I guess it's the higher-ups who make the decisions.

Sigh. Also, I'm doing my best to translate what these facilities and agencies and stuff are called in English. It's tricky.

A rehab coordinator at the hospital is helping me through all this and she thought it felt wrong to force me out into another workplace too, so the next best thing was to go back to the day activity center.

I might talk more about it in another post because I don't want this to get too long, but I'm gonna try to make the best of it. They have changed some things since the last time I was there, like they're in a new building and it felt a lot nicer just existing there now.

I hope this can help me traditionally sketch more again.

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August 13 (Tuesday) - 2024

My aunt and cousin visited my parents today so I went there to see them too, the last time I saw them was at my grandma's funeral in 2020 and we had to keep a distance from each other then because of the pandemic.

I sure wish I knew how to bond with an 18-year-old whose whole personality is cars... I wish I had a closer relationship with all my cousins on my mother's side. But we live so far away from each other and we never see each other anymore, and after so long it feels like I don't know them any longer.

Visiting them as kids are some of my favorite childhood memories though. My two aunts and grandma lived very close to one another so my cousins, brother and me used to run between all the apartment buildings to play different video games and play Pokémon, and we visited playgrounds and went to the beach.

The passing of time is so fucked up. You carry all these happy memories, but you'll never ever be able to return to them. That time is gone forever.

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July 14 (Sunday) - 2024

I gotta learn to make more smaller, but frequent update posts on this blog. Because when I haven't posted an update for a while it feels a lot more daunting to do so because I feel like I gotta recap everything I've done since the last post. Even though I won't, I don't have that great of a memory.

But tbf, not a lot of interesting stuff has happened in my life since last time. I've been gaming as usual, Monster Hunter Stories, Little Kitty Big City, and Moonstone Island. And I just started Loddlenaut, I like trying out indie games. Yesterday I walked 15 km because it was Pokémon GO Fest Global.

I've been drawing some this month as well, because it's Art Fight. Which is an annual drawing game, which is held each July. I've finished two pieces, and I'm aiming for four.

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May 4 (Saturday) - 2024

Wow, it has been a while since my last update. What have I been doing for the last couple of months? Gaming, of course.

I've been playing Monster Hunter Rise, my first main series MH game. I've learned that when you're getting into a new series, you should enjoy the newbie phase for as long as you can, because you're never getting that phase back ever again.

I've also been trying to build up my drawing habit as well, and I have been trying to at least sketch something each week, but I still don't feel like my head is fully in it yet. It's so hard to sit down and find the peace to draw for several hours, my attention gets drawn elsewhere.

I feel like this is an autism thing for me, difficulty changing tasks or focusing on a new task unless the old one is finished first. And right now, my mind is set on finishing several games. Which is not good, because the list of games I want to play just keeps growing.

Thinking about it, I was the same with drawing too. I rarely gamed because my mind was so set on my art and projects. This type of tunnel focus is a double-edged sword though - Sure, I get things done, but it's so intense it led to my creative burnout, and it's so hard to shift focus even when I WANT to.

Anyway! It's been really nice weather for the last few days. I've been visiting my parents and I've been working in their garden, I've removed a ton of weeds from their pallet collars so we can sow again.

Today was really nice, my brother came over too and we all hung out in the garden. And we had dinner, we grilled for the first time this year.

I've felt kind of sad when thinking about old memories recently, happy childhood memories, and realizing those happy times will never ever come back. Like when we visited my cousins and we played Pokémon at a now demolished playground, times when my parents were young and healthy and we had fun at zoos and amusement parks.

That realization can be productive though. You can't get lost in nostalgia, you gotta see the present or you'll waste it. Otherwise, you'll look back and realize how stupid you were not to cherish it and you'll get stuck in an endless cycle of wanting to return to the past.

Today made me think of that, days like today won't last forever.

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March 4 (Monday) - 2024

I was quite scared to "give in" to my art burnout, I only did it once it became entirely impossible to deny and push aside any longer. My thoughts once it became undeniable were like "Alright universe, I'm gonna trust you".

