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Happy 12, I love you

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Ending August

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...I think my neighbours are having a swinger party weekend or something. I might be going insane actually.

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I had a horrible dream in which I visited her place (not the real one) and met her cat (not the real one). I opened the door to the balcony and the cat came out, which I can't remember if he was or wasn't used to, but in any case, I guess I wasn't careful enough or something because he fell right off through the railing (the apartment is high up). From there, it gets confusing. But I remember the look of sheer hatred (and disappointment) when I turned around and told her. I remember running down the building stairs like a maze, instead of taking the elevator for some reason. I don't remember seeing the cat's body on the ground outside, but I know she saw it. I remember later on being at school/some sort of school-like setting and being shunned by everyone for killing her cat.

I woke up this morning and was so relieved when I realised it was all a dream. It took me a moment to remember what happened last night, and why I had that dream in the first place, so that relief didn't last. I've been quietly spiralling since. There's this heavy, heavy weight in my chest. The kind I can't just get my mind off by doing something or the other.

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My best (and only—still best) friend is sad/disappointed because of me, and I feel like I could end it all this very night. I've been feeling it a lot these past few days—not even an urge, really. I'll just be doing something as simple and mindless as bending down to unplug my charger and the thought will pop up like it's the most natural thing, like it's the only logical thing to do next. "Oh right, I could just do it now." No preparations, no second thought, anything. The thought is so easy, so habitual that it doesn't take me by surprise even. It could be scary, but it's not, never is, because it's like thinking, "I should take a shower after this," or something. The one constant that keeps holding me back over and over so strongly (or more accurately, keeps me grounded, bounded to "this side") is Paimon. I physically can't stomach the image of leaving her like this. At least that's what I tell myself, in part (it's not untrue, just not everything).

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I miss watching movies. Tokyo Monogatari is so good. I have it on DVD, I could easily watch it again. I want to rewatch some movies I like and watch new things as well. I don't know.

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Reblogging feels weird, in this space. I still love the word though—reblog.

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Tokyo Story (1953) ‘東京物語’ dir. Yasujirō Ozu

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Eating Chinese cough drops because I'm hungry but too...something...to feed myself properly. I feel like I've done this kind of thing before. Anyway, my stomach is gonna hurt, I can already tell. Just tired, from nothing in particular.

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The poem I posted the other day—it had been sitting in my drafts since last November. Around that time, I was spending my evenings writing or trying to translate short stories (イレ), and one song I kept replaying over and over each time it came on was しあわせ by Melocure. So the song, that period of time, the subject of the short stories—they're all intertwined now. Anyway, that's when I came up with that poem, and it sat there all those months, first because I thought I wanted to add more to it, eventually because I forgot about it. Reading it again now, I feel like there was something else to it—the thing about game and limit—but I can't recall...

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I can never admit to what it is

I miss

Not here not anywhere

A kind of love so new so scarce

Senseless—still

A you only for me

This kind of love that

Made a game of the limit

What did it bring

What it did I know

It was always nothing

More than an echo—still

A you only for me

This kind of love that

Made a rhyme of happiness and mistake

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I ordered a few teas the other day, and when the package arrived and I opened them, I once again felt like I could cry

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June 3

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I'm failing myself.....

I want to spend all summer (starting now, even though it's april) eating raw tomatoes and spring onions. For the scallions, I want to try out different recipes—I'm thinking ohitashi first, but negiyaki (scallion pancakes) sounds pretty good. And the tomatoes... I just want to bite into them lol

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