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:(

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guess who’s crying herself to sleep again

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sorry for acting weird. that was me following my heart

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A wave of caffeine washes over me and carries me out to sea

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so many feelings in this little body i just can’t anymore

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my body’s in a constant state of stress the whole day (plus yesterday) na pati hangin ay parang isusuka ko na rin. sobrang sakit ng tiyan ko, and i’m very familiar with this kind of pain — anxiety. i had to sit sa floor kanina while trying to finish my to-do list para makahinga nang maayos. idk, there’s just something reassuring (?) or comforting (??) kapag umuupo ako sa floor, lalo na when i feel anxious talaga.

sana makatulog na rin ako agad. sana hindi na masyado magisip ngayong gabi. gusto ko magpahinga, gusto ko na makapahinga.

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Edna St. Vincent Millay, Rapture and Melancholy: The Diaries of Edna St. Vincent Millay

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June 10, 1919 Rilke and Andreas-Salomé: a love story in letters (1897-1926)

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Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosophy Student: Vol. I, 1926-27

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always remember the Final Girl Code:

- do it alone

- do it scared

- do it with a knife in your hand if you have to

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F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

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sana tumila na ang ulan.

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May Sinclair, Life and Death of Harriett Frean

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malapit na naman ang father’s day, dad. gabi-gabi ko pa rin iniiyakan yung ginawa mo. galit na galit pa rin ako, dad. hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko para mawala na to. pagod na pagod na ako. ayoko na to maramdaman. ang lungkot lungkot. hindi ako makausad, dad. bigla bigla na lang akong naiiyak, bigla na lang may malaking harang sa lalamunan ko, bigla na lang sumasakit yung tiyan ko. yung akala ko na okay na, biglang hindi pala. yung akala kong isang hakbang ay biglang dalawang pabalik pala. gusto kitang awayin, pero wala na akong lakas. sana mapatawad na kita kahit pa wala na akong marinig na sorry at paliwanag mula sayo. at sana kung hindi talaga kita kayang patawarin, sana dumating na lang yung araw na ma-let go ko na yung galit ko sayo — para wala ka na ring kontrol sa buhay ko. sana matanggap ko na. hindi para sayo kundi para sakin, dad. sana.

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