snowflakes86-blog

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I never knew that this image would be a million times better than a perfect skyscraper shot. #moment #photography #ldr #adobelightroom #love (at Westmont Village Condominium, Paranaque City) https://www.instagram.com/p/CA0_YZzgEH-/?igshid=16modyrlsspfm

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We might be 25 miles apart, but baby remember that we are always under the same sky. (at Cabuyao, Laguna) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_5wYrgFCID/?igshid=92vs8ye9b8cj

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skies are pink and soon we'll sink to the darkness soon we'll rest if today is the day hope this will be okay no pain no rain before everyone's gone let us remember the sun and sing some song don't let this day go long #ecq https://www.instagram.com/p/B_VydpQlV9q/?igshid=1p9i5rv5v1hoc

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A boy told her that nobody will ever love her again and she will never find someone like him forever. And after having the courage to walk away from that hellish kind of love, the boy was right, no one loved the bruised girl the way he did and she never found someone like him. But, someone came and offered her a love that is different from the love that she used to know. The love that is not painful, something that will never leave her torn into millions of pieces. Something that will not give her wounds and bruises. The love that speaks flowers and not with guns and knives. The love that she never knew ever existed until this day. Why? Why did this girl never walked away for so long? Why did she stayed and been beaten up to death and was nearly killed with words that made her think that all the praises were all lies? Why? Because she was scared. She was blinded. She can't even feel her legs and unable to walk away from the horrible kind of love. She was too afraid that he was right. She stayed because she thought that he's always right. But no, he's not. Nobody will ever love her the way he did because someone will love her right that will make all her broken bones be healed in one hug. And someone came with all the love that she deserves from the beginning. Someone that feels like home and will never shut her out. Someone that kisses all her scars and insecurities away. Someone that tells her how beautiful she is without him asking for some changes. Someone that she prayed for for so long. With all the pain she had, she got the right love. https://www.instagram.com/p/B0ikDZnlMiT/?igshid=vv6911jktg9i

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I'm not waiting for your text, but I want updates about you. I'm not waiting for your call, but I'm missing your fuckin' voice. I'm not waiting for your presence, but fuck, I desperately need your touch. I'm not waiting for anything right now, but I miss you. I'm not waiting for you but; I want to see you, I want to stare at your face, I want to see your smile again, I want to listen to your stories, I want to hear you giggle and laugh, I want to hug you, I want to feel you again, I want to say I fucking love you over and over again, And, I need you. Right now, Right here, Forever. (at Enchanted Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx7byM9l5hv/?igshid=k1w3l0o4xe4k

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April 10, 2019 To whoever,

Change is not the only permanent thing in this world, Just like the saying that goes, "Time is gold". Because worse than change is death, And if time is gold, why is it wasted? I would rather see how the moon vanished, Together with the stars that I stared at and wished. Wished that there'll be sun today, And all the 5-year old kids would sing, "Rain, rain, go away".

I would rather see how the flower bloom, From a single bud that needed sun inside my room. Turns into an infamous Alstroemeria, That is needed to fill a bunch of magnolia, gardenia or even gerbera. I would rather see someone leave, beg him to stay and even kneel. Rather than waking up at 3am, begging and asking God why he didn't let him stay.

Because change is continuous Change is the play, resume and pause. But death is stop. Just a break up with no make up.

But maybe death is just another change, the longing and pain will siege. it taste bitter, worse than how a plant wither

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April 7, 2019 To Nanay,

I will miss how you sing America's National Anthem, and our first lesson about counting from one to ten. 

I will miss how I needed to touch your saggy skin, and how I fall asleep as you tell me about your dream.

I will miss your stories from 1970, and how I ever dreamt of having the same lovestory. 

I will miss your unique scent, and how you can heal me with your hugs and kisses.

I will miss the days when I'll be home and you're there, still telling the same stories with a cup of coffee beside your chair. 

I will miss the first days that we were together, you act as my playmate, my bestfriend and my teacher.

I will miss you and my teenager self, as we giggle when I told you all my crushes and even my secret. 

I will miss you and the days when I was pursuing my dream, and how I ever wanted to tell you, "Nanay, I am now an Engineer."

And now I am, but you're gone.

I will miss you, all the days that we were together and the days that we are not. Because Nanay Tiaong, you are forever in Jolly's heart.

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March 28, 2019 To Ally, 

She faced the broken mirror, faced the bruised girl, and said sorry. Sorry for doing your best and be labeled too much, or doing what you can and be called not enough because you thought that the best person should have all the best things in life, and you thought he was the best person but you were wrong. 

Sorry for making you listen to all his curses and sorry if you let him call you names because you thought that you deserved those, but no honey, you didn't. You deserve all the sweet words. You deserve to smile as you wake up in the morning as you read all the sweet long messages he made up last night. You didn't deserve to have a heavy heart everytime he mentions your flaws or weaknesses, or even the things that he was so insecure of. Sorry for making you feel that you are not worth it. 