And it was the right path to take. I'm much healthier now, both mentally and physically. My focus shifted from art to other things. I learned a ton about food and nutrition and accidentally cured my depression in the process. Wild. I'm a lot more health-focused now.

I've also got to experience a ton of amazing games. Which is other people's art, and people who say that's a waste of time have withering, dying, and joyless souls.

However, even if it was the right path. This art burnout has killed my drawing habit.

Before I would open my art program and turn on my Cintiq no matter what, even if I had nothing to draw. But I always managed to sketch something, somehow? How did I do that??

I need to build up that drawing muscle again. I'm scared that I'll struggle just as much as I did before I gave in to my burnout though.

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February 26 (Monday) - 2024

I'm in a great mood today! I always feel really good this time of year because spring is approaching, days get longer and it's starting to get warmer and the snow is melting. Last weekend I took a walk and played Pokémon GO's Sinnoh Tour event.

I've also accomplished most of my silly little Pokémon goals that I've been working on for the past two months, and I'm excited to move on to new things.

Tomorrow is National Pokémon Day and Guild Wars 2 will get a big update, which will be fun. There are a lot of fun things to look forward to, and I just feel very content.

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February 2 (Friday) - 2024

My daily routine has been very similar for quite some time now. I wake up (probably because of my cat Mocka), I give her food, I make some hot chocolate, which is actually just almond milk, cacao powder and stevia. Then I do some chores, I do my gaming dailies and I play some with Mocka before I start working on my long-term goals.

And recently my long-term goal has been to get everything done that I want to get done in the old Pokémon games before the connection between the 3DS and Switch gets severed. Nintendo/Game Freak hasn't announced an official date for it, as of right now, they have only vaguely hinted that it might happen one day.

Which means I've been playing a lot of retro Pokémon since late December 2023. I played through Virtual Console Crystal and successfully hunted for a shiny Celebi. I've made sure that I've caught and purified all shadow Pokémon in Pokémon Colossuem and XD Gale of Darkness, and I also want to get the Mt Battle ribbons on my favorites, because I doubt we'll ever get access to these games ever again. I've also played through Ultra Moon again with the goal to shiny hunt the legendaries I still don't have in my collection.

This has become a whooole project... I don't know how long this is going to take but I really want to be done with it asap.

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January 18 (Thursday) - 2024

My stress and anxiety levels have been a bit better since last time, I feel like I have more control of my situation now. I had a meeting with a person who works at the hospital today and we talked about what we should do next. She's really nice and she seems to really understand my situation, I appreciate her a lot.

I should be able to extend the benefits I'm on now, which is a huge weight off my chest. It's not a lot of money, but way better than nothing.

So the next step is to see if we can get some more information sent in to the insurance agency and ask them to re-examine their decision. If they still say no after that, I gotta do more work trials, which is a thought that stresses me out.

We'll see, I'm so happy I have help in this process.

I also went to the dentist yesterday and I got a lot of praise, she told me it's fun to work with a patient who listens to their advice. I went there about a month ago and they mentioned I need to get a lot better at flossing because my dental bone had retracted a tiny bit. I barely ever flossed before, but I sure as heck don't want to lose my teeth.

I swear, the moment you turn 30 the body is like "aight, time to decompose".

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January 1 (Monday) - 2024

It's a new year! I'm going into 2024 with a lot of worry and anxiety though, because of money problems. On November 27th, 2023 I mentioned that the insurance agency didn't want to give me sickness benefits, but I could still send in an appeal.

So I did, but they ignored everything I said. They really looked at my entire A4 ark of text and said "There's no new information here" and proceeded to make a final decision. This is the news I got right before Christmas.

I need sickness benefits because of my disability because I can't keep a job, but they told me that I need to do stuff that I can't do because of my disability to prove that I need sickness benefits............. Read that again, put yourself in my shoes, and let that sink in.

I could make them look at my errand again, but what's the point? Even if I did what they wanted, they would just keep moving the goalpost.

And I got no information on what to do next, they just made a life-shattering decision and ignored what happened next. I had to ask them myself, and I got a phone number and the name of someone in another department. I'm forced to call her tomorrow to ask how to proceed next.

