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It's really insane how terribly your life gets fucked up if you're not able to complete basic school. You just can't get a fucking job worth a goddamn. Plus it's humiliating. People talk so horribly about anyone who couldn't get through highschool, as if they are not just subhuman idiots, but lacking all willpower. It becomes the one thing just about everyone in America is able to hold above somebody else.

I didn't go to highschool. Around the age of eight, alongside frequent episodes of deja vu and somatic episodes, I was incapable of waking up to get to school. I now believe this to be focal epilepsy. I would emerge in these states of liminal consciousness, half-dreaming and unable to make my body move. Like my mind was on fire. Quickly, I got legal threats about truancy. As did my parents. With each doctor offering no answer, my parents increasingly took their stress out on me. The more distant they became. By the time I was ten I was personally being threatened with getting sent through foster care and never even seeing my dog again, let alone my family. I was constantly in trouble, and the stress was taking a physical toll on my body. Nobody could find the root cause. It was treated as purely psychological. I couldn't keep up. Had no ability to organize myself. My memory was so bad I couldn't function, and I was in a constant state of fight or flight because things became physical and everyone was mad at me all the time.

I skipped the eighth grade to go to a school with a number instead of a name. It was for kids like me. They had a padded cell where they'd put kids who couldn't keep a lid on their stress. The mag lock on the heavy iron door didn't work, so they had this big six-foot-six guy escort kids to the cell and lean on the door so they couldn't get out until they calmed down. After a year of that I didn't go back. Everybody just gave up on me after that. By this time, after many rounds of neuropsych testing, doctors wouldn't say I am autistic, but they wouldn't say I'm not. I was 15 and nobody tried anymore. Had to figure out everything by myself after that.

That's the caliber of thing that causes folks to fall out. People are allowed to fall through the cracks. And they are humiliated and ridiculed for it. Denied the ability to even work in order to support themselves. In my opinion, one of the most socially brutal things about American society. Our education system, and how it intertwines with our punitive system, has a eugenicist spine. If you are incapable of meeting standards of productivity, of keeping to a schedule, you are discarded. And if you are discarded, you become a part of the subhuman idiot mass.

Your value as a member of American society is contingent on your ability to adhere to a program and receipt of a certificate stating so.

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to anyone in the areas impacted by the wildfire smoke, my #1 biggest piece of advice as someone whos been dealing with wildfire smoke in the NW united states for years, is build yourself a Corsi-Rosenthal Cube

they perform as well as expensive HEPA air cleaners, and are comparatively VERY inexpensive. all you need is a box fan, 4 air filters, a piece of cardboard, and some duct tape!!!!

i think it took us maybe a half hour to put ours together, if that, and we replace the filters every 3 months. it's really made a HUGE difference, both when the air quality is bad, but also with our allergies

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it’s a great time to be a hater, many things are bad and lots of stuff sucks. it’s also a terrible time to be a hater, because many people will insist that you have to like the bad thing because a company spent millions of dollars making it and it’s just not very nice to say it’s bad

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“Not wisdom darling, instincts.”

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my goal for 2025 is small simple and clear: change my whole entire life

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Petitot 1771

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Corrupted C64 BBS-graphics from Antidote 2004.

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1980-era pictures of the 3 Peaks Cyclo-cross Race, found here

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Artemis to Actaeon, Edith Wharton, 1909

Thou couldst not look on me and live: so runs The mortal legend—thou that couldst not live Nor look on me (so the divine decree)! That saw’st me in the cloud, the wave, the bough, The clod commoved with April, and the shapes Lurking ‘twixt lid and eye-ball in the dark. Mocked I thee not in every guise of life, Hid in girls’ eyes, a naiad in her well, Wooed through their laughter, and like echo fled, Luring thee down the primal silences

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