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Again

Tears dripping on the library table

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The Day My Brain Decided To Break

February 19th, 2022. 

I’m over year late writing about this. It almost took that long to process what had happened, to TRY and make sure I wouldn’t slip as far as I did into the darkness again. (Spoiler: I did). 

I woke that morning to the overwhelming urge that something was wrong. Don’t get me wrong - I have had my fair share of days that have felt like this, being paralyzed and plagued by anxiety over the past, present, and future. But that day was different. On that day, I made the decision that I needed to die. Seems dramatic, I know. It was as though a switch had been flipped in my brain and I was suddenly aware of everything about myself in the absolute worst possible way. The decision to die was made calmly, although I did cry a little bit about it that night on the way home because everything I felt was just too strong. I can barely remember what I did the next few months. I mean, I know that I did things and there are pictures to prove that I did things. I felt crazy and I acted crazier. I sobbed and pleaded with God, whom I did not believe in anyway, to just let me die. I stopped eating because I literally couldn’t put anything in my mouth without gagging, and what did it matter anyway? Everything felt bad all the time, but it was so so SO different than what I had ever experienced before with the “typical” depression and anxiety that was scary. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was better. The previous months had been spectacular, so what had I done to deserve what happened to me next? 

I won’t ever forget that day because it marked the start of the darkest year (and then some) of my life. On and off suicidal ideation and a couple of plans made here and there and then I would feel less bad for a couple of weeks and then it would come back. How do you tell someone you love that you have been plotting your death? I had to have that conversation. I had to face the fact that I was in the worst mental place I had been in my entire life. I have to wonder why I keep getting worse. There are things I don’t want to say here because I don’t want to speak them into existence but as a result of my mental state, those around me are starting to think of me as being “bad”. Granted, this is from my slightly skewed perception. Am I no good? Can I be good? These are the questions I ask now. My brain is still broken and has made everything around me crumble as well. 

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Long time, no post

I still feel the same. I’ve been listening to a lot of feminist rock. I started reading Twilight. I’ve been learning how to sew. I’m getting really into wine tasting. I’ve been consistently failing at making my relationships better. 

You know me. More meanings than one. 

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Once upon a time, there was a young girl who grew up in a castle in the mountains. She remembers wishing and wanting and waiting until she could leave the mountain and see the world. She longed to just grow up overnight and spent hours planning her future life far away. She felt sad often, and she often asked for her higher power to just take her back home to the sky, because sometimes she felt the sadness was too much. She kept going because she knew one day she would get to grow up and see the world. Time flew by and she realized she had gotten part of what she wanted but she still felt so sad. She felt sad for everyone she knew in her kingdom and for all the pain they had felt. She felt so sad that they would never be happy. She didn’t know if they were truly unhappy, but she didn’t need to know for sure. It was apparent enough. She just felt so guilty. The weight of living had caught up to her, the weight of all she had heard and seen in her kingdom. She didn’t want to feel sad and guilty and empty when she thought of her home but she wanted to feel like everyone else. Sometimes the princess just wanted to take a nap and have a few moments of silence. Maybe one day she won’t be so sad anymore. Maybe one day she won’t feel so far away from everyone. She did it to herself though, right? Is she forever punished by the universe for her actions? The princess doesn’t know anymore.

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Hey haha

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I can do it. I’ve done worse. 

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“Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you. Then you will see your own light as radiant as the full moon.”   ~ Rumi  

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Today’s goal: live in the moment.

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help me hold on to you

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help me hold on to you

↳lover moodboards: 1/18

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This rn... I love them but I have to be let go. I have to be set free to make my own gardens.

in order to experience growth, you need to be planted in the right environment. throw a seed on the pavement and it will sit there for years, getting stepped on and thrown aside. plant a seed in spoiled soil and it may never get the chance to grow. neglect to water the seed and it will grow slow and shrivel easy. in order to grow, we need to be planted in an environment that honors our needs and cultivates our potential. you’re not broken, you’re not hopeless, you’re not failing – you’re just not in the right environment. 

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Fresh Start

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To finding out who I really am