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December 24 (Sunday) - 2023

I have not updated this blog a lot during this month, mostly because of worry and anxiety and there are things I could talk about connected to that but I don't want to, because it's Christmas!

Swedes celebrate Christmas on the 24th, and I always celebrate it with my parents and brother. The usual tradition for us is to watch an hour of old Disney clips (it's a Swedish thing, look it up), then we eat Christmas dinner, then we open presents, and then we might have some dessert and then we watch TV for the rest of the evening. We happened to watch The Lord of the Rings today, the first movie.

This is what I got this Christmas :)

And when I got home I gave Mocka her Christmas dinner, some Alaskan Pollock. She is full of fish now and has kisses all over her head.

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December 2 (Saturday) - 2023

I haven't been in the mood to post updates to this blog recently because of previously mentioned stress and anxiety. But it was Mocka's birthday yesterday and I took out the Christmas tree today!

Recently I've reflected on just how much anxiety rules my life, or rather how fast my brain energy runs out in general, and added stress and anxiety that naturally comes with my ASD obviously don't help with that.

It's so hard to put that experience into words and I'm too tired to try, but I feel like I miss out on a lot because of it.

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November 27 (Monday) - 2023

I've been in a perpetual state of anxiety recently. After I had posted my previous update, I called back to the insurance agency (Försäkringskassan, in Swedish. Not sure exactly how to translate it) and I got bad news.

So I'm disabled, I've been diagnosed by professionals. For the past couple of years, I've been enrolled in the employment agency (Arbetsförmedlingen) to test my work capacity, just for them to come to the conclusion that I'm not capable of it.

The insurance agency got information from healthcare professionals I've talked to and the employment agency's judgment about my work capacity, but that's still not enough to get benefits apparently.

I'm feeling hopeless. If nothing changes, I won't have any income after January. I'm fearing I'll end up homeless one day, all my lifelines will run out eventually.

I can still write an appeal to the insurance agency and that's what I did the moment I got their letter. I've not looked at their letter and what I wrote in my appeal for a few days, I want to go back and reread everything with fresh eyes, and try to think of potential loopholes they might spot and exploit.

I have until December 12 to send it in.

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November 22 (Wednesday) - 2023

I find it very difficult to identify exactly what makes my sleep schedule go to shit this time of year, but I think it's anxiety that is a big reason for it.

I don't want to take walks because it's too cold and dark outside, but that gives me more general anxiety. The anxiety makes me not want to go to bed because I'm afraid of what the next day will bring, so I don't want the current day to end, and I prolong it by staying up.

Another anxiety-inducing thing that has been hovering over me constantly since October is the decision from the Insurance Agency, it's dreadful. And I saw that I had a missed call from them today, which I missed because of my shit sleep schedule. And the anxiety from that will just make things worse, it's a vicious cycle. UGH, I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Do I call back? I don't know. I can't ask my dad because he will just fearmonger about them taking my money away because I'm too autistic to answer the damn phone. It's like they designed this system to make it as difficult as possible for me. I can't even text message them, they can message me, but I can't message back. Why? Because fuck me I guess, allowing me to write a short little message is too big of an accommodation I guess!!

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November 13 (Monday) - 2023

Mondays are my "get shit done" days. Weekly tasks reset in the games I play and I always try to get all of that done on Monday, and it puts me in a very productive state of mind so I also end up doing all the chores that need to be done that I might have neglected throughout the previous week. Like, I cooked another mountain of food today and now I have leftovers for a couple of days.

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November 11 (Saturday) - 2023

Not much happened this week. Guild Wars 2 dropped a big update, so I've been playing that and I've also worked on this mermaid piece.

This is the most complex piece I've worked on in quite some time, I've taken a big break from art and my projects that have lasted a few years because of creative burnout and demoralization.

But I've been sketching a bit more recently. I guess my plan is to get into art more next year, at least get more of a balance of art and gaming in my life. But the current landscape of the internet makes it hard to find a home and build something up.