smallmocha-blog

[smallmocha-blog]

a part of me wants to tell my parents how i think i’m depressed, i’m suicidal, every negative thought i have. i almost did tell them this summer through a letter i wrote on my computer. in the end, i didn’t. i was just so scared of opening up, and i still am. i’ve never been one to tell anyone what i’m feeling. i was more of an independent kid growing up, and didn’t like asking for help. that’s just stuck with me and now i fear telling anyone what’s on my mind. i don’t want to tell anyone how i’m so insecure, how i want to end my life. i still don’t really know why. i don’t know if i’m just not aware of the reason or if deep down i just won’t accept it. whenever i think about reaching out and telling my parents or internet friends, i tell myself that i’m fine, or that i will be. i’ve kept all of these negative thoughts to myself for years, so i can do it again right? i don’t understand what went wrong with me. why i feel like this, why do i continue to tell myself that i’m not valid? i’m aware that this is my fault. that i’m the one putting this false information into my own head, that it’s my fault for believing it. i so selfishly want to end my life, when i don’t even have a valid reason. a part of me knows that just although there are people going through something worse, it doesn’t invalidate your feelings. but another part of me knows it’s true. i’m always trying to change myself to fit in. i change my values and beliefs so that they’ll be the same as everyone else’s. i don’t even know if my opinions are mine or other people’s beliefs. i want to think that at least some of my thoughts are mine. i overthink to much. i’ve spent more than an hour re writing this. it’s just a vent, i know no one is going to read this but i still read over what i said. it’s been so long now that i’ve gone back to feeling empty. a part of me wants to go back to a few hours ago when it felt like i was feeling everything. because feeling is better then not feeling. and the urge to tell my mom about everything is slowly going away. i really do want to tell her but i don’t want everything to change. i’d be carefully monitored, they’d probably take away my phone, their trust in me would weaken. that’s probably best though, i don’t care about my safety, but i feel as though it’d just worsen the issue. i wish that i could just start all over; like in a video game or erase all the data, all the bad memories. it’s a really selfish and naive thought but i still find myself wishing for it. but it’s just another wish that won’t come true. i wish it was the middle of the night again, just me, my thoughts, and the internet.

[smallmocha-blog]

a part of me wants to tell my parents how i think i’m depressed, i’m suicidal, every negative thought i have. i almost did tell them this summer through a letter i wrote on my computer. in the end, i didn’t. i was just so scared of opening up, and i still am. i’ve never been one to tell anyone what i’m feeling. i was more of an independent kid growing up, and didn’t like asking for help. that’s just stuck with me and now i fear telling anyone what’s on my mind. i don’t want to tell anyone how i’m so insecure, how i want to end my life. i still don’t really know why. i don’t know if i’m just not aware of the reason or if deep down i just won’t accept it. whenever i think about reaching out and telling my parents or internet friends, i tell myself that i’m fine, or that i will be. i’ve kept all of these negative thoughts to myself for years, so i can do it again right? i don’t understand what went wrong with me. why i feel like this, why do i continue to tell myself that i’m not valid? i’m aware that this is my fault. that i’m the one putting this false information into my own head, that it’s my fault for believing it. i so selfishly want to end my life, when i don’t even have a valid reason. a part of me knows that just although there are people going through something worse, it doesn’t invalidate your feelings. but another part of me knows it’s true. i’m always trying to change myself to fit in. i change my values and beliefs so that they’ll be the same as everyone else’s. i don’t even know if my opinions are mine or other people’s beliefs. i want to think that at least some of my thoughts are mine. i overthink to much. i’ve spent more than an hour re writing this. it’s just a vent, i know no one is going to read this but i still read over what i said. it’s been so long now that i’ve gone back to feeling empty. a part of me wants to go back to a few hours ago when it felt like i was feeling everything. because feeling is better then not feeling. and the urge to tell my mom about everything is slowly going away. i really do want to tell her but i don’t want everything to change. i’d be carefully monitored, they’d probably take away my phone, their trust in me would weaken. that’s probably best though, i don’t care about my safety, but i feel as though it’d just worsen the issue. i wish that i could just start all over; like in a video game or erase all the data, all the bad memories. it’s a really selfish and naive thought but i still find myself wishing for it. but it’s just another wish that won’t come true. i wish it was the middle of the night again, just me, my thoughts, and the internet.

[smallmocha-blog]

tw i think i’ve finally given up in life. i’ve always had at least a little bit of hope that this would get better, despite being suicidal for about three years now, but now all that hope is gone. i’m not even trying at school, i’m at my worst i’ve ever been at. i attempted this morning (around 1 am, it’s now 4:30 am) but it didn’t work. i’m left with cuts and i’m just listening to music and crying. i don’t know what to do anymore i just want to leave. i don’t want to be alive

[smallmocha-blog]

ate nothing today. my parents are going out for dinner, so thankfully i won’t have to have dinner with them (which is the one meal i have to have because family dinner is a thing for us). makes me feel a lot better because i haven’t been doing so well restricting the past 2 days

[smallmocha-blog]

fuck i wish i was able to purge right now, but i’ve tried so many times and can never throw up.

consumed : 928

burned: 191

net: 737

guess who wrist isn’t clean anymore

i feel disgusting. i feel disgusting when i don’t eat food, when i do eat, literally all the time. and it’s my fucking fault but i’m in too deep. i hate myself so much, why can’t i ever just restrict for more than 3 days.

[smallmocha-blog]

did i just eat a bunch of food i wasn’t even that hungry for? yea, i fucking did 🤚🏽

[smallmocha-blog]

rules i have:

- never drink my calories

- no chips of any kind

- 230 cals or less

- don’t eat more calories then i’ve burned

- if tempted to binge get out of the kitchen and distract myself (read, watch netflix or youtube, look at thinspo)

-walk 4 miles everyday

-weigh myself everyday after my walk

-after every bite of food i eat wait 40 seconds to take another bite

[smallmocha-blog]

day 3 (pic of thinspiration)

this has been my favorite recently. i love the thigh gap, and her waist.

[smallmocha-blog]

cal count [2.5.2020]

breakfast

arizona green tea zero: 0

lunch

arizona green tea zero: 0

dinner

peanut butter bread: 185

total: 185

burned: 219

net: -34

i ran out of the bread that’s 60 calories each slice so i had to use another bread at my house that’s 90 cal each slice and i feel terrible. but i stopped myself from having a rice krispie treat and got another arizona green tea instead, so i’m glad about that.

[smallmocha-blog]

day 2

4’11

i don’t like my height. for my age i’m really short and lots of people joke around about it, but it’s one of my biggest insecurities. fml

[smallmocha-blog]

cal count [2.4.2020]

breakfast

arizona green tea zero: 0

lunch

nothing

dinner

peanut butter bread: 150

———

total: 150

burned: 228

net: -78

wish i worked harder to burn more calories :/

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day one :)

HW: 110

CW: 106

UGW: 80

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i cant wait until i’m so thin that people tell me to eat something

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i’ve been binging for a couple days now but i’m promising myself that i’m going to cut down again, especially if i want to wear a bikini this summer.