Sorry for letting you think that you don't deserve a single rose or a bouquet just because you made yourself feel that you didn't deserve its beauty but honey, you do. You deserve a room filled with flowers that smell like you. You deserve their rareness and sophistication. You are a flower because you are such a beauty. Sorry for all the sleepless nights thinking what the hell is wrong with you and why, just why. Why were you crying and no one was there to make you stop? Why can't he see your soul, your passion, your heart? Why was he hurting you? What was wrong with you? You were always asking the whys towards you but sorry for not asking what was wrong with him? 

Sorry for forgetting yourself, sorry for unloving yourself, sorry because you loved him more, so much, that made you love yourself less. Sorry for making him tell you that you were a disaster, that you were the storm, that you were the worst thing that came into his perfect life. Sorry for all the feelings that he gave you that left you scattered into pieces. Sorry for not protecting you. 

Sorry for all the emotional and physical pain that you let him give you. Because honey, hurting you, breaking you was the only thing that made him stay. And he stayed. And the idea of him staying in your life forever led you to paradise. He gave you sorrows, but you always call that love.

  Lasty, please, love yourself.

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May 28, 2018 To Ian,

I saw someone, someone you ever wanted to be, and someone you can be. I saw the success he’s living right now and do you know what I thought about him? You. Your dreams and your goals. The way your eyes sparkle when you’re telling me the plans you have makes me close my eyes and dream of staring at those eyes again, forever. The way your tone gets excited as you tell all the good things you’ve done and how your goals are little by little get established makes it more relaxed the way my playlist calms me at the middle of the night. The way you dream makes me dream more, of you, of us, of everything we should have been but will never ever be.

I never know why, why your dreams are chasing me. As if they are part of mine, as if they are still included in my world. They are just yours, even at the start of our story that has been ended so soon. They are just yours, even we have millions of dreams together, they are just yours and I have mine. They are just yours, but the way you included me in your dreams, not because I’ll be there, but because you make me the witness of your every step. They are just yours, the passion, the love, they are just yours, and I loved your dream the way I loved you because I saw how much you love it, how much you’re into it, and how much you’re willing to sacrifice just to have those. I’ve been your shadow all the way until I disappear and the shadow that once seeing your dreams became invisible, waiting for your dreams to become a reality.

You said, you can’t do it without me. I just smile every time you’re telling me that everything would be incomplete, every dream you dream wouldn’t be a reality without me, every tomorrow would be blue without me with you yesterday. I smiled. Why? Because I know that wasn’t true. You can do all things without me. You can do every single thing you want even I am not by your side. You can be the best without my smile. You can go on with your life without my kiss. You can still be alive without me. Why? Because you can. Because I saw a man with dreams, not just an ordinary dream but a dream that every man could have dream about but can’t because they have no balls like you. They don’t have any guts to go on and chase every light hidden in the darkness. They don’t have what you have to dream those dreams. You are a dreamer, like me. We dream of the dreams they can’t even think about. We dream every tomorrow as if we are the ones holding the world. We dream as if we have all the time in the world to execute those. We dream as high as the sky and even beyond. We dream. Until “we dream” became, “. . . you dream. I dream.”

I know someday, I’ll remember you and you’ll remember me, not because I still love you or you still love me but because we achieved the dreams we dreamt when we’re together..

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July 19, 2016 To Ian

               Hi. It’s been eight months since I felt this organ inside my chest beat again its normal way. It’s been eight months since I smiled and laughed with no burdens inside me. It’s been eight months since I met you and fell in love with you. It’s been eight months since I promised myself to love you and be with you till my last breath. It’s been eight months, and baby, we’re still counting days together.

               We’ve said a lot of words to each other, mean words, sweet words, even those non sense words but still, your voice is the only voice I am still looking forward to hear first when I wake up and the last when I am about to sleep. We had a lot of fight, maybe we can count the days we’ve been together, but the fights we had are like the count of molds and yeast in a spoiled food, baby, it is too numerous to count! But still, we’re in each other’s arms. Baby, we’re too far from giving up though I could give thousand, or even a million reasons to lose our grip but then, we managed to be in this place, to be this far.

              Right now, I can no longer think of something that could make me leave you because we had everything, we’ve been given every single chance to walk away and live our own lives without each other but we stayed, we chose to stay and still choosing to. We cried gallons of tears, we’ve been broken a thousand times, and been weak for almost half of our relationship, but baby, we are strong despite of those because we lifted each other, we held each other’s hand, and we fought each other’s fight. We’re no longer that Allyza and Ian of Relationship Day 1, we are no longer that two immature lovers of November 20, 2015 because we have been changed, changed by each other, changed by one another, changed by one’s self. We changed in order to fit for each other. We change for the better and for this relationship to work. We did.

              And now, July 20, 2016, I can still say ‘I love you’ and still dreaming my future with you. Being with you until my hair turns white and yours disappear, until all we have is our false teeth, until our knees become weak and we can no longer run or even have that piggy back ride, until our skin lose the glow and we can no longer see the beauty in each other, until our voices fade away and all we can do is to stare at each other and reminisce the memories, until our visions blur and just feel the warmth of our embrace, until the last day of you and I, until the last kiss we’ll make, until the last sleep we’ll spend in each other’s arm, until the last holding hands, until the last of everything, I want those with you and only you, babe. I want you until the day with no tomorrow.

