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Tommentary - Five Guys Shuffling

Alllllrighty, the time has come for the very first TOMMENTARY!! A short segment in which I round up everything I know about a news story and give my thoughts on it. The emphasis is on short or we’ll be here all damn day. 

(Also yes, my name is Tomas and this a commentary, jeez, just let me have that one.)

Recently during a stream of the new Paper Mario a couple of little mushroom fellas made a gag about Five Guys Shuffling and somehow the line ‘ShuffleGate: Exposed’ came up?

Now, most people claim that this was a reference to WaterGate, a political kerfuffle that took place in the US circa 1970, however more recently (And much more relevant to games and gaming!) there has been the GamerGate ‘scandal’.

From here on in, when referring to GG, ‘scandal’ will be in quotes because it’s quicker to type that than to type ‘misogynistic witch hunt perpetrated by impotent, weak little men that think scaring women will make their flaccid cocks grow.’ Which is what GG is, but I digress.

The main, but by no means only, target of GG, Zoe Quinn immediately called out the joke with a few screen caps on twitter, which was how this whole thing gained traction.

Nintendo hasn’t clarified who or what the joke was referencing but GG forums have also lit up with discussion about the gag.

And that’s about all I know. I hope Nintendo was just making a dated Watergate joke. I hope Zoe doesn’t cop anymore heat for this. I hope GG fucks off and leaves this industry a safer place for women.

But aside from all of that, whether it’s WaterGate or GamerGate, it’s a shit joke for anything, let alone a Paper Mario game. Jeez, Nintendo, step up your comedy game.

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Three things g4m3rz do that I find really fucking annoying.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, FOLKS!

Today we're gonna kick back(Oi!) and talk about my top three CRAZY WACKY(Consider that a synonym for 'Fucking moronic') things that G4m3Rzzz do way to damn often.

First up let's kick it off with something that'll really boil some piss, COMPLAINING ABOUT REVIEW SCORES AND METACRITIC. I'm gonna use the frankly hysterical example of the review the Washington Post shared that lowered the metascore of Uncharted 4 by 1 measly fucking point.

A small subset of brainless shitgoblins lost their collective minds over an unscored review that Metacritic assigned a 40/100. First off, Reviews are subjective, no matter how fucking much you cry about it, they'll always be subjective.

The writer, Mike Thomsen, didn't like the game and he let everyone know why, that's him doing his fucking job, a critic is worth as much as everyone's opinion of them, don't like it, don't agree with it, and while you're at it, be fucking productive and write a fucking rebuttal.

MOVING ON... PSYCH! While you're writing that thoughtful and reasonable rebuttal consider that, unless you're a developer with a family feeding bonus tied to metascores, you shouldn’t give a greased shit. You fucking dolt.

Secondly I'm talking about SAFE SPACES. All too often g4m3rZ complain about minority groups and women wanting safe spaces and representation usually saying things like 'I play games to get away from PC tumblrina shit' which is fucking stupid.

You're telling me that safe spaces are shit but you want an entire fucking artistic medium to cater to your sensibilities and never put you out of your comfort zone? I wonder if there's a term for what something like that might be called? HHHHHMMMMMMM I FUCKING WONDER?!

SPEAKING OF MINORITIES AND WOMEN, I'm gonna vomit out of my fucking dick if I ever see another swathe of g444mE3rZZZZzz complaining about the race of a game character.

My prime example being Watch_dogs 2, it's 2016, not 1916, Drop that blatantly racist shit or fuck off, pick one or both, it’s up to you, precious.

AND NOW, ON TO THE LADIES, You've all heard of battlefield 1? The confusingly named sequel-prequel fuckfest set in one of the darkest times in recent history?

I've had actual conversations with people who are cool with there being no playable women in the game despite women serving and dying on the front lines in the actual war, to not remember them in a factual representation of the 'Great' war would be fucking shameful.

If that's not good enough for you then it's a fictionalization of WW1 so there's literally no reason women can't be in that game and DICE can fuck off that ‘Boys wouldn’t find it cool if there were women in the multiplayer!’ shit. 1) Who gives a fuck about some snot nosed little kids and 2) This isn’t a game that can be legally sold directly to children and you shouldn’t be marketing it towards them. 

Well, that about wraps it up because if I talk about it more I'm liable to run head first into a fucking wall. Can you tell I’ve had a rough day at work? 

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Overwatch Ramblings - Thoughts on the application of lore in online games and diversity as a plot device

When someone says ‘Online only multiplayer game’ the last thing most of us probably think is ‘Oh, I bet the lore is great.’ However that hasn’t stopped a few games in recent years from trying it. To the best of my recollection(Still sweating and wheezing after a lovely[fucking miserable] jaunt on the treadmil and dizzy having slugged a cider moments after.) the last game of note to try this was Titanfall(Yes, I know Destiny is a thing but I forgot about it until like, the last 50 words of this whole thing, so there.) but I don’t remember anyone talking about it beyond acknowledging the story mode in passing so it’s safe to say that it was average at best. However, it’s currently the current year 2016{Can yOU teLl I’ve had my second cider?} and in a very short span of time we’ve been given two examples of Online Only Multiplayer games that have a decent amount of lore to go with them. Of course I’m talking about Overwatch and BattleBorn, the latter of which I’ve not played or purchased so my references to, and impression of, the lore will come entirely from research and what some friends of mine have told me(No, I’m not going to buy it and play it like an actual games writer because I’m not an actual games writer.(THEREI S AID IT MUM![Cider no. 3]) SO, how does Overwatch deliver its lore? Is it worth bothering with? What am I having for dinner? All this and more in the next few paragraphs. Overwatch’s lore doesn’t really exist in the game currently, the most players get are quips and teasing lines of dialogue from characters depending on their team configuration and the map they’re playing on, these allude to relationships between characters that haven’t been explored yet, for example McCree and Reaper clearly have history together and it’s heavily implied by Tracer’s brief conversation with Zenyatta that Tracer held religious beliefs or found significance in the spiritual teachings of the Omnic Monks. All of which is made genuinely interesting by every character being vibrant and unique(In spite of how outright stereotypical a lot of the designs are *cough cough* Reaper and McCree again *cough cough*) however this voice work merely teases relationships. Blizzard has naturally gone ahead and made a series of EXCELLENT animated shorts that portray key events in the game’s history(Widowmaker’s assassination of the leader of the Omnic Monks) and character relationships(The story of Hanzo and Genji, which is again, good in spite of its stereotypical nature.) that aren’t shown in the in game conversations.

As far as I can see there’s no overlapping of lore which leads me to believe that they’ve put a decent amount of effort into world building and character development(Which seems reasonable to assume considering the only reason to play one of their biggest[And one of the biggest] games ever{World of Warcraft} is the lore and world building.) 

Next to these shorts we have a small series of comics that have focused mainly on characters not seen in the shorts, again there’s no overlapping of lore stuff, it’s all worth your time if you wanna know more about these characters which leads me into a nice little aside.  I’m really damn glad Blizzard has designed a diverse cast. We’re talking black people, white people, Asian people, there’s a fella from Brazil, a gal from India, it’s awesome. On top of that we’re rocking some different body types, the extremes of which can be seen in the two Australian characters(Why does everyone think Mad Max is a documentary? It’s green as fuck here on the coast.) Junkrat and Roadhog. Mei is adorably chubby. Symmetra is curvy. Tracer is wiry and there’s plenty of muscly guys(And a delightfully muscly woman, oopfh. <3) and conventionally attractive women. Beyond the visual diversity of the cast there are layers underneath that. In Symmetra’s comic strip it’s implied that she’s on the Autistic spectrum which, if that’s the case, is great. I really feel that it’s important to show that differently able’d people are excellent and I hope that was also Blizzard’s intention. It’s also a nice touch that most of the characters speak their native language at points during the game. It’s this very diversity that makes me want to know more about the characters. Had they gone with another Alliance-esque castmade up of just white people and fantasy races I’d have never written this rambling shit, I’d also have waited for the game to be on sale, but the fact that there are characters from so many different parts of the world really draws me in and makes me believe that the past and future actions of Overwatch and the other factions in the game are taking place on the world stage.  In short, this diversity in crucial to selling the lore and making it pop.  The application of lore here avoids many of the pitfalls of previous online only games however, the quality of the spin off content makes the lack of story content in the actual game pretty glaring. My one major criticism of the game at launch is that it’s really light on in game lore and Blizzard should account for players who haven’t been following the game’s marketing. 

Buuuuut I think I’ve jerked off Overwatch enough, let’s wrap it up. In summary: It’s interesting, diverse and I can’t wait to see what they do with it, even if the game doesn’t interest you, I’d recommend looking at the lore. 

Oh, and I was going to have pumpkin soup but bae bought home McDonalds so I ate a nuggy.