              So now, please hold on, please stay. Please. Please love me as long as you can and tell me if you can’t anymore because I’ll do everything I can to regain that love, to win you back. Please, still look at me the way I can see the whole universe in your eyes. Please whisper ‘I love you’ again and again in my ears and let me enjoy the butterflies inside my stomach. Please never frown, let me be lighten up with your smile and your corny jokes and your words that can lift me up. Please always be my side, maybe not every single second, but make me feel your presence. Please, miss me as if we’re miles apart and years to see each other again. Please love me and never unloved me. Please spend a million of eight months with me. Please never walk away. Please be that man I will be spending the rest of my life with.

P.S. I love you.

Love, Allyza Joyce Fontanilla Hernandez

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December 24, 2015

Dear Jasmine,

Tomorrow might be the best Christmas ever! Know what?! Mom will bake pie! Sorry Jas if it’s been a year since I’d updated you with my life and you’ll never believe of what I’m about to tell you. Just listen huh?! Last night, I set my alarm clock at 5 o’clock. But can you believe this? I woke up nine minutes earlier than my alarm clock! Before I go downstairs, I fixed my bed and smiled. I saw mom and dad having their breakfast. So, I greeted them my sweetest good morning. I kissed mom in her forehead and tap dad on his shoulder. Then, I ate my breakfast. And did you know that? I didn’t forget to take my medicines. See? I’m a good boy!

Here’s more! After class, I always go to our favorite flower shop and buy Alstroemeria. Remember your favorite flower? Then before going home, I make it to the point to go to church and leave those flowers on the fifteenth chair where we used to sit every Sunday. And here’s something you’ll never believe! I have my rosary at my bag! And know what? Tomorrow will be the 1st anniversary since I first prayed the rosary. So, I’ll be expecting you to greet me happy anniversary huh!

Guess where I am now. I’m sitting at our favorite bench on the front of this church. Still, tears are falling from my eyes. Are you amazed of my sudden change? It’s all because of you Jas. I always set my alarm clock because I know, the next day, no one will throw pillows on me just to wake me up. I always fix my bed because there’s no one that will punch me just to remind me to fix it. I always greet mom and dad my sweetest morning with my sweetest smile because there’s no one that will shout on me that they’re growing older as I get more matured. I always kiss mom’s forehead and taps dad’s shoulder because no one will pinch my ears if I don’t. I always eat my meals because I know that no one will pour hot coffee on me if I don’t eat my meals properly. And, I always take my medicine because I know that no one is there because I am alive now. That I should take care of my new heart from the one that is always there for me.

Why did you left me Jas? Why did you give your heart to me? I don’t deserve this kind of heart of yours. I’m a rebel! I’m such a worst guy! But why did you sacrifice your life for me? You know you’re everything to me. You’re the best sister I ever had! I mean, you’re the best creature I ever had!

Do you know what I pray every time I go to church? I always pray to him to guide you there in heaven. Since that day, at the hospital, when mom said that this beating organ inside of me was yours, I started to pray. I started to do what you’d teach me. I miss you so much Jas. I miss my twin sister. It’s too silly why bad people always live longer than good people. Jas? I love you and I promise that I will take best care of your heart until the last beat of it.

Love, Kiel.

P.S: We’ll be visiting your tomb tomorrow! It will be our first Christmas together as a family. I’m looking forward to it.

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July 13, 2015 To Jake

Hi. It’s been a long time since the last day we’ve seen each other. It’s been two years since the break up. That break up that almost killed me. Yes, I almost die without your smile. I almost not survive without your love, without you. But, it’s been two long years. I was born again and all the wounds and bruises are almost healed. Almost.

You told me, I’m so afraid of everything in life. I’m so fragile to be handled. I’m so complicated to be loved. But dear, I’ve changed so much. I’m not that odd little girl you used to know. I’m better now. I do. I think so.

You know what? I’m not afraid of the dark, or ghost, or even horror movies. I’m a fan, in fact! Remember Insidious? Remember the day we watched the first chapter of it? I watched the second chapter alone! Yes dear, alone. See? I’m braver now. I can even watch in movie houses! We can have our date now and watch horror movies. Can we still?

It’s not all. I can travel alone now. Without getting fooled by people around. I can speak for myself without getting nervous to fight for what I know is right. I can stand on my own. I can cook dishes and it can be eaten without someone getting poisoned. I can wash my clothes and it smells good. I can go to the market and buy my own food! See? I’m a big girl now.

Why aren’t you here? Why did you leave me? If only you didn’t walk away, we can celebrate the little achievements in my life. And also, I can swim now! I had the courage to let go on the side of the pool and the next thing I remember was I am at the other side of the pool! We can have our outing with your friends! Like what we did on our fifth monthsary Can you still remember?

I don’t know if I’ll be wanting you back after you leave me breathless. I don’t know why I am writing all of these right now. Maybe because I am alone and I want to speak with someone who knows me well and you’re the only person I can think of right now. I’m missing you. I really do.